The Verbal Submission 03.24.09: Dana Hates T-shirts, Tito on CBS, King Mo Reigns, and Arianny fights?

Posted by Chris Robinson on 03.24.2009

It's the second week of the video experiment as I attempt to bring you the latest MMA news in video form. This week's top stories include Dana White giving you the lowdown on his Affliction feelings, King Mo's before and after Sengoku shenanigans, and Arianny Celeste talking about throwing down! All this, and Bobby Lashley showed Jason Guida EXACTLY how his brother Clay likes to fight. Here we go!

Well week one of the "base your column on MMA videos" experiment seemed to fall a little flat with everyone. That's cool! I know you all wait patiently by your computers each week to see what nonsense spills out of my uneducated brain. I know you're all just waiting to pounce on the slightest slip of the tongue when it comes to MMA teams, glove sizes, or inappropriately timed comments. I can read you all like books! Big, beautiful books! So the past week in MMA ran a little slow in the news department unless you plunked down $30 to watch Roy Jones Jr. and Bobby Lashley, or you have the benefit of HDNet's Japanese MMA coverage, or you have the.... internet. Well I'm here to tell you that this column will DEFINITELY reflect that slow news week. Plus, my weekends and work week have been stacked full of real life exploits, so this column hasn't exactly received my undivided attention. I'm not complaining, just explaining. Think of it as the sort of apology Tito Ortiz makes after his fights are less than exciting. Love you Tito! Let's go!

Dana White and the top prospect for The Ultimate Fighter Season 9.


THE BIG NEWS: AFFLICTION VS. UFC...AGAIN.
Everyone's favorite T-shirt company is causing quite the stir by announcing their third show will take place the same day and time as UFC 100. WHAT A RETARDED MOVE! Is Tom Atencio a special olympian? (Topical!) The best part of this is that they're not even going to counter it with the previously rumored Fedor vs. Barnett scrap. No, no, no, that would be too easy. They're giving Fedor and Barnett different opponents! Huh, see that, curve ball, outside corner, baseball reference. Yeah.

In true "Couldn't Give a Shit" fashion, Dana White already came out and said he welcomes the "challenge". Honestly at this point, Dana could change the UFC 100 card to feature Houston Alexander vs. a midget, and it would probably draw better than Affliction 3: TRY TRY AGAIN. Early rumors had the Affliction show being their last, but according to Atencio, Mr. Trump isn't pulling his tallywacker out of this dying whore anytime soon. What a masochist!

In other Dana White news, he appears with Tiki Ghosn in this video blog to talk about how he's not on steroids, and Tiki's goatee is super gay. I've seen Tiki Ghosn before, and I assume he's some sort of manager or trainer or local douchebag. I could care less. The best part of the video is the end when our old buddy Rampage Jackson shows up.

I don't know sign language, but I think he may be calling that African American gentlemen a "homosexual".


TITO ORTIZ: HE'S GOING TO FIGHT AGAIN SOMEDAY FOR SOMEONE
Fresh off becoming a proud Papa, Tito Ortiz already has his freakishly large head back in front of a camera. The fine folks at 8countnews.com, who apparently have now idea how to properly white balance a video camera, caught up with Tito in Mississippi. Tito is apparently in Mississippi to watch a local show and see some "up and comers". Last time I checked, Tito and Jenna aren't married, right? Well it's good to see 8count did their research.

Anyway, Tito fills in his HUGE fanbase on the latest goings on in his career, including the possibility that he'll be signing with "CBS and Showtime". I believe those are television networks and he'll actually be signing with Strikeforce, but I like to nitpick. He also said he'll be passing on a contract with Affliction. SHOCKING!

The biggest laugher was Tito's continuing claim that the back injury he suffered against RANDY COUTURE is responsible for his lackluster performances against Forrest Griffin, Lyoto Machida, and Chuck Liddell (twice). The back was fine for Shamrock? I'll always have a special place in my fart for Tito, but enough with the back injury talk. Sign a contract. Beat someone credible. That's all I ask.

What is Tito Ortiz doing in a poorly lit high school gymnasium?


KING MO'S REIGN CONTINUES
Muhammed "King Mo" Lawal was victorious via unanimous decision over Kawamura at the latest Sengoku event. King Mo blamed the lackluster victory on some nagging injuries, but credited Kawamura with being a tough opponent. In true Japanese post fight press conference tradition, King Mo was surrounded by scantily clad, ridiculously made-up Japanese women. A big thanks to AllElbows.com for providing YOU, the MMA fan, with this video. Next time though, let's get some video of the post fight party in King Mo's room, where injuries NEVER hinder the performance. Also, if you're around 20 years old, female, and love large black men, you could be one of King Mo's "Queens". Emma May, I'm looking in your direction.
Sengoku Post-Fight Press Conference - King Mo from All Elbows on Vimeo

Also available from the AllElbows crew, this video of King Mo in his underwear! HOORAY! The Sengoku weigh-ins lack the pizzaz of the UFC weigh-ins, but they'll get there. Fans of Dean Lister will appreciate his appearance in the video. There's like 3 of those right? Dean Lister fans? I hope these videos are produced and virally marketed for all of Lawal's fights so that when he finally pulls the trigger on a UFC jump, fight fans will already have a clue as to who he is.
Fight Journal: King Mo, Sengoku 7, Day 3 from All Elbows on Vimeo

SPEAKING OF LARGE AND BLACK: BOBBY LASHLEY WON!
Everyone's favorite soft spoken, former ECW Champion returned to the MMA world to face off against world renowned mediocre fighter, Jason Guida. Unfortunately, Lashley didn't exactly set the world on fire with this fight. The first round consisted of some heavy clinching, and the latter two rounds saw Lashley utilize the "lay and pray" technique. I believe Lashley was praying to the God of More Exciting Fights, but that particular god wasn't listening. Lashley still needs to work on his overall game, which is just fine for a guy who's already stated he knows he's not ready for the UFC. Not everyone is going to have the freakish athletic gifts of a Brock Lesnar.

The sadder thing here is Jason Guida. With his level of experience, he should've found a way to win that fight, and he almost did in the final round. The guillotine choke he sunk in on Lashley looked deep enough for a finish, but Lashley wriggled his way out. I assume this will be the last "high profile" fight for Guida, although I'm sure there's plenty of Ken Shamrock pull-outs yet to come.

The only other fight on the card of any interest to me saw Din Thomas win, and then call out Chris Brown. That's right. He called out Chris Brown. Apparently it's not cool to hit girls, and Rihanna should "holla at" Din, if she needs some help. For those wondering, the answer is NO, I the Nelson vs. Monson fight was of no interest to me.

More weigh-in footage!



WHO DOESN'T LOVE MONTAGES?
A big shout out goes to KingAtRock over on YouTube for his latest MMA compilation, MMA: The Upsets. The ten minute video showcases the biggest upsets in the UFC, PRIDE, and EliteXC. Bet you can't guess which EliteXC fight he used! The fine folks at CagePotato brought this video to my attention and after watching it I knew it deserved a mention here. On a side note, Seth "Rocky according to Gus Johnson" Petruzelli was on commentary for March Badness during the MMA portion of the show. He didn't do a half bad job. Just thought you should know.

Here's the video. It rocks balls.


GIRLS. GIRLS. GIRLS.
Time to offer some NSFW videos to add to the old spank bank. First, check out "former gymnast (jaw drops)" Arianny Celeste in her video showcasing her recent Maxim work. Arianny was selected as a finalist in their "Hometown Hottie" competition, and let me say, EXCELLENT CHOICE. The best part of the video is about a minute and a half in when Arianny talks about the one time in her life she was in a fight. Arianny channelled her inner Miguel Torres and knocked the braud out! My only "Dear God No!" moment for this video comes when Arianny expresses her desire to release an album. Please darling, utilize the pretty face and the smoking bod. Don't try to get into music. PLEASE.

She's officially the hottest ring girl ever. EVER.


Our second hot chick video comes from the fine folks at RawVegas.TV who are in search of a Ring Girl! There are plenty of beautiful young women to choose from, and some of them are actually fans of the sport! Most of the girls are there just for the cash. My personal favorite is the lovely lady with the multiple piercings who couldn't possibly have VD. IMPOSSIBLE I SAY! The winning girl received $500 cash, a spot as a ring girl somewhere, and tickets to a T.I. concert. All her dreams have come true!

Watch MMA Fix Presents MMA Ring Girl Search 2! on RawVegas.tv

END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends the latest "done in a jiffy" edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to all the various MMA websites that I already mentioned for providing the heads-up to the videos. For the latest MMA news, 411mania.com is the place.

The Empire Hardcore podcast returned to the web waves this past week and you can check that out on iTunes or here. Be sure to check out my latest video on YouTube here. I'm all a-Twitter here and on Myspace here. I'll be back next week to deliver a column you can really sink your teeth into.

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR