The Verbal Submission 03.31.09: Lashley vs. ?, UFC 101, Maia's NEXT, and Daisy of Love?

Posted by Chris Robinson on 03.31.2009

There are two big ZUFFA events this week and in this column I discuss neither of them! There's tons of other important stories to discuss including the awesomeness that is reeking from UFC 101, Bobby Lashley's quest for another fight, Demian Maia vs. Anderson Silva on the horizon, and more! Plus, what former TUF contestant is getting ready to compete for the love of a hooker? It's a surprise! All this, and midgets. Nuff said.

I like to consider myself to be the Paul Rudd of 411Mania.com. I'm likable, funny, awkward at times, but I always deliver a solid performance. Welcome friends, Romans, and countrymen to another earth shattering edition of The Verbal Submission. I'm your resident jerk de resistance, Chris Robinson. This week's column will harken back to a simpler time, when I used less videos in my column. A quick apology to the several fans out there that read at work, and couldn't fully enjoy Arianny Celeste cooking. I hope you watched that video when you got home from work, in a dark room, with no one around. EVIL! So this week's column will address all the news that broke on Monday, or over the weekend, or things I just made up. You never know what you're going to get here folks. I like to keep you on your toes. Let's do this thing!

I believe he can fly. I believe he can touch the sky. I SMELT IT!!!


BOBBY LASHLEY: FIGHT MACHINE!!!
There's a new boy in the neighborhood. He fights downstairs and it's understood, he's there just to take good care of me, like he's part of the family. BOBBY IN CHARGE OF OUR DAYS AND OUR NIGHTS!!!! Sorry. Fresh off of his second MMA victory, Beautiful Bobby Lashley allegedly signed up to fight Marcus Jones at the upcoming XFC event. Of course, Lashley is on permanent loan from the AFL, an organization that like their football counterparts of the same name, has shut down.

According to a press release from XFC President John Prisco, Lashley and Jones will NOT be fighting at "Regional Conflict" on Saturday, April 25th. How did this rumor get started? Why was this fight declared official on various news sites? BECAUSE WE'RE ALL RETARDED! Seriously, what kind of blunder is this for whatever "real news" site "confirmed" this? And what kind of rubes are we for re-reporting here at 411? (Hi Boss!) I hope this kind of shotty journalism and false rumor circulation doesn't continue on a regular basis, or we'll all start being compared to wrestling "newz", and no one wants that!

As for Lashley, he has had talks with XFC, which really just reminds me of KFC. Is Bobby Lashley fighting for an 8 piece and a side of mash? Lashley will probably continue to fight for smaller regional promotions to build himself up before the jump to the big time, a.k.a. Strikeforce or UFC. Anyone who says "what about Affliction?" can politely remove themselves from the classroom.

Good to see Lashley and his mom have similar interests.


LIKE PISSING INTO THE WIND: THE JESSE TAYLOR STORY
You remember Jesse Taylor from TUF Season 7 don't you? Sure you do. He pissed on himself, drank frequently, then destroyed a limo window and got himself kicked off of TUF. Then he returned to the UFC and got Peruvian Neck Tied. What a journey!

Well Jesse has rattled off four straight wins outside of the UFC since then, and actually captured the King of Champions middleweight championship this past weekend in Colorado. Taylor defeated "up and comer" Chris Camozzi via unanimous decision. Really MMAJunkie? Chris Camozzi is an up and comer, but he can't get by Piss Pants McGee? Yeah we'll see I suppose. Taylor made the move up to middleweight just for the title opportunity, but says he plans on fighting at welterweight regularly because that's his natural weight class.

He also claimed he's had talks with "some people" about possibilities in Japan, Strikeforce, and the UFC. He knows he has to keep winning on these smaller shows to build his name back up as well as not pissing himself in public. I'm genuinely happy for the guy because Lord knows I gave him a ton of shit in the column for being a complete douchetard on TUF 7. Wait, was I writing this column then? Maybe I'm thinking of Junie Browning. Either way! The UFC welterweight division could definitely use him even though it's pretty stacked with talent right now. I wouldn't mind seeing him ply his craft in Strikeforce because they're going to need to add quality fighters in every division now that they're all fancy pants with their big CBS/Showtime deal.

I wanna piss on you. Yes I do. (Last one, I swear.)

Credit: CombatLifeStyle.com

UFC 101: LIVE FROM THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE
How psyched am I that UFC 101 is coming to Philadelphia, which is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from my humble abode in Central Jersey? PRETTY PSYCHED! Not for nothing, but how stacked is this card becoming? Happy Birthday to ME! Settling down for a moment, the latest rumored addition to the card is Matt "Greased Up Deaf Guy" Hamill taking on Brandon "Welcome Back to the Win Column" Vera. Both fighters are coming off big wins, and both need to continue to win to stay relevant in the talent thick 205 division. BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT!

I think this is going to be a real test for Vera because he's been fed scrubs (with the exception of Jardine) since dropping down in weight. Matt Hamill, on the other hand, is constantly improving (his MMA skills, not his hearing) and I think his power will be a problem for The Truth. I'm guessing this fight will be on the main card, but you never know!

Also on deck for UFC 101 is the main event between Kenny Florian and BJ Penn for the lightweight title which should be official by the time you read this. The August fight will mark 15 months since Penn defended the strap against Sean Sherk, and it'll be 10 months since Florian defeated Joe Stevenson. That's a long lay off! I'm a huge BJ Penn fan, but I highly doubt he's keeping the belt here. KenFlo has had this opportunity before, and I don't think there's anything that's going to keep him from getting the strap this time. His game is just too complete right now, and BJ's focus is ALWAYS in question.

Another great match-up rumored to be taking place in Philly will be former 205 champ (and UFC Undisputed poster boy) Forrest Griffin taking on Thiago "Machida said Knock You Out" Silva. This might be the third or fourth time I've talked about this fight, but it really rounds out what is already looking to be a top notch card. Sucks to be you Portland! Enjoy your Old Man War! HA!

Tough as balls and ready to be crowned KING at 155.


DEMIAN MAIA: #1 WITH A BULLET
Reports are already starting to surface that after Anderson Silva walks over Thales Leites he'll be faced with Submission Superman Demia Maia in August at UFC 102. Now I don't think is very fair to Leites, and to be reasonable I believe it was Maia's camp that started this rumor. I'm not 100% on the validity of this yet just because I think Maia has to prove himself against a Nate Marquardt, Michael Bisping, or Dan Henderson before getting The Spider. Now before you start hooting and hollering, yes, I'm aware his BJJ game is like no other, but I want him to be #1 contender with no questions ask. Of course, the argument could be made that if he clears out the division before getting the belt, he'll have no contenders as champ. Sit down Rich Franklin. I guess I'm just playing both sides of the argument.

I was also under the impression that the winner of the Coaches' Battle between Bisping and Henderson was going to be in line for a title shot, and I guess that could still be the case. Maia and Bisping already started a war of words earlier this year and that is definitely a fight I would like to see for free on Spike. I think the wildcard in this whole situation is Wanderlei Silva. With his upcoming catchweight scrap with Franklin, his journey to 185 is beginning. Maia fights for Wandy's team. Bisping and Rampage are teammates. Time to start the UFC Tag Team Division! Who wouldn't love a good Wolf's Lair vs. Wand Fight Team brouhaha? I know I would. Seriously though, the main thing here is marketability and with some legit bad blood between the two teams, the UFC will be on marketing easy street. BOOK IT!

A novelty check for $35 grand and a big toy belt. He's definitely ready to be UFC champ.


MMA SHENANIGANS
Is there ever a time when something ridiculous isn't happening in the ever growing MMA universe? Two signs of the MMApocalypse are on the docket this week. First up is former TUF 7 wannabe, Jeremiah Riggs, and his quest to find success in the realm of reality television. Fight fans will remember Riggs as the poor chap that lost via decision to Dan Cramer in an elimination round bout. He currently holds a 1-1 professional record, but is taking a hiatus from the fight game to try and catch VD on TV!

For those who are unaware, VH-1's new show "Daisy of Love" features Oscar de la Hoya's niece trying to find Mr. Right. TV buffs like myself remember Daisy from Season 2 of Bret Michael's Rock of Love. Daisy came very close to capturing Bret's heart, but the reality that she still lives with her ex-boyfriend tore them apart. FEEL THE DRAMA! TASTE THE CHLAMYDIA! Yes I do realize that watching those shows makes me a horrible person, and quite possibly a homosexual, but I watched them with my girlfriend. So it's OK. Sort of.

Jeremiah will be known as "Big Rig" on the show because that was the best nickname the producers could come up with. I doubt we'll ever see Riggs return to the UFC because usually these clowns on these VH-1 shows parlay their success into gigs on several other VH-1 reality shows. So good luck Big Rig! We're all pulling for you! Make sure to scope out the local free clinics during your down time!

He'll be fine.


Sweet Jesus.


The wonderful lads over at CagePotato, and Fight! Magazine, are responsible for this next piece of MMA Comedy Gold. Folks, there are times in your life when you'll question what is right and what is wrong. There are times when things will be brought to your attention and you have to ask yourself if you're a decent human being afterward. This is one of those times. I bring to you Midget Thai Boxing. Is it real? It might be. Is it hilarious? Yes. Will you need to seek forgiveness for your soul after viewing it? No. Remember, midgets are God's little punchlines. And if I've offended any fans of mine that are little people, HELL if I have any little people fans, WHY AREN'T YOU THAI BOXING AND POSTING IT ON THE INTERNET!

Small wonders. Mmm hmm.


END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends the latest super fantastic edition of "The Verbal Submission". Remember to bookmark 411mania.com and make it your home page. You're going to come here anyway. Why not come here first? COME.

Also, look for me in the 411 Round Tables. I'm going to try and do both, but I guarantee I'll do at least one. I'm trying here!

The Empire Hardcore podcast returned to the web waves, and will do so again this coming weekend so look for that on iTunes or on Podomatic. Be sure to check out my latest video "Unemployed Bliss", which is basically subtle humor wrapped around toilet humor, on YouTube here. A bunch of 411 writers are on Twitter now, but I started the trend so check me out here and on Myspace here. I'll be back next week to review all the UFC and WEC goodness, plus the first episode of TUF, PLUS I'll write about how GM and BM are similar. Poop jokes! I'm out.

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR