Blood On The Mat 07.23.09: MMA Sell-outs

Posted by  on 07.23.2009

In honor of GSP’s deal with Gatorade, 411’s Adam Tool takes a look at other MMA stars that have pocketed a few bucks making TV commercials! From Wanderlei Silva shilling for toilet paper and Mirko Cro Cop selling coffee to Brock Lesnar endorsing ammo and Bob Sapp dancing for pizza, these are some glorious MMA sell-outs!

Welcome to Blood On The Mat. I'm your host Adam Tool, and I'll be honest with you right up front. I've been feeling like crap for the last few days so this week's column is the MMA journalism version of a clip show. I've got lots of videos for you to watch and a little bit of writing for you to read. I hope you enjoy it, and if not 411mania will be happy to offer you a full refund for your purchase price.



Maybe you hadn't heard, but Georges St. Pierre recently made history outside of the cage. He became the first mixed-martial artist to appear in an ad for Gatorade. While this may not be the most monumental of achievements, it does send a message that our beloved sport is crawling towards mainstream acceptance (the widespread coverage of UFC 100 being another indicator of such).



Okay so the ad didn't tell us anything we don't already know. I know I don't want to fight GSP. Hell, I wouldn't want to fight Jason Guida.


My next opponent will be a delicious plate of baby-back ribs

In honor of St. Pierre's shiny new endorsement deal, let's take a trip around the internets and dig up some more commercials featuring MMA stars. Since the sport is still seeking mainstream acceptance here in the U.S., most of the videos today will be imported from Japan, featuring many of the men that called PRIDE their home. Men like…

Wanderlei Silva

When you're the longtime reigning PRIDE Middleweight Champion, you've got some name recognition and you can't let that go to waste. You got to get paid. When you do sell-out, at least try to keep some of your dignity.

(word of warning: watch your volume meter on this one)



Speaking passionately about toilet paper isn't exactly the definition of keeping one's dignity. At least he still looked kind of tough, holding his belt and kicking bags. Unfortunately for "The Axe Murderer," there's nothing tough about this next commercial.



Okay so Silva and Mark Coleman may look more like a pair of "constant companions" rather than MMA fighters, but it's not like this is the worst thing Coleman's ever done for money. This is:


Mark Coleman‘s Legacy:
Innovator of ground and pound
First UFC Heavyweight Champion
Member of the UFC Hall of Fame
Giant Banana Straddling King

Coleman and Silva aren't the only guys that have made fools of themselves on the dime of the Schick corporation, which brings us to our next featured performer:

Mirko Cro Cop

The Croatian Sensation usually comes off as a pretty unassuming kind of guy. He's soft-spoken, respectful, and stoic. Not exactly the kind of qualifications one would look for in a company pitch-man.



Frankly I'm shocked that this commercial would air. What if they have copycats out there trying to shave with chopsticks? Seems like a class action lawsuit waiting to happen.

Cro Cop has done his fair share of endorsements, but none are as straight-up wacky as the ads he did for this coffee drink.





I may not want to run out and buy coffee drinks, but I'll be damned if I don't want to see Mirko hosting his own TV news/interview show. Get Robbie Lawler on sidekick duty and watch the hijacks that will no doubt ensue.


Lawler debuts "Magnum"

While pretty much all of the previous commercials have made little-to-no sense, this next ad actually attempts to tell a story. Cro Cop shows the depth of his acting ability by standing around and looking mean.



Mirko has certainly had his share of success with selling out, but unfortunately there's one thing that's holding him back from the serious coin. That, is a lack of sexy. However there's one fighter who has that in spades. I am, of course, referring to:

Yoshihiro Akiyama

"Sexyama" made his UFC debut a few weeks ago and while he may not have captured the hearts of UFC fans, he's still one of the sport's biggest stars in Japan and South Korea. As a result he's had his name and face attached to all sorts of products.



My favorite part was when Akiyama led that group of girls in some Tae-Bo. Billy Blanks would be proud.

Akiyama gets the chance to show of his dancing chops in this next clip, although I'm at a loss to figure out exactly what his little routine has to do with selling cars.



And what the hell is the point of that chair being there? He doesn't do any Flashdance inspired prop-dancing, so is it really necessary?

Our final "Sexyama" clip shows the man at home, relaxing and enjoying some banana milk. As long as he's not trying to sell regular bananas. That's Coleman's job.



Y'know, I think I'd like to try some of that stuff. Mostly I just want to hang out at Akiyama's swinging pad. You know he's just got to have a harem of beautiful girls stashed somewhere.

Moving on. When you think of charismatic MMA stars, what's the first name that comes to mind?

Of course…

Fedor Emelianenko

Some of the other commercials we've seen have featured their various stars in somewhat laughable positions. Fedor, however, is not the type of man to be made a fool of. You won't see "The Last Emperor" shaving Mark Coleman's face or interviewing some coffee beans. See if you can spot any trace of enthusiasm as Fedor shills for some honey-flavored drink thing.



As in all things, Fedor is deadly serious. Okay, maybe not all things.


Barnett‘s out? NOW IS TIME FOR ICED CREAM!

Kazushi Sakuraba

Sakuraba is arguably the most popular fighter in Japan, so it's no surprise that he's accepted a check or two from companies in need of a face for their advertisements. What is surprising though, is how many of Sakuraba's friends are complete dicks, as you'll see in this ad for Mastercard.



I'm sure he's got the yen to cover it, but still. That's just plain rude.

Let's move on to something happier. Of all the fighters we've featured so far, each one has been able to maintain some level of respect after their commercial appearances. One man was not so lucky.

Bob Sapp

ATTENTION JAPANESE BUSINESSES! Do you have a product or service that needs to be sold in the cheesiest way possible? Well then make that call to former NFL offensive lineman/actor/pro wrestler/kick-boxer/MMA fighter Bob "The Beast" Sapp! He has no shame whatsoever and will gladly do anything for the right price!

He sells fabric softener!



Pizza!



And even candy!



Yes if you want a large muscle-bound black man to do any manner of ridiculous things, Sapp's your man!


Those girls should know not to stand so close to Sapp when it‘s feeding time

Not all MMA advertisements have to come from Japan. At least one UFC superstar has already made a little extra cash, despite the fact that he's only been fighting for a few years.

Brock Lesnar

This clip features the smallest amount of screen time for any fighter on the list, as Lesnar appears for roughly 10 seconds in this ad for human odor remover. You may be asking what the hell that is and why you need it, so here's Brock and some announcer to break it all down.



Did you see the conviction there? Brock really fucking hates human odor.

Maybe you thought that would be the only commercial you would see today featuring Brock promoting hunting-related goods. You thought wrong.



It's bad enough that the guy is an imposing physical specimen, but now you're telling me he knows how to use a gun too? Clearly, the rest of humanity is now on notice.

Finally, because we can never let him forget his old job, here's Lesnar appearing in an ad for the Playstation 2 game WWE Smackdown! Here Comes The Pain. It's the best commercial you'll see today that co-stars a guy who would go on to murder his wife and child.



That'll wrap up our look at MMA stars making fools of themselves. Well, not entirely. Come back next week for something special. Something like…


This.

Feedback is welcome at the e-mail address below, or feel free to use the comment box provided. If you can't wait until next week for more of me, you can always follow me on Twitter.