Blood On The Mat 08.20.09: I Surrender

Posted by  on 08.20.2009

Georges St. Pierre, “Rampage” Jackson, BJ Penn, Anderson Silva, and Heath Herring all appear in the direct-to-video feature Never Surrender. Besides seeing these guys outside of the cage, is there any reason to watch this movie? 411’s Adam Tool has a full review, and it isn’t going to be pretty…

Welcome back to Blood On The Mat. My name is Adam Tool and I apologize for my absence last week. Now would be a good time to remind you that if you're not completely satisfied with you 411mania experience you can return the unused portion for a full refund.



It's come down to this. I teased this review a few weeks ago and really couldn't back out. I had made my bed and now I must lie in it. If I refused to review this movie than I was in fact doing what the film's title explicitly says not to do.


It only goes downhill from here

As you can tell from the box art, this move features some of the world's greatest mixed-martial artists and Heath Herring. Let's get this out front though, none of those guys are the stars of this movie. Most of them get little more than a cameo, and Georges St. Pierre doesn't even get to say his own lines (more on that in a bit). So who's the star of this crapstain?


That would be this asshole

Our leading man is Hector Echavarria. I had never heard of him before this but apparently he a fairly well decorated kick boxer. He is the star, the guy that wins all the fights and sleeps with all the ladies. Did I mention he also co-wrote the movie, produced, and directed it? That's kind of important. Hector plays Diego Carter who's apparently one of the top fighters in the world of mixed-martial arts.

WARNING! This isn't so much of a review as it is a spoiler-heavy dissection of this so-called "movie." If you have any interest in actually watching this thing you may as well click away now.

We open in Las Vegas at an MMA event where Carter is fighting some guy. Some guy tags Carter with a spinning back fist before picking him up and taking him down. Carter proceeds to turn it into a pro wrestling match by catching his opponent's punch and hip tossing him down. He then unloads with a barrage of kicks that clearly aren't fake.


Clearly

He then proceeds to swat at several flies around his opponent's head, at which point the referee decides to step in before somebody accidentally gets hit.

We see Diego's post fight interview from the kitchen of a very familiar face.


Had to fire the cook. She couldn‘t handle my riddum

The announcer discusses Carter's amazing win, and how he's the best athlete in the entire world who saves baby kittens in his spare time when he's not feeding the homeless (or something like that). While the announcer goes on about how great Carter is, St. Pierre watches nervously. Or maybe he's really got to take a shit. It's hard to say.

The screen cuts away to some bald guy who kind of looks like Randy Couture. He's the bad guy (he also happens to be one of the producers on this sad excuse for a movie) but we haven't got time to expand on his character right now so we'll cut away. After the fights Carter stops to give a little kid his autograph before hopping in a stretch Hummer to go partying with a couple of lesbians.


They might actually be guys. It‘s not really important.

Carter gets a call from his friend "Georgie." It's an odd thing. The guy looks like Georges St. Pierre, but when he talks it isn't GSP's voice we hear. Apparently movie execs figured that the same MMA fans who would want to see this movie wouldn't be able to tell that it's not St. Pierre speaking. The guy dubbing St. Pierre's lines and Carter exchange some not-so-witty banter to show us that they're friends and training partners. Carter and the lesbians arrive at the club only to be accosted by several sluts.

One chick asks for Diego's autograph, followed by his number. He says it's already there. Smooth. Before he can lay any more mack down he gets hollered at by these guys…


Rampage was just happy to be out clubbin‘ without that prick Bisping

Rampage tells Diego that the gay club is down the street, to which Diego says that the last guy who called him gay got his ass kicked. Rampage proceeds to get into his car and run Diego over (but not really).

Rampage and BJ tell Diego that they're just kidding around. Some random guy starts talking shit about Diego, saying he lost money on his last fight. Random guy and his two buddies accost Diego, Rampage, and BJ, and if I was a betting man I'd say there's a rumble a-goin down. Random guy takes a shot at Rampage, and now is time for Jackson to flash those acting chops.


Oh no you dinnit

Not surprisingly, the MMA guys make short work of the random dudes. Rampage and BJ take off, having apparently fulfilled their contractual obligations. Diego and the lesbians make their way into the club where some shitty music is playing and an old guy is sitting around drinking. Old guy knows the gang and then proceeds to talk about how great Diego is. Apparently they're old friends or something, but since the other guy is about to drop out of the movie for the next 80 minutes it's not worth establishing that character.

Anyways, Diego stays behind at the table while his friends and their random sluts go to the dancefloor. Fortunately another random slut shows up and starts making out with Diego. It's good to be the director. Diego stops the random slut because there's some other chick out on the dancefloor that appeals to him more. He approaches her and they head off to the bar. He offers to buy her a drink and she introduces herself as Sandra, then offers to take him somewhere to "give him what he needs." She promises a fight that he's never seen before, which may or may not be a double entendre.


3rd Place Runner-up in the Miss Skank International competition

They hop in Diego's car and she tells him about a tournament where the best fighters fight for the biggest prize. They go to some crappy warehouse set where two guys that are not at all intimidating are holding down security. Inside there's lots of guys with sunglasses on watching a couple of dudes fight. One guy takes the other one down with a gutwrench power bomb. It's kind of silly really. Also there's lots of fire for some reason.

Diego asks if there are any rules here, and a man's voice tells him there's only one. Camera pan to bald Randy Couture-ish guy whose name is Seifer. The one rule is apparently that each fighter has a consort (read: prostitute) and they each have to put up their consort when they fight. The winner gets his enemy's slut, the loser spends the night alone. Diego doesn't believe it, but Seifer says that the fights there harkens back to the oldest types of fighting. He offers $250,000 for his first fight, to which Diego says that he made that much for his last fight (which seems odd considering there were maybe 200 people there). Seifer explains that since it's all under the table Diego stands to make double what he normally would.


Remember: Facial hair=evil

Diego says he'll think about it and Seifer scurries off. Diego asks the slut if he can call her sometime, and apparently she isn't usually allowed to be a consort. With that, suddenly Diego is ready to fight against some guy that looks like a weird amalgamation of Cheech & Chong. Diego appears to get his ass kicked at first, only to come back and win. I was truly shocked.

Seifer congratulates Diego on his win and gives him his choice of a consort. Diego picks the original slut Sandra and while Seifer refuses at first, he quickly changes him mind and hands her over.

They drive to some big house and Diego asks if it's her place. She tells him no, and says that it's his new house. He doesn't stop to question why an underground organization is giving out free mansions, because it's business time.

DISCLAIMER: 411mania prohibits pictures containing nudity, therefore any images from this film that contain naughty bits have been edited so that they will be more wholesome and not offensive to those with traditional family values.


You‘re welcome

After a very short sex scene (shown in slow motion) Diego awakens to find he's been left alone. Sandra stops by to drop off information about his next opponent, some muscle-bound dude named Crusher. We see footage of Crusher in action and apparently he's not someone you want to fuck with. Diego and Sandra say it's time to get to work, so we'll fast-forward through the training process with that old stand-by: the montage.

Back to the guy-that-looks-but-doesn't-sound-like Georges St. Pierre, who leaves Diego a voicemail asking where he's been. We then see St. Pierre looking at the webpage for "The Tournament," where Diego's face is front and center. St. Pierre drives out to Diego's house but some dude in a leather jacket tells GSP that visiting hours are over. Despite St. Pierre's claims that he doesn't want any trouble, leather jacket guy launches at him with a Superman punch. GSP whups the guys ass before going upstairs and finding Diego. St. Pierre and the voice actor giving his lines express concern over this life that Diego has chosen.


Can you believe that shit that BJ is saying about me?

Diego is obviously dumber than the ground he's standing on so he sees no problem with any of this. GSP tells Diego that he's a phone call away, then proceeds to walk right out of the movie.

We then get WWE-style pre-fight promos from Crusher and Diego, leading right into the fight itself. Highlights include Crusher picking Diego up and tossing him over his head, as well as Crusher standing directly in front of Diego to eat several punches and kicks. Seifer and Sandra look on, and Seifer wonders if Diego will adapt to this new style of fighting. He screams in her face that he wants to see Carter go over to the dark side. Diego does just that, pulling off a front flip stomp to the midsection before breaking Crusher's arm with an armbar. After a stomp to the face to seal the deal, Diego meets Crusher's consort. While she may not be pleased at first, it's only a matter of time before she's getting naked for the director.


Adult situations inevitably follow.

We then get our second montage of the movie, as Diego alternates between kicking ass in the cage, having Cinemax sex with the ladies, and getting outfitted with fresh new bling. Diego awakens from the montage in his house and starts shaving before he hears a noise. After a brief investigation, Carter sees the one thing that nobody should have to see in the morning.


Sup bro? You need some product?

It's "The Texas Lazy Horse" Heath Herring, who actually has a character to play in this movie. He introduces himself as Stone and says blondie sent him. He says he's here to train Diego for his next opponent, Marco. They start sparring and while Diego has kicked everyone's ass up until now, Stone easily dodges his punches and tells him to fight smarter.

Stone and Diego share a drink afterwards and Stone warns him about the dangers of being in the tournament (which I guess should be capitalized since it seems to be the proper name for this thing). Diego and Sandra talk about how close Stone is to his consort, and Carter wonders how love can bloom in a situation like this. Sandra pulls out a Russian proverb, and I hadn't been aware until now that she was supposed to be Russian.

We get more in-yo-face promos from Diego and Marco, with Marco saying that this "ain't no MMA bullshit." Into the fight we go, and Marco is doing all sorts of flashy flips and what-not. He eventually starts throwing some punches and catching Carter. Of course he's in a fake fight with the director, so I probably don't need to tell you what happens. Diego wins with a rear naked choke. Stone congratulates him and wants to party, before reminding him that he's got a fresh new slut for the night.

The party is at a pool, and there's some gratuitous nudity with the girls frolicking around topless underwater.


This scene is completely irrelevant. It‘s also one of the best in the whole movie.

Diego and Stone have a heart to heart, where Carter asks him who his favorite consort was. Stone says he's only had the one, and proceeds to leave with her. Diego goes into the house where his prize is waiting by the fire. She wants to get down on the Diego train, but his heart is apparently with Sandra. Turns out she's watching via telescope, along with Seifer.

When Carter tells new girl she doesn't have to do this, she turns into Miss Exposition by telling him how the girls are brought in to keep the fighters happy. She says that bad things happen to the girls that don't do their jobs, then starts giving us the backstory for Seifer. Apparently he killed some guys fighting in his native Russia, then came to America where he combined the illegal fighting with the prostitution rings. We see Seifer getting rough with Sandra, in case you didn't already know that you're supposed to hate him.

New girl leaves the house and is confronted by Seifer. The music lets us know that this won't be ending well. Seifer gets into the girls face and scolds her for not fulfilling her boot-knocking obligations. He tells her that he can't let her go because she may lead the other girls into insurrection. He then beats her, off-camera, presumably until she dies from it.


One of the few women in the movie that doesn‘t show her tits. And she dies.

Suddenly the lesbians show back up at Diego‘s house, expressing concerns very similar to GSP. They point out that "The Tournament" (which is a stupid name anyways since there's been nothing resembling a tournament format) is illegal, but Diego says he's just fighting. Diego promises that everything will be fine and tells them to trust him. He's the director, so they do.

Diego walks into the house in slow motion and flashes back to the stuff Seifer has told him. He then proceeds to beat the ever-loving crap out of his furniture. Sandra walks in, apparently drunk, and gives Diego shit about sleeping with new girl. He tells her that they didn't do anything, but she doesn't seem to be buying it. He says he cares about her and she blah blah blah. I just want this damn thing to be over.


What do you mean you don‘t like my movie?

Diego says he's going to take down Seifer, and that he needs Sandra's help. That's all the convincing she needs apparently, as more nudity follows. This time, however, the crappy rock soundtrack is replaced with some gentle guitar plucking. Because…I guess they're in love now.


Diego‘s off camera at the moment. Best not to think about what he‘s doing.

Is it time for our third montage of the movie? You bet your ass. This time it's the love montage as Diego and Sandra frolic on the beach and walk around some sort of farmer's market thing. Sandra proposes that they sneak away, but Diego says that that's not his thing. He plans to confront Seifer and if he has to fight then so be it.

A pre-fight graphic tells us that Stone is now going to be fighting Seifer for some reason. Stone's consort looks on in concern. Diego and Sandra ask her what's going on, and she says she wasn't able to talk Stone out of it. Stone gets the upper hand, but he's the main character's buddy facing off with the big bad guy. There's only way this can end, and after taking some of the fakest looking punches in the whole movie, Stone falls face down on the mat. Seifer slams down on his spine and starts screaming "BLOOD LUST!" Seifer pounds on Stone's spine some more and apparently kills him.

Seifer tells Carter that he hasn't earned the right to face him. He tells Diego to stay and fight and if he wins his matches he gets his shot at Seifer. Seifer's thugs beat Diego up and he awakens in his bed to flashes of Stone's beating. He finds a note under his door and makes a phone call. Cut to Seifer in the middle of the cage with Sandra tied up for some reason. He tells her that he didn't want things to be this way and overacts like there's no tomorrow.

Diego shows up and some guy wants to fight him. Diego says he doesn't have time for this guy, and then BJ shows up and says that he'll take care of it. We see BJ kick the guy's ass and that's that. Diego enters the building and comes face to face with…


The baddest dude on the planet

It's our final special guest star of the picture as Anderson Silva plays the bad-ass guy that doesn't talk. They fight and not only does Diego win, he places his foot several inches away from Silva's head and somehow KILLS "THE SPIDER."


BOOOOOOOOOO

My hatred for this movie just grew by leaps and bounds.

Suddenly the old guy from way back at the beginning shows up on the phone to somebody. The person on the other end says that they found Diego. Old guy tells them to get over there right now. Who is he talking to? I honestly do not care.

Diego finds Seifer and Sandra at a dinner table, but before we get to the final battle Diego gets to beat up some random henchmen. Seifer gets up and says that at last he's found a worthy opponent. Diego promises to destroy him, and it's on. Seifer handles Diego quite easily and takes time to gloat about it. Diego gets back up and suddenly has the power to completely kick Seifer's ass. Also, his head.


Just hang on. I‘ll be right there. Continue standing in place.

Diego chokes Seifer out and seems to have the upper hand. The various baddies hanging around pull their guns on Diego, but then the cavalry arrives (that is, the old guy and Diego's lesbian buddies from the beginning of the film). With Seifer out of the way, the movie suddenly turns into a shoot-out. Diego's buddies get the girls out and BJ is there to help. BJ offers to take what's-her-name to the hospital while the good guys escape in the freakin' stretch Hummer. When you're plotting your next getaway, why not use a vehicle that has it's own built-in pool?

The movie closes with Diego and Sandra at the exact same fight card as the start of the movie to watch ginger lesbian in her first professional fight. Apparently he's actually a guy. He wins (obviously) and gets congratulated at the after-party. Diego meets up with Sandra on the dance floor and tells her that he learned one thing from all this: that he's a lover, not a fighter.


Boo this man!

Well that's it. Since this is an MMA column, let's see how our fighters-turned-actors did.

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson: Got three lines, stole the show.

BJ Penn: Looked as uncomfortable and awkward as he always does on camera. As such, he was one of the best actors in this dung pile of a movie.

Georges St. Pierre: I was not impressed by his performance.

Heath Herring: Actually got a pretty juicy part to play, too bad he's got the acting range of a box of tissues.

Anderson Silva: Gave a better performance at UFC 97.

My final verdict? Unfortunately it's as predictable as everything that I watched for the last hour and a half. The MMA guys are in it for about 10 minutes combined, the rest is one big stroke-fest for Hector. There's a fair amount of nudity, but most of it is coupled with a 40-year old man making his sex face. Action-wise, there's nothing in this movie that Bloodsport and Best of the Best didn't do better 20 years ago.

In closing, this film is like getting kicked in the face by a festering pile of shit. Avoid it like you had open sores all over your genitals and this movie was a warm bath of lemon juice.

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