T-Berg's Top 10 10.30.09: Week 6 - MMA's Top 10 Ghouls & Goblins

Posted by Todd Bergman on 10.30.2009

In a very special Halloween Eve edition of T-Berg’s Top 10, 411’s Todd Bergman takes a look at the most spooky and creepy fighters in MMA. Hong Man Choi, Cyborg, Gonzaga, Kimbo Slice, and Wandy Silva all battle for the top spot. Click inside for more.

I don't know about all of you but I'm tired of reading about Shogun and Machida. For some reason, I just don't care. The judges may have screwed up another fight, but until MMA decides to clearly define the scoring and judging process, we all are left wishing and hoping for something better. I've touched on the scoring subject numerous times but nothing will be done until Dana White actually tries to change the system himself. Yes, I said Dana White because he's the most powerful guy in MMA. Like it or not, he can bring upon change that you and I can‘t even imagine. Until Dana actually says something, we as MMA fans are left looking at colored pictures of fighters that show where they were hit. It's pretty much like the bad-touch zone photos that some of you have had to discuss with your kids, teenage babysitter, or even Law Enforcement.




Enough with the off-topic crap. Let's get to this week's column. Since Halloween is upon us, I've decided to compile a list of MMA's Top 10 Ghouls and Goblins. Simply put, these are the most frightening looking fighters in the sport of MMA. Records and actual fighting abilities are not to be factored into this formula. Yes, I've used a formula for this article. Sheer, unadulterated ugliness coupled with some sort of genetic mutation will land you at the top of this list. I've also compared each of the fighters with some sort of horror movie character or other cultural reference point.


10.) Cyborg Santos

Horror Comparison: That chick from "Misery"

It's not often that I would admit being terrified of a girl. The theory probably goes back to the time of the Spaghetti Monster, but this chick scares the crap out of me. Cyborg is a terrific fighter and really seems to take solace in the fact that she beats bitches up. It's also obvious that, from a marketing stand point, if Cyborg were more on the feminine side, she could be a huge star much like Gina Carano. All of that withstanding, Cyborg's freaky 37-pack of muscles and her face that looks like she's been hit with every branch of the ugly tree lands her at the number 10 spot of the best Ghouls and Goblins in MMA.



9.) Gabe Gonzaga

Horror Comparison: Al Gore's Manbearpig

When the South Park episode that featured the Manbearpig aired, MMA fans instantly began relating Gonzaga to this mythological creature. Whether it's the nickname of "Napao" which means pig face or his always cheesy, but deceptively shit-eating grin that he cracks after vicious KO's, there's no doubt as to why Gonzaga lands on this list. In all honesty, I've met Gabe before and he's a really nice guy who just came up short in the looks department. At one point, Gabe was a Top 10 Heavyweight fighter, but after not being able to pull the trigger in some of the biggest fights, Gonzaga finds himself as the neighborhood can-crusher. Could the UFC live without Gonzaga? I'm sure they could, but no one wants to deal with an angry manbearpig do they? I'm serial.


8.) Giant Silva

Horror Comparison: His pro wrestling career

It's hard to figure out what was more terrifying about Giant Silva: his pro wrestling career, that at one point saw him in the WWE waving his hands in the air with the Insane Clown Posse, or his freakishly-short MMA career. Most people don't actually know that Silva early on took his MMA career very seriously as he trained with Ricardo and Ralek Gracie in order to gain a better sense of the MMA ground game. The training apparently didn't work out very well for Silva because he has only notched two career victories and those came against Akebono and Henry Miller, definitely not world-beaters. However word has recently surfaced that Silva is making a return to pro wrestling. So look for him at your local State Fair as he wrestles weekend warriors and the occasional farm animal. Maybe Vince McMahon will bring him in for some more kid-friendly entertainment. Wait, I've got it. Let's have Kamala and Silva beat down on John Cena for 30 minutes and then have Cena sneak out the win in the last 20 seconds. On second thought, that probably won't work.



7.) Big Foot Silva

Horror Comparison: Bigfoot…obviously

It's so very rare that a fighter's nickname actually matches what they look like. I'm going to cut Silva some slack here because I know that a lot of what he looks like today is from an illness named Acromegaly, but I couldn't make this list and not include him. Silva has done himself great harm with the handling of an alleged positive steroid test, in which he fled to Japan to fight instead of honoring the CSAC's decision. Even if Silva weren't guilty, he should've done more to prove his innocence instead of leaving the country to fight for Sengoku. It will be interesting to see if the "skipping the suspension" strategy pays off in the long run for Silva. Next weekend, he is scheduled to take on Fabricio Werdum in a title-eliminator fight. The fight will take place in Illinois but it will be interesting to see if the ISAC honors the suspension since Silva himself hasn't honored it.



6.) Kimbo Slice

Horror Comparison: The Candy Man

The story of Kevin Ferguson is much more than Kimbo Slice. Before judging the guy, you have to understand the back story of how he got to where he is today. Had it not been for Hurricane Andrew, Slice might actually be playing in the NFL. If you haven't checked out the entire Ferguson to Slice transformation then Google it or find it on Wikipedia. The reason that I placed Slice here is because of his freakish beard, weird chest hair patterns, Hulk Hogan-like haircut and his discolored gold teeth. Slice was forced down everyone's throats during the super-short EliteXC run that ultimately crashed and burned faster than Lindsay Lohan at an all-you-can-snort cocaine buffet. The big, black, greasy buck can now be seen every Wednesday night on the 10th season of The Ultimate Fighter. Slice has a long way to go when it comes to being a relevant MMA fighter, but his previous backyard brawls that dominated Youtube have made him a ratings monster. It's almost sad that great fighters like Shogun Rua, Machida, and GSP still don't get enough mainstream promotion while someone like Slice does.



5.) Yoshihiro Takayama

Horror Comparison: The Mummy

I recently saw a picture of Mel B. from the Spice Girls with blonde hair. That's the second worst decision that I've ever seen someone make. The first one, of course, would be Takayama. One can never truly understand the weirdness that is Japanese culture. I'm not really sure if Takayama is looked upon as a sex symbol or not, but I do know that he's a huge fan favorite for more than just his hair color. His fighting style is probably the reason that his face is so deformed and almost pumpkin-like. In his defense, Takayama is an equal-opportunity loser. He has lost twice by Submission and twice by TKO, totaling four defeats in four fights. Takayama follows suit, like many of the others on this list, in being a former pro wrestler. According to the former PRIDE site, his signature move was called the "Everest." I have no clue what it is but I'm sure that it has something to do with Takayama scaring the shit out of his opponents with his face.



4.) Brock Lesnar

Horror Comparison: The guy from "Falling Down"

Unless you have a soft spot in your heart for a guy with a flat top and a giant penis tattoo on his chest, then you have to be frightened by the sight of Lesnar. While my questioning of Lesnar's goblin-like looks, his wife, Rena Mero, proves me somewhat wrong. Then again she was married to Marc Mero at one point and was rumored to have laid down with half of the WWE roster at one point or another. It's hard to believe that someone who used to fake-fight for a living can honestly dominate in the sport of real fighting. Then again, Lesnar is essentially just more powerful than any other fighter in the UFC. Mark Coleman used to do the same thing, and then some guy kicked him in the face and completely destroyed his legacy. Am I saying that Lesnar can be stopped? I'm not quite sure, but I do know that if Swine Flu can get to him then someone with a decent sprawl can.



3.) Big Nog

Horror Comparison: Pumpkin Head

One of MMA's greatest fighters is also one of the most frightening. Nog's face is essentially play dough that gets reformed each and every fight. Much like the fighter mentioned above him, Big Nog has a scary face because of all of the damage that he has taken. It's a good thing that career success for the guys isn't measured on looks because Nog would be shit out of luck. You also add in the horrible scars on his back from the truck accident that happened to him when he was child and you can see why he ranks in the top three. Following the recent victory over Randy Couture, Big Nog seems ready to take another shot at the UFC Heavyweight Title. The logical choice would be that. if Lesnar isn't ready to go in January, to just have Nog fight Carwin for the number contendership; however, that would be pretty unfair for Carwin to go from title shot to contender fight. I don't want to see another lame, interim title introduced just for the sake of introducing one. I'm eager to see what everyone's opinion is on this situation.


2.) Wandy Silva

Horror Comparison: The Geico Caveman

I'm sure that all of you have seen the "questionable" evolution chart that features Darwin's theory of monkey to man. Well, Wandy Silva is the 3rd guy from the right on that list. While he is questionably the most primitive man on the Earth, Wandy Silva is a complete badass when it comes to fighting. His stare downs have been known to cause others to shit their pants. Silva's brutal, Muay Thai, reckless style is most likely the cause of his hideous looks. While Silva looks like a monster made in the basement of a Dr. Frankenstein, Wandy is one of the nicest guys ever when it comes meeting and interacting with fans. Meeting the guy at UFC 77 in Cincinnati was a dream come true for me and my wife. He seemed to have more difficulty in spelling her name than he did in his fight with Keith Jardine.



1.) Hong Man Choi

Horror Comparison: Jaws from the Bond flicks

There is no bigger ghoul or goblin in MMA than Choi, figuratively and literally. There simply isn't anyone as big and freakish as Choi and in his recent loss to Fedor, Choi threw Fedor around like he was a bag of sugar. In the end, however, Fedor grabbed onto the tree branch that is Choi's arm and was swung around like a child in a swing. The former K-1 World Champion Kickboxer seems to be regulated to freak fights in Japan, but I often wonder what would've happened if Choi was able to fight Brock Lesnar way back when. I doubt that the outcome would've been different, but just the thought of Lesnar eating a huge knee from the giant would've been worth it. Maybe the DJ that was playing sounds throughout the Coliseum that night would've had something funny to say about Lesnar's tattoo or Choi's giant head. I can only hope that after his fighting career is over Choi goes into mainstream American acting because I think that he would be tremendous in a Bond or Austin Powers flick. Maybe Rampage and Choi can redo the My Giant flick. Rampage is going to have a lot of time on his hands after "The A-Team" comes out and he has no MMA career to fall back on.

Honorable Mention

Butterbean: I've always thought that he would be perfect for the Marshmallow Man in the upcoming Ghostbusters movie.

Tito Ortiz: The giant head with bird legs just wasn't enough to land him in this list.

Keith Jardine: The creepy chin hair mixed with the "Lord of the Rings" face has worked wonders, but he would've made this list had he gone with the Techno Viking routine.

So for better or worse, there is the list of MMA's Top 10 Ghouls and Goblins. I wish everyone a safe and Happy Halloween. I will be rocking my Aoki pants and submitting any kid that gets within 20 feet of my house and will more than likely steal his candy. Next week, I will return with a special look at MMA‘s Top 10 Submission Fighters. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to mention them below. Remember to support your local MMA and keep your tapping hand strong.