The Verbal Submission 09.16.08: Fight Night, Clothing, TUF Wishes, and More!

Posted by Chris Robinson on 09.16.2008

After Nate Diaz fights a dentist, the UFC is serving up another season of The Ultimate Fighter. I have a wish list for things I would like to see on this brand spankin' new season of TUF. Also I jot down some stirring sentences and paragraphs on MMA clothing. All that, and Clay Guida drinking a girly fruity drink. Who can resist!?

R.I.P. Evan Tanner - A true champion.


Welcome to another riveting column, which is aptly, titled, "The Verbal Submission". The MMA world never ceases to amaze me as week after week we're treated to "big announcements" that will shock and wow us! This past weekend saw a "big announcement" that I'll get into later. We also have a lovely Fight Night coming up on Wednesday night, which is headlined by Nate Diaz vs. Josh Neer. Wait. That's the main event? Of the whole show? Wow. I'll also be talking a little bit about MMA clothing, serving up the Top 5 things I want to see on the new season of The Ultimate Fighter, and go back to the well for "In a perfect MMA world...". Now that you know what's coming you can't say I didn't warn you. Let's go!

How do I not own this already?


AFFLICTION RECEIVES A GOLDEN SHOWER OF PRAISE AND SPECULATION
So the fine folks at Affliction have teamed up with Oscar De La Hoya to promote MMA and boxing supercards in 2009. Now I'll explain to you why this is a horrible idea and anyone who says otherwise is a Communist. Look, I know everyone tolled the bell for Affliction when they postponed their show named after a video game, but that was obviously premature. The decision was a good one in my opinion. Their biggest draw right now is Fedor, and without him on the show tickets weren't exactly selling like hot cakes. So they back up, wait for Fedor to be cleared to fight, and put him in the ring with a worthy challenger.

Of course now Fedor will be sharing the limelight with Golden Boy Promotions and their stable of boxing talent. I'm sure he's thrilled. Unless Fedor is getting in the ring with Oscar himself, no one cares. A good chunk of MMA fans are former fans of boxing and pro wrestling, with both being tired of all the hoopla and shenanigans from those respective sports entities. Boxing is boring. Fights can go 12 rounds and are far more frustrating to watch depending on the weight division, fighters involved, etc. etc. etc. Knockouts are rare. Submissions are non-existent. The promoters are crooks. I could go on and on. I'm not saying Affliction and Golden Boy won't come up with some magic formula to combine the two sports into 3 hours of super fun entertainment. I'm just saying last time I checked Oscar De La Hoya isn't a leprechaun and doesn't shit Lucky Charms, so they might need a little luck on their side.

The main reason for the partnership is to further the profile of Affliction as the tag team with Donald Trump didn't do the trick I suppose. The higher the profile, the more likely they are to capture the Holy Grail that is a TV deal. HBO has already said they're not interested, but that could change at any time. From a promotional standpoint, I don't see any other benefit for Affliction. Golden Boy Promotions doesn't have a TV deal of any sort, and the only hope must be that diehard Oscar fans will flock to whatever the Golden Boy is promoting. The only thing that will get my eyes to the screen is if in the middle of this boxing/MMA super show somebody fights a bull....in the ring. Fedor vs. a bull!!! He's already beaten a Minatauro!!! (cue wacky old-timey vaudeville music)

Now THIS I can get behind. Wait...


MMA Clothing: Overpriced or Awesome?
Recently I've noticed the influx of MMA clothing to major retailers across the country. Basically I've seen it a lot at the mall. Stores like Champs, Lids, Spencer's, etc. are all carrying brands like Tapout, Warrior, UFC, Cage Fighter, etc. Brands like Affliction and Extreme Couture are also popping up in retail outlets at the usual insane prices. Are you really going to plunk down some cash for a T-shirt that costs more than an actual pay-per-view? Of course, I'm sure the standard insults will fly on that one, but let me say I could easily afford Affliction clothes, but I'd probably have to cut out my crippling addiction to pornography. Brands like Tapout are just as "funky fresh" as Affliction but much more affordable. I've said it before, but I believe a big promotional tool for Affliction is their clothing line, and they aren't utilizing it properly. Make a line of more affordable T-shirts!

Anyway, while surfing the interwebs for a new hat, I came across what may be the greatest MMA T-shirt of all time, so far. I give you the Kimbo Slice "All Day" T-shirt courtesy of Tapout. He has arrived folks. He may go down in defeat to a Hall of Famer on October 4th, but he's been immortalized with this shirt. I can't wait to see a 13-year-old kid skateboarding around my town proudly wearing Kevin "Kimbo Slice" Ferguson's image. Think of the proud parents.

All jokes aside, I love Kimbo Slice (not as a fighter, but as a hero for bearded men everywhere)


UFC Fight Night Preview: The Televised Card
HOUSTON "THE ASSASSASSASSASSIN" ALEXANDER VS. ERIC "RAVISHING RED ROOSTER" SCHAFER

Remember when Houston Alexander was an up and comer at 205, then he got KO'd twice. That was great. This fight is a must-win for Alexander who by all accounts is becoming more Chuck Liddell-ish. I even read recently that Houston just signed a new deal with the UFC. Really? I guess he'll be good for a few more fight nights, or if you want someone to job out on PPV, but the guy isn't legit. He's got no ground skills at all and is basically just a puncher. Eric "Ravishing Rick Rude" Schafer isn't exactly the most impressive fighter in the world either. I'm literally yawning while typing my thoughts on this fight. Schafer is 1-2 in the Octagon and carries a decent BJJ game. Look for him to try to take this fight to the ground immediately. He actually might start the fight by falling to his back because he does not want to stand and trade with Houston. Welcome back to the UFC, Eric. You're obviously here to help rebuild the single dad's career. I'm going with Houston Alexander by first round TKO as my official prediction.

Dear Houston, Enjoy my punch. Love, Superman.

Houston Alexander vs James Irvin

ED "SHORT FUSE (Get it? He gets angry quickly)" HERMAN VS. ALAN "THE TALENTED BURPER AND" BELCHER

Well neither of these guys have a shot in hell at beating Anderson Silva. So who cares! This is another fight where both guys are coming off of losses and need to pick up a win. It's not really a crucial situation for either guy, but you never know. For Herman, the UFC would always like one of the TUF alums to get on a hot streak to further validate the show's success. For Belcher, he's 3-3 in the UFC and has fallen into the role of gatekeeper. Unfortunately, he's gate keeping the middle of the road, and not the main event scene. This match does nothing for me, so I'll go with Herman by submission in round 2.

Gross!


CLAY "KAREN CARPENTER" GUIDA VS. MAC "NOT GLEN" DANZIG

These funny nicknames doing anything for ya? Now this is a fight I can wear pants for right here. Clay Guida is always an exciting fighter even if he loses a fight. Mac Danzig is a former TUF winner at 170 that has slipped seamlessly into the lightweight division. I'm pulling for Danzig in this fight because I would love to see him get a rematch with Kurt Pellegrino. The two faced off in the WEC back in 2002, but I'm pretty sure both of their skill sets have advanced since then. Back to this fight, a win here for Guida would bump up his status at 155, while a loss for Danzig wouldn't do too much damage. The 155 division is arguably the most stacked division in the UFC right now, and both guys would love to face better competition. I think Guida might have the stand-up advantage here, but Mac's got the better ground game. I hope these two stand and bang for three rounds and the blood flies. I'm going with Danzig by split decision.

They call it a Hawaiian Punch-tini, but I call it DELICIOUS.


NATE "THE LESS HIGH" DIAZ VS. JOSH "THE DENTIST THAT IS NOT FAR BUT" NEER

Still nothing on the nicknames? It's interesting to me that the main event of this show wasn't Diaz vs. Guida. Neer hasn't always been the most exciting fighter in the world. If he doesn't catch you in a quick submission, you're in for a three round bore-fest. I guess they're kind of playing off of Neer's loss to Nick Diaz, but how I'm not sure. "I lost to your brother, but I can beat you!" Doesn't make sense really. Neer probably is the better-rounded fighter, but Nate Diaz has been impressive so far in the Octagon. You know his submission game is top notch and he'll look to add on to his 4-0 UFC record. So who gets the submission? I'm going to go with Diaz by first round submission and hopefully this will lead to a match with the winner of Guida/Danzig. How great is the 155 division right now? Seriously!

The classic FTW Triangle Choke courtesy of Stockton's finest son, Nate Diaz


WHAT I WANT TO SEE ON TUF 8
After spending a chunk of the weekend watching the last season of TUF and the first season of TUF, I'm ready for some TUF! Here are the top 5 things I hope to see during the Team Mir vs. Team Nogueira season.

1) All the fighters agree to stay sober and not destroy anything in the house. They leave the house in pristine condition and even offer to have the swimming pool and Jacuzzi sanitized. Dana White is so happy he sends them all gift baskets filled with soaps, fancy chocolates, and assorted nuts.

2) During the "Get Into the House" fights, one of the fighters leaves before the fight because he isn't ready to be on national TV. He doesn't want to be known as "The Guy that peed his pants", or "The Guy that kicked out a limo window", or "This year's Jesse Taylor". Enthralled by the man's class, Dana White offers him a title shot in the WEC in whatever division he wants. The guy retardedly chooses the light heavyweight division.

3) Frank Mir makes a joke saying Big Nog's ear looks like a pig's uterus. He doesn't realize that calling someone a pig's uterus is a horrible insult in Brazil. Big Nog hits him with a car.

4) Coach Anderson Silva literally murders someone during sparring. He then dances to celebrate the kill. No charges are filed.

5) Dana White ends every show with the Ken and Tito Moment of the Night. All of these moments are exaggerated confrontations, that are exaggerated even further through editing. Dana then promises Mir and Nogueira will Ken and Tito each other during the following week's show. To everyone's surprise, during that episode, Frank Mir fights Kimbo Slice and Big Nog bangs Jenna Jameson. It is the greatest episode of TUF ever.

In a perfect MMA world...
In a perfect MMA world, Bas Rutten will come out of retirement to face off against Fedor Emelianenko at the next Affliction show. El Guapo will come into the fight in great shape with a perfect game plan to defeat MMA's Last Emperor. In an unfortunate twist of fate, Fedor uses the classic Rutten Liver Punch to do major damage to Bas. In the beginning of the third round, Fedor lands another hard liver punch and Rutten shits his pants. The fight ends and Affliction goes out of business.

Whoever the baby daddy is, may God have mercy on their soul.


END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another pound for pound edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to Google Image Search, YouTube, DailyMotion, Sherdog.com, and UFC.com for pics, vids, and info for today's column.

The Empire Hardcore Podcast actually happened this weekend at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my YouTubish nonsense on YouTube. Also, be sure to go here for my blog, which I update weekly with videos and words. I'll be back next Tuesday to talk about things, go over stuff, and review whatever. Have a good week!

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR