The Verbal Submission 11.11.08: UFC 91 Preview, Fake Tito Interview, and Carano-y Goodness

Posted by Chris Robinson on 11.11.2008

It's another nerve wracking edition of the Verbal Submission. I'm previewing the EPIC match-up between "The Natural" and "The Next Big Thing". Plus, "KenFlo" takes on "Daddy". There really are some awful nicknames in MMA. Plus I'll give my late thoughts on WEC 36, clue you in on the whereabouts of Gina Carano, and I sit down in my head with Tito Ortiz. He's a swell guy.

The MMA train keeps rolling and on November 15th it pulls into the station at the MGM Grand for the "biggest fight ever" between Brock Lesnar and Randy Couture. I use the quotes because the magnitude of the fight is very open to personal opinion. In today's Verbal Submission, I'll be previewing the televised card for UFC 91, plus I'll review all the latest news that's stanking up the MMA universe. There's Tito Ortiz making believe he's still relevant, WEC 36 ruling hard, another big name whispering about a comeback, and two broads want to tango for some lucky promotion. So sit back, relax your eyes, relax your mind, and just enjoy my thought provoking nonsense. Remember, it's just a MMA column. No reason to get your panties in a bunch because of little old me.

You...smell...beautiful...bro...


NEWS THAT BROKE AFTER I WROTE THE BULK OF THIS COLUMN!!!
It's my favorite section of the column. Basically I write the bulk of the column over the weekend, then on Monday night I post it here at 411Mania. I like to throw in some Monday news bits though, so I'm as current as humanly possible. Got it?

WERDUMED!

Fabricio Werdum is officially a former UFC heavyweight contender. Werdum was let go by the UFC on Monday after his contract negotiation spilled into "you lost, you make less now" territory. Fortunately for Werdum, the heavyweight division outside of the UFC is thriving. I'm sure Affliction will gobble him up sooner than later. Werdum's stock definitely dropped after his shocking loss to Junior Dos Santos, but he'll still be able to make some decent scratch. Heavyweight fighters like Ben Rothwell, Roy Nelson, and Josh Barnett always need a fresh opponent, plus Werdum cut his teeth in a PRIDE ring, so being in an Affliction ring should be no biggie.

CARANO GETS NAUGHTY

Later on in this very column I'll give my thoughts on the future of Gina Carano, but this link is too good not to post right here. Apparently, there's a certain lesbian MMA fighter, Tonya Evinger, that wants to get freaky with "Crush". After looking at these photos, that freaky desire just might swing both ways. Judge for yourself here.

PROELITE: DOUCHEBAGS TO THE BITTER END

According to MMAjunkie.com, several agents that represent EliteXC fighters got together and wrote a letter to ProElite. The letter basically states that ProElite is the worst, and their fighters' contracts shouldn't be a part of the upcoming asset auction ProElite is having. It's bad enough ProElite almost put a healthy black eye on the sport, but now they're messing with the livelihood of families. Your company folded. Your fighters should instantly be freed from their contracts so they can continue to put food on the table. Let it go you douchetards! Unbelievable. It's good to see these agents band together to try and help their clients, but it's really a passing gesture at this point. Hopefully all these shenanigans get sorted out, and some talented fighters can get back to doing what they do best.

UFC 91: MUHAMMAD ALI VS. MIKE TYSON...SORT OF
I'm going to go in reverse order today and talk about the main event of UFC 91 before getting into the rest of the televised card. It's that important! Some people believe the rest of this card was kind of slapped together due to the marquee match-up at the top of the card. It still looks like a solid show to me, but what do I know?

RANDY COUTURE VS. BROCK LESNAR: UFC HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE

Randy Couture is the best heavyweight to ever step foot inside the Octagon. I didn't say the best heavyweight in MMA history. I said the best to ever fight in the Octagon a.k.a. the UFC. So calm down. Brock Lesnar in no way deserves a title shot after three professional fights. So what the hell is Dana White and Joe Silva thinking? There's no question that Brock Lesnar's superstar status coupled with his domination of Heath Herring led to this fight. Personally, I would've liked to see Couture vs. Nogueira and Mir vs. Lesnar 2 with the winners then meeting for the title. Unfortunately we have to deal with the fact that TUF coaches ALWAYS have to fight each other to end the season. I do believe that at some point we will get to see Nogueira vs. Couture, which is a match-up that has money written all over it.

Anyway, let's talk Couture vs. Lesnar. Brock Lesnar is expected to lose this fight. Randy Couture is expected to win this fight and once again overcome his age, Brock's power, blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't count Brock out so quickly. He's been training with one of the top Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu coaches in the world, Rodrigo Medeiros. Medeiros has been quoted as saying he's never seen someone absorb so much BJJ knowledge in the year he's been working with Brock. Brock has also been upping his already dominating wrestling abilities by training with two time NCAA champion, Cole Konrad. On the other side of things, Couture has been training with the Incredible Hulk, Kurt Angle, and the ghost of Danny Hodge. Danny Hodge is still alive? Wow.

Not dead. My bad.


So both fighters are in top physical form, have amazing camps, and have studied all the tape there is to study. The tape studying thing took Randy 20 minutes, tops. Where will the fight end up? Couture's strategy will involve pressing Brock up against the cage, tying him up in a clinch, throwing knees, and working some dirty boxing...for five rounds. Seriously, I doubt highly that Randy is going to want to take this to the ground for any extended period of time. He's also stated he doesn't want to stand and trade with Brock because he fears those beefy 4XL gloves meeting the lucky side of his jaw.



For Lesnar, I would imagine he would want to stand and trade with Couture until the clinching begins. Then it's time to take Captain America downtown to Lesnar-town. In other words, Brock slams Randy to the ground, and the pounding ensues. There's just no way to train for Lesnar's pure strength. Couture can roll with all the 240, 250, and 260 pound hunks of man he can find, but they don't have Brock Lesnar's superhuman strength. They just don't! Granted, Brock won't be able to hold Couture down for five rounds. Randy will squirm out, shift positions, change strategies mid-fight, whatever he needs to do to keep Brock Lesnar guessing. If Brock can stick to his game plan, stay calm, and listen to his corner, he can win this fight.



I've learned that you never bet against Randy Couture. I've also learned that Brock Lesnar is a fast learner and a rapid improver. I see this one going five rounds easily, and I see Brock Lesnar picking up a split decision. Bring on Mir or Nog.

An artist's rendering of Round 4.


KENNY FLORIAN VS. JOE STEVENSON

Why is this match happening again? Oh that's right, BJ Penn has a French Canadian bee in his bonnet with the initials GSP. Yeah, I said it, BJ Penn wears bonnets. Kenny Florian should not have to fight this fight. He's run through every opponent since his failed attempt at becoming lightweight champ at UFC 64. His domination of some Spanish guy whose name I'm not legally allowed to type at UFC 87 is just further proof that he is one of the premier lightweights in the world. Joe Stevenson is in a similar place in his MMA career to where Florian was in 2006. Stevenson lost his shot at the gold, and now has to reload and rebuild. He's coming off a submission victory over Gleison Tibau, a name that just looks like letters thrown together with no real intention to form a name. Joe "Daddy" gets to play the role of spoiler here. If he wins, Florian's sure thing title shot goes out the window. Who then gets the next shot at Penn's gold? Good question.

For Kenny Florian, everything is coming up Millhouse lately. He just opened up his own gym. He's had success as an analyst on MMA LIVE on ESPN.com. He's knocking on the front door of the 3 bedroom townhouse that is the 155 crown. He has everything to lose with this fight, but also everything to gain. With a victory, he's knocked off every top lightweight in the UFC not named Penn or Sherk. It's amazing to me that Florian is a guy that doesn't even it make into the Top 10 on Top 10 lightweight lists. Opinions really are like buttholes.

This fight will most likely go to the ground where both men are dangerous. KenFlo has his hellbows. Joe "Daddy" has power, ground and pound, and submissions. I'm a fan of both fighters, which makes this one very tough to call. I think Florian is on a hot streak right now that will lead to a title shot in early 2009, so I'm going with Kenny Florian by unanimous decision.

AMIR SADOLLAH VS. NICK CATONE

The latest TUF winner returns to the Octagon to face CB Dollaway for the third tim......Nick Catone? Thank God. I thought for a minute I'd hear Dana White ranting how Sadollah/Dollway was akin to Shamrock/Ortiz. They just keep fighting each other for no reason! I enjoyed Amir's run on TUF not just because of his fighting ability, but because of his marketable personality. The UFC knows they have a possible future crossover star in Sadollah, so expect his run in the middleweight division to move slowly. They should really take their time building Amir up so when he starts to face top competition, he has enough experience under his belt to make it count. In Nick Catone, we have a virtual unknown that is allegedly impressive. You know the guy is unknown when Sherdog doesn't even have a picture of him. Oddly enough, Catone is from my neck of the woods, good ol' Central Jersey. Jersey MMA represent! How can I bet against a kickboxing champion and fellow Jersey native? Well, I guess like this. My pick for this fight is Amir Sodollah by second round submission. Sorry Nicky. No disrespect. How ya doin'?

This is Nick Catone. Just in case you were wondering.


GABRIEL GONZAGA VS. JOSH HENDRICKS

I should bet now that if Brock Lesnar loses his fight with Couture, that Gonzaga will be his next opponent. Is it just me? I like Gonzaga. I do. He had a nice run with a big win over Cro Crop and then lost to Couture and Werdum. So now he looks to continue on the comeback trail after his recent victory over Justin McCully. Josh Hendricks is, um, how many people are making their UFC debut on this card? Seriously! According to published articles, Hendricks trains with Randy Couture and is riding a 10 fight win streak. Sorry Napao, this one is probably going Hendricks' way. I'm going with Josh Hendricks by first round submission. The guy loves chokes!

NATE QUARRY VS. DEMIAN MAIA

Now we're talking! Maia gets me excited in good way with his destructive submission game. Nate Quarry, protect ya neck. I'm just saying. The only way Quarry wins this fight is if he somehow keeps the fight standing and knocks Maia out. I don't see it happening. Maia is slick, slippery, and seductive on the ground. He'll lure you into his guard with a false sense of security and before you know it you're unconscious and pantsless. Poor Nate Quarry. Seriously though, if Maia picks up another impressive win here, he'll continue to move up to better competition against maybe a Nate Marquardt or a Thales Leites. Maia and Leites aren't BJJ best friends are they? I barely keep track of who is on whose team. I don't have the time! Quarry doesn't get submitted EVER, but I don't think he's ever faced someone with Maia's ground game in the UFC. I'm going to call this one an upset though, and go with Quarry by decision. He must be excited to face someone who won't run from him for the majority of the fight. I'm looking at you Starnes!

TITO ORTIZ: PROFESSIONAL TEASER
And now my fictional interview (based on Tito's latest public proclamations) with Tito "The Huntingdon Beach Bad Boy" Ortiz.

ME: Hi Tito, thanks for taking the time to talk with me.

TITO: No problem man, I'll be fighting for Affliction or the UFC soon, so I'll be pretty busy. Just waiting for my back to heal 6 months ahead of time, and then I'll be a dad soon. I have a full plate. Team Punishment.

ME: Um, ok. I thought you said you'd never fight for the UFC again. Oh, and Dana White hates you.

TITO: It's all about money man. I'm going to be the highest paid fighter in the history of people. Whoever has the cash, they get Tito Ortiz. Plus, I need the money. I sunk a large chunk of change into "Zombie Strippers" and that shit sunk like the Titanic in quicksand. So, I need to make some cash quick.

ME: Wow. Really? Zombie Strippers wasn't a box office smash? Weird. Well, who do you want to fight if you go back to the UFC?

TITO: I wanna get my belt back so I'll be looking for whoever is holding that belt. If it's Forrest, or Rashad. I beat both those guys soundly. Whoever has the belt I'm coming for them.

ME: I can't tell you how many things are wrong with that statement. I think the real money is in Tito vs. Kimbo in the Afflicition promotion on CBS. What do you think of that possible match-up?

TITO: As long has his name isn't Chuck Liddell or Lyoto Machida, I'll fight anybody. Actually, wait I'll fight Liddell again. I love fighting people three times. That's where the money is at.

ME: Yeah people love it when you have pointless rematches.

TITO: Whatever fills the void from Zombie Strippers. You have no idea how much we had to pay Robert Englund.

ME: Well thanks Tito. Thanks for the fictional interview.

TITO: You're welcome bro. Team Punishment. TitoOrtiz.com. All of Jenna's movies. Plug. Butt Plug. Plug. I'm out.

That's a very Liddellish mustache he's rocking. Weird.


CYBORG AND CARANO: SO HAPPY TOGETHER!
Gina Carano's management team is hitting up "Cyborg" Santos' team so the two can fight each other for the highest bidder. Hooray! It's odd that their marketing this fight together. I guess they both realize that this is the biggest fight in women's MMA right now, short of making it a three way with "Karate Hottie" Michelle Waterson. The frontrunner to host this female slugfest is Strikeforce as they're open to the idea of women's MMA as a draw, and they air weekly on NBC, Carano's former home on American Gladiators. Tell you something you don't know? Affliction is allegedly interested in this fight as well as rumors of them working with CBS or Showtime continue to swirl. If Strikeforce does land this sweet package deal, their live debut on NBC becomes exciting instantly. Carano would instantly become the biggest name in the promotion (sorry Josh Thomson). I hope this fight happens sooner than later because if I know old crafty Dana White, the moment women's MMA picks up steam, he'll squash the competition and sign every woman fighter there is. He's real Vince McMahon-y like that. The big benefit for both women is that they were horribly underpaid in EliteXC (shocking!) and hopefully this fight will land them each a payday on par with their male counterparts. In other news, Urijah Faber may switch to fighting women. ($14,000 to fight Brown? The dude is the poster boy for the WEC!)

Here's how Carano vs. Cyborg looks in my head.


WEC 36 QUICK THOUGHTS: I'M THE LAST GUY TO EXPRESS THOUGHTS ON THIS ONE
1. Paulo Filho and Kalib Starnes should get gay married somewhere (not California, heh) and never fight professionally again. I don't care if it's drugs, depression, weight gain, his cat died, his corner had atrocious gas, somebody called him Anderson Silva Jr., Frank Mir called him a pussy, I don't care! This weird ass "I'm not fighting" garbage has got to stop! It's bad enough Anderson Silva fought "tentatively" in his last fight. Unless Filho was doing a tribute parody to Silva, this crap is inexcusable. Now he's claiming he's going to fight at 205. Who cares? I say make the guy fight on some no name shows while still under his ZUFFA contract just to prove he's not a total waste. What a joke! This guy is number 2 in the world at 185. I don't think so. PRIDE is gone Paulo, get over it. You're in a cage now. Fight or go home. It's that simple.

2. Urijah Faber is still one of the best in the world, pound for pound. I don't know what he was thinking with that spinning back elbow garbage, but I bet he never throws that strike in a fight again. I'm guessing they make Faber take one fight while Brown fights Garcia, and then Faber gets his rematch. People instantly decried the WEC's PPV hopes as impossible with Faber's loss, and those people are mildly retarded. If the WEC holds off, and puts the Faber vs. Brown rematch on PPV, it will draw huge. ZUFFA isn't exactly new at the whole PPV promotion thing, so I'm fairly certain they know what they've got. The money is in the rematch people. Can't argue with that.

3. Jens Pulver got knocked the F@$% OUT! I hate to say it, but I think Jens' time in the cage is coming to a close. He's lost four of his last five fights and is starting to tread into that retirement talk territory like Liddell and Hughes. It sucks because Jens is always fun to watch and his bout with Faber in June was epic. Who knew Garcia could hit that hard? I guess that Spanish guy whose name I can't legally type here has a better chin than Pulver because he didn't get KO'd in their UFC war. I look forward to seeing Garcia vs. Faber someday though, much more than Brown vs. Garcia.

4. Where can I see Cerrone vs. McCullough? People are saying that fight was FOTY material and it wasn't televised. WHY DANA? WHY!!!

The only pic of Cerrone vs. McCullough I could find.


KEVIN RANDLEMAN: CALL IT A COMEBACK
Kevin Randleman wants to make a comeback. Just thought I'd mention it. Whatever.

Don't touch El Guapo.


END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another magnificent episode of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to Sherdog.com, MMAJunkie.com, MMAfightgirls.com MMARated.com, UFC.com, and WEC.tv. Be sure to check out all the latest MMA columns and news reports here at 411Mania.com, especially that Tapping with TBerg guy. I imagine TBerg looks like Bill Goldberg with a pirate eye patch.

The Empire Hardcore Podcast will be back before year's end and until then you can listen to past shows at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my video nonsense on YouTube. Also, my den of erotica is here. I'll be back next Tuesday to gloat about how great Brock Lesnar is, or to share my recipe for humble pie. Enjoy your week!

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR