The Verbal Submission 12.16.08: Big Weekend Review, MMA Reality Shows, and The Octagon?

Posted by Chris Robinson on 12.16.2008

With the holidays approaching, the UFC gave us two beautifully wrapped gifts this past week. One show featured horrific injuries. One show featured solid action and quick knockouts. Somewhere in Florida, a young boy's dreams came true inside a cage via doctor's stoppage. Also, there's a new MMA reality show on the horizon, and MTV is going to the "MMA well" one more time. All this, and does Chuck Norris have a history with the Octagon you're not aware of?

It's the column specifically written to cater to Whopper Virgins. It's the Verbal Submission. In a week dominated by UFC cards on "free" TV, the rest of the MMA world decided to dole out some news items just to keep things interesting. It looks as though several media outlets are looking to add MMA related content and I'm not even talking about those Bellator Fighting Championships on ESPN Spanishy. In today's column, I'll be going over my thoughts on Fight for the Troops (half the guys on that card are near dead), The Ultimate Finale (hype vs. strategy), MTV's next step in bringing you MMA influenced documentaries, WAMMA scraped together some cash for another title, and everyone's favorite former pro wrestler makes his MMA debut. Bobby Lashley isn't your favorite pro wrestler? Well, I can certainly see why. I also stumbled across another interesting film from years gone by as I googled that UFC coffee table book. My coffee table is filled with everything except a book, so I said to myself, "Maybe a UFC coffee table book would look good on my coffee table." As you can see, I talk to myself on a regular basis.

I'm telling you, the third time is the charm. I don't care if he trains with the Snorks.


FIGHT FOR THE TROOPS: DALE HARTT IS MADE OF ADAMANTIUM
The UFC managed to squeeze in a bunch of fights in between making me overly depressed with vignettes featuring injured US soldiers. It was like watching those ASPCA commercials with Sara McLachlan, that sad as balls song she sings, and all those crying cats and dogs. The only difference was the UFC used humans with injured skulls. I know the impact here was so you'd donate money, but it kind of took away from the fights for me. Then I saw a man's arm snap like a stronger than usual twig, and I got right back into it.

In my country, we don't have a word for "submit". Seriously, we don't have a word for it. And to tap someone on the leg is a sign of homosexuality.


Also on the card, Corey Hill's leg snapped in half as if it were made of a weaker than usual twig, and his MMA career will be on hold for at least 18 months. If he can mentally focus himself to ever get back in the Octagon after that, he has some serious intestinal fortitude. Even if he decides to fight again, bet he relies on leg kicks a LOT less.

Josh Koscheck's win over Yoshida was impressive, but I think he's starting to fall into that Rich Franklin-ish category at 170. He can run through anybody not named Thiago or Georges, but unfortunately those guys are the best right now. Koscheck will probably continue to be fed quality opponents, but where does he go from here? Where does the motivation come from when you know there's no way you're getting close to the title for at least another year? Hopefully all the controversy over the infamous video game contract subsides, and Koscheck continues to fight for money and glory. He could also fight for hot broads, fancy cars, and gold plated leather belts. Wait, scratch that last one.

Let's all welcome the return of Mike "QUICK" Swick. After two lackluster fights at welterweight, Mike Swick made Jonathan Goulet look like an amateur with his quick TKO victory. This is the turnaround that the UFC and its fans have been waiting for from Swick. Here's a guy who dropped down from 185, where he was picking people apart (except for that Okami fight), to a weight class with a wealth of talent. I'm still not sure why he did it. Luckily it only took him three fights to remember he had a nickname that implies great speed when fighting. I'm still waiting for Swick's second video blog, and now that he's impressing people again maybe he'll turn on the old web cam and tell us how he managed the 180. I've already heard rumblings that Swick could get a shot at Thiago Alves while Thiago is waiting for the Penn/GSP outcome. Thiago is an absolute beast right now, but Swick's stand-up looks top notch again so he could give Thiago some problems. As much as I want to see Penn/GSP Part Deux, it seems to be creating problems for the KenFlo's and Pitbulls of the world that are very deserving of title shots.

Swick wants Alves and he wants him NOW!!!


THE ULTIMATE FINALE: ESCUDERO & BADER & BROWNING: NOT A 70'S FOLK ROCK BAND
I've honestly read blog comments and message boards around the interwebs decrying this show as lackluster. Are you serious? Every televised fight ended in a KO or submission, the one fight that went to a decision was exciting, and I have no clue how people form opinions anymore. To start off, I will say that Junie "I'M SORRY NOW THAT I WON" Browning was impressive and surprisingly enough didn't quit the UFC after the match. That's his style right? Dave Kaplan couldn't seem to let his hands go and Browning capitalized en route to a submission victory. Oh by the way, Browning trains at Xtreme Couture (Just in case you missed the 13,147 times Joe Rogan mentioned it).

If I were Kaplan, I'd fall back on the singing career.


Next up let's talk about the inability for certain fighters to do their JOBS, and make weight. Wilson Gouveia is the latest culprit, and this came just two days after Fiorivanti and Farber failed to make weight for their bout. WHAT IS HAPPENING? I can't tell you how much respect I lose for a fighter that can't make weight, especially when they're as talented as Gouveia. Why did you drop down to 185 if you can't hit the mark? IT MAKES NO SENSE. You know I'm frustrated when I use capital letters. Gouveia's dominating stand-up wrecked the ever vigilant MacDonald, and firmly planted him back to the bottom of the middleweight food chain. As for Gouveia, this is a guy that could give Anderson Silva some problems IF HE CAN MAKE WEIGHT ONCE OR TWICE. Like if Junie Browning had missed weight, I wouldn't be surprised and probably wouldn't care. Gouveia is someone that should be on PPV dealing out the punishment, but he'll never get there until he puts down the whoppers. We get it Wilson. You're not a Whopper Virgin. Stop raping the Burger King for his delicious sandwiches.

Fascinating.


Next up we had the barely anticipated rematch between Kevin "Finger Me" Burns and Anthony "My EYE!" Johnson. After using the old "detach the retina" offense in their first bout, Burns came into this bout and surprisingly enough didn't throw any palm strikes. Weird! I've liked Johnson since his dismantling of Tommy Speer, and this bout made me like him even more. I'm a sucker for head kicks. Now that all this eye poke business is out of the way, let's throw Johnson in there with somebody special at 170. I wouldn't mind seeing Johnson and Goulet hook it up, but I think Goulet will be falling back down to undercard status after his loss. Maybe a match-up with Yoshida?

The first TUF final took place at 205 and Ryan Bader proved that lightly punching someone near the temple when you have the power of the Dark Side at your disposal can be devastating. He's a Sith Lord right? Anyway, Bader had a perfect gameplan in this fight and that was not to let Vinny use BJJ in any way, shape, or form. Vinny will never, EVER be successful in the UFC until he ups his boxing and kickboxing. He severely underestimated the power in Bader's hands and paid the price. I think Vinny has a future in MMA, but he needs someone to relay the message that an intimidating scowl will only get you so far. As for Bader, he still has a ways to go with his stand-up game, and with the state of the 205'ers right now, he'll have plenty of time to develop. I have a feeling we will be talking about Bader in a few years as following the same path to success as Forrest Griffin.

Ultimate Fighter winner Ryan Bader...wearing a hat. Hmmm.


The second TUF final took place at 155 and Efrain Escudero proved that a Mexican can always defeat a Filipino nurse in a cage fight. Several reports and interviews I've read spotlighted what appeared to be a bit of an ego on Mr. Nover despite the fact he hadn't won anything yet. It seemed as though he thought he could walk into the octagon, throw a few punches, and Efrain would just crumble. Instead, he threw those punches, Efrain ducked, and imposed his will on Phillipe for the better part of three rounds. I'm sure the UFC is already salivating at the possibility of doing a rematch between Efrain and Junie Browning, so don't be surprised if that happens early next year. Efrain's boxing still needs a bit of work, but his wrestling should help him plow through some of the lower tier guys at 155. As for Phillipe, the comparisons to GSP and Anderson Silva were obviously premature, but if he has the same drive those two champions have he will learn from this loss and come back a more level headed fighter. Don't believe your own hype!

Congratulations Efrain!!! Oh, I see you're celebrating your victory in San Francisco. Oh, I see you're celebrating....in Francisco.


BEHOLD BOBBY LASHLEY AND IS ABILITY TO MAKE THE TAG LINE FOR THE SHOW BECOME A REALITY!
On MFA's "There Will Be Blood" show this past Saturday, former WWE superstar Bobby Lashley won his MMA debut via doctor's stoppage just 41 seconds into the fight. Lashley opened up a gash on opponent Josh Franklin's forehead which caused the stoppage and unfortunately, Franklin had to have his head shaved after the match. That's how it works in this sport right? Oh I'm sorry, the owner of MFA has to have his head shaved. Stop me if this isn't funny. Lashley is already telling anyone that will listen to his baby voice that he wants to jump to a big time promotion, or fight Brock Lesnar. Get in line! Bobby has grown very tired of all the "Black Lesnar" comments that comically draw upon the similarities of the words "black" and "Brock". I thought Bobby could take a painless joke like "Black Lesnar". It can't be anymore hurtful than a needle to the ass right Bobby? (Kidding.)

Rumor has it Lashley will be fighting next for Palace Fighting Championships on their February card as the AFL continues to make believe they're a promotion. Hopefully, the AFL will do the right thing and release Bobby from his fictional contract so he can continue to make a name for himself in MMA. He's 32 years old and for some reason certain MMA fans see that as being a hindrance. I don't agree, but I'd rather see Lashley fighting for a major promotion if he has the potential to become a great fighter. Plus, the marketability of a Lesnar vs. Lashley fight would be HUGE provided Lashley earns the opportunity. HAHAHAHAHA. I'm sorry. I couldn't type that with a straight face. Just put the match together to get those sweet, sweet wrestling fan pay-per-view buys.

Oh, sorry, wrong Franklin. My bad. I won't let tit happen again. It's the breast picture I could find. Boobs.


ALVAREZ VS. AOKI: WAMMA ME EXCITED
According to FiveOuncesofPain.com, the upcoming Shinya Aoki vs. Eddie Alvarez fight in Japan could be for the newly created WAMMA lightweight championship. You remember WAMMA don't you? I made fun of their existence. WAMMA COO Michael Lynch called me and gave me a crash course in what WAMMA is. I apologized in this very column and drove way in my new Volvo that he also sold me during that phone call. You may also remember WAMMA because their heavyweight champion is some guy named Fedor. He likes ice cream, hates his brother, hangs with ducks, and takes Andre Arlovski lightly (but not really).

Bottom line, fan reaction to this announcement seems to be leaning towards the negative side due to the fact that WAMMA lists BJ Penn as the top lightweight in the world, yet Aoki vs. Alvarez will be for their championship. Look, WAMMA isn't awful for the sport like some suggest, but it's clearly difficult for them to align with one organization especially when that organization (Affliction) is on shaky ground. If Affliction folds, WAMMA will follow Fedor to wherever he ends up (probably Adrenaline). I'm actually all for WAMMA trying to penetrate the Japanese MMA scene (who doesn't like Japanese penetration?). My only problem is they should think about adjusting their rankings to exclude UFC talent because they'll never have access to them. There are plenty of fans out there snubbing the UFC as some sort of evil company, and I'm sure those same fans would love to back a Top 10 list featuring top fighters not under the ZUFFA banner.

My only other suggestion is that WAMMA go full force in 2009 and start crowning champions in every weight class. I realize that's less likely to happen due to the lack of major MMA promotions, but I can dream can't I? I'm sure the upcoming Babalu vs. Sokoudjou match at Affliction 2: We Still Exist could be for a WAMMA light heavyweight title. HAHAHAHAHAAHA. Again, sorry. Those guys are top notch at 205 right?

Who is this guy?

Eddie Alvarez vs Tatsuya Kawajiri (Dream 5)VideoEnvoyé par niko9211 sur wat.tv

MMA + REALITY = SUCCESS! ......RIGHT?
MTV's "Made" will venture into the realm of MMAfor the third time in 2009. The show has already followed around Kit Cope (twice), UFC lightweight Frankie Edgar, and turned a fat girl into a prom queen. There's also the episode where the prom queen becomes a fat girl. That one surprised me. Now the show has teamed up with Florida's Xtreme Fighting Championships to turn an average Joe into a MMA SUPERSTAR! (Imagine Molly Shannon reading the last part). The XFC has been drawing some reasonably large crowds for a regional promotion (in the 10,000 range) and exposure on MTV (owned by Viacom/CBS) can't hurt that drawing ability. They don't necessarily have any major names fighting for the promotion, but they do have a gaggle of local whor.........talented.......ring girls.

Not Arianny Celeste quality, but they'll do.


The XFC was recently featured in a five part series of articles on MMAJunkie.com, so if you want to get familiar with them go there and read words. Back to the show's premise, the XFC will hold tryouts (I assume for people with SOME previous training) and pick a fighter to train at their training facilities. That fighter will then appear in a fight on their April 18th card in Tennessee. Along the way, I'm sure the fighter will struggle with whether or not he wants to be a fighter, deal with an annoying girlfriend, drink piss, struggle with family issues, vomit on command, but eventually make it to fight day and lose valiantly. That about covers it I think.

Also in development in the realm of reality television is the show, "Ultimate Women Combat". According to MMAJunkie.com, Warrior Promotions, the firm behind Cage Warriors in the UK, will be producing the show. There's no TV deal in place yet, but they currently have Tara LaRosa, Cesar Gracie, Rosi Sexton, Joanna Krupa, and Marika Taylor on board for hosting and coaching duties.

The show is basically another version of The Ultimate Fighter or The Contender and will have eight women living together and training together as they try to win the show. It's an interesting time for women's MMA as their biggest star is without a promotion to fight for, and most of the other top talents are virtually unknown. This show could actually be the breakthrough that women's MMA needs to become more widely accepted. Now I know people will say it's already broken through thanks to Ms. Carano, but until I see a women's MMA match on a ZUFFA promoted card, it's still off the radar. This show could change all that. The formula is already in place and doesn't need a whole lot of tweeking. Eight broads live in a house, get their periods, don't get the Yoplait flavors they ask for, and pandemonium ensues. (Kidding) Honestly I hope the show finds some decent distribution and a lot of eyeballs land on it. Having a Gracie attached can't hurt either right?

This is Marika Taylor. She hasn't done nudes. F#@&ing tease.


MONSON & VELASQUEZ: DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK, THEY'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE
Anyone else find it interesting that Cain Velasquez's return to the Octagon is coming around the same time as Jeff Monson return rumors are floating around? Seriously, does anyone find it interesting? Velasquez has been planted square in the middle of the recent "video game contract" controversy, but it's now been announced via YouTube that Cain is coming back at Fight Night 17 in February. Monson handed Ricco Rodriguez his ass in the main event at this past weekend's MFA show, and has looked mildly acceptable since leaving the UFC after his loss at UFC 65. Since then he's bounced back and forth between Japan and the US while going 5-2 during that stretch.

I think Monson would be a good test for Velasquez especially since it seems the UFC likes to test their up and comers against veterans in the heavyweight division. Remember last August when Brock Lesnar was supposed to face Mark Coleman? He was also making his return to the UFC, but now that's happening against "Shogun" Rua at 205. Velasquez is an accomplished wrestler, but his stand-up is terrifying and I mean that in a "don't stand with him" kind of way. Monson prefers standing I believe, but takedowns plus ground and pound also make him warm and fuzzy inside. Either way, with a thin pool of top talent at heavyweight, Cain Velasquez may only be one or two wins away from a shot at the gold. I've seen theorizing since the day Brock Lesnar signed with the UFC that a Lesnar vs. Velasquez fight would be epic. The key for that fight now is to build Cain Velasquez in the eyes of the casual fans and build him up quickly. If he does get a fight with Monson, and dispatches him, the next logical fight would be against the loser from Mir vs. Big Nog. One of my main wishes for 2009 is that the heavyweight division gains a bit more depth, but that's hard to do when guys get released following a heinous KO (Hi Fabricio!) Also, don't forget about Shane Carwin and Junior Dos Santos. I think that's the whole division actually.

Cain and Bader are tight like brothers. Just ask him!


THE OCTAGON: CHUCK NORRIS FIGHTING NINJAS


While surfing around Amazon.com looking for that new UFC book, I stumbled across a film that I never knew existed. "The Octagon" is a Chuck Norris film from the early 1980's and it needs to be remade right now with a standard Norris cameo. They're remaking everything else these days! Here's the synopsis from another website, Tower.com.

When a rich woman realizes that she is the target of an assassination by a ruthless band of Asian revolutionaries, she asks a revered karate expert to wipe them out for her. The black belt accepts the assignment after he learns that his former classmate (and hated rival) is the ringleader of the killers. The martial arts master pursues his enemies to the octagonal-shaped room where they spar -- and soon he's deep in blood and violence, fighting for his life.

Not exactly a creatively groundbreaking plot, but the title drew me in. The best part is they don't even fight inside an octagon. The "Octagon" is the name of the group of ninja assassins that Chuck Norris is fighting against. One of the reviews at Amazon lists this as Chuck's top grossing film ever and I have no reason to doubt that. Amazon.com reviews are all well researched and fact checked right? Either way, if any fans of the Verbal Submission are looking for gift ideas for ME this holiday season, feel free to send me a copy of this movie.

The trailer for this tender piece of awesomeness. If you don't buy it for me, I'll just have to get it myself using your mom's credit card.


END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends another bombastic edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to Sherdog.com, MMAJunkie.com, Amazon.com, UFC.com, and YouTube.com. Be sure to check out all the latest MMA coverage here at 411Mania.com from Dustin James, Lambone, TBerg, Morgan "Better than Groucho" Marx, Larry "The" Csonka, and Adam "Fix it with a" Tool. They all know what they're talking about unlike the jerk that writes this column.

One last note, here's what I believe the future of women's MMA will look like in a perfect world. This video is NSFW, but it is safe if you need to explain to your son how life works.


The Empire Hardcore Podcast is trying to stay on track, and you can listen at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out the power of film on YouTube. Also, my friends write things here. I'll be back next Tuesday to preview UFC 92: Ultimate 2008, wax philosophic about the future of midget MMA, and give out my exclusive recipe for bacon wrapped dates (the fruit, not the practice of two people going to dinner and a movie).

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR