Punch Drunk Hangover 12.23.08: Turn Out the Multi-Colored Blinking Lights...
Posted by Bren Oliver on 12.23.2008
...the PDH-party's ovvvvvverrrrrr! Read ahead for the bittersweet conclusion to the "Punch Drunk Hangover" adventure, as its author has sobered up long enough to take the next of twelve steps towards MMA-media domination. Re-live a few memorable Hangover moments, view a few of his favorite "Moments of Zen", and raise your glass to the Holidays one last time with Bren Oliver!
In the past I would typically fill this opening space with my standard introduction and a lovely clip of Bas Rutten displaying his ability to obliterate a grown man's gonads with his bare hand. However, this column is far from my usual submission as evident by the day it's been posted on, the format in which I'm writing it, and...oh yeah...the minor detail about it being the final Punch Drunk Hangover. As I alluded to in last week's article, I felt my days were likely numbered as a Monday-morning news reporter based on some internal conflicts at the site, and clearly that's turned out to be the case. Apparently Bas isn't the only one who knows how to crush cajones! I kid, I kid!
Honestly, I have nothing negative to say about my superiors at 411Mania and am extremely thankful for the opportunities I've received as a result of writing a column here, as well as for the the platform I was provided to express my thoughts on Mixed Martial Arts and life in general. It is also due to the experience I've gained by penning work for our MMA Zone that's in many ways enabled me to couple the sad-panda news about 411Mania being PDH-free from here on out with a second set of announcements meant to hopefully offer some relief to people afraid of losing their Monday fix of MMA-related entertainment and insight. If not, I'm pretty sure the pictures later will...
Starting Monday, December 29th you will be able to check out my work weekly at a place I previously enjoyed frequenting as simply a fan who followed MMA news - Five Ounces of Pain! There will be some obvious differences between "Punch Drunk Hangover" and my new offering at Five Ounces. For example, you can expect a brand spanking new name for the column...and for its author?!? When I set out writing online eighteen months ago I thought it would be clever to come up with a pen-name. Shep Shepard was already taken so I went with a shortened version of reality. However, the decision quickly turned out to be a bad one, as I found myself having to constantly explain the situation to people and it even became more difficult to take credit for my own work. Truth is, my name is Brendhan Oliver Conlan...and I'm a MMA-aholic! With the prospects created by my new outlet I thought it was important to let the "Oliver" out of the bag. I hope you'll check my new stuff at 5 Oz. but please make sure you stick around these parts as well, because 411Mania has a plethora of talented writers who bring the goods on a daily basis. As you likely noticed, "Cardio Freak" has filled the Monday "news report" slot and Lambert always provides an excellent read. I know I'll certainly be lurking 'round these parts at the start of every work-week. Again, I can say nothing bad about 411Mania other than I'm still pissed about not yet receiving my commemorative John Curry bobblehead doll. Get on it Damon Lau!!!
Moving forward, in coordination with the Yuletide season I'm going to be a bit Dickensian in this swan song of a column by referencing one of his greatest works, "A Christmas Carol", by raising the ghosts of PDH's past, present, and future. I'll be touching on the many highlights (and occasional lowlights) from my column's run at 411Mania, bringing you MMA-themed Christmas songs for any cage-loving carolers, giving you an "exclusive" look at a few MMA stars' holiday wish-lists, and posting a few of my favorite pictures and videos, plus a bonus item or two to take you into the 2009 with a smile on your face like you're been serenaded by Whoville on Christmas morning. Speaking of melodic interpretation, let's set the mood with a few jingles that will surely have your neighbors raising their eyebrows if you decide to test these jingles out Wednesday night...
----
"Fedor the Red-Nosed Russian"
You know Coleman and Cro Cop,
Nogueira and Fujita,
Overeem and Barnett,
Hunt and Yoshida.
But do you recall,
The most famous PRIDE fighter of all?
Fedor the Red-Nosed Russian, "Russian!"
Had a very pronounced nose. "Like a potato!"
And if you ever jabbed it, "Jabbed it!"
It would even start to glow. "Like a light bulb!"
All of the other fighters, "Fighters!"
Knew he'd beat them easily. "Like Tim Sylvia!"
So Dana White never let poor Fedor, "Fedor!"
Dominate the UFC. "Poor Randy!"
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Vladim came to say,
Fedor with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide M-1 tonight?
Then all the other fighters loved him, "Loved him!"
And they shouted out with glee, "Yippee!"
"We're safe from Fedor the Red-Nosed Russian,
Because of a no-crosspromoting policy!"
"Twas the Night Before Christmas"
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the UFC Training Center,
Not a creature was stirring, not even the once-beautiful Jenna.
The five-ounce gloves were all hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that future TUF champions soon would train there.
Dana White was all nestled snug in his cash-laden bed,
While visions of world domination danced in his head.
And Arianny in her Spandex, and I in my TapOut cap,
Had just settled in for a three-minutes of fun and then a long Winter's nap,
When out in the parking lot arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the mat to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a knee,
Tripped on the free weights in order to see...
The moon on the crest of the newly paved lot,
Gave the luster of mid-day to the clothes I wore not.
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than a flash knockout his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONNER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the Center, to the top of the wall!
Do so and don't put your mugs on me or I'll kill you, so dash away all!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nick Diaz came with a bound.
He was dressed all in Affliction, from his head to his foot,
His clothes were all stenciled with cool skulls and the color of soot;
A bundle of merchandise he had flung on his back,
And he looked like an arena vendor carrying gear in his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled, he almost looked merry,
Except for cuts on his face and his peepers being red as a cherry!
His mouth, instead of frowning, was drawn up like a bow,
And the scar tissue on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a one-hitter he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a mean face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
His cheeks were bruised and plump, a right swollen old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
The threat of a sai and a twist of his head,
Soon turned my cheery dispositin to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned, and said, "Jerk!"
Raising a finger aside of his nose,
He flicked me off, then up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"YOU BETTER HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS OR I'LL POP YOU WITH A GOOD RIGHT!"
"Let It Go"
Yes, the UK judging was quite frightful,
Leaving Matt Hamill feeling spiteful,
But even if the decision did blow,
Let it go, let it go, let it go...
The complaining became non-stopping,
With Bisping's weight a-dropping;
But since the odds of a rematch are zero,
Let it go, let it go, let it go...
When will some fans finally see the light,
Does their hate really keep them that warm?
The refs usually get things right,
Bad decisions are not the norm.
So instead of all that sighing,
Move on, because no matter how loud you're crying,
Against Hamill, Bisping is still 1-0, so,
Let it go, let it go, let it go....
----
It's hard to believe I've been with 411Mania for nearly two years. I'm less-than-confident in the possibility anyone reading these lines has been here since the beginning, but if so, I appreciate you sticking around this long and I'm sorry I can't help pay for the therapist bills you've no doubt racked up as the result of being exposed to my work for nearly two years! My material has definitely evolved over my stint here, with submissions featuring some moments I'm quite proud of and other items as regrettable as the Detroit Lions' hire of Matt Millen as GM. In this section I'm going to take a look back at both columns - my "wins" and "losses" if you will - so settle in to your seat for a brief stroll down mammory memory lane...
The very first "Punch Drunk Love" was posted on March 29th, 2007. I originally started out attempting to write Monday and Tuesday pieces where PDL was the news report and "Punch Drunk Hangover" was a follow-up article meant to feature e-mail questions/comments and my response to them. In that inaugural "Punch Drunk Love", I went on to explain my motivation for picking the name I did and what Mixed Martial Arts meant to me...
"The term "punch drunk" refers to the dazed state of an individual as the result of some sort of bombardment. Its origin stems from the once proud sport of boxing where it was coined to describe fighters who seemed to be left befuddled in the ring as a result of their opponents' repeated strikes, thus giving the appearance of severe intoxication or being "drunk". It has since gone on to describe everything ranging from one bewitched with love for another to an actual neurological condition. Somewhere in between the two is where this column begins.
Let me first thank you for taking some time out of your day to read my inaugural MMA-based article on 411Mania. I hope it can be the first of many, but every journey begins with an initial step so I appreciate your willingness to take it alongside me. PDL is not the result of having been struck with Cupid's Arrow, nor do I suffer from any traumatic brain disorders (though some may disagree with the latter). I deal with sickness of a pugilistic nature, an illness with a placebo only a Gogoplata away. Tap twice and call me in the morning.
In the timeline of history it wasn't long ago I caught my first glimpse of Mixed Martial Arts. Then again, given the sport's rapid evolution over the past few years, it was a bygone era when a friend introduced me to a new sport called "Ultimate Fighting". The bastard knocked me out in fifteen seconds flat!!!
In all seriousness, I was captivated by what I perceived to be akin to a real life kung fu movie, except this one starred an unknown hero whose name started with an "R" pronounced like an "H". As I grew older I followed the sport whenever possible, but it often got lost in the shuffle of Indian Casinos, infrequent Pay Per Views, and the public's burial of what the media termed "human cockfighting". It was as if I was Kevin Randleman; one second ready to bear witness to caged fury, the next tripping over backstage equipment and stumbling out of the UFC's spotlight.
Then a funny thing happened. I saw a grown man spank another grown man. "UFC 44: Undisputed" was a great card with memorable fights, but few moments are more infamous in the MMA lexicon than Randy Couture adding a few smacks to Tito Ortiz's backside during their Octagonal encounter. The "Bad Boy" had been disciplined and was eventually sent home with a loss.
It was a card featuring some of the UFC's biggest stars currently, such as Rich Franklin, Andre Arlovski, Tim Sylvia, and even the current #1 Contender for the Lightweight Championship, Hermes Franca. Perhaps it was no wonder I found myself hooked again.
Like many of you, my education in Mixed Martial Arts really began with the Ultimate Fighter Season One. I went from only seeing two fighters wrestling on the mat to understanding what "guard", "side control", "sprawl", and "full mount" were. I discovered the artistry of a applying a choke, the science of submitting an opponent, and the beauty of the battles within the battle such as leverage, positioning, patience, and will power. That journey has now brought me here, to 411Mania, with "Punch Drunk Love", as I have been living in the daze of Mixed Martial Arts for quite some time now."
It was also a forum where I posted a public letter to Dana White (as though the UFC President would ever read it) where I ranted on topics ranging from the UFC's public image and the need to bring back Rachelle Leah back as a ring-girl. I then planned to open it up to readers to write in, allowing people a means to let others know what they thought about the current state of the Zuffa-run promotion. Unfortunately, I overestimated fans' interest in writing in or even reading 411Mania's brand new MMA Zone, and never got a response from anyone. And, similarly, I wasn't getting any feedback for the Hangover either to the point I actually had to make up a few comments. It's an embarassing admission but true nonetheless.
The failure to bring in others' opinions was a reality check and made me realize I needed to change things up. I decided to take a shot at contacting fighters who might be interested in doing interviews and was lucky enough to land Mike Swick and Jon Fitch, and Cole Miller. Still feeling like a relative "noob" in the MMA media, I was impressed all three were so accommodating, and it gave me some confidence to attempt the same with other fighters/MMA-personalities as time went on. Still, I'll never forget one response Fitch had to a question, and it remains perhaps my favorite answer of all time...
"411: Hottest Jennifer: Lopez, Love-Hewitt, or Aniston?
Fitch: Lopez, gotta go with the big ass!"
In addition, I wrote two columns I consider to be among my best, neither of which was a news report. One broke down my contempt for mainstream media's love/hate realtionship with steroids on the heels of Franca/Sherk both testing positive for performance enhancing drugs ("Eight Sides of a Story"), while the other attempted to make a case that Randy Couture was the MMA icon above all others after coming out of retirement to beat Tim Sylvia for the UFC Heavyweight Championship ("Super-Natural"). I also made the decision to switch formats, as the one I'd previously been using wasn't working, and came up with the idea to write the "Punch Drunk Hangover" on Mondays as a relief for any heads left throbbing from the weekend who were stuck killing time at work or trying to avoid homework. However, I wasn't done shooting myself in the foot yet, as the early "Your News, My Brews" PDHs ushered in the short, semi-traumatic era of "Bobby Fabulous".
"Bobby Fabulous" was a concept I came up with as a means of entertaining myself and, in the process, hopefully making readers laugh. The character was supposed to be a mix of Perez Hilton, TMZ, and Damon Wayans' movie-review character from "In Living Color", but with the spin clearly being that the gossip/news/opinion involved Mixed Martial Arts. Every week's Hangover featured a few "Bobby Fabulous" items that ranged from ridiculous to far-fetched...
----
"Paris Hilton Cause of Staph Infection at Miletich Camp?"
How emb-heiress-ing! Sources close to the Miletich camp have given 411Mania exclusive information relating to the outbreak of Staph Infection at the Iowa-based training ground. It is believed the condition, which has recently sidelined MFS fighters Spencer Fisher, Tim Sylvia, and Drew McFedries, is the result of Paris Hilton touring the facilities in mid-July. She is stated to have rolled around on the mats for "undisclosed reasons" and thereby transferred a multitude of diseases onto them.
If there's one thing I hate, it's "staff" infections! But seriously, it's a shame anyone should suffer at the hands, and germs, of Paris. I remember this summer's eve I went out for mojitos with Andy Dick and we saw her at a trendy spot in downtown Los Angeles, Le Douchex. Rumor has it that the place got closed down the next day by the California State Health Department. Back to MMA, I hear McFedries may miss half a year, if not longer, to recover from a huge amount of his leg being removed, though there's hope they may be able to patch the "football sized" chunk up using a small portion of Matt Hughes' ego."
" From Betty Crocker's Five-Steps to Betty Ford's Twelve Steps?"
Lindsay Lo is about to have company! A source close to a MMA training camp has told me Ultimate Fighter 5 competitor Gabe Ruediger will be checking into rehabilition for an addiction to the dark stuff. No, not black tar heroin...we're talking Black Forest Cake. Concern over his condition arose last week when a pronounced potbelly had begun to creep from behind the curtain of his favorite T-Shirt. It was compounded last Saturday night when Ruediger led bicycle police on a footrace through the streets of Southern California. He was detained and stated to have a "glazed look" in his eyes, rumored to be the result of a sugar-eating binge earlier in the day. Cameraphone reports have him muttering a phrase that sounds like "Yellow Dye Number Five...Yellow Dye Number Five..." over and over.
I hate to end with a sad bit of news but apparently everyone's favorite nude sunbather has fallen off the wagon...the Chuck Wagon that is. I hate to see such talent wasted away on nothing more than a high fructose fix. Let us all hope Ruediger finds the help he needs. I believe a steady diet of cigarettes, black coffee, and lettuce leaves will get him back into the shape we all want to see him in. It worked for me!"
"Float like a Butterfly, Sting like a Beehive"
Good news on the horizon for fans of womens' Mixed Martial Arts. An anonymous source has revealed to me that Amy Winehouse has signed a three-fight deal with EliteXC. The paperwork was completed when everyone's favorite imported trainwreck mistook the name "Gina Carano" for "Gin-n-Tonic" and quickly penned her Jane Hancock. Winehouse is believed to have an incredible endurance for pain and fights in a "Drunken Boxing" style. She is set to make her debut in 2008, fighting in either Hawaii, Japan, the UK, or essentially anywhere with an athletic commission that doesn't test for drugs."
----
Yeah...that lasted about a month. I decided to tone the humor down some and increase the actual insight/opinion on MMA. That led to the modern "Punch Drunk Hangover" anyone still awake at this point reading this column is likely more familiar with featuring a breakdown of news items and commentary on a few quotes from the previous week. It had taken six months but I was finally at a point I was ready to build a foundation on. I was able to interview other names asscoiated with Mixed Martial Arts, even landing Mark Cuban who delivered the following dandy...
"411: You once took an "RKO" from WWE Superstar Randy Orton at the 2003 Survivor Series. Have you fully recovered from the impact?
Cuban: You never really recover from a 6'5 guy in a speedo sneaking up behind you and taking you out... "
A few months later I added the "Monday Morning Moment of Zen" which allowed me to share videos I found interesting, or thought readers would enjoy, and that happened to also be related to Mixed Martial Arts. I tried to keep things fairly diverse, meaning purusers were as likely to find footage of Jake Shields vs. Jon Fitch in a grappling tournament as they would be to find Arianny Celeste singing to her webcam as they would be to find Fedor Emelianenko's debut in this sport we so love. It is at this point I'm going to close out this final PDH offering with items I could see on a few MMA personalities' Christmas lists, plus a couple of my favorite clips and pictures from PDH's past (as well as a one or two new ones).
Thank you for enduring this wordy curtain-call! I appreciate your readership and look forward to hopefully hearing from you in the Five Ounces of Pain comments' section. As I've alway maintained, whether you enjoy my insight on MMA or think I'm a complete douchebag, I'm proud I've at least elicited a reaction, and if I ever was able to give you a new perspective on something, put a smile on your face, or at minimum make a Monday pass by a little more smoothly, then I can only say "Mission Accomplished"! Happy Holidays to all!
----
All I want for Christmas is...
"...my two front teeth." - Dan Henderson
"...to get the taste of Andrei Alrovski's 'pee-pee' out of my mouth." - Tim Sylvia
"...a new 'bleep' button." - Spike TV's TUF Editors
"...to know what year it is." - Yoshiyuki Yoshida
"...for Quinton Jackson to win at UFC 92." - The City Newport Beach, California
"...to not get Zulu'd by Fedor Emelianenko." - Andrei Arlovski
"...the banning of nipple-twists in the Octagon." - BJ Penn / Forrest Griffin
"...for New York to legalize MMA." - Dana White
"...Frank Murr's head on a platter." - Brock Lesnar
"...a time-machine." - Chuck Liddell
----
Matt Serra vs. Takanori Gomi - ADCC Submission Grappling Tournament
Matt Hughes vs. Tito Ortiz - ADCC Submission Grappling Tournament
Fedor Emelianenko vs. Kevin Randleman - PRIDE
Mark Kerr vs. Josh Barnett - ADCC Submission Grappling Tournament
Arianny Celeste doing a little swimsuit-shopping...
Memories, light the corners of my mind...
Misty water-colored memories, of the way we were.
Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind...
Smiles we gave to one another, for the way we were.
