The Verbal Submission 01.13.09: Huerta's Adios, Fedor Rings in 2009, UFC 93 Preview, The Kimbo Machine, More
Posted by Chris Robinson on 01.13.2009
This past week was chocked full of MMA news! UFC 93 is coming to us from the Land of the Rising Potatoes. Roger Huerta is off to Hollywood to chase after hopes and dreams. Fedor travels to Mordor with Elijah Wood. Kimbo Slice has his very own boxing machine that you can buy with real money. I swear to you. I'm not making any of this up. OK, maybe the Elijah Wood thing, but you never know with that Fedor! He's crafty.
From a sad, sad Jersey Shore following a Giants loss, it's "The Verbal Submission" and I am the never duplicated, often humiliated, Chris Robinson. Who knew Plaxico meant so much to the Giants? I DID. Oh well, at least I have Yankees Spring Training to look forward to. This is the column where I talk about every sport except for MMA. Kidding. Today's column comes to you one week before I move into my new apartment, but there's a bit more to discuss this week, so I hope this column doesn't appear thin like last week's. So would you like my thoughts on UFC 93? Of course you would. How about the latest matchmaking exploits of the UFC's Joe Silva? Yeah I'll throw that in there. Plus I give my opinions on Roger Huerta's mind bottling career path, Fedor being given one ring to rule them all, video shenanigans from Dana White and Andre Arlovski, and more! Guess what the more is! Kimbo Slice has a boxing machine! Here we go!
Words can't describe the level of confusion this picture brings me.
ROGER HUERTA: EL STUPIDO
So the biggest news of the week appears to be that UFC lightweight Roger "El Matador" Huerta is leaving the organization after his next fight, which would end his contract. Huerta told MMAJunkie.com that he wants to pursue acting and modeling because if there's one thing Hollywood is missing its young, Latino actors with sick tribal ink. This comes as a bit of a shock to me and a disappointment. Huerta has been one of my favorite fighters since I first saw his 3 round war with Leonard Garcia. After his recent loss to Kenny Florian, I was glad to hear that Huerta had signed a new five fight contract with the UFC, but apparently that report was premature. So how do I feel now?
I get the feeling that Huerta has the same type of people putting these thoughts in his ear that Randy Couture had when he ran off to Hollywood to make the Scorpion King sequel. Basically, Hollywood talent agents are looking for the next crop of B movie action stars and with pro wrestlers currently making C and D level flicks, MMA fighters are ripe for the picking. Now I'm fully aware that Huerta will be in the upcoming Tekken movie, and who knows, maybe he did a phenomenal job in that film. Maybe he has a bright future as an action star or as an actor in general. More power to him!
My problem lies in the fact that if he thought it was difficult to make it to the UFC then he is in for a real shit storm when he enters the acting game. I could see the modeling thing working for him (I could see starting a bromance with him), but every wannabe lists modeling as a safe alternative in case that Pop Tarts commercial doesn't pan out. The bottom line is I feel that Roger should stick with the UFC and make as much money as he can while the sport is on an upswing. He's only 25, so in 5 years I doubt his looks will recede and he might even be able to squeeze in an acting class or two. It also wouldn't hurt to up his name value with a world title or two. Randy Couture is a multi-time world champion and his big break was a role in a film that couldn't get its previous star to return (The Rock is too great for sequels!). Granted, Couture will be starring in a new film with Sly Stallone, but how many lines do you think he'll have? Honestly?
I wish Huerta the best of luck. It's a shame we'll never get to see him match-up with anymore of the lightweight division's best. No match-ups against Joe Stevenson, Sean Sherk, Diego Sanchez, or even a rematch with Clay Guida. Adios El Matador. Don't let them talk you into anything starring Carlos Mencia or George Lopez. It's a trap.
Why must he hurt those he loves?
FEDOR SAYS KISS THE RING. KISS IT!
Well it's official. Fedor Emelianenko has won the Super Bowl of MMA!!! Wooo!!! Look it's Janet Jackson's nipple!!! Yeah! That reference isn't outdated at all!!!
The day before Affliction gives us a Day of Reckoning; Fedor will be presented with a big shiny WAMMA ring to go with his big shiny WAMMA belt. You can also get your own WAMMA ring by mailing 75 UPC's from the back of Cracker Jack boxes, Diet Dr. Pepper cans, or Lay's Potato Chips. Seriously is anyone excited for the ring presentation ceremony? The guy already has a belt. Your lightweight champion doesn't even have a belt. So you thought it was a good idea to run out to Tiffany's and buy him a custom made ring? I seriously think the second he puts on that ring that Fedor is legally married to WAMMA COO Michael Lynch. Legally married in the state of California.
I'm also hoping that they give a ring to Fedor's brother Aleksander so they can finally utilize their Wonder Twins powers. Tired of rings jokes yet? After the ring, if Fedor can defeat Andre Arlovski, Fedor will be presented with the WAMMA Chalice of Excellence, the WAMMA Gold Chain of Glory, and a designer pair of diamond encrusted WAMMA sunglasses. These items will officially make Fedor the Flava Flave of MMA, and the circle of life will be complete. Does Andre get the ring if he wins? Do you care?
Don't look at my ass. Are you looking at my ass? I will break you.
PUNCH LIKE KIMBO! YAY?
According to the fine folks at CagePotato.com, Kimbo Slice has his own "Team Kimbo Boxing Machine" available for purchase from PrimeTime Amusements. That's right kids! Now you can pump quarters into a machine endorsed by Kevin Ferguson himself, and learn to punch like the master. No more getting into brawls in your neighbor's backyard, or filling a balloon with nickels and jabbing at it until your knuckles bleed! This item is great for that bar owner with no idea who Kimbo Slice is and an empty corner where that Simpson's Pinball Machine failed to bring any profit at all.
Seriously who runs Primetime Amusements? Better question. How much money did they shell out to Kimbo for likeness rights before he got knocked out in front of millions of people? Those PrimeTime Amusements contracts must be iron clad! Unfortunately there's no price listed as you have to contact the company to discuss purchasing this must have item. Although, judging by a similar item on the site, I'm guessing you're going to be parting with around $5,300. Hell, for that much money, you could probably get Kimbo to stand in your basement for a few hours and let your friends take their best shot.
I shouldn't make fun though. It's hard out there for EliteXC fighters as the retards at ProElite continue to forget how human emotions work. Hey fellas! The economy is in the toilet and not all your fighters were bright enough to sign non-exclusive contracts. Granted, there are other sources of income like our little Kimbo boxing machine here. Not all your fighters can sign sweet endorsement deals to keep them afloat though. I'm sure Gina Carano could make some sweet scratch if she sold her likeness to an inflatable doll company, but who would buy that? (Raise your hand)
The small print reads "Do not use this machine if you've recently dyed your hair pink, or have single handedly ruined a mixed martial arts promotion."
UFC 93: WINNER GETS BISPING (PLEASE!)
UFC 93 comes to us from Dublin, Ireland and features a double main event featuring four former world champions. They all held titles right? I don't have time to verify that. They did? OK, good.
MARCUS DAVIS VS. CHRIS LYTLE
In the battle of two guys who both beat Pauls in England, Marcus Davis and Chris Lytle are set to go to war in Ireland. Didn't Davis call Lytle out after his fight? All I know is, after Lytle's face turned into shape shifting goo I developed a new respect for him. Davis always delivers a solid fight, and this match-up should be no different. Davis was considered at one point to be close to a title shot at 170, but his loss to Mike Swick derailed that dream. Now he's looking for his second win in a row since that loss, and Chris Lytle is the perfect opponent for him. These two are going to stand and BANG. I'm already predicting this could be Fight of the Night. There's not much more to be said about this battle. I'm going with Davis by 3rd round TKO.
Sherdog named it one of the best pics of 2008 and deservedly so. GOOD LORD!
ROUSIMAR PALHARES VS. JEREMY HORN
Who doesn't love a guy nicknamed Gumby? Jeremy Horn returns to the Octagon after dropping his last two fights. According to UFC.com, Horn has 732 professional fights. Kidding. Seriously though, the guy made his pro debut in 1996. Palhares came into the UFC with a lot of tout behind him. (How does someone acquire tout exactly?) His loss to Dan Henderson set him back, but he could still be a force at 185. Both these guys like to go for submission, so I expect this one to turn into a ground battle. I'm sure the UFC might like to see Horn win and then match him up with Chael Sonnen down the line. Horn has beaten Sonnen 3 times. It's just like Silva vs. Jackson only less exciting and no one would really care! I tend to ramble when I don't care about a fight that much. Horn by decision.
So according to the shirt, his arms are made of stick and stones? I'm not following.
ALAN BELCHER VS. DENIS KANG
Next up is UFC newcomer Denis Kang taking on middleweight stalwart, Alan Belcher. Kang comes into the UFC with a lot of promise and hype as the Korean Canadian made his mark on PRIDE's Bushido shows, and at several SpiritMC events. He likes fighting in Japan folks. Loves sushi. I've scanned the various message boards out there to get a feel of how hardcore fans feel about him, and it seems the reactions are mixed. Some aren't impressed. Some think he'll be facing Anderson Silva in a year. I watched several of his fights on the interweb and he is somewhat impressive, but I'm not sure what sort of impact he'll have on the division. He is training with GSP now, so that has to help. He also has a very well rounded background with judo, tae kwon do, and wrestling skills. I think Belcher is a formidable test for Kang to judge where he'll fit in the middleweight division. Belcher is well rounded (according to UFC.com) but he has a nasty habit of getting submitted. I'm going to predict Kang takes this one by decision.
Mousasi absolutely owns Kang here. Watch out for that triangle!
Two PRIDE veterans square off in the Octagon as UFC Hall of Famer Mark "The Hammer" Coleman takes on Mauricio "Shogun" Rua at 205. This is Coleman's first fight in over two years and his first fight in the UFC since 1999. I graduated high school in 1999. That's so upsetting. Anyway, Rua and Coleman fought back at PRIDE 31 and Coleman broke Rua's arm. Good times! So this is a revenge match of sorts. Coleman was originally scheduled to take on Brock Lesnar last year, but an injury sidelined that, and now Coleman is fighting at light heavyweight. Weird? Shogun is bouncing back from an injury as well and a loss to former 205 king Forrest Griffin. Shogun was scheduled to face off with Chuck Liddell, but that fight never materialized. So here we are! Shogun wants to regain some of the luster he lost in his loss to Griffin, and Coleman should just be happy to still be fighting at age 44. Some message boards are asking "Which Shogun will show up?" What is he Paulo Filho or something? What's in the water in Brazil these days? I just hope this fight is competitive and neither fighter tarnishes their image any further. I'm going with Shogun in this one by TKO in the second round.
"I don't much care for you." "I don't much care for YOU!"
It's two of the greatest middleweights of all time squaring off at 205 for the right to face Michael Bisping at 185. Who books this stuff? Franklin is coming off a big win over Matt Hamill and Henderson is coming off a win over Rousimar Palhares. You might remember him from a previous paragraph. In recent interviews, Henderson is predicting this will be a technical fight that will probably go the distance. Franklin is predicting he'll win and then mope through Season 9 of TUF. Everybody wins!
This should be a classic match-up, but it doesn't have the same sense of enthusiasm behind it as other battles between former champions. On one hand you have Henderson, a guy that lost both title unification matches once he arrived in the UFC. Then you have Franklin, a guy that just can't beat Anderson Silva. So instead of treading water at 185, they move up to 205, only to be forced back down to 185 in a few months. Anyone ever fantasize about Franklin vs. Liddell? Just me? I think Hendo is dead on with his "technical fight" prediction, but I could also see it turning into a brawl if someone gets desperate. I generally just hope this match exceeds the low expectations it currently has. I'm going with Franklin by decision.
That's right Jorge. Show them Dan Henderson's chances against Franklin using your fingers in a non-penis related measurement pose.
DANA WHITE: VLOGGING IN THE U.K.
If you haven't become a fan of Dana White's video blogs yet, then you are a stubborn person. While they don't always offer any exciting news nuggets, they are generally entertaining and absurd. In Episode 1 of Dana's Irish Escapades, White and Co. are actually in NYC to answer the age old question of who's faster, car or man. Look for Dana White's next project to be some sort of man vs. machine competition. It'll be a gold mine! We end Episode 1 by asking Michael Bisping his predictions for the main event and surprisingly enough he picks Rich Franklin as the winner, but says he'd rather face Dan Henderson because of Hendo's PRIDE accomplishments.
Episode 2 kicks off with Dana White decrying Turkish pizza as an abhorrent food stuff. Then it's off to the TUF elimination fights with Dan Henderson and Rich Franklin. Dana then threatens to vomit in a van while playing Guitar Hero on his iPhone. What a life! Franklin joins in the Guitar Hero fun on the way back to Ireland while sitting next to Dan Henderson. It has to be weird for Hendo and Ace to be sitting next to each other just days before a fight. I know they're professionals, but still.
Here's Episode 2 for those that missed it. If you want Episode 1, find it yo' damn self!
ARLOVSKI 360: THE LORETTA HUNT STORY
Ever wonder how Loretta Hunt feels about Andre Arlovski? Well I'll tell you. She loves his sweet, sweet boxing skills. Mmm hmm. Episode 3 of Arlovski 360 is probably the best episode of the web series to date. The focus is mainly on Arlovski's boxing skills and features comments from Affliction's Tom Atencio, Andre's coaches, and the wonderful Loretta Hunt. Hunt relays a story about Andre and Randy Couture boxing together in Vegas before Couture vs. Liddell 3.
This episode almost felt like the last two were building up to it. We had virtually no Andre talk time, but all the opinions on him painted him as a well rounded, humble fighter. Andre's manager and lawyer joined in on the fun as well to proclaim that Andre doesn't fear Fedor. Apparently, that's why all those other guys lost to Fedor. PURE FEAR. I'm not sure how accurate that is, but when you go into a fight unsure of how to win, fear will bite you on the ass and choke you out. Isn't that right, Tim Sylvia? Next week's episode is titled "The Entourage". I'm hoping it's just Andre sitting in front of his TV for 6 minutes laughing at the show "Entourage", eating raisins, and stroking a small dog. Who wouldn't watch that?
Imagine if Couture fought Arlovski in 2009. That would sell some $50 T-shirts.
FIGHTS THAT WILL HAPPEN SOON YES!
Alright, I've already rambled on for almost 3,000 words according to Word Count, so I'm going to an abbreviated version of this section. In other words, I'll tell you what fights are coming up and then give a mildly offensive two sentences or less about the fight. Saddle up!
TUF 8 light heavyweight champ and Arizona Combat Sports fighter Ryan Bader returns at Fight Night 18 in April and his opponent is Carmelo Marrero. Marrero has fights against Cheick Kongo and Gabriel Gonzaga, and he's 1-1 in those bouts. Bader is good.
We all know how well those former IFL guys do in the UFC. Top notch!
Matt Hamill returns at UFC 96 to face WEC alumni Mark Munoz. A deaf guy is fighting a Hispanic gentleman.
Surely he heard the screams when this broad walked in the room. I mean, you can only be so deaf, right?
Keith Jardine is fighting Luis Cane at UFC 97. Cane's only loss was via DQ at UFC 79. Keith Jardine only wins when he tweeks his nipples.
This picture, much like these women, has been used before.
Junie Browning returns to the UFC at Fight Night 18 to face TUF 5 alumni Cole Miller. Miller's last victory came over Strikeforce's newest lightweight, Jorge Gurgel. Junie Browning is an alleged retard.
Proud papa.
After speculating about this fight for the better part of 18 months, Matt Serra and Matt Hughes might finally step into the Octagon against each other in May. The winner must change his name to Door Matt. One of the previous two statements is true.
Matt Hughes, five Hooters girls, and the girl that folded all those t-shirts on the far left.
Last and definitely least, Bobby Lashley's opponent at the upcoming half boxing/half MMA PFC card will be Mike Hayes. Wrestling fans can insert your own Michael P.S. Hayes jokes here. Hayes is 4-0.
Lashley cross training with um……Flamenco dancers? Whatever works.
END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends the "my life is in boxes" edition of "The Verbal Submission. Thanks to Sherdog.com, MMAJunkie.com, UFC.com, CagePotato.com, and YouTube.com. Make sure to put your racial differences aside and check out all the latest MMA coverage here at 411Mania. There are some damn fine writers here. Damn fine!
Here's two gals showcasing an arm bar. For a brief moment, the one girl appears nude, but I assure you she's wearing a pink bra. It's just low quality video. Enjoy!
The Empire Hardcore Podcast will return after I finish moving, but check out past episodes at Podomatic.com and on iTunes. Be sure to check out my web comedy on YouTube. Also, I'm on twitter here. I'll be back next Tuesday to review UFC 93, get real excited about UFC 94, and finish prematurely about UFC 95.
After weeks of great columns, you take a BIG step Back this week...
Shame. Hopefully your bad column (Like all the lame jokes in the wrestling section) is just a 1 shot deal and you will return to form next week.
Posted By: Guest#8922 (Guest) on January 13, 2009 at 08:28 AM
I love how the annoymous Guests come on here and bash peoples columns. Write your own column, see if anyone reads it.
Thought it was a great column, can't wait to see Fedor drinking outta the WAMMA Chalice of Excellence.
Good one
Posted By: stroke (Guest) on January 13, 2009 at 01:42 PM
I just wanna say I look forward to your column every week, that might not say much for my life...but either way you are the best column by far, love it, keep up the good work!
Posted By: Dean (Guest) on January 13, 2009 at 02:23 PM
