The Verbal Submission 02.17.09: Canadian Rules, Weight Cuts, and Shamrock Fights a Fatty

Posted by Chris Robinson on 02.17.2009

The world of MMA becomes more and more bizarre with each passing week. Canada wants the UFC to do away with elbows and knees. Ken Shamrock is beating men twice his weight. Roy Jones Jr. is promoting MMA shows. What's next? New York approving of MMA? Bas Rutten fighting midgets? Mike Tyson promoting hearing aids? I hope all of those happen, but for now, you might as well as read this column.

The past week in the MMA world left me with quite the list of items to go over in this column. Everything from arrests, failed drug tests, Canadian shenanigans, and weight drops pepper the news boards out there in MMA land. Of course you should be getting all your news and views from the best website on the interweb, 411mania.com. You're not going to find a better group of FANS writing about the sport they love. You might say we're all real gay for MMA, but that would be a horrible thing to say. Also on the docket for today's report, Roy Jones Jr. is getting into the MMA game, BJ Penn doesn't know the difference between an email and a text message, and Ken Shamrock fights a fatty. What the hell is going on? MMA is getting wackier by the minute, and I am loving it. So enough chit chat, let's jump into this thing head first.

After my last fight, I tested positive for three kinds of delicious!!!


SERIOUSLY, F*** CANADA
The biggest news story of the week is the possible relocation of UFC 97, which is set to feature a middleweight title match between Anderson Silva and Thales Leites. Also on the card, a huge match-up at 205 between Chuck Liddell and "Shogun" Rua. It seems as though Canada's make believe athletic commission wants to ban elbow strikes, knees to the face, and wants some sort of knockdown rule. Were these frogs asleep last year when Georges St. Pierre and Matt Serra sold out an arena for their welterweight title match? Aren't they still counting the money from that event? What the crap is a Rejean Theriault? Some sort of cruel joke on my spell check?

Luckily, the Lex Luthor of MMA, Mr. Dana White himself, is en route to Canada to clear up this snafu. We'll stop calling them Freedom Fries! Just let us have our fights here! Some reports on this whole situation suggest that Canadian promotion Strikebox's recent event led the commission down some fairy path of MMA rules with "gentlemen's agreements" and what not. Then former EliteXC punching bag, and well known ear explosion enthusiast, James Thompson, decided to go for a takedown, which was a big no-no for Strikebox. This led to Theriault spitting his croissant half way across the room and yelling out something that sounds like "Sock Ray Blue". No idea what that means.

All kidding aside, doesn't Canada have several small time MMA promotions that run regular shows. Is this just a problem in the Frenchiest section of Canada, Montreal? The fact that this situation even exists is mind bottling when you think of the revenue this event is bringing in, and the fact that there was no problem LAST TIME! You dumb bastards are getting a main event featuring one of the best, if not the best, fighters in the world, PLUS you're getting two of the greatest light heavyweights EVER battling each other. This isn't a Fight Night. This is a big money show. Did New York call you guys and say it was a bad idea? Get your shit together Canada! I apologize to our Canadian fans for any offensive language, but you hosers need to call your congressmen, or prime ministers, or whatever you have there and COMPLAIN!

This is the guy. You see this guy, elbow him in the face for me. Le douchebag.


A CUPCAKE FOR MY DAUGHTER: THE FRANK TRIGG STORY
Several high profile fighters have decided that 2009 is the year that they're putting down the cookies and curtailing the cakes to look slimmer and trimmer in the cage/ring. Middleweight Top 10'er and Kurt Angle Stunt Double, Frank Trigg, has decided after his recent win for the XCF promotion, that fighting at welterweight is next for him. Trigg has become virtually irrelevant in the fight game anyway, so this drop shouldn't affect things too much on a grand scale. One person it will affect is his beloved daughter. According to an interview with MMAjunkie.com, Trigg says the reason he's stayed at middleweight so long is because of his cupcake baking habit, a passion he shares with his daughter. Before I speculate as to whether his daughter is walking around at middleweight, let me say that childhood obesity is a problem. That said, Trigg also went on to say he isn't going to beat any top welterweights, but he'll "give them a run for their money". Funny because I don't think fighting Frank Trigg makes anyone run towards money these days. Whatever happened to Trigg getting involved with pro wrestling? You can eat all the cupcakes in TNA that you want there, Twinkle Toes. I believe you're actually paid in cupcakes with that promotion.

Bet you can't guess his favorite kind of frosting.


Another fighter dropping weight to meet the high demands of something something is former PRIDE Champ, and UFC scrub Wanderlei Silva. Silva is and always will be one of my Top 5 favorite fighters, but his run in the UFC has been sad. It seems Wandy finally sees the light at the end of the tunnel, and to squeeze through he'll start coming in at 185. The UFC middleweight division is finally starting to see some depth to it, and adding the Axe Murderer will only help that. Potential match-ups with Michael Bisping, Chris Leben, Nate Marquardt, etc. will all be worth watching. If Silva turns things around at 185, we might even get a Silva vs. Silva match-up down the road. Let's just hope Dan Henderson doesn't stay at 185 for very long! Another interesting match-up at 185 would be a battle between Rich Franklin and Wandy. Both guys are seeing their careers dwindle down, and a big win would surely keep them afloat a little while longer. I'd love to see that fight go down at UFC 100.

He's cute, no? I'm just saying, I would, how you say, sleep with him? Ha! You like joke, yes?


After a good, LONG run at 185, Amir Sadollah is making the move to 170 to truly maximize his potential. It's a shame though, because after his big wins over..... and who could forget his classic battle with......HE HASN'T FOUGHT SINCE HE WON TUF!!! It's weird that he's dropping down to 170, but who am I to question it? The welterweight division is full of tough competition, and maybe even bigger money fights. I always thought Sadollah looked a little on the lighter side for a middleweight and I guess I was right. If he ever stays healthy enough to fight, maybe we'll finally get to see that Sadollah vs. um, Condit fight we always wanted to see? I got nothing. Good luck Amir! Don't train too hard! Seriously don't train too hard. You're apparently very fragile.

Please somebody take that away from him before he hurts himself.


OH KEN SHAMROCK, THAT IS JUST MORBIDLY OBESE.
You know things aren't going well for the "World's Most Dangerous Man" when he's fighting a near 400 pound guy named "Grizzly" on a show he promoted himself. I mean you don't see Muhammad Ali organizing and competing in his own Murderball events do you? I'd watch that though. For those that like to steer clear of the sadness that is Ken Shamrock's career, Ken took out Ross Clifton with a first round arm bar in 60 seconds flat. Earlier on the card, Tank Abbott picked up a win over Mike Bourke with two blatant punches to the back of the head that weren't called. Jared Shaw was not seen running at the cage and screaming. This sets up a probable showdown between Shamrock and Abbott at a future Wargods event. That's right. The promotion's name is Wargods. The only other fighter on the card you'd probably know is TUF alumni Josh Haynes, who will obviously fight anywhere, anytime, for anyone.

I'm sure Ken still has his fans out there, but after the whole Kimbo Debacle, who is telling this guy he still has a few fights left in him. How about when Abbott and Shamrock finally clash, and God help me I hope the fight lasts under a minute, that the loser be stripped of his license and be forced to retire. Then the winner graciously retires also, and is stripped of his license. I'd much rather Ken stick to promoting these Wargods shows and help build the sport on a local level. Hell, have him become a referee and ref a few matches just to keep his face in the cage. The last thing I want to hear a year from now is "SHAMROCK VS. BUTTERBEAN: FINAL MELTDOWN 2009". Trust me, it could happen.

Please Ken, for the love of Tito, hang up the gloves.


MOVE OVER OSCAR, ROY JONES IS COMING TO PLAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
Former 8 time world champion boxer Roy Jones Jr. is getting into the MMA game with a hybrid boxing/MMA show called "March Badness". Maybe for future events we don't let Jones Jr. name the event himself OK? The MMA side of things isn't too shabby either with the main event being Seth Petruzelli, you remember him, taking on former WEC lightheavyweight champion Doug Marshall. I'm going to go out on a limb and say Marshall is a higher quality opponent than Kimbo Slice. Also on the card is a decent match-up between graffiti artist Jeff Monson and former IFL champ (not a real accomplishment) Roy "Big Country" Nelson.

The card will also feature former WWE superstar turned MMA fighter Bobby Lashley in his second pro fight. No opponent has been named yet, but when he is, I bet he's a nobody. Former UFC'er Din Thomas rounds out the MMA portion against an unnamed opponent also. Jones himself will be boxing Omar Sheika and the whole thing will be on Pay-Per-View. Now normally I would be against this whole boxing/MMA thing, but this show has a "done right" feel to it. Instead of putting on bunch of crappy fights, Jones will headline and there will be one other boxing match, which is good due to the potential length of a boxing match. Then you have several intriguing MMA fights. Over in De La Hoya-ville, his partnership with Affliction is a joke because you know Oscar won't ever appear on a hybrid show. There are only a handful of top name fighters left in boxing to begin with that could draw anything substantial on PPV. I'd love to see The Golden Boy throw himself on the top of a hybrid show and see if the show does well. It probably would do amazing numbers given his built-in audience. Hell, if more casual MMA fans cared about Fedor, you could potentially headline a show with De La Hoya boxing and Fedor fighting. I'm just saying! These ideas are free!

Some may call him cocky, but I call him a pioneer in promoting boxing and MMA.


DRUGS, JAIL, AND RETARDS: THE 411MANIA.COM STORY (KIDDING!)
If the week didn't have enough craziness packed into it, my old buddy Karo Paryisan decided that he could easily compete with 3 different painkillers flowing through his system. He apparently tested positive for hydrocodone, hydromorphone, and oxycodone. What a guy! The best part of the story is that he allegedly told the NSAC that he was on those painkillers before the fight. Um, newsflash for Karo, mumbling something under your breath to a NSAC official during one of your now infamous anxiety filled pre-fight freakouts does NOT count as admitting painkillers are in your system. Sorry to burst your bubble.

I've made it known that I hate Karo, but I'm starting to feel bad for the guy. Here's a guy once considered a sure bet to be in title contention at 170, but over the last year he's lost his shit. The anxiety thing couple with this painkiller problem isn't doing him any favors. It's probably time for him to step away from active competition for a while, and not just because he'll likely be suspended. No fighter who wants to compete on an elite level can possibly do so while suffering from panic attacks. You're just not cut out for fighting Karo, I always knew that, but now you'll have some medical paperwork to go with my opinion. I'm sure he can make a good living as a coach and/or gym owner. As for Karo's recent victory over Dong Hyun Kim, rumor has it the decision will be turned into a No Contest. Congratulations Dong!

Don't cry Karo. It'll be OK.


After my rant on War Machine last week, I really didn't expect him to go out and get arrested at a gay nightclub. I mean of all the things I expected, that was pretty low on the list. According to reports from TMZ.com, security was escorting him out of Krave Nightclub, when War started punching security and yelling "I krave competition! And dudes!!!". Well he did actually punch security, so then the Vegas police came by and arrested his dumb ass. It's even funnier because he was already on probation for a skirmish last year, so his ass is probably going to end up in jail for this one. Congratulations War Machine. Oh by the way, I don't think you can access your Myspace blog in prison, so be sure to let your new cellmates know how you feel about President Obama. I'm sure they'd LOVE to hear your opinions. They'll probably give you a new nickname too, something a little less manly than War Machine, but what can you do.

Here's a pic from Krave Nightclub's Myspace page. Those are some lovely "ladies", aren't they?


Speaking of douchetards, it seems that Junie Browning's brother, Robert Browning is on the new season of The Ultimate Fighter. This confirms that Dana White has gone through with his plan to turn TUF into some sort of Redneck Circus. WTF? According to MMAjunkie.com, Robbie has already been involved with some shenanigans on the show that may or may not have included semen and beer. For any fans of the Brownings, is the weather in Kentucky nice this time of year? Also, wear condoms. I was really hoping that TUF would steer clear of the ratings bullshit that SpikeTV wants included in the show, but I guess the casual fan wants stupid pranks to compliment the actual competition. I know I enjoyed TUF more before urine was a staple of the show, but I guess that's just me. Anyway, I've a got a video of Robbie fighting in the AFL below. Let's just say, he's dumb as balls.

I'll only change my opinion of the Brownings if they start referring to themselves as the Killer Bees, and wear matching bee costumes.


THE REAL UFC VIDEO GAME
I've got to give some props to the fine folks at Heavy.com for this one. Lord knows I love a good spoof. I also love a good 8 bit video game. So these jokers decided to combine the two with this soon-to-be-classic, "Georges St. Pierre's Punch Out!". The only sad part is that this video will be what I always remember Jay Hieron for. Enjoy!

LAST SECOND NEWS
The build-up for Kenny Florian vs. BJ Penn has already begun thanks to the interweb. Late last week, BJ Penn accused Kenny Florian of sending him an email to verify GSP's greasing. Then, BJ retracted that and said it was a text message sent to his brother, which also included steroid allegations. The guys at CagePotato.com were as flabbergasted as I am. I think BJ Penn likes to create some sort of fictional situation to help motivate him to fight somebody. Whatever the case, after his piss poor performance at UFC 94, he needs to do whatever it takes to beat Kenny Florian. KenFlo is coming for you BJ. I'm kind of on the fence as to who I want to win.

Moments after I was about to wrap up writing this very column, the big news about UFC 100 came flashing across my computer monitor. The alleged triple main event is rumored to be GSP vs. Thiago Alves for the welterweight crown, Rashad Evans defending the 205 strap against either Machida or Rampage, and Bisping vs. Henderson. That is a stacked friggin' card. Hopefully they'll take my suggestion and throw Franklin vs. Silva on the card to really cement it as a blockbuster. I'm glad they're not going with the "all titles defended" scenario that was rumored last year. Quality of match-ups is much more important than quantity of match-ups.

I have pretty lady. Now give me title shot.


END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends this rumbling, stumbling, bumbling edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to Sherdog.com, MMAJunkie.com, UFC.com, Heavy.com, CagePotato.com and YouTube.com for all the info, pics, and videos I used. You're all wonderful websites. Not as good as 411Mania.com, but pretty good. For those wondering where my predictions for UFC 95 are, never fear! I will be participating in my second 411Mania.com Round Table this week, so check out my picks there.

You can find me on Twitter here or on Myspace here. I'll be back next Tuesday to review UFC 95, get all excited for WEC: Brown vs. Garcia, take my pants off for Fight Night: Condit vs. Kampann, and fall asleep without cuddling. You're welcome.

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR