The Verbal Submission 03.17.09: IT'S A VIDEO EXPLOSION!!!
Posted by Chris Robinson on 03.17.2009
Join me won't you as I take a look at the week that was in MMA courtesy of web video! I've got prediction videos, web series, interviews, horrible vlogs, and mind boggling commercials. There's everything from Arianny Celeste frying up breakfast to Mark Coleman shaving Wanderlei Silva. Plus, I actually manage to squeeze in some news. That's what it's all about, isn't it? News and Logan Stanton's breasts. I love this sport!
Bored? Me too. I've noticed lately that every Tuesday comes and I write this little old news report, even though the awesome Jeremy Lambert has pretty much covered the same shit in the Cardio Freak News Report. The only difference is I use pictures with unfunny captions and some videos, and you giggle, or curse my name. We've gotten into a nice little groove haven't we? Well I'm going to mix it up a little bit this week. I'm going to try and base the majority of this video on MMA/UFC videos I've found throughout the week. I'll still comment on the major stories which deserve my special brand of skewering because you can't expect me to ignore Ken Shamrock's steroid bust. What are the FU**ING ODDS? And for anyone salivating at the chance to jump down my throat for an ill advised swipe at Mask's death, look elsewhere. I said my piece in the Tribute Column, and I meant it. If you haven't read it, then go read it. Actually, I'm dedicating this column to the spirit of Charles Lewis because I'm arrogant and I just don't give a FUC*. Enjoy!
The last interview Mask did before this tragic demise. R.I.P. Mask.
THE BEST MMA FINISHES OF 2009.....SO FAR!
A big shout out goes to caposa3 on YouTube for his MMA highlight reel video which clocks in at 7:18. The editing is pretty rad, and the music just ties the whole thing together in a nice, neat little package. Seriously if you've missed the first two months of MMA action from Affliction, WEC, or UFC, then play catch up with this video. I'm not sure how he got such high quality video for this compilation (yes I do), but my hat is off to him both as an editor and a fan. What have you people ever done to entertain me? Lousy jerks!
UFC 97: IT AIN'T HERE YET!
It's never too early to start spouting off about upcoming UFC pay-per-views. That's why Canada's own, Emma May, is getting psyched for UFC 97 a month early with her predictions vid. Now before you knuckleheads start mouthing off about her looks, or the hanging action figures, or the star transitions, try to listen to what she has to say! It's awesome that a FEMALE MMA fan is making her opinion heard via the old interweb. She's also on Twitter, so if you enjoy the vid, make sure to comment on it, rate it, subscribe, etc. I want to give the lady the old VerbSub bump, so don't let me down! Seriously, if like three of you watch the video I'll be ecstatic. Plus, the lovely Emma and myself have already discussed doing a collab video down the road after she's super famous, and I'm still a terrible nobody.
NO BUTTER IN THIS HOUSE!
Do you like Arianny Celeste? Do you enjoy her buttocks? Do you enjoy pancakes and turkey bacon? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then this video is for you. Arianny is hysterical in this short video showcasing her ass, and her ability to cook, even though she doesn't do any cooking. You just see the finished product. Personally, I hope she continues to produce these videos because I'm a sucker for pancakes and short shorts. Unfortunately, you have to try real hard to block out the fact that it's probably her boyfriend or some random guy working the camera. After the camera goes off, well, I'll let your imagine wander into your pants. Here's hoping that the other two UFC ring girls jump on the YouTube bandwagon sooner than later. Now it's time for Knitting with Edith!
Speaking of UFC ring girls, here's an exclusive interview from the fine folks at ESPN radio, particularly Steve Cofield. He goes one on one with the lovely Logan Stanton, who is just adorable. Unfortunately, Logan has one of the worst laughs an attractive female can have. It's pretty brutal. She basically just answers the questions thrown at her by Cofield, and tries to ignore the fact that he's constantly saying "you were nobody before this". Duh, Steve! I think she understands that! The best moment is towards the end of the video when Cofield asks her if she's considering a breast augmentation. It's all class over at ESPN radio! I hope she leaves that tight little body just the way it is. I also hope she makes it over to Arianny Celeste's house for breakfast one day, and things get........saucy.
THE SQUEEZE IS WORTH THE JUICE
One week after news seeped into the MMA media that UFC Undisputed 2009 might be shelved, we have the unveiling of the cover art for the game. Everybody's favorite former TUF winner/fomer 205 champ Forrest Griffin gets the nod as cover boy, and IGN.com got an exclusive interview with him. Frankly, Forrest's face is looking a little bit puffy, which makes me wonder if he's finally succumbed to the Botox. Forrest, when will you learn? The always self-deprecating Griffin gives us an update on how he's recovering from his recent surgery, and who he will be facing next. He thinks it's going to be Jardine or Jackson! HA! Seriously though, this interview was taped before UFC 96. We all know that Griffin will be facing superb striker Thiago Silva at UFC 101. At least that's what I read on MMAJunkie. They've never lied to me before! Anyway, check out this interview with the always witty, Forrest Griffin.
...AND HE PAINTS HIS TOENAILS: THE JUNIE BROWNING STORY
Raw Vegas TV caught up with Junie Browning while he was training for his upcoming fight with Cole Miller. He discusses his entrance, his training, and his new relationship with War "Jon Koppenhaver" Machine. The level of douchiness in that training facility must be at critical levels. Junie clues us in on the fact that War is a cool dude that he would hang out with back home. Well folks, armageddon is officially around the corner. Let's just hope these two don't mate. Junie also gives his thoughts on Mask's death, which is appropriate since Junie is sponsored by Tapout. All in all, Junie doesn't come off like a total douchetard. I'd probably be a Junie Browning fan if he hadn't set back MMA a decade while on TUF. No, wait, I don't like rednecks.
It was officially announced this week that Rashad Evans will make his first title defense against Lyoto Machida at UFC 98. Machida should send Keith Jardine a fruit basket or some flowers and thank him for banging Rampage up enough to need time off. Of course, it's been reported that Rampage was nursing injuries well before that fight, but still, it's the thought that counts. The debate is already raging as to whether or not Rashad will be able to handle the elusive, stealthy style of Machida. I'm pretty sure master strategist Greg Jackson will be able to poke some holes in Machida's game. If Rashad can stick to said game plan, which he did against Liddell and Griffin, we may finally be free of all the "what if's" concerning Machida's place as a title contender. In the video below, which is not in English, Machida is shown training with Satoshi Ishii, a man the UFC wants desperately, but can never have! I'm kidding. They've pretty much got him. For those that don't know Ishii, he's a Japanese judoka with a big shiny medal from the Olympics on his mantle. For those that don't know Machida, he's like Chuck Norris without a beard. There is only another fist. Wait? I'm no good at jokes.
KEN SHAMROCK: DEAR GOD WHY
At his age and level of experience, there is no excuse for this. He's a tired, beaten old man, and as I've said before, it's time for him to hang it up. It's absolutely insane to me that he's been busted for steroids. Granted, I didn't want to see Bobby Lashley murder him at March Badness, but I would've much rather he cut himself the day of the fight again and retained some dignity. Now, he'll always be remembered for the long drawn out decline to his career and it will be punctuated with this steroid bust. It's a shame really that he has no one close to him that could've stopped this from happening. You're telling me not one friend, family member, or teammate said, "Hey Ken, maybe steroids aren't a great idea. Maybe this Lashley fight isn't a great idea. Maybe you retiring is a GREAT idea!".
The good old days.
And to top it all off, Bobby Lashley now gets to fight Jason "Hugger Brother" Guida. You remember Jason Guida. He's the guy that couldn't make weight on TUF and was kicked off the show. What a great replacement! I hope Lashley beats him just as quick as he would've throttled Shamrock. Either way, with the deleted Petruzelli/Marshall fight, and this abortion of a main event, March Badness has lost a lot of its luster. Welcome to MMA promoting Roy Jones Jr.!
Roy Jones Jr. says he woulda did that. He woulda.
THE YEAR OF THE MO!
He thanks his mom for beating him as a kid because it helped him develop the toughness needed for MMA. AMAZING! This video is absolutely what more fighters should be doing to help heighten their profiles to the masses. I've been singing the praises of "King Mo" Lawal in this column for awhile now, and it continues. AllElbows.com has started a web series profiling the King as he talks about his training, his coaches, his training partners, and about LIFE! It bares a resemblance to the video series Andre Arlovski produced before his destruction at the hands of Fedor. The big difference is that it seems more focused than Andre's vids. For those who don't follow Sengoku, King Mo headlines their March 20th event against Ryo Kawamura. All hail King Mo!
OK, you know how this works. I'm going to run down news very briefly. Here goes!
Mark Coleman returns to the Octagon against Stephan Bonnar at UFC 100. Both are coming off losses. Both are struggling to remain relevant. Somebody might not have a job after this one.
Jon Fitch returns to the Octagon at UFC 100 to take on Paulo Thiago. Thiago is coming off his impressive TKO over Josh Koscheck. Fitch recently signed his soul over to Dana White. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Kidding. Fitch better be careful in this one. VERY CAREFUL.
Gleison Tibau replaces Efrain Escudero at Fight Night 18 against Jeremy Stephens. Escudero is the latest TUF winner to bow out of his first fight due to injury. Hi Amir! Stephens is coming off a loss to Joe Lauzon, who is out for a year with knee surgery, or neck surgery, or a surgeon general's warning. Tibau rocks balls.
Nate Diaz vs. Joe Stevenson will headline the next TUF Finale. Both are coming off of losses while looking to stay in the hunt at 155. If Diaz defeats Stevenson, it may be time for Joe "Daddy" to think about dropping to 145, if that weight cut is a viable option.
Chris Lytle returns to action at the TUF finale against Kevin "Pokey" Burns. I couldn't care less about this fight.
Jake Shields will face off with Robbie Lawler at the Strikeforce event in May. The bout will be at a catchweight, which means no titles are on the line. Of course, neither guy technically holds a title anymore, although they could, sort of, kind of. Too many commas?
Frightening, yet amazing.
END OF THE THIRD ROUND
That ends the latest thought provoking edition of "The Verbal Submission". Thanks to MMAJunkie.com, YouTube.com, CagePotato.com, BloodyElbow.com and IGN.com. For the latest MMA news, keep your eyes glued to 411Mania. If you want in-depth MMA columns, keep your eyes glued to 411Mania.com. Pretty much don't ever go to any other website besides 411Mania.com, unless you're looking for porn. We don't have porn here.
Be sure to check out my latest video on YouTube here. I'm all excited and retarded over the possibility of some real clowns being cast as Green Lantern. I twitter like whoa here or on Myspace here. I'll be back next week to continue dishing out insults, unappreciated sarcasm, and recipes from Mama Robinson's secret cookbook.
