411’s TNA Impact Report 07.17.08

Greetings, humanity! Don’t worry, Csonkaholics, I have not taken over the Impact recap on a permanent basis, but once again Larry had real-life issues to take care of, so Mr Reliable is here to bring you the skinny on Impact.

Let me apologize in advance if this recap isn’t very good. I’m running on 4 hours of sleep and I have to get up in 4 and a half hours more. Don’t ever think I don’t love you guys…

We get a recap of Victory Road. Needs more X Cup Elimination tag highlights.

Sharmell and Booker arrive in an Escalade with some bling bling on Ebay. Domino, muthafucka! Excuse me. TNA Impact begins…NOW!

PYRO!

Booker T is here in a PIMP leopard-print trench coat, with Sharmell looking boobtastic behind him. Booker proved that Samoa Joe could not beat him. That he is the greatest champion of all time. Jim Cornette is here to stop Booker T from declaring himself anything. He wants the belt so he can give it back to the real champion, Samoa Joe *pop*. He announces a rematch for Hard Justice. Good Lord, Joe is here in a SUIT. By Crom that looks wrong. Booker cuts Joe off and says Joe has been crying all week. Booker tells Joe to take the belt back since Joe knows he can’t beat Booker. Joe refuses, saying he never took a handout from a punk. There’s a CM Punk joke in there somewhere. Booker is in Joe’s head, apparently. I think, although I’m not sure and someone might need to confirm it, that Booker thinks Joe can’t beat him. He may have said it once or twice.

To The Back! Lauren is with Beer Money. Lauren thinks they have to be sore still. Roode says he hasn’t been able to sit down for four days. Neither has Westerfeld. Apparently tonight is Beer Money’s revenge, and they’re going to beat up senior citizens, fans, unicorns, fluffy bunnies and rainbows. Well that should make for riveting viewing.

12 minutes, no match. Commercial.

JB is with Kaz. Kaz admits he let TNA, Jerry Lynn, AJ Styles, Amazing Red, Senshi and Christopher Daniels down. He sees a light at the end of the tunnel, and he wants to know if he should embrace it, or is it a freight train coming his way? Dude, stay away from the bright light. And the crystal meth, but mostly the bright light.

Match 1: Kaz vs Petey Williams – X Division Championship

Rhaka Khan…Do. Not. Want.

Petey goes behind, Kaz backs him to the corner. Whip reversed, Petey runs up the ropes and misses the crossbody. They exchange counters, Kaz with a series of kicks for 2. Big whip by Petey and Kaz to the outside. SLINGSHOT RANA by Petey. He throws Kaz back in, kick, jawbreaker and a knee and Petey is in charge. Snap mare by Petey, another series of counters and a back elbow by Kaz puts him back in control. MORE counters, GREAT cartwheel counter to the Wave of the Future by Petey, Destroyer countered with a back drop. Petey goes for the Destroyer AGAIN, Petey stands up and DROPS Petey in the Jig N Tonic! Holy shit! Rhaka Khan is on the apron to stop the count, Kaz chases, Petey tries to take advantage but eats the Wave of the Future! 1….2…2.91! Wow. Kaz goes for the Flux Capacitor, Petey pushes him off, Kaz with a SICK leaping kick to Petey, who is sitting on the turnbuckle! Up again for the Capacitor, Petey slips out and goes for a powerbomb, series of rollup reversals…Petey holds the tights and gets the 3!

Winner: Petey Williams via pinfall (tight-grabbing rollup)
Rating: **½ Fun little opener, but way too short. It felt very much like they were trying to stuff as much as they could in the 7 or so minutes they got. At least a lot of it was good. 3 more minutes, and this would have been pushing 3 and a fraction.

JB is waiting for Petey, but Eric Young comes in instead, and apparently tonight is the first meeting of the Prince Justice Brotherhood. But JB can’t tell anyone, or EY will kill him. Serious business, he says. Oh for the love of God TNA, WHY must you do this to me?

Commercial.

JB is with Samoa Joe to talk about Sting. Nash arrives before Joe can answer. He said what he said to motivate Joe. Joe is doubting his ability to beat Booker, Nash tells him not to travel that road. Amazing how they all of a sudden patched things up. I am digging the Booker-Joe angle, but Sting needs to stay away from it.

Beer Money are beating up randoms in the production truck. Anyway…

Commercial. 32 minutes, 1 match.

JB sees a limo and presumes it’s sting. It’s 3D and Kurt Angle in Sting masks though, who blank him. He sees Shark Boy, Super Eric and Curry Man in the shadows. Oh God this is either going to rule or totally suck.

Super Eric: I have to drain the super hero gun
Sharky: Well hurry man
Curry Man: No, I am Curry Man

Totally suck it is then.

Match 2 – JIMMY RAVE~! Vs Matt Morgan

Morgan is coming out to Tick Tick Boom by Saliva now. Rave starts on the offensive, Morgan no sells and flattens him with the suplex to uranage.

Winner: Matt Morgan by pinfall (suplex to uranage)

Match 3 – Lance Hoyt Rock vs Matt Morgan

Rock is about to get squashed when Hemme distracts the ref. Rock gets some shots in and goes for a moonsault(!!!!) but misses. Suplex to uranage does for Rock as well. Extended squash.

Winner: Matt Morgan by pinfall (suplex to uranage)

Rating: ¼* Just because it got Jimmy Rave on my TV.

Cornette is in a room full of Knockouts who are arguing, until Traci shuts them up. Cornette makes a 10-woman match for tonight, with the winner getting a shot at Taylor next week. He also says he hopes none of them is married because all their husbands should commit suicide. Oh REAL tactful Cornette. Who was the second dark-haired women that was chest-bumping Velvet Sky? That’s gonna bug me for hours.

Commercial.

We’re getting a Karen angle talk segment called…Karen’s Angle. Oh sweet mother of mercy. It débuts next week. Thank God I won’t see it.

Beer Money are in the amusement park intending to beat random tourists. Security comes to stop them and get strapped. Lauren is being annoying. I get the idea behind this, but damn is it stupid. They obviously can’t strap fans.

Angle and Team 3D are coming to the ring in full Sting gear as we go to commercial. OK, why? Seriously, NOTHING has made sense in this Impact yet.

Commercial.

Angle and 3D are there to celebrate their victory and to welcome Sting to their fraternity. After 2 decades of kissing babies and hollering like an idiot, we are finally seeing the real Sting. Angle says Sting is pissed at the fans for not appreciating him, and he knows this because he spoke to Sting last night.

AJ, Christian and Rhino are out. Only Sting knows why he did what he did, and AJ trusts Sting’s motives. But they’re not here to talk about Sting. Brother Ray is on the mic and rips into all 3 men. Rhino has no brains, and Cage’s ego is bigger than Kong’s toilet seat. Random. Ray makes a 6-man tables match for Hard Justice. Cage calls Brother Ray Silent Bob! Gold. He says that the only orders Ray makes get the response “Please drive through”. Gold again! Cage moves the match to next week, and makes it elimination.

A video package on the history of the TNA Knockouts. Nicely done. SALINAS! That’s who it was earlier. Duh.

Match 4 – 10-Knockout Gauntlet Match for the #1 Contender spot

Gail and Jackie to start. Gail dicks a clothesline and they exchange forearms. Whip by Jackie, tilt a whirl headscissors by Gail. She goes for the straitjacket neckbreaker early but it gets blocked. Jackie locks in a GOGOPLATA! Angelina Love is next, she pushes Jackie out of the way and beats on Gail. Jackie is pissed so Love and Jackie start a shoving match. Kim with a double clothesline. Leaping clothesline to Love in the corner. Love comes back with a nice spin kick. Salinas’ tits are next, with Salinas right after. She takes it to everyone and eventually pairs off with Love. Kim has Jackie in trouble, but Jackie locks in a figure four necklock while hanging over the ropes! Jackie is AWESOME. Velvet Sky is next and goes straight to Salinas. Double team to Salinas by the People. Roxxi is out and she goes after the People, then sets up for the Barbie Crusher on Salinas who counters to a facebuster. Salinas gets eliminated by the People as Rhaka Khan comes out. This could be interesting. She goes straight for Gail, Roxxi tries to intervene but eats a boot and a nice axe kick. Traci is out now, ducks a Beautiful People clothesline and takes them both out, then goes after Rhaka Khan. Khan goozles her three times but it gets turned into a facebuster. Oh good, here comes Hemme. My evening is now complete. She attacks Traci and hits her splits leg drop. She turns her attention to Kim who bumps hard for Hemme. Why, I don’t know. Damn this is hard to call. ODB is the last entrant, and we have one elimination so far. ODB spits her drink in Hemme’s face, then attacks the People. Khan and ODB face off as we go to commercial.

Back from commercial and we see the eliminations of Khan, Hemme and Traci. After the clips, we see Jackie eliminate ODB with ease. Roxxi tries to throw Jackie, who skins the cat, kicks Roxxi in the hand then gets a headscissors to eliminate Roxxi! I told you Jackie is awesome! Roxxi gets pissed and eliminates Jackie from outside. For those not keeping track, it’s down to Gail and the Beautiful People. The People double team Gail, she avoids a charge and they collide. Gail and Love exchange shots mid ring, Gail hits a Codebreaker! Gail tries to eliminate Love, they tangle and Gail gets Love out! She celebrates, but Sky rolls her up for the quick 3!

Winner, and new #1 contender: Velvet Sky via pinfall (schoolgirl)
Rating: *** I’ve never had to review a battle royal before, and it’s HARD. The match was good, it was fast, it had some nice stories included, it set up a Roxxi-Jackie feud which should be great…not much to complain about except the 3 eliminations in the commercial when we had 1 in the time they got before it.

JB is with Booker and Sharmell. Booker picks Consequences Creed for a match tonight, and thinks he’s giving Creed a shot at the title. Booker calls 911 and requests an ambulance, because it’s a stretcher match. Wow, there’s a waste of a blow off gimmick match.

Commercial.

JB has Lethal, who calls him Mean JB. Val tries to defend Sonjay and says Lethal is being too hard on him. Not telegraphing a turn AT ALL.

Match 5 – Johnny Devine vs Eric Young vs The Guru Sonjay Dutt

WHY does Devine combine two old gimmicks to make his new one? It’s not bad, just weird. Why is Eric Young still residing in an undisclosed location? Why does Sonjay have no Guruites? All this and more, on the next Maury.

The heels attack Eric early and hit a double team back elbow. They hug but Sonjay with a small package on Devine for 2. Devine with a schoolboy for two. Devine throws Sonjay out and hits 2 running knees to Young for 2. Snap suplex by Devine. Devine to the top, moonsault catches knees and EY is on fire. Roaring clothesline to Devine! Whip, Eric charges but eats Devine’s boot. Young hits a DVD on Devine, but Dutt with the chop block and the quick cover for the win!

Winner: Sonjay Dutt via pinfall (chop block)
Rating: ½* Since when did a freaking chop block finish a 3-minute match? Since when die a triple threat only go 3 minutes? So much talent in the ring, and they do that? Ugh.

Post match, Jay Lethal is out to beat down Dutt, Devine makes the save but Lethal takes Devine out and goes to annihilate Dutt. Val comes running down the ramp and begs Jay to stop, but Jay ignores her and gets a chair. Val takes it from him. Man, if I was Jay I’d be all like “Bitch please! You better get yo bitch ass back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!” Val turns to leave, Dutt has the chair and whacks the ringpost, then tosses the chair to Jay. Ahh the old Eddie Guerrero ploy. Val falls for it hook line and sinker, and calls Jay an animal. Michael Hayes just marked out. Of course, Jay won’t think to have Val watch the tape. That would be smart.

Commercial.

Beer Money’s entrance theme rules all. Roode talks about being pissed at the fans and they go looking for some to whip. They grab an obvious plant in an LAX shirt and whip him until refs come out. They decide to whip the refs instead. Simon Diamond and Scott D’Amore are out, and they get whipped! They go to the Spanish commentary position and grab Hector Guerrero to beat the crap out of him. The cuffs are out and Roode goes to work on his back with the strap. Damn those shots are loud. Hectors back looks like it should be attached to a Christmas card. OK so NOW LAX come out for the save? What the hell were they doing?

JB is with Angle, 3D and Tomko. Angle says that Team 3D have never lost a tables match (Oh yes they have), and that Sting will be in their corner next week. He also gives Tomko an assignment to crash Karen’s talk show next week. Wow, he really IS in the TNA dog house.

Commercial.

Lauren is with Consequences Creed. Well aren’t we just the little bundle of energy! Creed shows more personality and energy in that short promo than CM Punk has shown in the last year, and I’m a Punk uber-mark.

Match 6 – Booker T vs Consequences Creed – Stretcher Match

I honestly have no idea how this match main events Impact. Of course we won’t get a clean finish, but they couldn’t have got someone else? Oh well, at least Creed got a chance to show some personality.

Waistlock takedown by Booker, then an armdrag. Side headlock now by Booker, Creed throws him into the ropes but Booker comes back with a shoulder. Shots in the corner by Booker, Creed fights back valiantly and hits Konnan’s Rolling Thunder clothesline! Booker bails to the floor as we go to commercial.

We come back to see Creed with Booker’s arm. Creed tries some jabs but gets a taste of Booker’s sole with a stiff kick. Spinebuster by Booker, then another big kick. More shots in the corner and Creed keeps fighting back! Booker ends that with the axe kick. Creed thrown to the outside and here comes the stretcher. Booker continues the beatdown, easily dumps Creed on the stretcher and that’s that.

Winner: Booker T via beatery
Rating * A main even squash in a pointless gimmick watch. Fuck you, TNA

Joe was waiting in the ambulance! He beats the hell out of Booker and throws him in the ambulance. As we fade, the ambulance speeds away while Joe is left holding a black bat that just appeared. What, no puff of smoke?

Final Thoughts: I’ve said it before, and it remains true: I really, REALLY want to like TNA. Tonight started well with Kaz-Petey, but it was a touch too short. After seeing the whole show it could even have main evented! Matt Morgan getting 2 sqaushes did nothing for anyone. The Gauntlet was good, but the rest of the night after that was just thrown out there. A really weak effort to follow on the heels of a strong PPV.