Games Only a Mother Could Love 04.01.09: Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Sega CD)
Posted by Mark Salmela on 04.01.2009
Love never dies, especially when it’s my love for terrible full motion video games.
Welcome back guys and… well who am I kidding there isn't a girl on this Earth who'd bother reading my propaganda. Anyways, welcome back to another edition of Games Only a Mother Could Love. Writing last week's edition on Target Terror got me back in the writing spirit, so here I am with another edition of Games Only a Mother Could Love. This week we will discuss Bram Stoker's Dracula for the Sega CD, which is based off the 1992 erotic movie. Don't get your hopes up, the movie sucks ass, but it is pretty funny how much sexual tension exists in a movie about a blood-sucking vampire. Sure Dracula has always had sexual tension, but the 1992 movie takes the erotic concept and runs with it. In fact it's almost disturbing how one scene can have so much sexual tension while the next scene will feature zombie-ish creatures getting stabbed in the heart. So sit back, relax, and enjoy as I go in-depth with this glorious video game based off a terrible movie.
Bram Stoker's Dracula (1993)
Bram Stoker's Dracula was a game developed by Traveller's Tales, known for titles such as Sonic 3D Blast, in an attempt to cash in on the popularity of the 1992 movie. Bram Stoker's Dracula was developed for several systems, and all of them except the Sega CD version was a generic action-platformer. Why Traveller's Tales made a Sega CD version that was completely different from its counterparts is a complete mystery to me, but I love them for it. Taking advantage of the Sega CD's ability to handle full-motion-video, the Sega CD version of Bram Stoker's Dracula uses actual digitized sprites based off the actors of the video game placed on actual digitized backgrounds from the movie. The Sega CD version is still an action-platformer at heart, but as I've said many times before, every game is better using actual people *just look at Mortal Kombat*.
The game starts off with some douche bag reading a book in his study, telling us the history behind Dracula. I've never actually listened to what he has to say, as I always end up making fun of his terrible British accent every time he starts talking. "The year of our lord…" Whatever, you can sit there smoking your hallucinogenic drugs through your crack pipe, I just want to start the damn game.
I don't know who the hell you are but you need to shut the hell up!
The first level of Bram Stoker's Dracula takes place as the main hero of the movie Jonathan Harker attempts to enter Dracula's castle. The first thing I do in every video game is press every button on the controller to see what they do. In Dracula's case, the A button jumps, the B button punches, and the C button kicks. In my mashing to find out what does what, Johnny boy somehow does a wicked roundhouse kick, immediately making him more badass than any other character to appear in a Sega CD game. Jonny's kick is also pretty incredible, as it looks as if he's trying to punt a football instead of actually attacking something.
So once I finally start moving I'm immediately greeted by 3 pissed off rats, and boy do they mean business. But those rats are no match for my wicked disgruntled kicks of fury, and I punt each rat individually across the screen as I near piss my pants in excitement. I never knew punting digitized rats could be so much fun. I couldn't wait to see what I get to unleash my fury upon next. The next enemies are digitized bats, and I'm not talking 2 or 3 bats, I'm talking like 7 or 8 bats. Bram Stoker's Dracula doesn't take any shit, and from this point on there's at least 5 or 6 enemies on the screen at all times looking to take a chunk out of Jonny boy's face.
That's right you curl up in a ball you pussy.
In true video game fashion bats are no match for a punch to the face, and the only time I ever get hurt is when I'm overwhelmed by enemies crawling on the ground such as snakes and rats and flying enemies such as bats at the same time. Jonny boy may have a wicked roundhouse kick, but it's totally useless in every situation.
So moving on in the level, Bram Stoker's Dracula moves from being a funny game to an absolutely hysterical game as I encounter some random dude in a cape walking towards me with a scepter. I'm absolutely serious, the first time I played this game I screamed in excitement as after two kicks to this caped-crusader he lays down in defeat and disappears. That is fucking awesome. Moving on I then have to cross this murky swamp, which is where the platforming comes into play. Bram Stoker's Dracula has some of the most frustrating and inconsistent jumps ever in a video game, and it's near impossible to cross the swamp without falling in at least two or three times. Other games would punish you by making you die if you fall into a swamp, but not Bram Stoker's Dracula. You miraculously walk on water and only take a little bit of damage for landing on top of the water instead of on the next rock.
A gentle kick to the groin.
While you're trying to cross the swamp some green thing is trying to message your thighs. I have a hunch that it's the Jolly Green Giant, but so far my studies have been inconclusive. He only does minimal damage each time his fingers linger across your thighs, so I don't pay any attention to him and move on. Look Jolly Green Giant, I know you're lonely, but I got a fucking vampire to kill. Your foreplay will have to wait.
The next major obstacle players will encounter in Bram Stoker's Dracula is some dude chucking fucking axes at your grill. Due to the shity jumping skills it's nearly impossible to dodge the axes and you'll have to put up with his chip-damage whoreness until you reach this dastardly axe-chucker in a sweet top hat and punch him in the face. Just like the dude in a cape after only a couple of punches the axe-chucker lays down and disappears in a humiliating defeat as I continue to laugh my ass off.
The first level of Bram Stoker's Dracula.
Right before the final boss of the level is the bridge section, where falling off the ledge means instant death *as well as getting to hear Jonny boy scream like a bitch as he falls to his death*. The first boss of the game is quite uneventful, as it's not actually a person but rather lighting strikes that have to be avoided. Walking to the far right of the screen makes the battle stupidly easy, as only a few strikes will even come close to actually hitting you *and being struck by lightning does very little damage anyways*. Once the lightning stops the first level is over, and the douche bag reading in his study starts talking again followed by a cut scene from the movie.
I must say, Dracula looks exactly like Mom from Futurama. For those who's never seen Futurama, Dracula looks like an old woman. The second level is set inside of Dracula's castle. Dracula has obviously never seen a home improvement show, as his castle is an absolute fashion disaster. Then again if I had the ability to bite people in the neck and turn them into vampires, interior design wouldn't be much of a concern to me either. Just like outside of the castle, the inside of the castle is infested by bats, rats, and other hideous creatures, and you are constantly overwhelmed against nature's tiny creatures.
These guys are assholes!
For everything Bram Stoker's Dracula does right, it totally messed up in the sound department. One of the Sega CD's biggest features was the improved sound from using CD's, but I'd have rather there been no level music at all. As you'll hear in the YouTube videos that I'm posting along with the column, Bram Stoker's Dracula has some of the worst music ever in a video game. I would make a joke about it being part of the experience, but once your ears start to bleed the joke is over.
Bram Stoker's Dracula makes use of the Sega CD's hardware by rotating the levels at certain points, usually at the beginning of each level. It doesn't have an effect on the gameplay, but I'm sure by 1993's standards it was pretty cool to look at. The second level's boss is Dracula himself, although he's in his old man/woman form and doesn't pose much of a threat *and of course it won't be the last time you fight him*. The only thing to watch out for is when Dracula reaches out his hand to choke you, as your life bar plummets each time he grabs you. He also throws fireballs Bowser style from Super Mario Bros., but those are easily avoidable. Dracula also has some sort of electric shield move. Remember when Dracula had a force field? Yeah, me neither. But after ten or twelve kicks to the groin Dracula gives up and goes away *via curling up in a ball after laying down on the ground like everyone else and disappearing*, ending the second level.
The second level of Bram Stoker's Dracula.
The third and fourth levels are just more parts to the castle, and are rather uneventful other than the library room. I was hoping I'd get to fight the douche bag reading the book in this level, but instead the only obstacles are books flying across the room, all of which take an insane amount of damage. Who knew a book to the face would hurt more than 5 poisonous snake bites?
I'm going to be honest with you. I had to use an infinite lives cheat to beat Bram Stoker's Dracula. But like every other Sega CD game Bram Stoker's Dracula is impossible without it. The Sega CD honestly has the hardest video games I've ever played. I'm not going to go on and explain every level in detail, but there are 8 levels in total. The 7th level is a chase scene where Jonny boy is on a horse and Dracula is attempting to get away in a carriage. This is the only level in the game that doesn't use digitized sprites, as I can imagine it took up too much space to have a lengthy horse chase using all real digitized sprites.
This liger is gonna get his ass beat.
The final level takes place outside in the snow, and is rather uneventful. You have a final showdown with Dracula, and you kick him in the grill every chance you get just like every other bad guy in the game. But then again I didn't really play Bram Stoker's Dracula for the amazing gameplay, but rather the hysterical laughs. I did have quite an adventure beating the game, as the disc is so scratched up and dirty that the final few levels had serious loading problems. Some parts took 5 minutes to load in places where the game isn't supposed to have a wait time loading, which was pretty epic. Once again this was just my experience, and admittedly I haven't taken good care of my Sega CD games over time.
It's time to get down with your bad self.
All of the cut scenes from Bram Stoker's Dracula were ripped right out of the movie. And here they are, presented to you in glorious HD!
Yeah you come here and get punted like your buddy.
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-Have an urge to punch someone? Then check out B3yond the Report by Drew Robbins *usually written by his alt name Derek Robbins*. Read and tell him how much he sucks at life.
-Feel free to read The Full Circle by Joe Roche if you're having a hard time falling asleep.
-Be sure to read Nintendophiles by Theo Fraser if you like reading columns about a company who doesn't care about you.
-Want to hear more about Target Terror? Check out Games Top 5 by Todd Vote.
-In case you missed last week's edition on Target Terror, be sure to check it out here.
-Just for good measure here is the first ever edition of B3yond the Report *I renamed it from SIXAXIS Report* which went up on April Fool's Day 2008 *one year ago today*. I didn't include any April Fool's Day jokes in this year's column, but I made a whole section of pranks last year.
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Bram Stoker's Dracula was a game that I picked up online not expecting anything in particular, so I was very happy to see how awesome the game turned out. Bram Stoker's Dracula was easily worth the $5 I paid for it, and I do plan on buying more Sega CD games in the near future *the last time I bought a new Sega CD game was May 2007*. If I find anything super awesome I'll be sure to let you guys know about it. There isn't much coming out in the next couple of months for the current consoles, so I'll be doing a lot of retro gaming in the mean time. Hell, the next game I'm looking forward to is inFamous in June*.
Well that's it for me everyone. I haven't had this much free time since I was on winter vacation at the end of December, which explains why I've been writing articles again instead of just contributing to other columns around 411. I plan on making this column weekly for at least the next couple of months, although if school/work overwhelms me I may need to take a break again. Be sure to let me know what you think about Games Only a Mother Could Love by either sending an email to marksalms@gmail.com or leaving a comment below. I really appreciate reading every comment, and I loved getting so much positive feedback last week. Thanks so much guys. Hope you enjoyed the column, cya!
