B3yond the Report 04.07.09

Posted by Mark Salmela on 04.07.2009

This is a hostile takeover if I’ve ever seen one. Mark Salmela is taking his column back and saving 411 from the RPG love fest B3yond has been known for. This week we’re going to talk about Comet Crash, Flowers vs. Zombies, Assassin’s Creed 2, MAG, Qore, Crash Team Racing, Gran Turismo 5, Modern Warfare 2, and more!

That's right, this is YOUR host Mark Salmela speaking, and I have returned to save the day. It's been almost 8 months since I relinquished B3yond the Report to Derek Robbins. And now like a hooker taking her child back from its foster family, I am seizing this column BACK from the clutches of the Robbins.

Oh hell yes it feels good to be back.

Snake? Where the hell are ya Snake? Where's my F'N banner?!



No not you!




Oh hell yeah. It's good to be back Snake. I missed ‘ya.

I am writing this column on really short notice since Derek didn't tell me until 4:30 that I would have to fill in for him, so pardon if I come off a little rushed. I'm still trying to shake all the rust off. Writing B3yond the Report is a lot different than writing Games Only a Mother Could Love and ranting about some game that starts with the letter T in Games Top 5. Speaking of said game, it won't be making an appearance here. B3yond is super-cerial, and there will be no targeting terrorists in this column. Also, unlike Derek Robbins, I have a jihad going against RPGs, so you won't have to worry about me ranting on crap like Disgaea for 3 pages. So sit back, relax, and enjoy as I dive back into the fire that is the PlayStation 3.

But wait! Look, people are so happy I'm writing B3yond the Report again they're making videos of themselves dancing in the streets. I'm not kidding!



That's awesome, now let's get on with the show.

Wait, I need that fucking banner again.



All is right with the world…



Put the kids to bed, it's B3yond the News of the Week~!

Sony released firmware 2.70



How fitting is it that a new firmware is released the week of my return? Seriously, those bastards are stalking me. Originally firmware 2.70 was being hyped up to have some crazy features such as PS2 emulation, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. What firmware 2.70 does have is the ability to have text chat rooms with up to 15 of your friends. Firmware 2.70 also allows you to sort your friends list either alphabetically or by the last time they signed in. It also allows you to back-up videos purchased on the PS3 video store to either an external hard drive or a PSP. There are also a few minor things, but they're really not important unless you're a tech geek.

Firmware 2.70 isn't the most exciting firmware update, but then again I don't think Sony has any exciting features coming in the near future unless they finally grow a pair and add PS2 emulation for backwards compatibility. Taking out PS2 backwards compatibility is one of the dumbest moves I've ever seen Sony make, and I've seen the "This is Living" commercial from Europe which involved a guy masturbating to soccer. I'm not kidding.

Some users have been reporting issues with game freezing and PS2-PS3 controller adapters not functioning properly, but until I hear this from a credible source I'm not going to comment. Besides, who still uses PS2-PS3 controller adapters? Man up and buy a damn DualShock 3 already. Also, Sony may put a ridiculous number of updates, but at least I don't have to worry about my PS3 bricking every time it updates like another console I DO own.

Credit: PlayStation Blog


New information about the Massive Action Game



That's right, Sony may be embarrassed at how bad of a name MAG actually is, but that's not going to stop me from saying it. For those of you who have forgotten MAG stands for Massive Action Game, and MAG is an FPS that is being tagged as an FPS MMO due to the inclusion of a 256 player versus mode. MAG is being developed by Zipper Interactive, who is known for creating the PS2 SOCOM games. Slant 6, the developers of the PSP games, made the crappy PS3 SOCOM Confrontation which came out last September. If it wasn't for Zipper developing MAG I'd have no faith what-so-ever in MAG, but since it's Zipper, I have hope.

This week Sony released a bunch of new screenshots, as well as the obligatory "this crazy shit couldn't be done on Xbox 360" comment. Does every studio under the Sony umbrella really hate Microsoft that much? Or is Jack Trenton a hardcore badass threatening to murder anyone who doesn't constantly tout the PS3's power? Look, I think everyone besides Xbox 360 fanboys have accepted that the PS3 is slightly more powerful and more future proof than the 360. That doesn't mean you're going to win this console generation, especially when you refuse to drop the price during a recession.

Anyways here's some of the new screenshots for MAG. No release date for MAG has been announced yet, but I'd anticipate early next year.


That's a sick amount of bullets.


Crazy soldier guy, don't you know it's dangerous to stand on that?

Credit: Giant Gamer


April Fool's Day runs rampant around the industry



April Fool's Day has come and gone, and boy was it disappointing. Last year had a ton of incredible pranks, including IGN's amazing Legend of Zelda trailer that had me fooled for a solid hour or 2. I even got in on the festivities, as you can check out my section of April Fool's Day jokes from 2008 here. I also want to make mention that was the first edition of B3yond the Report. Beforehand the column was named The SIXAXIS Report, but yours truly renamed it after Sony all but discontinued support of SIXAXIS controllers. Derek forgot to celebrate the one year anniversary of B3yond the Report, but that's ok, I forgive him.

Anyways this year had a bunch of April Fool's Day pranks, although none of them were very good. Bethesda had a decent prank in doubling the price of the infamous Horse Armor DLC for Oblivion on 360, and Blizzard had a decent one with Diablo 3 and the archivist class and his hilarious shush move, but after that it was a lot of disappointment.

One thing that did fool me however was the announcement that Plants vs. Zombies by Popcap games is an actual game and not a prank. Plants vs. Zombies will be a tower defense game and is being developed by the same guys who made Peggle. Plants vs. Zombies has only been announced for PC so far, but I expect it will eventually come out for everything, including the PSN. So far it looks awesome, and I'm including the trailer below.

Credit: Popcap


PlayStation Store update for the week of April 2



Oh PlayStation Store, how I used to hate thee. For those of you who never read B3yond during my time as the writer *or when I wrote the SIXAXIS Report*, the PlayStation Store update was basically my opportunity to criticize Sony, since back in 2007 and early 2008 Sony put out jack shit on the PSN every week. But I applaud Sony, as it appears all of my bitching has finally paid off. The PSN has become substantially better, and over the past 6 months put out countless awesome titles.

WipeOut HD is absolutely amazing, Solderner-X is good, Crash Commando is really fun, GTI Club is solid *although insanely short*, Savage Moon was alright, 3 on 3 NHL arcade was acceptable *closest thing I've seen to classic NBA Jam style games in a long time*, Flower is one of my leading candidates for game of the year so far, Noby Noby Boy was fun to mess around with, I'm a sucker for Wheel of Fortune, Burn Zombie Burn is pretty fun, and Comet Crash is awesome. And that's not even everything that's come out in the past 6 months.

This week we were treated to Qore episode 11 *which is free*, and Comet Crash. Qore has always been a guilty pleasure of mine, but I am pissed off they don't include anything cool anymore. The SOCOM beta was sweet, so was the Resistance 2 beta, but lately there hasn't been anything at all in Qore. Also, do I get 2 free months to make up for the 2 free issues of Qore that have come out? If not that's bullshit, because annual subscribers are still paying for those issues that no one else does. When June comes around and it's time to resubscribe I'll have some big issues with Qore if I don't get 2 free issues.

Also this week was Comet Crash, and I think I've died and gone to heaven. Ever since Pixel Junk Monsters came out in January 2008 I've been craving more. Pixel Junk Monsters Encore was really good and added a random level generator to keep me from going insane, but god damn it I want more. Salvage Moon was supposed to be the next PJM, but there were too many problems that I won't go into right now that kept me from enjoying it. But this week Comet Crash was released, and it's a damn shame no one is talking about it, because Comet Crash is awesome. Comet Crash adds offense into the mix besides defense, which really changes up the game. I also love the addition of 3 player co-op, since I have 2 friends who loved to play PJM with me. Now I don't have to choose, I can play with both at the same time! Also, there's a 4 player versus mode, but I have yet to try that out. Comet Crash is more than worth your $10.

The PSN also released a bunch of videos like it always does, but with such a packed week I just recommend sticking with the free issue of Qore and Comet Crash. Comet Crash will have to hold me over until Fat Princess's release this summer. If you don't know what Fat Princess is, than you are missing out. I'll be sure to rant about it next week.


You're gonna need that when I come for you Qore lady!

Credit: Sony



B3yond the Tabloids!

Sony released a list of the most downloaded PS1 games for the PS3, and Street Fighter Alpha took number 1. Castlevania: SOTN was number 2, and the original Crash Bandicoot was number 3 *Crash 2 and 3 are also on the top 10*. You'd think that Sony would be releasing more PS1 games for download on the PSN since it's basically free money, but then again I do have a strong dislike for making money as well so I don't blame Sony.

Rumor has it the team who makes the Mortal Kombat games wants out of Midway. If they left Midway would keep the Mortal Kombat license. It's sad to see how far Midway has fallen, since they have made some of my favorite games. NBA Jam, Mortal Kombat, Paperboy, Rampage, and more. Here's hoping we can get one more MK game before Midway goes under *and not MK vs. DC, that game was mediocre*.

Square Enix has claimed that Final Fantasy 13 will use 100% of the PS3's power. No really? I kind of expected Square Enix to announce they were only going to use 50% of the power, and use 100% for Final Fantasy 14, which will be released around the same time I start collecting social security money.

Sony announced at GDC that Gran Turismo 5 will be released "when it makes the most sense". Wait, doesn't NOW make the most sense? It seems to me the only logical time to release a game would be as soon as possible, so you actually make your money back for developing the game. I used to say that Sony knew what they were doing, but I've become increasingly convinced I can actually create product knowledge and promote the PS3 better than Sony can.

2K games has announced that BioShock 2 will just be called BioShock 2, and not include the subtitle "Sea of Dreams". That's probably for the better, because "Sea of Dreams" sounds pretty retarded. Then again people have a lot more to be concerned about with BioShock 2 than its title.

Speaking of subtitles, Activision has made quite the bold move in naming the sequel to Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare simply Modern Warfare 2. I understand not wanting to call the game Call of Duty 5 *maybe 6*: Modern Warfare 2, but everyone and their mother refers to the game as COD4. Dropping the COD name will probably hurt product knowledge, but then again Modern Warfare 1 was such a huge success it probably won't matter.

EA has recently started promoting Godfather 2 in PlayStation Home. HA! I almost forgot about Home. Hey guys, remember back in October 2007 when I was pumped for Home? Boy was I stupid. Home is an absolute joke, and no amount of work can save it. Personally I'd cut the loses and drop it entirely. There are a lot of developers working on Home who could actually be doing something productive, like developing games.



B3yond the Cinema!



That crazy Kojima and his April Fool's Day pranks. Then again last year he did the same thing except Snake was in an Altair costume from Assassin's Creed and that thing was actually in the game. DLC maybe?



It's Plants vs Zombies, what more could you ask for?



Here's how to develop a terrible teaser trailer for the sequel to one of the most overhyped games not named Lair this generation. Seriously? Why did Ubisoft bother putting this Assassin's Creed 2 teaser out? This sucks…



Even Sackboy couldn't help but express how happy he is that I am writing B3yond the Report again.



The One Man Water Cooler~!



Try all you want Derek, this banner is stick around for good! I'm not really sure what I want to do with this section. In the past I've written short articles about different things around the industry. I've also written guides on how to do things such as change out the hard drive on a PS3 as well as how to install Linux on a PS3. I've even just written random things about what's going on in my life before.

So if you guys have any preference on what you want me to write here just let me know. On most weeks I plan to just write about what I've been gaming, but that could change if you guys have suggestions. Be sure to let me know!


Anyways this week I've been doing a lot of retro gaming. Every spring for the past 3 years now I've gotten into a retro craze since the current gaming world slows down in April and May. 2 years ago I bought a Sega CD, and last year I bought a Sega Saturn. Last spring I played a lot of awesome games such as Guardian Heroes, NiGHTS, Panzer Dragoon Saga, and even Die Hard *it was actually a good game*. This year I'm planning on getting a Sega 32X, but I do want a Turbo Grafx 16 *maybe next year*.

Over the past week I've been playing a lot of Crash Team Racing for the PS1. It's a solid game that I overlooked back when it first came out. Crash Team Racing has a ton of levels *16*, although not many characters *8*. CTR plays a lot like Mario Kart, but I'm finding it a lot easier to get into than Mario Kart. CTR has a lot of the same BS elements that Mario Kart has and requires a lot of luck to win, but so far I'm enjoying CTR a lot more than I did any Mario Kart *the Wii Kart is pretty fun though*.

Holy crap is the PS1's multitap function is tough to figure out. I'm a traditionalist and usually play multiplayer games locally with friends, and trying to get 4 players working on a PS3 while playing a PS1 game is damn near rocket science. For those don't want to go through the trouble you have to change everyone who's playing to controller 1. That's right, 4 players on a PS1 game on PS3 requires you to set the controllers to slots 1-A, 1-B, 1-C, and 1-D. It makes sense now that I found it, but jesus Christ did it take my friends and I forever to figure out that you can't use 2-A or any of the 2 slots for multiplayer. Why can't the PS3 do it for you, or at least tell you how to do it yourself?

Besides CTR I've also been playing Hot Shots Golf: Out of Bounds, Comet Crash, World of Goo, Bit Trip Beat, and MLB 09: The Show. I've also been playing NBA Jam *original 1993 arcade machine* and Mortal Kombat Trilogy for the PS1, but I'll detail how awesome those games are in the future for you non-believers.



B3yond the Mail!



I'm not Derek Robbins. So leave me some damn feedback already so I can start posting stuff here!



The 411mania Empire~!



The Full Circle by Joe Roche. Hey Joe, I'm baaaaaaack.
Nintendophiles by Theo Fraser. DSi? Bwuahahaha…
411 Games Top 5 by Todd Vote. Todd enjoys screwing me over week after week, but that's ok. I'll just kill his first born *assuming he spawns with something*.
411 Fact or Fiction Games by Ramon Aranda. Ramon may be my boss, but that's not going to stop me from constantly harassing him. I'm all about equal opportunity in the work place.
Three Player Co-Op by Drew Robbins. Hey Drew, remember a column called Coming Attractions? Yeah, me neither.
Games Only a Mother Could Love by Mark Salmela. Kid tested, mother approved!



B3yond the Wallpaper!

Well I have a special treat for everyone, as I am here to present to you the official B3yond the Report wallpaper. I recently tricked all of my fellow 411games comrades into giving me a little description of themselves, and it has led to the next strike in my war against the other news writers. A huge thanks to B3yond the Super fan Eric for the submission, and without further adieu, here's the official B3yond the Report wallpaper.

Download the official B3yond the Wallpaper here. It's available in many awesome resolutions. Here's a downsized version of the wallpaper.



B3yond the Report for life!



Signing Off!



It's great to be back people. I'll be the host of B3yond the Report again. I want to thank Derek Robbins for running the show for the past 7 months. He's done a terrific job and I'm glad he accepted my offer to write the column while I was going through some big changes in my life. But now I am back, and better than ever. I will still be posting Games Only a Mother Could Love for the next month or so *I wrote them in advance*, but unless Derek takes B3yond back I will be dropping Games Only a Mother Could Love once I run out of issues to post *I have enough to get through April for sure*.

Now that I'm writing B3yond again I hope I can get all of my favorite readers back. I haven't forgotten about you guys and I hope to get back in contact with some of my super fans including the ever-so-awesome Eric who created most of the banners in this column. I had plans of getting him to make a new banner right before I left but obviously those plans never came to fruition. So be sure to drop me an email at [e-mail] or leave a comment below, I love reading what you guys have to say. Cya in 7.