Games Only a Mother Could Love 04.07.09: Supreme Warrior (Sega CD)

Posted by Mark Salmela on 04.07.2009

It’s time for this flour eating coward to take China back from the clutches of evil! Supreme Warriors unite!

Welcome back everyone to another edition of Games Only a Mother Could Love. I am your host Mark Salmela and I'm writing this from a county prison. My lawyers *Joe Roche* have advised me from going into detail but it may or may not be a Target Terror related crime. But that's a different story for a different time. Who knows, maybe Todd Vote will write something on his own for once and not rely on multiple writers like me to produce golden content for him. Just kidding everyone, you know I love my 411 brethren. Well, except those Robbins brothers. No amount of BS could cover up how much I hate them. Anyways, this week we're going to take a look at the third game in the Tom Zito line from Digital Pictures. I've already discussed Slam City with Scottie Pippen and Corpse Killer, so now it's time for Supreme Warrior. Supreme Warrior is your basic Kung-Fu action movie, except it was actually made in America. I would make a joke about the bad acting being on purpose, but who am I kidding, Digital Pictures couldn't even afford to get a game right in its native language. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!




Supreme Warrior (1995)




Supreme Warrior begins with your generic ancient Chinese theme music, and some grassy mountains for good measure. Supreme Warrior then cuts to an ancient Chinese city where everyone starts panicking. An old woman starts yelling at me in Chinese, and I can only guess that she's saying something along the lines of "It puts the lotion on its skin…" before running away and probably breaking her hip. More people are shown running away as it cuts to dudes in yellow suites and hockey masks battling Chinese monks. Those damn monks and their karate skills are no match for the Asian Power Rangers! Hell one of the monks even has a weapon and still gets his ass kicked by the flamboyant ninja.

The entire town is being set on fire, which leads to the obvious cliché of fireworks going off on the ground. It's quite the cliché, but it works because I would honestly be disappointed if Supreme Warrior didn't rely on old clichés. These "foreign attackers" are wearing some of the most ridiculous head dresses I've ever seen. These guys are putting the natives from Resident Evil 5 to shame with their whacky colors and feathers. One of the guys looks a lot like Kano from Mortal Kombat, and just as I finish saying that a lightning bolt comes from nowhere. Raiden, how could you do this?


The introduction to Supreme Warrior.


The leader of these rebels soon reveals himself, and boy is he a black and white fashion disaster. I know people who devour the flesh of their victims don't really care what they look like, but I'd probably die laughing if I ever met someone who actually dressed like this. The main bad guys name is Fang Tu, and he notes how his old rival Kai has aged. "Why thank you for noticing I've aged Fang Tu. I can't help but notice you look a guy who got kicked out of a gay bar during Mardi Gras."

Fang Tu notes that he has assembled a force of the greatest warriors in the world. Seriously? That's the best the 16th century had to offer? I think I could take those guys by myself, and I recently lost a fight with a lady at the grocery store *I'm not about to pay $1.20 for a damn candy bar you bitch*. Fang Tu notes that he is in search of the other half of his mask, because apparently he needs it to rule the world. Well, I guess if I dressed like that I'd want my entire face covered as well. Fang Tu says that if he does not get the mask soon, he will "put the heart of every human on a steak". To be honest, I kind of want to see that. Too bad there's not an option to give up and watch everyone die.

Fang Tu's men haven't even walked 3 feet off the screen before Kai turns to the camera and says "I've been waiting for you. I hope you brought the other half of the mask". First off, was I just sitting there this whole time completely unnoticed? I know that Kai is getting old and senile, but I have been here the whole time you dumb fuck. Second, wouldn't you think someone from Fang Tu's posse would have heard the dumbass say that? He didn't whisper it or anything; he just flat out told everyone I have the mask. There shouldn't be any game here. I should just get gang raped by everyone in attendance while Fang Tu takes his mask back.


Yeah, he can shoot lightning. But he still has his Mom dress him in the morning.


Kai tells me to follow him, and leads me back to his house. Yeah brilliant idea Kai, let's hide the fucking mask in your house. Fang Tu will never think of looking there. There's actually a damn forest inside Kai's house, but I won't comment on how ridiculous or improbable that is. Kai tells me that we need to act fast and stop Kai. I know Kai, I was fucking there too, and I know what the flamboyant ninja with half a mask said.

Kai tells me that I am humanities last hope. Yeah Kai, I get that often. Kai tells me that he is too old to fight. No shit, I think you could get your ass handed to you by the flag carrier. He also tells me that his best warrior, the girl sitting next to him putting a thin bandage on her arm, is too injured to fight. Wait, you're telling me that the entire village is at stake including your own lives, but you're not going to fight because your fucking elbow is bleeding? Also, how did a girl become your best fighter? I'm not sexist, but I damn sure know guys who practice kung-fu could destroy girls who practice kung-fu. But back to the first problem. If your life is at fucking stake, you go down fighting. You don't sit back and die because your elbow has a scratch on it. Richard Simmons may be a pussy, but even he wouldn't sit back and let himself and his family get murdered because his elbow has a cut on it.

Supreme Warrior consists of 3 battles against Fang Tu's top warriors. The warriors are Fire, Earth, and Wind. What did they run out of development time for a water boss? The Fire and Earth levels are on the first disc, while the wind level and the final boss are on the second disc. You can select any of the 3 warriors to start, and you can do them in whichever order you want.


The Fire Warlord.


Since I'm too damn lazy to get up and change the disc I have to choose between the Fire level and the Earth level. I choose the Fire Level because it's highlighted by default. Each level starts basically the same. You and the girl who's too injured to fight approach each of Fang Tu's top warriors, who are apparently maxin' and relaxin' just shootin' some b-ball, and challenge them to a fight. I must note that the girl who's too injured to fight looks fucking fine to me judging by the way she jumps and sneaks around with grace at the beginning of each level. Also, I was joking about what Fang Tu's men are doing, but seriously, they aren't doing jack shit. It looks to me like they're mingling with the locals, who've apparently completely forgotten that these are the men who are going to murder them tonight if I don't give Fang Tu his mask back.

Anyways, after telling the Fire Warlord what's crackin', the dumb bitch I'm with makes the mistake of telling the Fire Warlord that I have the mask. Thanks you dumb bitch, you just totally ruined the element of surprise. The Fire Warlord then sends his minions after me, which makes me wonder how much it must suck to be the warriors I'm fighting. They're the servants to the servants. Anyways Supreme Warrior is basically a first person fighting game, and I can't think of any other fighting game like it. I thought Mirror's Edge was a novelty in being a first person adventure game, but Supreme Warrior takes the cake.

Supreme Warrior, like the other Digital Pictures games before it, is fucking impossible. There are visual cues to help on screen, but I can't fucking land more than one punch without getting my ass kicked. Holding block helps a little, but you're never going to defeat a ninja warrior by turtling. The guy who made the video that I'm posting on the other hand, he's a fucking champ. He hands this jabroni's ass to him, and after getting like 3 round house kicks to the face claims he's done fooling around with me. Yeah, the first 3 times I fractured your skull were just warm-ups, now you're going to fight serious.


I'm going to pinch you!


After beating this dude's ass he gives me a special power. Wait; how the fuck did you do that? Did you just transport this shit telepathically or what? My head is hurting just thinking about it. After defeating the first dude another monk who looks just like the first henchmen back flips towards me. Ok Jackie Chan, prepare to get your ass kicked. "That's for making 3 Rush Hours you fuck."

I do want to make mention that every time you lose all of your health *lose a life*, the injured girl looks at you and says a dumb line for encouragement. Seriously bitch, stop standing there watching me get my ass kicked by Jackie Chan impersonators, get in here and let's double team his ass. I also want to note that pressing up and punch does a double front palm attack, which looks like you're trying to shove the guy away. I've never actually competed in a martial arts fight, but I'm pretty sure no one's ever been hurt by getting two flat palms to the chest. Two palms to the neck or two palms to the face might hurt someone, but no one's ever been hurt by being shoved in the chest. If they were, than they were an old person on life support dying in a hospital somewhere. And if that's the case you have bigger problems than a lack of fighting skills you murdering bastard.


That little digitized kick cracks me up every time.


I must also note that these fights are actually pretty long, lasting 2 to 3 minutes per fight *sometimes longer* unless you are absolutely perfect. The Fire Warlord is a black dude with sick dreadlocks, and he sure laughs a lot for someone who's getting his ass kicked. Fire Warlord starts off wielding a flaming stick. How the fuck am I supposed to dodge this? I don't control where I move, so all I can do is block. That's right; I'm supposed to block fire with my hands. Please, try that out sometime *but don't sue me*; see how far you get in life. Fire Warlord then says something along the lines of "I am ashamed to fight such a flour eating coward." Wait, what the fuck? Was that supposed to be racist? I am absolutely flabbergasted that the black dude in dreadlocks just told me that I am a flour eating coward. I'm not offended, I'm in stitches. After dominating the Fire Warlord for another few minutes, the fight ends with me kicking him in the grill and him falling back in slow motion. He then gives me his mask. "Thanks but no thanks, I don't want your feathery piece of shit. I have no use for something that actually makes me worse off in battle. I already have a handicap standing next to me in this girl who is ‘too injured' to fight."

The Earth level consists of fighting people in ridiculously flamboyant costumes with green face paint. There's no hiding that they're gay either. If I saw people like this in real life, I'd assume I was on a pleasure cruise. The Earth Warlord tells me his mask will come in handy. Yeah Warlord, it will come in handy on Halloween. The Wind level is a lot more interesting, since the Wind Warlord actually spins around pretending to fly during the fight. Then again, if I could fly *or snorted 50 yards of Columbian cocaine so I think I could fly*, I'd be fucking flying all day long. That shit wouldn't get old *at least not until the cocaine overdose wore off*. I swear as soon as I'm done with this Wind Warlord I'm going to shove his gay pride flag right up his ass.

After defeating all 3 Warlords, we cut back to Kai, who's still sitting on his ass. Thanks for the help bitch. Once I defeat Fang Tu your ass is going in a retirement home. Kai tells me it's time for the final showdown, and I leave to go to Fang Tu's lair. Fang Tu's lair is apparently a fucking fire pit, since there's god damned fire painted all over the walls while an actual fire is going on behind Fang Tu. Fang Tu is sitting on his ass of course, confident his random henchmen can beat me. Yeah, your 3 best Warlords couldn't beat me in a fight, but fucking Johnny over there fresh out of terrorism camp is going to end my reign of ass kicking.


Yeah, you can fly. Now shut up and take another hit before it starts to wear off.


After disposing of Johnny, it's finally time for the final showdown against Fang Tu. Can we please fight somewhere cooler than inside of your studio? I'm sure painting the floor and walls like they are fire sounded cool at the time, but like your fucking haircut, it's just an eyesore. The fight with Fang Tu seems like it lasts for 20 fucking minutes, and consists of the exact same moves that made up the other fights. Hold block in the correct position, wait for Fang Tu to mess up, roundhouse kick him in the face, use special power, kick him again, and repeat.

The fight with Fang Tu ends with you roundhouse kicking Fang Tu in the face 5 times, which is enough to put down anyone. Not even Chuck Norris could withstand 5 skull piercing roundhouse kicks in succession. I don't blame Fang Tu for giving up. You then take the other half of the mask back, and lock Fang Tu in a cage. I'd assume that he's going to be put to death, but the game ends without any conclusion other than Kai and the bitch that was too injured to fight congratulating me. You know guys, you didn't do jack shit, and honestly I would end you if given the option by the game. Holy shit! I take that back, that dumb bitch just put both halves of the mask on me. I'm going to take over the fucking world now. Well I would, except for the game ends before I could go all Darth Vader on their ass.


You stay out of China you dammed Mongolian Warriors.



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-B3yond the Report by Mark Salmela. I'mmmm baaaaack!

-The Full Circle by Joe Roche. I was going to make a joke about Joe Roche sexually harassing old people, but Joe Roche is going to play Target Terror. You've been spared this week Mr. Roche.

-Nintendophiles by Theo Fraser. If the DSi starts releasing old Gameboy games on DSi Ware I will actually buy a DSi. If not, screw crappy cameras, my launch DS fat is just fine thank you.

-Want to hear more about Target Terror? Be sure to read Games Top 5 by Todd Vote.

-In case you missed last week's edition on Bram Stoker's Dracula, be sure to check it out here.

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Well that's it for Supreme Warrior. Supreme Warrior is a game that I will never be able to beat on my own. I have never actually reached the final level on my own without cheating, so much props to anyone who can actually beat Supreme Warrior without cheating. Actually I take that back, anyone who can beat Digital Picture's Sega CD games on their own should be put to death, because they're not human. Supreme Warrior is the only first person fighting game that I've ever seen, and for good reason. If it wasn't for the comedy factor, Supreme Warrior would suck. It's impossible to tell when to attack versus when to block, and I dread seeing what a multiplayer first person fighting game would look like.

I hope everyone enjoyed the column. Supreme Warrior was part of a package deal that I recently picked up online for about $20. Other games that I got include NFL's greatest rivalries *which I doubt I'll make a column on since it's not very interesting*, The Masked Rider *will make a column on in the future*, and Mighty Morphing Power Rangers *will do column on in the future*. The current video game scene is completely dry, and there isn't anything interesting coming out in the next couple of months. That means it's time for me to pick up another retro console, which will fit in with my tradition of buying a new video game console every spring. Two years ago I bought my own Sega CD *and started my love of full motion video games*, and last year I bought a Sega Saturn *I fell in love with NiGHTS, Guardian Heroes, and Panzer Dragoon Saga*. This year I plan on picking up a 32X, unless of course you guys can suggest something better below in the comments section *I do want a TurboGrafx 16*. Anyways I'm starting to ramble. Please be sure to leave me feedback by either submitting a comment below or sending me an email at [e-mail]. I read and appreciate all the feedback. I'll cya in 7!