What If? 04.08.09: Week 12 - FRIENDS Shooter

Posted by Greg Bruno on 04.08.2009

What if Joey from FRIENDS got his hands on some weaponry? What if Sony were up for sale? Greg Bruno and the 411 Staff have your answers in the latest edition of What If?



Ah, you're back. I'd thought you would have long forgotten about us by now. Why? Well, for one thing, you never call. I sit at home all day thinking of these questions for you and what do I get in return? Not even a "Thank you"! You could take me out to dinner sometime, you know. Would that kill you? Never mind, I'm sorry. I can't quit you. Well, maybe I could quit Travis.

But then I'd be out of a fan base.

So, let's do this thing.

Todd Vote writes "The Top 5". If you love Target Terror, then the Top 5 is the column for you. Also, on a more serious note, he would like to inform everyone to get out there and be the damn consumers I know you can be.

Armando Rodriguez didn't send me a bio so I now get to make one up for him. Armando is working on a top secret government project code named "How is Greg Bruno so awesome and how can we duplicate it so that I (Armando) can one day be as awesome as Mr. Bruno". Testing, thus far, has proven futile.

Greg Bruno writes The Gamer Girlfriend and What If? Check back next week for a brand new Gamer Girlfriend to see Andi's impressions of…well…I can't just give that away. Hint: It has a number "3" in it.


What if there was a F.R.I.E.N.D.S. first person shooter?

Todd Vote
Right... Well you would of course have a selection of playing as our favorite friend each with unique attacks and abilities. The object would be to save Rachel from that creepy coffee shop stalker, Gunther. That fuckin guy has kidnapped Rachel and it is up to the Friends to get her back. And just for Mr Salmela, and because Target Terror = Ratings, why don't we do this live action rail shooter style?

Armando Rodriguez:
I have never seen Friends before, so I will go with the basics here. It will a) be seen from the first-person b) Include guns and weapons of mass destruction c) Involve the killing of B- actors and d) Try to be funny. It has all the makings of a by-the-numbers bad game, so it will probably sell a few million copies and will be hailed by Mark Salmela as the Target Terror killer and the best FPS of all time.

Greg Bruno
Putting a gun in the hands of Matt LeBlanc as Joey would be the best idea to come out of a first person shooter since the Cerebral Bore. He's just so silly, that Joey! He wouldn't even realize he'd massacred Ross and his lesbian wife. Oh, and wouldn't you know it! There go Chandler's knee caps flying just a little further than his career ever did! Sure, the point would be to save Rachel. Everyone knows that she's too dumb to save herself. I definitely see a Phoebe plot twist in there somehow.

Side note: I refuse to mention Target Terror or Mark Salmela in this answer. It's no one's business what happens in his basement besides him and the local Police Dept.

What If Sony's gaming division was put up for sale?

Todd Vote
There would be a collective whimper heard all across the internet. But seriously, this would never happen. Even if Sony got out of the console race, I could see them going to route of Sega and just producing video games. There is too much money in this industry for Sony to ever get out completely.


Armando Rodriguez:
I could answer that one in one sentence: It would make EA a lot richer! But since I am required to at least show some effort, I will elaborate a bit more. If the gaming division was up for sale, it means Sony is abandoning the gaming industry once and for all. There is just no other way, because I refuse to believe they will make consoles without any first-party gaming support. EA, with their gazillion dollars collected by selling the same Madden every year with a different number attached to it, would swoop in and buy it, entering the console making business. Imagine a world with all EA Sports titles as exclusive to one system? Trust me, people would buy it only for Madden!

Greg Bruno
Then they might see some money. HEY-YO!

Seriously though, if just Sony's gaming division were up for grabs we'd probably see Microsoft whip that heavy wallet out faster than it will take for the Cubs to blow it this year. DOUBLE HEY-YO!


What if Nintendo declared it would begin making PC games?

Todd Vote
I'm actually stumped on this one. I'm not, nor have I ever been a PC gamer. But we could finally get that Mario MMORPG that everyone has been clamoring for... The game would destroy WoW as far as users go. Half the world would shut down due to Mario Madness.

Armando Rodriguez:
That's not too farfetched an idea. The PC gaming market is full of casual games and since Nintendo is all about the casual market, it could happen. I can see it now: Yoshi's Feeding Xtravaganza (a copy of Feeding Frenzy) Mario's Italian Restaurant Dash (a copy of Dinner Dash) and yet another Bejeweled imitator of some sort. Or they could go the extra mile and create some sort of wireless "WiiMotionPlus" enabled mouse and sell us cheap rehashes of bad Wii games! Actually, this sounds like a fool-proof business plan.

Greg Bruno
This could be an interesting turn of events. If Nintendo went into the PC market, we'd see all sorts of ridiculous, innovative (at the time) games come our way. Of course, the only thing people would even remotely care about would be Mario Paint PC. Honestly, you wouldn't even need to advertise it. That game would sell itself. I'm still waiting for my phone call, Mr. Myamoto.

What if you could re-write the ending to any game? What game and what changes?

Todd Vote
Most recently, I would rewrite the end of F.E.A.R. 2. THe game was fun enough, and it really did have an interesting story. I'm just not happy with the way it ended. *SPOILERS AHEAD*

The game is spent building to a fight between your character and the main baddie, Alma. Well this is all fine and well, except the player never gets the big payoff battle. You are left fighting some soldier in the spirit world while Alma rides your nuts and apparently gets herself knocked up with your seed. Thats it. The game ends with a now late term pregnancy Alma getting off your johnson and thats it.

If I was to redo the ending you would get the fight you were craving throughout the whole game. You would get to fight Alma instead of being celestially raped by her.

Armando Rodriguez:
I would probably re-write the ending to any of the last batch of horrible Sonic games. I would make Robotnik (That's his name, not the stupid Eggman name, screw you Sega) kill Sonic is a slow, painful way and then eat his brain or something. Anything that means "Sonic is dead" and we never get another awful game ever again.

On second thought, I could re-write the ending of any Harry Potter game to the same thing. Anything that screams "Harry Potter is dead".

Greg Bruno
I would re-write the ending to Sonic the Hedgehog 2 to have him die a death from which there could be absolutely no logical return. I would have all 16-Bits of him ripped apart and force fed to Tails. Once Tails chokes on Sonic's shoe, we could then light the remains on fire. Those remains would have to be poured into a cement mixer, so that no DNA could be extracted to create another mutant Hedgehog.

But honestly, isn't this how we all feel when a new Sonic game comes out, anyway?

*Note: I did not read Armando's answers before writing my own. That's how this works. Just further proof that the Sonic games really ARE that bad now.

As usual, leave your own What If? questions below to be featured in an upcoming edition. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to figure out how the hell to get out of Mark Salmela's basement.