The 411 Games Top 5 04.13.09: Week 7 - The Useless Video Game Characters Edition

Posted by Mark Salmela on 04.13.2009

This week the 411 Games crew is joined by a few special guests as they put together a list of the most useless characters in video game history. Does Target Terror actually have any useless characters? Read on to find out.

Editor's Note: Guess who's back? Back again. Salmela's back, tell a friend. Welcome to Games Top 5 everyone. I am your host Mark Salmela, because Todd Vote partied a little too hard on Easter. I think he's in jail for raping a monkey or something, I don't know. But with Todd out of commission this gives me the perfect opportunity to complete part 3 of my hostile takeover. Just so everyone knows I tried to name this column "The Useless Edition" but for some reason it didn't fly with the higher ups.

Just as I did with Three Player Co-Op I will be adding comments to everyone's list. To make sure you know it's me the comments will be italicized and will have "Editor's Note" next to it. Just like Todd does I will be handing out points, but this time it will be done right. So sit back, relax, grab your favorite beverage, and enjoy the show!

SUPER BANNER GO!



Boo-Yah!


Editor's Note: This week we're going to start off with 411's resident female games writer, because quite frankly, she played the gender card… There's not much I can do when Joe Roche threatens me with lawsuits…

Alexandra Pusateri

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The Police in Grand Theft Auto – Just run over some women and head over to the highway. God, I wish they were like that in real life. I wouldn't have three tickets and two misdemeanors – one of which I got from searching for "how do you castrate someone" on Google. They found Hard Candy in my house and burned copies of Target Terror and Spectral Force 3. Yeah, who's side am I on again?

Editor's Note: For those unaware Mr. Lansdell thinks that Spectral Force 3 is a more enjoyable game than Target Terror. I haven't heard something that insane since the announcement of a Street Fighter movie revolving around Chun-Li. 50 points for mentioning Target Terror, minus 25 points for putting it on the same level as an RPG.

5. Cortana from the Halo series – What does she do again? Someone tell me. Oh, right, she gives the backstory. And she's hot. And it's hinted that she's the love interest of Master Chief.
Thanks for that, Bungie.

Editor's Note: When did a digitized computer model become hot? Minus 10 points for putting dirty thoughts into my head.

4. Aeris from Final Fantasy VII – Why even bother getting her stats up before she abruptly leaves? Aeris is used as a mere tear-jerker to appeal to your adolescence. She didn't even get hot until Advent Children.



3. James from Fallout 3 – Wow, just wow. The only thing James was good for was being sexy (thank you, Liam Neeson). Thanks for being one step ahead of me – always.

2. The Advisors from SimCity – I never followed what anyof these assholes said. I just did my own thing and I got along just fine. I need to increase taxes for roads? Fuck you, how about raising taxes for my sweet-ass statue?

1. That Fucking Owl from Zelda 64 – This is all that needs to be said.


Matt Short

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Brad Vickers (Resident Evil series) - The minute the opening cut scenes of Resident Evil are over, you can't stop cursing Vickers until the end of the game. Here's a guy who is the crack pilot for the elite S.T.A.R.S. Alpha team and when his team needs a quick pick-up he takes off like a pussy condemning you to a walk around a house full of zombies and solve puzzles that were created by a schizophrenic. Here's a character that even the developers realized no one liked so they went out of their way to make him a zombie in RE2 for you to kill and then gave him a gruesome death in RE3 at the hands of Nemesis. He only doesn't make my main list because he does help you kill the Tyrant at the end of the first game, but aside from that the guy is dead weight.

Editor's Note: So you're saying he's more useful and relevant to the story than Sheva?

5.Kevin Smith (Killer7) - All the alternate personalities of Killer7 were fun as hell to play as, save for Kevin. And it's a shame because his design was fairly interesting. Here's a guy who just so happens to be a gray hunchback who hurls knives and can turn invisible. Not bad powers at all, too bad the guy was completely useless. His invisibility power didn't work well at all in trying to avoid enemies since they stood on the track you had to follow anyway. It was only used once to solve a puzzle in the game as well. I ended up never using him due to him having helpful powers and a weak knife attack. Though that's only a minor gripe in an otherwise great game.

4. Will (Illusion of Gaia) - Good lord, what a useless main character. I loved Illusion of Gaia, but it was because of the fact that your main character could transform into fighters who weren't completely useless in combat. Will was the main character, but he was also the weakest of the three possible forms you could have. He fought with a purple flute and the game seemed to relish rubbing it in your face that you were weak as hell going into combat. All you had going for you was speed, which really was just meant to help you run from enemies fast enough to find a place to transform. I remember cheering every time I found the Dark Spaces where you could change and no longer have to bear the indignity of whacking demons with a musical instrument.

3.Vic Viper (Gradius series) - The Gradius games have forever been a thorn in my side. One of the first games I ever had for my Super Nintendo was Gradius III and to this day it remains one of my favorite games if I'm feeling particularly masochistic. The space ship, Vic Viper, might be the most useless piece of high tech crap in the galaxy. It falls apart in a single hit! If you were going to send a single space ship against an entire empire of horrible mutant hell-beasts, can we maybe not get one that's quite as flimsy? And if there isn't a sturdier model available, how about sending more than one?

2.Fred Durst (Fight Club) - I walked into a game store one and asked the clerk which game he thought was the worst they had in stock. He immediately handed me Fight Club and boy was he right about it sucking. Just to compound the moronic nature of the game, Fred Durst is an unlockable character for some reason. I can't fathom why, because his inclusion in the game was about as relevant as he currently is to pop culture. Unlocking him wasn't even worth the mild thrill of beating the shit out of him.

Editor's Note: Keep Rollin', Rollin', Rollin' with 25 points.



1.Ashley Graham (Resident Evil 4) - I have a special dislike for her, no matter how much I love RE4. There's always something annoying about escort missions in general, but Ashley was a special brand of horrible. Yeah, the character you're guarding usually finds a way to get in your line of fire. And do everything in their power to make sure they got caught. But again, Ashley just had a special way about it. Like turning to shoot behind you and her response time would always lag and she'd be shot. Or the way she was always near an explosive. Or the way she just kept getting caught over and over again throughout the game, just making your life harder. But at the same time, her abductions were like having the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders. What a total load.

Editor's Note: I totally agree. The President's daughter was completely useless. 15 points.


Adam Larck

HONORABLE MENTIONS

John Madden - This is the only game I play where I have to mute the announcers, or at least his voice. Call it NFL Football or something else, but just shut Madden up!

Editor's Note: BOOM! Minus 25 points for attacking the legend behind Tough Actin' Tinactin.



Cait Sith - This guy is so bad in FF VII I don't know where to start. So many better characters could have been designed, but instead, we get him. I'll take one less character any day, just get rid of him.

5.Raiden - What a big letdown he was. Metal Gear Solid 2 was set to be a great game, and then Raiden had to stick his nose in the game. While MGS 2 was still good, Konami should have stuck with what worked good before, Solid Snake.

Editor's Note: Well, at least it wasn't Solid Snake running around naked. I don't think I could handle a naked dude with a mullet running around. 20 points.

4.Miis/Avatars - A great waste of space on hard drives. That's what these digital avatars remind me of. People waste so much time with these when they aren't even able to be a use in any decent games. Yes, I know the 360 has some arcade games that use them and Wii has Wii Sports, but until they have a big effect on a big retail title, I stand by my statements.

Editor's Note: 100% agreed. Avatars are retarded. 30 points.

3.Dan Hibiki - Originally put in as a joke character, people starting to love using him. Still, I think he's the most useless character in Street Fighter (El Fuerte gave him a run for his money in SF IV though). Between his weak attacks (a fireball that shoots out a whole foot, and just very weak moves when compared to the character he's based off of, Ryu) and his damn attitude of showing off, I would rather see him become one of the forgotten parts of Street Fighter's history.

2.Support cast of Sonic Adventure - Since when did being just Sonic stop being enough? What made the original Sonic's great was that you controlled only him (or maybe Knuckles or Tails depending on the game). So why all the useless characters in Sonic Adventure? Big the Cat, Amy Rose, E-102 Gamma, none of these was needed. This just signified that things were starting to go downhill for Sonic. I could have done a whole Top 5 list over useless Sonic characters, but thought this grouping was bad enough.

Editor's Note: Amen brother! Keep preaching to the choir! 50 points for having a brain!

1.Navi - "Hey!" "Listen!" "Hey!" "Listen!" I'm sure all of us remember this annoyance from The Ocarina of Time. I don't care if she was helpful one time out of every 100, she could have at least been mute. A simple compass would point us in the right direction, without a voice continuing to talk to us. Thankfully, she hasn't made an appearance since.

Editor's Note: HEY LISTEN! Here's 10 points for saying it twice for emphasis.


Editor's Note: Next up is one of my new arch rivals around 411mania, Mr. Chris Lansdell. For whatever reason Mr. Lansdell finds bad RPGs funny. But no matter how hard he tries he will never be able to convince anyone that Spectral Force 3 is better than god's gift to gamers. Automatic RPG missile launchers Lansdell…

Chris Lansdell

Honorable Mentions:

The News Reporter (Target: Terror) - She'd be a lot higher, but I can't bring myself to give T:T a Top 5 for ANYTHING.

Editor's Note: How the hell did you get an advanced copy of my list? 50 points for mentioning Target Terror, but minus 10 points because I know you hate it.

Navi (Ocarina of Time) - The reason God invented mute buttons."HEY! LISTEN!" No. Fuck off. Go jump on the pointy end of a Triforce.

Editor's Note: Survey says? 20 points for a potential sexual reference.

5. Natalya (Goldeneye): OK she was hot (for a collection of pixels), but there was NOTING more annoying than going through that godforsaken jungle shooting up the joint and suddenly "JAMES!". Stupid slapper strayed significantly, subsequently she sustained shootings. Hells yeah, alliteration bitches! EVERY GOD DAMNED TIME she would wander off, and then you have to plow into crossfire to save her Russkie tooskie. Does she shoot back? Does she find you ammo or guns? Does she even rub your back and give you a happy ending? Does she bollocks.

Editor's Note: Don't hate the Russians. But Natalya was useless. 10 points.

4. Dan (Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo HD Remix): He drops red gems. Lots and lots of red gems. Scarlet stones setting significant situations...SHIT! Star stone stuns, say sayonara. The ONLY reason to play this pink-clad poseur pussy is to give yourself a handicap...kind of like the mental one you must have to actually think this guy is good.

Editor's Note: One of my friends is so bad at this game I actually picked Dan once and beat him with Dan.

3. Trick Blue (Spectral Force 3): It hurts me to include any character from the greatest game ever made (there go all my points for the week, as it's an RPG...), but dude is horrible. Oooh he can jump, yippee. His freaking specials allow you to steal an item...that you would have got anyway when you killed the bugger! And they don't even do much damage! Please. He's at the bottom of the character list for a reason. Oh, and alliteration gets old fast.

Editor's Note: Man you fucked up. Little did you know I was posting this week's Games Top 5. Let's see, Spectral Force 3 is garbage and unfunny, and RPG's suck. Minus 30 points.

2. Balrog (SFII Turbo): Seriously, does anyone ever play this Tyson wannabe? I must have slid the US national debt into the slot of this beast (Salmela knows all about that) as Chun Li, Ken and occasionally Vega, and I might have come across one guy who played Balrog...badly. I asked dude why he played Balrog. "Cos he kicks ass!" came the reply from the guy who just got double perfected by a GIRL playing freaking BLANKA. FAIL. He can't even kick you dumbass retainer-wearing virgin!

Editor's Note: Wait what?

1. Toad (Mario 1): "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!" FUCK YOU MUSHROOM HEAD! Like, just give me your hat, I can om nom nom it when I next suffer shrinkage. The cockblocking little albino Smurfs serve no purpose other than to piss me off royally. Maybe you could, oh I dunno, TELL ME WHICH CASTLE? No, that would be too easy. Unlike the others on this list, Toad serves ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE.

Editor's Note: Let the anger flow through you Lansdell. Then again I would hate myself if I actually thought Spectral Force 3 was funny. 5 points.




Editor's Note: Finally, my list! I wonder where Target Terror will fit in.

Mark Salmela

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Sheva from Resident Evil 5 - Who the hell is this bitch? I am an expert on Resident Evil, and there are so many people in the Resident Evil franchise that could have been used in place of Sheva it's not even funny. Am I the only one who remembers that Chris has a sister? What would have been so bad having a brother/sister combo with Chris and Claire teaming up? I laughed when all of these journalists who reviewed RE5 kept talking about how RE5 wrapped up the story completely. Apparently Claire doesn't exist anymore. But then again there's a lot more wrong with Resident Evil 5 than the absence of one of the series' main characters.

5.) Mr. Dream - Everyone knows Tyson is the real monster of Punch-Out. Mr. Dream is a piece of garbage. There are two things desperately missing from the new Punch-Out. Mario as the referee and Mike Tyson winking provocatively at you.

4.) The Laser in Contra - Contra is one of my favorite NES games. But the spreader is far and away the most superior gun ever. The laser on the other hand is the worst gun in the game. It's worse than the default pistol. I go out of my way to make sure I don't end up with the Laser. I'll take my chances, thanks Contra.

3.) Princess Zelda/Princess Peach - These two princesses have one thing in common. They are teases, and they haven't done a damn thing. Seriously, what does Peach do? What does Zelda do? The only thing either of them ever does is getting their ass in trouble and getting captured, forcing Mario and Link to go on a life-threatening journey to save them. How dumb do you have to be to get captured by the same guy half a dozen times? And you can't even put out for the guy who saved your life on multiple occasions? If some heroine saved my life and saved me from being raped by evil I'd put out, even if they were fat or have elf ears.

2.) The local TV broadcaster from Target Terror - Every time you start a mission this bitch pops up and describes the current situation. I could complain on how bad her acting skills are, but I actually prefer them this way. But the fact is that this bitch is standing between me and my automatic grenade launcher, and there are terrorists begging to be burned alive by my hands. This filthy hoe needs to shut up, die, and let me unleash my vengeance upon the world. Storylines are for people who suck at video games.

1.) Anyone from Sonic the Hedgehog not named Sonic - Seriously, I'm not into furies, stop flaunting Rouge the Bat's chest at me all the time. If I ever see the guy who created Big the Cat, Omega, Shadow, Princess Sally, Rouge, Silver, Blaze, Cream, Chip, or anyone after Knuckles I will rip out their spine and choke them with their own spinal cord. I hate you Sonic Team, I hate you with every bone in my body for what you've done to my childhood.



Editor's Note: How many asshole's can you fit on one screen?



Editor's Note: Well that's it for this week's edition of Games Top 5. The point totals this week are as follows: Alexandra with 15, Matt with 40, Adam with 85, and Lansdell with 45. Congratulations Adam Larck for dominating this week's Games Top 5! As for Mr. Lansdell, I hope to see more of you in the future. Now that the Robbins brothers are dead I'm going to need a new rival besides Joe Roche. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the comments section to post my weekly bitching to Todd about being screwed over in the points total. In the mean time, here's Todd's bonus video of the week. Cya next week *Todd will be back*


Bonus video of the week: I Bagged a Noob (Hilarious!)