Games Only a Mother Could Love 04.21.09: The Masked Rider (Sega CD)

Posted by Mark Salmela on 04.21.2009

It says right here on the box “Sci-Fi Action Thriller!” What more could you want out of the Japanese?

Welcome back everyone. I am your host Mark Salmela, and I have had a terrible week. Yesterday I went to a local speed dating event, and I went 0 for 20. That's right, 0 percent of the women knew about Target Terror. What a waste of time that was… Anyways, this week we're going to look at one of the weirdest games I've ever played. The Masked Rider was a character who debuted in a Power Rangers episode, and in an attempt to milk the Power Rangers franchise, they gave him his own show. The Masked Rider never actually made mention of the Power Rangers, but the show looked a hell of a lot like Power Rangers, except a lot weirder *which I didn't think was possible*. The game itself is based off the movie the Masked Rider: Kamen Rider Zo. If you've seen the movie than get the fuck out of this column, because you've never seen sunlight in your life. The Masked Rider plays out as an actual movie with the occasional button press at crucial moments to continue the story. So without further adieu, let's kick some ass.





The Masked Rider: Kamen Rider Zo (1994)




The Masked Rider starts off with some crazy introduction that shows some random Japanese dude tied up in vines. I'm actually glad that they just dove right into it, because I don't care how imaginative you are, there is absolutely no way to explain how this random Japanese dude got here. You crazy Japanese and your tree branch fetishes. There's also a bike floating in the air, making me wonder whether or not I'm actually watching the Wizard of Oz, with crazy tree fetishes thrown in to appeal to the Japanese. Oh wait, what was I thinking, it's actually the god dammed terminator from T2, as everything metal in this junk yard just magically turned to liquid and formed some crazy bug dude.

This crazy bug monster also has Predator vision, which totally blows my mind. How many other 80's action movie tie-ins can we have? Terminator, Predator, what's next? Eraser? "You've just been… erased." Oh god dammit why did I have to start shit, the damn thing has the Alien mouth. That teaches me to fuck with copyright laws.


Here's part 1 of the Masked Rider. I could only find videos of the game in Japanese, so you're missing out on the terrible English voice acting and bad translations.


Anyways the Beetle monster flies away, and we cut back to Liu Kang still tied up in tree branches. Boy is he going to regret last night when he wakes up… Some weird baby music starts playing, and Liu Kang starts acting like Jesus and rises from a glowing light. Jesus Christ, I get that the Masked Rider is the hero, you don't have to shine a divine light on him. After showing some random bugs and insects, the Masked Rider finally gets off his lazy ass and the game can begin.

The game begins with 3 little kids walking on a sidewalk, and I kid you not, 2 of them are voiced by 50 year old adults. That's right, the translation budget for this piece of crap was so low that they couldn't even find actual children to voice these 9 year old Chinese boys. It does make for one of the funniest videos I've ever seen. There's actually a health bar for the one boy who's not voiced by an old dude, making me think the other two boys are going to attempt to rape him *or fight him, whichever keeps me from getting in trouble*.

Oh shit Beetlejuice is here, and he's using his predator vision to focus in on the kid. I bet this will go over well, he probably just wants to hug him. A little ball floats down and scares the little boy, and the first set of button presses begins as I have to escape the little floating ball. Now I'm not 8 years old anymore, but I think I could take a little floating ball in a fight. But then again I would fight Mike Tyson if given the chance.


This summer, the movie that is too hot for theaters. Patrick Swayze is: The Masked Rider.


After the most boring chase scene in history through a parking lot the ball crashes into a car. Let's see how friendly that damn gecko selling car insurance is now. Oh wait, in my pitiful attempt at comedy I beat the level. That was quick. The second level picks up right where the first left off, with Beetle master grabbing the kid. Holy shit the Masked Rider just drove through a brick wall on a motorcycle. AMERICA FOR THE WIN! Oh shit Predator is pissed now, and it's time to get it on. Masked Rider isn't fucking around with this whole "story" shit those crazy Americans use, we're just going to kick ass. Imagine how awesome Predator would be without any story, just 90 minutes of Arnold fighting Predator.

While we're in Predator vision some random professor starts talking about the Masked Rider as if he's god. Well we're in Predator vision, is the professor good or evil? And if he's supposed to be good why the hell is he talking to the giant Beetle? "Oh hey evil doer, want to know everything about the only good guy on this Earth who could stop you? Here you go. Oh, and I hope you lose you bad bug." Thanks professor. Then again I'm the one playing as the Masked Rider and I didn't know a damn thing about him either. Well in all fairness, the only thing I knew about Mario was that he wanted some pussy from a princess *whether she was going to give it willingly or not*, and that game is universally celebrated.

At some point in all this awesomeness Beetlejuice got his arm chopped off, but it doesn't really matter, since he can just regenerate another one Terminator 2 style. The fight finally begins after a lot of awkward staring, and despite pressing the right buttons the Masked Rider gets kicked through another wall. Ok seriously, I just drove through a damn wall on a motorcycle and didn't feel a thing, but now I'm almost dead? Not to mention that every time I press the right button the Beetle's health goes down, which is weird since I'm the one who got kicked through the wall.


Fuck you downtown Japan!


After some badly choreographed dancing that looks like fighting, the little Japanese boy finally grows a brain and starts running for his life. The Masked Rider is seriously getting his ass kicked here, so the Japanese boy has the right idea. Beetlejuice tosses the Masked Rider off a building right in front of the Japanese boy, but the Japanese boy is too frightened to do anything. There's your hero kid. Aren't you glad you got stuck with the lamest hero you've ever seen? Aquaman would be more help here, and they aren't even close to water.

The Masked Rider picks up the little boy and flies off *and by flies off, I mean clearly floats off on a zip line* while Beetlejuice follows *also on an obvious zip line*. After electrocuting Beetlejuice, the Masked Rider gets on his bike and rams into Beetlejuice. Oh shit, the Masked Rider doesn't know how to break and just drove off the building with Beetlejuice on the front of the bike. "Fuck you Beetlejuice" is what I imagine the Masked Rider said as he knocks Beetlejuice off his bike and Beetlejuice gets pierced by a giant spike in a water fountain. I'd go into detail about how there's no way a spike would just be chilling in a water fountain, but at this point all logic has gone out the door. Eat your heart out Evel Knievel, you don't have shit on the Masked Rider and his ability to drive off a three story building and land perfectly.


Part 2 of the Masked Rider in Japanese.


That is the end of chapter 2, and the next section begins with the little boy running into a Japanese dude on a motorcycle with a leather jacket on. That little kid is wearing some serious short shorts, and I am totally calling that guy out as a rapist. The biker starts asking the little boy his name, and the little boy starts running again. That little kid knows how to run. You then take control of the potential rapist, and are given 3 random options, with my choice being to investigate a house. I will add that the biker in a leather jacket looks exactly like Shenmue, which will be his name from now on. Shenmue breaks into the basement, solidifying his status as a rapist. Before breaking into the house it gave me the option to leave, which I should have taken. Imagine how awesome that would be in a movie. "Alright I'm going to enter the house. Oh wait it's locked, fuck it let's leave."

Shenmue enters what else, the basement, and things start getting creepy. Ok is this game trying to be an action game or a horror game? Either way it's not very interesting. Another set of options pop up, including "leave the house". You're god dammed right I'm leaving the house, nothing good can come from searching this creepy basement any further. It's actually quite funny as the second you click leave the house it cuts back to Shenmue riding his motorcycle. That was quick and totally destroys the horror genre. How come no one in any movie can do something so simple like getting the fuck out? Your house is haunted? Big fucking deal, leave you bastard. You don't have to live there. I'm sure there are dozens of other idiots waiting to buy the house without actually looking at it like you did. Just out of curiosity I watched the video which I'm including in this column to find out what happens if you don't leave the house like a pussy, and all that happens is Shenmue discovers he's the Masked Rider. Well holy fuck what a surprise. Does he fall into a coma every time he turns into the Masked Rider? Hasn't he noticed he turns into a giant bug at random times?

Again, screw logic. I just want to finish this game. After investigating the house the little kid finds his grandpa, and tells him aliens are after him. The grandpa tells him he's full of shit, which is honestly what I'd do in the same situation. "What grandson? Giant aliens are after you? Well good luck, you shouldn't be out fucking with aliens anyways. Go play baseball and get some friends like a normal boy your age."


On the left, Beetlejuice. On the right, a rapist.


After some more random and pointless dialogue the little boy finds some Japanese guys and one girl in Karate uniforms, while Shenmue follows close behind. I can't believe this was released in America, Shenmue is totally a rapist. The little boy tells the Karate masters that Shenmue is out to touch him inappropriately, which leads to the obvious confrontation between "good guys". Shenmue tries to explain that he doesn't want the little boy sexually, but instead he's his father. Well he didn't actually get to say he was his father, because a giant bat has arrived. That's right, the Masked Rider is about to fight a giant bat.

The fight doesn't really even get underway as after one good punch the bat is dead. But while Shenmue was off fighting the bat a tarantula monster teleports the little boy and some random girl into another dimension. The tarantula reveals itself as the spider queen, and is about to eat the Japanese boy. The spider queen starts spitting out white stuff at the little boy and the girl, which if the spider queen was a guy I'd totally call jizz. I know, I'm going to hell. But the white stuff turns out to be webbing, and before the spider queen can eat the little boy and girl the Masked Rider shows up. How the hell did he get into this random dimension? Once again this prompts another fight, and after three hits it's over and spider queen is dead.

Alright, I really can't go on anymore, this shit is too fucked up. The Masked Rider is a terrible game, and is a movie that is just plain bad. It's not even so bad it's funny like Wirehead and other Sega CD games. I had plans for talking about the rest of the game, but as you could probably tell by my coverage of the last few paragraphs, I just don't care anymore. For those who want to see the rest of the Masked Rider in Japanese I'm including the videos below, but I am totally done with this game. The novelty and humor wore off after the first fight with Beetlejuice.


Part 3 of the Masked Rider.



Part 4 of the Masked Rider.


Well that's it for me this week everyone. I didn't expect this game to be so bad. The first ten minutes of the game was laughably bad, but after that, the story just got stupid. The Masked Rider: Kamen of Zo is a game best forgotten about, and it's not really worth tracking down. There is a Mighty Morphing Power Rangers game for the Sega CD which is much better, and I plan on doing a column about it in the near future. In the mean time keep reading and feel free to leave feedback by either submitting a comment below or by sending an email to [e-mail]. I read all of your feedback and really appreciate it. Thanks for reading, I'll cya in 7!

Edit: Just so everyone knows I wrote this column a few weeks ago before I took B3yond the Report back. I will be putting this column on hiatus after next week until I have some free time. Finals are quickly approaching, and I will be downsizing my work around here to just B3yond the Report. I don't have a whole lot of games left to discuss anyways. Maybe eventually I'll do Power Rangers and Double Switch, but I'll finish up for now next week with Wirehead.