Games Only a Mother Could Love 04.28.09: Wirehead (Sega CD)
Posted by Mark Salmela on 04.28.2009
This movie was so bad that they turned it into a video game. Of course I had to play it!
Edit: As I will discuss below this will be the last edition of Games Only a Mother Could Love for the foreseeable future.
Welcome back everyone to another edition of Games Only a Mother Could Love. I am your host Mark Salmela, and I have an incurable addiction to full motion video games. In case you're a first time reader to this column, I love video games that make use of real time video and use actual people in their games *like Mortal Kombat*. Most people only know of Night Trap, but the Sega CD is full of amazing games just like it. Hell, most people don't even know Night Trap has a sequel *although unrelated in story and characters*. But this isn't about Double Switch, because this week we're going to talk about one of my favorite Sega CD games, Wirehead. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!
Wirehead (1993)
While I cannot say for a fact, I am pretty much positive that Wirehead was a movie so bad that the creators turned it into a video game. Wirehead isn't a video game in any way except for inputting a button response from time to time. There isn't really any hint as to what button you press, you usually just press up, down, left, or right and watch what happens on your TV. And in case you haven't already guessed, 3 of the 4 button responses means death.
Wirehead stars Ned 'Wirehead' Hubbard as he goes on a wacky adventure while trying to avoid government agents. I don't really know what a Wirehead is, but I'm assuming he's some sort of terminator, since everyone and their mother is out to kill him. Wirehead has some sort of electronic device on his head, but no one outside of the government agents seem to notice. Seriously, wouldn't the stewardess notice that someone on the plane has a giant antenna sticking out of his head? I thought airports threw hissy fits about people using electronic devices on a plane. I guess I am wrong.
Part 1 of 4 for Wirehead.
What makes Wirehead so great is how completely ridiculous and over the top the game actually is. I've seen some crazy stuff in movies before, but there is no possible way that Wirehead could have possibly happened despite it being presented as real. Now I'm going to go on to play Wirehead and describe what's happening while giving commentary, but be forewarned that it's nowhere near as awesome as actually playing the game with your friends.
Wirehead starts off with Ned relaxing in his middle class home surrounded with what I can only assume are his kids, meaning that robots have seamen or something to that effect. I still haven't figured out what the electronic device on Ned's head is, so until I know for sure I'm just going to classify him as a terminator. Don't like it? Too bad, I'm not taking any more chances with cyborgs. Anyways, the game starts off with Ned receiving a video from Master Chung *some random Chinese dude* saying he was tortured. So what do you want me to do about it? Anyways, old Chinese dude says the government is out to kill Ned, because he's different than the rest of us.
How did a cyborg reproduce? Better yet, what self-respecting woman would settle for that guy?
As soon as the video ends, the doorbell rings. Convenient… Any who, Ned answers the door like a complete moron, not realizing he was just told to get the f out via VHS tape. Some giant dude with a mullet and his friend answer the door, claiming to be the FBI. This game must have taken place in the 1980's, because there's no way you'd find a government agent rocking a mullet now days. Ned soon realizes he better not fuck with a dude rocking a mullet, and tries to close the door on them. Smooth going Ned… Naturally the FBI agents put their foot in the door, and the first button prompt occurs. Anything other than the left button will have Ned fall on his ass before the FBI agents walk in and apprehend Ned, so you better start memorizing the correct button pattern.
The most boring chase ever ensures as Ned desperately tries to get out of his own house. I don't know about you guys, but I've properly prepared for every situation ever when it comes to people invading my house, and that includes zombies, so I'm already more qualified to be in this game than Ned. After escaping through the back door in his kitchen *good thinking Ned, I would have never thought to leave the house*, Ned grabs what else, a skateboard, and attempts to get away. Once again I'm apparently no expert on making quick getaways, but I wouldn't try to make a daring escape from the FBI on a skateboard, especially since they have a car. Ned skateboards down the driveway, and just like a total buffoon he skateboards down the sidewalk giving the FBI time to get into their cars, spot him, and catch up to him.
That's what you get for messing with a dude who rocks a mullet.
Here's where the button presses get ridiculous, as everyone in the neighborhood is conveniently out on their lawns doing something distracting that'll "conveniently" interfere when Ned passes by their house. Movers are carrying a couch along the sidewalk, some girl is selling lemonade in the middle of the sidewalk, and a car is backing up and stopping right in front of Ned. My favorite part is the couch movers, since you actually have to press forward and ram straight into the couch, because somehow you'll flip the couch over in the mover's hands and do a back flip sitting onto the couch, landing on your skateboard as it rode underneath. Sound ridiculous? It's even more ridiculous and improbable to watch.
Now since I'm posting a YouTube video along with my description, I'd like to note that the person playing the game went a different route than I did. He somehow launched himself off his skateboard and into the back of a jeep driven by some woman not totally scared or shocked that a dude randomly catapulted himself into her car and told her to drive away. I don't know about you, but if someone randomly fell into my car, I'd fucking stab them in the neck. Now I really want to see how this woman driver plans on outdriving a dude with a mullet. And being a woman driver, the woman somehow decides that the smartest course of action in getting away from the FBI would be to pull a 180 in a fucking jeep. The worst part? It somehow works as apparently the FBI is driving such a shity car that it breaks down from pulling a 180. I've tried to think up of some improbable and stupid situations before, but this one takes the cake.
It's just crazy enough to work. Oh wait, no, no it's not.
Either way, both the video and I end up at the airport as the FBI continues to follow Ned. How the FBI car manages to work again after breaking down is beyond me, but I'm not going to worry about that. Ned arrives at the airport and totally disobeys logic as he dives into the cargo check-in. There's no possible way that this would ever work, but of course, this is Wirehead, so the plane takes off without anyone reporting a human/cyborg in the cargo bay.
A stewardess finds Ned alone inside of the cargo bay in the pane, but avoids making a masturbation joke. "Sorry lady, I couldn't contain myself". After going to his seat, Ned makes a phone call to his wife, and the conversation goes something like this: "Honey, I miss your hot cyborg ass." "You humans have no control over your urges. Plus what the hell is up with paying $4 a minute for this phone call?" "What the fuck are you doing on a plane? Are you planning to leave me for that hussy next door?" "No human companion, the government is after me, and I need you to leave the kitchen for once in your life. Don't ask me how, but I'd be willing to bet that the government is already on this plane, so I need to go." Honestly, my inappropriate dialogue is better than the terrible excuse for acting that actually goes on in Wirehead.
In true bad movie fashion, some random woman appears next to Wirehead as he ends the phone call, and sits next to him *of course every seat on the plane is taken except for the one next to Ned*. Despite being an absolute fox, the woman is so bad at flirting that even I wouldn't fuck her, and I'm dying to join the mile high club. The stewardess informs her coworkers that a murderer might be on the plane, and she assumes that it's Ned.
The true face of a homicidal maniac.
Meanwhile, the woman trying to get into Ned's pants asks if he's Wirehead. Hmm, what gave me away? Was it the giant fucking antenna sticking out of my ear? The plane then goes into panic mode, and shit starts going down. The woman trying desperately to fuck Ned is suddenly out to kill him. Ned, the Einstein that he is, opens the fucking emergency exit in the plane and threatens to jump out. Realizing that he has no other choice, he grabs a hold of the inflatable raft *of course it's already inflated* and jumps out of the fucking plane. You read that right, Ned jumped out of a fucking plane carrying an inflatable raft. It works too, because Wirehead fucks every physics law in the book, and uses the raft as a parachute. He manages to land on a river using the raft as well, making Wirehead something so impossible that I wouldn't have even thought of such crazy shit in my dreams.
Ned talks to the camera saying that I'm good, which is fucking confusing since I'm not the one who just defied gravity and used a rubber raft as a parachute. But the ride is far from over, and Ned quickly realizes he's heading towards a waterfall. It is at this point I become convinced Ned is a walking cyborg, as the only way to live is to actually go off the waterfall where Ned somehow lands on a tree branch. What makes this game even better is that I'm convinced that the acting gets so good at this point that this was totally impromptu and that Ned is actually screaming at the camera crew to get him down before he falls to his death. Trust me, there's no way this movie had any sort of green screen or CG, this fucker was hanging by a tree branch.
That bear is going to have his way with you.
But of course the ride is still not over, as Ned gets off the tree branch to realize that there's a giant grizzly bear ten feet behind him madder than hell. I am deeply saddened that I have always inputted the right button press at this situation, because I've never actually seen if the bear eats Ned if you don't do this part right. In the correct scenario Ned plays dead and the bear just pushes him around for a minute before giving up. Either way this part is absolutely hysterical as Ned looks as if he'd just been raped by the bear as it leaves. He's face down in a pile of mud with his hair messed up, so I'm going to assume that a bear just tried to have anal sex with a cyborg.
Wirehead makes some great transitions, but none better than this as Ned somehow transports from face first in mud next to a waterfall to being in an old-fashioned western cowboy town, complete with revolving doors. Ned walks into a bar and puts some cowboy gear on, obviously trying to learn from the humans before killing them. It's a real party inside of the bar as people are randomly dancing and there's a rooster taking shots. I'm not joking either, there are animals getting drunk inside of a bar.
Part 2 of 4 for Wirehead.
Ned then tries to flirt with the locals, which is actually pretty humorous since these prostitutes are the only people with a brain in this entire game and see right through Ned as a fake. No way, you mean the guy with an antenna in his ear isn't normal? I would have never guessed. Ned quickly gets into trouble with the locals, and gets his ass knocked out and arrested for stealing someone's clothes. Oh wait, apparently he's framed for murder. Good call; better frame this terminator for something serious, we can't let this guy go on bail. I wish I lived in a town where I could knock a guy out and that guy gets arrested.
So now we move to the prison scene where Wirehead is trapped inside of a cell. Hey it could be worse, there could be a shower scene where a wrong button press means dropping the soap. Ned is apparently the only guy in prison in the whole town, since there's only one cell and he's the only one in it. Some random woman comes in and talks to Wirehead, and apparently the sheriff sitting 5 feet away from the woman can't hear her as she talks to Ned about escaping. The woman then tells the sheriff that Ned is going to die of thirst, while Ned does some of the worst acting ever. I'd honestly start laughing if I saw someone grab their throat in pain trying to say that they're dying of thirst.
As the deputy comes back with some water the woman trying to help Ned grabs the gun out of his pocket and tells the deputy to open the cell. The sheriff does the smart thing and pulls his gun out, but then realizes that he's a redneck and puts the gun down in defeat despite the woman not pointing the gun at him or talking to him at all. He could have just shot the gun out of the woman's hand since she's holding a giant revolver, but then again I'm apparently the idiot for suggesting such a thing. The woman then makes the two cops get into the cell and closes the door on them, but she doesn't actually lock them in. You know guys, she put the gun down and turned her back to you, you can put your hands down and come out of the cell now.
Part 3 of 4 for Wirehead.
Alright, I'm only about half-way through the game, but I can't take it anymore. Wirehead is a game that is honestly only fun for about 20 minutes, but after the bear scene the joke wears off. There's no save feature in Wirehead either, so you're honestly expected to sit through and beat the entire game in one sitting. I'm also stopping here because honestly I've never actually made it past the bar scene in cowboy-ville. You get 3 continues and each continue consists of about 6 lives where each incorrect button press results in a lost life. Let me remind you that there's no clue as to what button to press, so you're basically gambling as to whether or not you get your 25% odds at living each time you have to input a button. If you don't use a walkthrough the game is practically impossible, since there's no way you'll be so lucky as to beat the game on your first few attempts *and after that you'll probably give up from frustration like I did*.
I'm going to post the rest of the game in video form for those who are curious, but as I said before Wirehead is basically a huge joke that wears off after about 20 minutes. It's a hysterical 20 minutes that is even better when you watch/play with friends, but eventually you'll all grow bored of Wirehead and want to move on to something else like my friends and I do.
Even if you're bored of Wirehead at this point like I am, watch the first few seconds of this video, it's pretty damn funny. Anyways this is part 4 of 4 for Wirehead.
Wirehead is yet another full motion video game that I am glad that I picked up. I am pretty sure that I got this game for around $3 online, since I knew nothing about the game when I bought it other than it had a terrible name. I highly recommend picking up consoles that you never owned such as the Sega CD and Sega 32X, as I think you'll actually learn to appreciate the games for what they were. In my case all of the games are huge jokes, but I like them because I only paid around $5 for each of them, so I don't have to enjoy them for more than a half hour before I get my money's worth.
So with that said that's it for me everyone. Wirehead is an enjoyable Sega CD game that virtually nobody knows about, so hopefully I turned at least a few people on to this hidden gem *ok it's not a hidden gem, but it is a game no one remembers*. It is really hard to put games like Wirehead into words, so I did my best by giving commentary and providing videos to what's actually going on. Be sure to give feedback as to whether or not you want me to continue doing editions of Games Only a Mother Could Love like Wirehead, because there are other games that I could pretty much only review in this form. Otherwise, it's back to games like Target Terror *the sequel can't come soon enough*.
For those wondering I still plan on doing an edition of Games Only a Mother Could Love on Streets of Fury for the XNA, but that game still hasn't come out. It was supposed to be an XNA launch game in November yet I still have no idea when it's actually coming out. Anyways that's it for me this week, be sure to leave feedback to either marksalms@gmail.com or the comments section below. I'll be back sooner or later, cya!
Edit: As I've been mentioning for a couple weeks now this will be the last edition of Games Only a Mother Could Love. The column could return at some point, but due to me taking over B3yond the Report again I will no longer be writing this column. I just don't have the time for 2 columns, a job, school, and a social life. Streets of Fury was supposed to come out last November, so who knows if we'll ever actually see that game. If I were to return I'd do columns on Mighty Morphing Power Rangers, Double Switch *pseudo sequel to night Trap*, and Streets of Fury *assuming it actually comes out*. But for now the column is over. I've covered every game I wanted to. Here's the full list for anyone who's interested.
