What If? 05.20.09: Chief vs. T-Rex, Cannibalistic Cooking Mama and More

Posted by Greg Bruno on 05.20.2009

What If? returns with a vengeance. Check out what Alexandra Pusateri, Mark Salmela, and Greg Bruno have to say in the newest edition of What If?



My children, it has been far too long. A million apologies to my fan (Yes, I realize that was singular) for the hiatus I took. A bit of a curve ball came my way and I had to do my best not to strike out. But never fear, Bruno is back and better than ever! What If? is back in action. Get me those questions to use in future editions of the column.

Anyways, this week we're graced with the presence of Mark Salmela and Alexandra Pusateri. I've allowed them to write their own bio's, so I take no responsibility for the following:

Mark Salmela: Bruno, you're lucky I took the time to stop spitting on Joe Roche's Mom to be here. For those unaware of my work, I am the current writer of B3yond the Report and my own sick pleasure Games Only a Mother Could Love. I currently hate everyone on this site, and hope all of the bad things in life happen to them and nobody else. In fact, I'm currently wearing a coat made out of Bruno's Mom's pubic hair.

Alexandra Pusateri writes Reality Check and in her spare time -- oh wait. She also likes long walks on the beach and roofie coladas.

Greg Bruno bought the word awesome and changed it to Bruno. Be Bruno. Also, I've got some things on the back burner. New things are coming your way, people. Out with the old…


What if Cooking Mama released a cannibal version?

Mark Salmela:

Then I would cream my pants. You don't fuck with the Mama. Cooking Mama doesn't take any shit, and would probably digest the entire Chinese military. Seriously, I am afraid of Cooking Mama. The bitch can make fire appear from her eyes! I would buy the game just out of fear. But I think I'm sick and twisted enough to like it. I'd love to make dishes out of the cast of Friends, the Jefferson's, and the Robbins. The only question I have with Cooking Mama is where is Cooking Papa? Cooking Mama has a daughter *if only Cooking Mama had flashbacks to a hot coffee scene*, so we know she had to have banged someone. I'm pretty sure it's not mine either *if it is I'm suing Trojan because this is getting ridiculous*, so somewhere exists a Cooking Papa. Where is Papa? And more importantly is he a wife beater? Something tells me Cooking Mama takes a lot of abuse, and I find that attractive.

Alexandra Pusateri

Cooking Mama: To Serve Humans would be a best-seller for the DS and Wii. Jack Thompson's head would explode. Be careful, you have to fillet the meat from the bone, which can be very difficult, especially around the humerus. The DSi-enhanced version would include a feature to take pictures of people randomly and incorporate them into your meal. Pissed off at your boss? Get a picture of him and serve him with potatoes! Mmm.

Greg Bruno

I never played any of the Cooking Mama games, but I'm sure that a Cannibal Edition would please PETA.
I could see it being a hit at parties too.

"Dude! I just cooked your balls up! Yum!"


What if you could place any video game character into any real world setting?

Mark Salmela:

I have a couple if that's ok with the audience. First I would put Sonic the Hedgehog into Auschwitz. Bruno didn't say it has to be in the present, so I'd put the entire cast of Sonic the Hedgehog into a concentration camp to watch them suffer. And no, it's not too soon when you're putting Sonic the Hedgehog into the mix. Second I would put the entire cast of Target Terror into the real world. Anywhere, it doesn't matter. I fully expect to fire in a firefight too, so don't say I don't know the consequences. But I welcome them with open arms. Whether I die by a roundhouse kick to the face by a hooker or I get dumped into a pool of acid along with other babes in bikini's then so be it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to live in Target Terror. Nothing would be more of an honor than to die by 5 RPG missiles to the face.

Alexandra Pusateri

Wander, the main character from Shadow of the Colossus.

He moves so crazy slow that it would be hilarious to see him jump around in real life, with exaggerated movement. Plus, he doesn't say anything in the game. And he's got Agro. That horse is a badass. Did you see where he took a hit to the leg and he still followed Wander around? What a badass.

Greg Bruno

I would put Cortana in a strip club. Seriously, I would. She's been pent up in a MJOLNIR suit for the longest time. Why not let her cut loose and go at it? You can't tell me that whoever programmed her didn't think about it at least once. I just don't know where you'd put the singles…

What if the Final Fantasy franchise came to a conclusion? What would be an acceptable ending for you?

Mark Salmela:

An acceptable ending would involve me stabbing every character from Final Fantasy, along with every cosplayer of Final Fantasy in the throat. I would take a dull plastic butter knife and gently saw through every single one of their neck's until I can see their wind pipe. I would then make a necklace out of different parts of Cloud's body *this isn't supposed to be sexual, I'll save that for Alex* and wear it around town until I got arrested.

No but seriously, I hate Final Fantasy. I hate everything about it, and I can't wait until JRPGs finally die off. This isn't the question for me. I haven't beaten a Final Fantasy, and I'm proud to say that.

Alexandra Pusateri

Final Fantasy fanboys would go clinically insane and declare jihad on Squeenix. I would love it if every character in the entire series all met up and had a good ol' time, only to have an atom bomb dropped on them so the entire Final Fantasy universe collapsed under the sheer weight of ridiculousness. That way, no spin-offs could be made and the series can fucking end already.

Greg Bruno

I have never beaten a Final Fantasy game and really have no intention to. The RPG genre is lost on me. I don't want to read through my video games, take turns hitting each other, or use any fucking potions to heal anyone. I suppose a fair ending for me would be one where they stopped making the games. I probably wouldn't even notice.


CLASSIC WHAT IF:

What if Master Chief fought a T-Rex?

Mark Salmela:

Pfft the Chief would slice through a normal T-Rex. But what about a cyborg T-Rex with super awesome bullet-resisting armor? I don't care how lame or improbable the regenerating shield is, it's not going to stop a *cyborg* T-Rex from turning the Chief into Swiss cheese. But if I've learned anything from Turok, it's that no dinosaur is immune to bullets. In fact, despite launching a constant stream of hot lead dinosaurs tend to run face first into your bullets, so the Chief has nothing to be worried about against an actual T-Rex. I still stand by my opinion that the Chief wouldn't stand a chance in the world of Target Terror. Regenerating shields don't really come into play when you're up against a man with an RPG that fires a constant automatic stream of rockets.

Alexandra Pusateri

The T-Rex would win, hands down. Master Chief would go out as the most overrated video game character of all time, while the T-Rex would still be one of the best dinosaurs ever.

Greg Bruno

Master Chief. No doubt. That'd be a Bruno fight, too. I'd imagine the final blow would be Chief using a Spartan Laser into the Rex's mouth. That's the things dreams are made of.

Oh yea. That felt good. I had to get that out, it's been building up for too long. Remember to leave your own What If? comments below and I'll use them in the next edition. Until then, play some Target Terror, love thy neighbor, and run from gangsters.