Four Player Co-Op 5.27.09: Marlon Wayans, The Queen's New Toy, KOF and The Three E's

Posted by John De Large on 05.27.2009

411's John De Large, Ramon Aranda and the brothers Robbins take on the worst of this week's gaming news and get ready for E3 the same way kids get ready for Christmas.



PLAYER 1 DE LARGE ON DEMAND, JD IN HD, JOHN DE LARGE HAS JOINED THE GAME
PLAYER 2 THE EMO KILLER, RAMON ARANDA HAS JOINED THE GAME
PLAYER 3 THE BABY PUNCHER, DEREK ROBBINS HAS JOINED THE GAME

Ok guys, let's get ready for more brutally ugly game news and dismembered hooker parts--

HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER!

PLAYER 4 THE SHORTMAN, DREW ROBBINS HAS JOINED THE GAME

Well, we got 4 players again this week and one of them used to run the damn column! Ooh-wah, let's get it on!

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1. The Queen of England gets a Gold Wii, this cements the Wii as THE console that everyone and their mother has, has had or will have.



JOHN DE LARGE: Back in the day, the one console everyone had was the NES. Then as time went on it became the Genesis, then the PS1, the PS2 and now it's the Wii with the image/reputation of being THAT console that everyone has laying around.

The Gold Wii is a corny novelty that begs for Armageddon but sadly, it only furthers the fact that Nintendo is kicking the shit out of a prone Microsoft, the fetal ball that used to be the mighty Sony and the carcass of PC gaming.

RAMON ARANDAWell a gold plated Wii, I mean yeah I'd say that pretty much sums it up. That's not to say I'm not enjoying the hell out of my Xbox 360 but the Wii is the only console with this kind of public image. I doubt the Queen would know how to use a sniper rifle to take out enemies on Call of Duty 4. If she does however, tell her to add me on Xbox LIVE!

DEREK ROBBINS: Well I mean, that is a pretty big deal. I don't see the Queen of England brandishing a golden PS3 or a soul sparkling silver X-Box 360. This pretty much means that gaming is the most mainstream that it has ever been. Granted, the Wii isn't exactly known for having the highest quality content out there, but as far as bringing new gamers to the medium...it does a pretty darn well job. I mean, it's hard for me to imagine the Queen like holding a scepter while sipping tea and killing bitches in Mad World...but I'm sure if she were to use it, she would certainly find it easier to play with than, say, the other two. The Wii may not be the best console in the world, but in my opinion it's probably the only must-own one of this generation. Given that the 360 and PS3 libraries are largely the same, the Wii has probably the most exclusive content. That doesn't make it BETTER, but if you want to play the most possible games, you should probably get one of these.

DREW ROBBINS: I must admit, when I first saw the gold-plated Wii, carefully placed on a luxurious pillow (?) adjacent to a piece of shovelware, my jaw...well my jaw stayed firmly in place, but I was still pretty amazed. If you are going to deliver a game system to the Queen herself, you had better plate it with some sort of fancy metal.

However, could they have paired it with a better game? Come on now, you don't want the Queen to join in by saying that the Wii sucks! Then you will have a Drewtastrophe on your hands!

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2. Ju-on is getting it's own game, which has been described as a haunted house simulator. You aren't at all excited for this, they should leave the horror to Silent Hill.

JOHN DE LARGE: Can we just give up on "Survival Horror," altogether? The fucking genre hasn't reached it's zenith with Silent Hill 2 and every game since then is about killing things made of cartilage, doll parts and invalids with un necessary body parts jutting from their torsos.

That said this "game," is probably going to be immensely popular with Wii-owners (see also: middle aged women who like Wii Fit and 8-13 year olds who will find this game to the scariest thing since RL Stine wrote books about a blob that comes in a can and crab people in a mirror), further damaging my opinion of gamerkind.

RAMON ARANDA: Excited? No. Will I give it a shot? Perhaps. It's been a while since I saw a good haunted house simulator as Resident Evil is going in a different direction and Condemned doesn't take place in a that environment.

DEREK ROBBINS: I really, really don't care about this. It's a movie-based game, so you know darn well that most likely it's going to be shovelware aimed at fans of the series and no one else. Ju-On, which you may know better as The Grudge, isn't exactly my favorite series as is. So, I couldn't be less excited about this thing coming out. Leave the horror to Silent Hill though? I'm sorry, ever since Silent Hill 3, the franchise has been in a total rut. The games released most recently for the franchise aren't even by the people who make it. It's sort of lost its soul, and I would argue that the horror genre as a whole has been dead over the last several years. Games like Resident Evil 5 or Dead Space may be techincally in the horror genre, but are they scary? Not in the least.

Horror peaked at Silent Hill 2.

DREW ROBBINS: Of course I'm not excited about this game, I'm a horrible person that is generally cynical when it comes to any video game, but that isn't my reason for being apathetic for Ju-On. In fact, I have multiple reasons. First of all, I don't give a crap about the survival horror genre, I know it is pretty popular, but it quite simply isn't my cup of tea. The other reason is that its based on, of all things, that horrible film franchise, the Grudge. Albeit that this is the Japanese version of the Grudge, but I can't imagine that it is any better. If they can't make better games than us then what makes you think they can make better movies? (I can't wait to see how I get eaten alive in the comments section for THIS statement...)

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3. KOF is here again! Mature is back and the Ash Crimson Saga will likely get wrapped up! Excited?



JOHN DE LARGE: Of course I am, son! I need to know what's good with my kneegrows Terry Bogard and Ralf Jones, the team killahs! I'm also curious WTF is up with Ash Crimson, is he the Orochi re-incarnate or just some pansy thirsting for power and a side of androgeny?

RAMON ARANDA: No, next.

DEREK ROBBINS: Hell yes I am excited for the new King of Fighters game. Have you seen the hand-drawn animation? That stuff is awesome. As beautiful a game as Street Fighter IV is, I honestly would prefer if all fighting games looked like this. I mean, this is probably the most appealing a fighter has been graphically since Street Fighter III. It's not all about the graphics though, the King of Fighters has always been a damn competent franchise and arguably the equal to its more popular Capcom brethren. The KoF franchise focuses on building a team and only features four-different hit buttons (as opposed to SF's six), but the differences make it feel like something actually, you know, different. It's not a piddly Street Fighter clone, but a very excellent game. Yes, this is something I want. With Blaz Blue and SF IV already this year, 2009 is definitely the year of the fighter.

DREW ROBBINS: Sorry KOF, but I'm taken. I've always been a Street Fighter child. From the instant I was born I was jumping backwards as Ken, then proceeding to thow a hadouken. With such a built-up favoritism towards the Street Fighter franchise, I find it nearly impossible to enjoy any other fighting games, especially ones that belong to the 2D genre. I've played a few of the KOF games, but I can never seem to muster up the enthusiasm that most people do for it, so I'll have to pass on this new, beautifully hand-drawn iteration of the series.

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4. Wal-mart, being last to realize the following idea is a good idea, will be buying back games from gamers and customers. Are you going to re-sell with Wal-mart or stick with your current re-seller?

JOHN DE LARGE: PLAY 'N TRADE FOR LIFE, DAWG.



RAMON ARANDA: I just resell my stuff on eBay. It's the only place I've found a respectable buy-back price for most of my games. Gamestop on the other hand is utter crap and should be ashamed of their used game practices as they rape you at the register and then resell the games like they're new. If Walmart offers a good deal for used games then I'll give them a shot but otherwise, I'll stick to eBay.

DEREK ROBBINS: I mean, I don't know. Maybe? I figure a lot more casual game players will take their stuff back to Wal-Mart because they may not have immediate access to an EB games (or may never go to one), so you may be able to find a wider selection there. I guess I would go to Wal-Mart and sell my games if I could get more at that store than I could at anywhere else I trade. I have no particular brand loyalties. I will go wherever the money is, and if Wal-Mart offers me a good deal, I'll slap on the Wally World blue and prepare to fight the good fight against EB Games, Toys R Us, Amazon or...whatever. So, yeah, we'll see.

DREW ROBBINS: I despise many things in this world, a fact of which my readers were made woefully aware of when I filled in for B3yond the Report, and Wal-Mart is one of these things that I hate with all of my being. My hatred for Wal-Mart began at the ripe age of...something or other, however old I was when I purchased Megaman X5. I went to a Wal-Mart in search of the latest Megaman X adventure, and asked an employee if they had it in stock. The man looked behind him (and keep in mind, there were no games behind him, so I'm not sure what he was doing) and said "Uhh...no." So I went in search of the game myself, which probably would have been a better idea than asking (but I was a child, don't reason with my actions!), and was able to find it rather quickly. I then shook my fist at the man as I waved my copy of Megaman X5 triumphantly in the air...well that might not have happened, but if I could turn back time (if I could find a way), that is exactly how I would rewrite it.

So my answer to the question? No. Gamestop has been good to me!

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5. The cover for the GI Joe game is released and.... oh God! Marlon Wayans is on the cover! A: You're psyched for this game, B: You hope Marlon Wayans' character has the lowest HP.

JOHN DE LARGE: Marlon Wayans should've stuck to Scary Movies 1 - 8 and The Wayans Brothers show.

I got this bad feeling he's going to be playing "wild black guy comic relief stereotype number 9423." Ew.

Ahem. Regarding the game, no, I ain't psyched for this! It's a video game based on a movie! That means two things: one, the graphics will be top-tier and there might be some voice acting from the stars of the movie and two, the collision detection, the gameplay, the AI and anything else that you might experience outside of a screenshot will be HORRENDOUSLY broken.

RAMON ARANDA: I'm not really sure what to think of the GI Joe game to be honest. On the one hand, I love the brand but on the second hand, I just don't know much about it. Maybe you should ask me after E3 where I'm sure I'll get to see it first hand. As for Wayans... that's pretty hilarious but I don't with low HP on him.

DEREK ROBBINS: Not at all psyched because the movie will most likely be trash and, well, it's a movie game. So, that's all I really need to say about that. I don't know why Mr. Wayans is on the cover. Hasn't he ruined enough things? Whatever, all I know is that I won't exactly be excited for this title. I suppose it could prove me wrong like X-Men Origins: Wolverine did...but what are the odds of that happening again in the same calendar year? Not very. I mean, I'm never wrong.

DREW ROBBINS: First and foremost, I'm not excited in the least for this game, as I wasn't a G.I. Joe kid when I was growing up. As has been stated many times before, I was a Ninja Turtles man, so I had no time for the war against Cobra. I'll wrap this question up quickly, I hope that, by having Marlon Wayans die during the game, it somehow opens up an interdimensional rift causing all of his horrible movies to be erased from existence. This is what I would call a very happy ending!

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6. Time Warner wants Midway Games for 33 mil, not a bad deal, eh?

JOHN DE LARGE:Most of you think that Time Warner just wants to get into Midways pants to get the sweet, sweet dowry that is Mortal Kombat.

And yeah, most of you are right.

Ok, awful analogy aside, Time Warner are the shmucks who own AOL, so 33 mil ain't nothing for them especially since now TW can make money off of Mortal Kombat and possibly Pacman and Galaga. Oh yeah, forgot that Midway had other games, didn't ya, furfags?

RAMON ARANDA:Time Warner has deep pockets, and I'm sure $33 million is chump change so yes, it's a good deal.

DEREK ROBBINS:They're worth 33 million? I had just assumed Time Warner would go to a yard sale and see all Midway assets on sale for like 50 cents and just buy the lot for something like twenty bucks. Well, I mean, whatever. You're just 32,999,980 over the asking price, but hey, it could go well for you!

DREW ROBBINS: This question should be reworded, and instead say that Time Warner is paying 33 Million for Mortal Kombat. Seriously, what else does Midway make...oh, TNA: iMpact? No, that wasn't a game, it was HELL. All in all, this isn't a great deal in my eyes, because the only notable games to come from Midway in the past years were all Mortal Kombat games, which have pretty much sucked since jumping to the third dimension.

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Bonus: 3 of you are going to E3, one of you will likely go when you're older. What are your plans for the trip/future trip?



JOHN DE LARGE: Guys, it's E-motherfucking-three.

I've dreamed of this moment since I read the E3 feature article in Nintendo power in the summer of '96 and said "One day, I'm gonna go to a show like this. One day, I'm going to be cool enough to get into stuff like this."

(Wipes single tear from eye)

So, here's the JDL plan for success. I'm gonna get there, go see some games, trailers, people speaking, write some shit down and try like hell to take anything that isn't nailed the fuck down.

I especially want to go this headset shizzle and dealie in hopes of getting a free headset, which I need to talk to friends while I green egg and ham it in Left 4 Dead.

I'm looking forward to meeting the other nerds -- writers from 411. A bunch of twentysomethings who like games and drinking can't not get along, right?

After E3 is going to be exciting as well, I'm going to Seattle to meet up with a friend, possibly make more friends and check a bunch of stuff off my bucket list.

RAMON ARANDA: Well I'll be arriving on Sunday night to get settled in and visit some family. Monday will be busy with press conferences and news post from those of course. The rest of the week is going to the show, taking in some preview meetings, Twitting the hell out of everything and working my ass off. On a lighter note, I'll also be doing plenty of partying and heavy drinking. It just wouldn't be E3 without it. I also promised Jacob Lopez that I'd take his ass to In-N-Out as he's never been to one. Animal-style fries dude...he has to try them! I guess I can take the staff around LA while we're at it too. As long as they keep the White Russians coming...hint, hint.

DEREK ROBBINS: Going to E3 has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. I used to read with baited breath the reports of what was going on at the shows and I just couldn't believe it all. Everything just seemed so magical, so wondrous, I really just had to be there. I wanted to see all the new games on display, I wanted to get all the free swag, I wanted to attend the crazy night-life parties...I just wanted to soak in the atmosphere. Finally, in the year 2009, I get to go and I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me. I don't care if it's not the same "awesome" show that it was in years past. I don't care if I've become more jaded towards gaming in my 21 years of life. It's an honor to be attending the expo. I so badly want to be at Nintendo's press conference so I can cheer along when something big is announced. I want to see some of these guys I've been reading about in person. It will just be amazing. Am I star struck? You bet'cha. But this is a once in a lifetime experience for me and I am damn honored to be going. Also, I imagine JDL and myself will be wheeling and dealing around town. We're just that awesome.

DREW ROBBINS: Let me just take this moment to shake my fist vigorously at all of you for going to E3, and leaving me behind! Now I will never be able to see Microsoft's next stupid attempt to capitalize on the Wii's market, or Sony's next game that is going to "save the PS3," and I will never get to see Nintendo try to sell off a clearly casual-minded game as "hardcore." What a shame!

In all seriousness though, I've made sure to put "Attending E3" on my bucket list. My plan for the days would likely involve sitting at the Naughty Dog booth and drooling over whatever game they were putting out next. Also, shaking Reggie's hand and then acting like a teenage girl by proclaiming that I shall "never wash my hands again."

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UNTIL NEXT TIME

Listen to the Black Ric Flair....



That's it for this week. To all the other 411 writers going to E3, stay close to me if you want to get drunk, I'm going to try and get a game of Kings going.

(I'll be the guy with the art house glasses who looks like Samoa Joe and Warren Sapp's lovechild.)

Peace!