What If? 6.09.09: Week 14 - Capcom, Lara Croft, Losing to Your Mom, More

Posted by Greg Bruno on 06.09.2009

What If? Returns with more writers than ever before! Greg Bruno hosts What If? with Ramon, Sam, and Todd. This week, they discuss a Capcom system, Lara Croft, and their own mothers. Yep, you read that correctly.



I'm writing this the weekend before E3, so I can't really comment on what happened because my flux capacitor is broken. So did Sony announce a new 412gb PS3? Did Microsoft talk about numbers and how awesome they were this year and how Bungie and they are still bff? Did Nintendo's Reggie wave shit around on stage and get all the soccer moms moist? And yes, What If? endorses moist soccer moms. Hope everyone enjoyed their E3 week.

This week we're going to add another layer to the madness and add a fourth writer to the column. One of the following is adopted:

Sam Pow: Writer of GAME POW and soon to leader of several small pacific islands, which will then be put under a "SAMmunist" government. It's just like communism, where everybody is equal, except I'm better. Everyone also shares everything…with me. Getting back to reality, I am also working on a new column, which is set to release mid-late June, involving the discussion of ideas for a new game that a writer would produce. If there are any 411 writers reading this, PLEASE email me about it! I will send you all the details. I need writers to help.

Todd Vote: I'm the moderator of this site's Top 5. In addition to that, my gaming time has been spent trying to learn the ways of MMA well enough to take UFC online, and not get completely decimated. No better feeling than being competitive for 2 rounds only to get pounded out with 8 seconds left... Nearly broke a controller. In addition to that I recently played through Terminator: Salvation (be sure to check back to 411 for a full review). For now, I will just say, at least you get to shoot Terminators.

Ramon Aranda: Games Editor at 411 and all around dictator around the zone. I'm currently working on a review for Punch-Out!! for the Wii though I'll be working on a gangload of previews starting next week at E3. Look out for a quick schedule of what we'll be looking at this week.

Greg Bruno: I write What If? and I also have a few tricks up my sleeve. Once I get a few more things finalized and figured out, I'll be sharing with you. In the meantime, I'd like to invite all you ladies to the bar tonight. Let's just make this clear; I'm going to shamelessly hit on you, bring you home, and do things to you that will ensure that you'll never be able to look your father in the eyes again. Hey, I'm honest.

What if Lara Croft were a plumber?

Sam Pow:
There would be a lot more broken pipes in this world.

Todd Vote:
Best. Plumber crack. EVER!!! Seriously, if Lara were a plumber, Mario would be out of business, the princess would not only be in another castle, she would more than likely become full on lesbian. Who would you rather have rescue you from a giant green turtle lookin dude? Mario, or Lara? Thought so...

Ramon Aranda:
If Lara were a plumber, I'd want her to check out my pipe...ohh! (in Andrew Dice Clay tone) On the other hand, she would be rocking some overalls which would keep us from seeing what she brings to the table. Not sure what else she could do as a plumber unless she took the F-train to the Mushroom Kingdom. That might not bode well for Bowser who would probably get shot in the chest on arrival, after which Luigi would finally tell Mario that he's tired of getting c*ck-blocked with Princess Peach/Toadstool and proceed to flirt with Lara. I mean, he is taller than Mario so he probably has a better chance.

Greg Bruno:
Ah, a pipe doctor huh? Well, that'd be hot. I don't know if she has the patience for fixing leaky pipes, though. Chances are she'd just shoot your sink, jump in the shower, and strategically place the steam so that her nipples aren't visible. This, of course, would prompt you to go online and Goole "Lara Croft Naked". We all know what those search results look like.

What if Sony announced the closing of one of their studios? Which and why?

Sam Pow:
I say they close whichever studio developed the PS3 controller's motion control and instead open up a studio that comes up with NEW ideas top make the PS3 better. Then maybe Sony would make more money.

Todd Vote:
Guerilla Games would be my best guess, although I don't really see them closing down one, if I had to venture a guess it would be Guerilla Games. The reason is simple, Guerilla and Sony promised a Halo killer with Killzone. The game may be good, and it may be loved by fans, but did either one really perform up to expectations? If a studio was to shut down, I can't see Killzone going away, but I could see Sony giving a different studio a shot at it, thus incorporating, or closing Guerilla Games. (Remember folks the article is called What If, not *this is going to happen*)

Ramon Aranda:
I wouldn't be shocked given the same fate that plenty of other studios have seen. As long as their good games got picked up by another studio then it wouldn't destroy the world. I'd hate to see it though as no one should be losing jobs right now - it's bad enough as it is.

Greg Bruno:
This isn't likely to happen, but nothing is impossible…except slamming a revolving door. I'd like to see Naughty Dog be set free. The only thing that would piss me off is the inevitable gaming headline of "Who Lets the (Naughty) Dogs Out? Sony, That's Who!"

What if Capcom decided to make a console? What would it be named and what could it do?

Sam Pow:
Picture this: it's E3 09, new gaming news is popping up left and right. Vendors showcase amazing new games, and the top three are unleashing astounding new technology and hardware at their press conferences. In the midst of it all, one giant announcement shines through it all: Capcom is making a console. Over several more years of E3, we would hear tales and tales about how complex and awesome it is, and that it is named…The Capcom-Super-Mega-Ultra-Awesomeness-5000. Everyone would be amazed, and thousands would be camped out on launch day to get their own. And then everyone would realize the only thing you can play on it is Mega Man. Ha!

SITUATION 2: Capcom announces that they are making a console, and then releases it the next day.

Todd Vote:
Hmm... The name.... You know it has to be Street Fighter related... How about Capcom's Hadoken 2 Super Turbo Hyper Championship HD Remix Edition? Yeah, the name is long, but would you expect anything else from Capcom? From here Capcom would make every game they have ever created available at launch, this would be the way for them to compete. I could see a console from individual companies like EA, or Capcom, if the machine was similar to one of them plug and play machines. It would have the companies entire backlog of titles available, almost immediately, and they are all built right into the machine. This would allow these companies to make some money off of their old properties, without having to share a piece of the pie with Sony, Nintendo, or Microsoft. Of course putting out a machine with your old games on it would also still afford you the time to continue workin on new projects, and putting out games for the home consoles as well. The Capcom H2STHCHDRE would not be in competition with the current or even next gen consoles. It would be something altogether different.

Ramon Aranda:
They'd probably call it the Capcom Boom (of Guile's Sonic Boom) and feature a whole sleuth of fighting games, including downloadable games from Capcom's past. It'd be a pretty decent console that comes in red and orange colors, one that would only use arcade sticks, and come packaged with a free 3-in-1 disc featuring Street Fighter, Street Fighter II and Street Fighter III.

Greg Bruno:
Capcom may one day do this, so it's good to be prepared. I believe they will call their debut system "Capcom Super Hyper Remix" and will come in blue, yellow, or blue and yellow combination colored systems. The controllers would be a joystick with three buttons. The only games that would come out would be Resident Evil titles and Street Fighter titles. No, I will not buy it.

What if your mom beat you in your favorite game?

Sam Pow:
I would probably come up with some lame ass excuse, such as, "This game was made in Japan. In Japan, the point is to lose," or, "That was only the first of three rounds, we still have two more to play." Alternatively, I could foresee this situation and "tweak" my mom's controller beforehand.

Todd Vote:
Never happen. Not that I am just that damn good at games, but in all my years, there have only been two games I've ever been able to talk the mother figure into playing. The very first Super Mario Bros., and Mortal Kombat. Why those two? I have no idea. There were even times in middle school where I would stop by the video store and pickup something I was sure she would like and thusly I would be able to play my game without getting yelled at for it. Wheel of Fortune, Monopoly, Jeopardy. None of them worked, nothing could draw her into the gaming community. So even though the chances of this happening are very slim, if it did happen, I don't think it would bother me till she started rubbing it in ALL THE TIME!

Ramon Aranda:
I'd look at her with disbelief and wonder what the hell she's been doing while I'm at work. Seriously if she knocked me out in Fight Night Round 3 or obliterated me in Starcraft for instance, I'd need to have a sit down discussion as to what's going on.

Greg Bruno:
If my mom beat me in Halo 3, I would stop playing video games for the rest of my life. Honestly, I'd put the controller down (after I finished crying) and never once pick it up again. It'd be like if Jay Cutler's mom caught an interception from him that was intended for Devin Hester.

Well, that was nice. You should go now…But before you do, leave your own What If? questions in the comments section below. Thanks for reading and we hoped you enjoyed! If you'd like to receive Facebook updates of when What If? goes live, become a fan! Click here to become a fan on Facebook and be in the know of when What If? will be up!