What If? 6.26.09: Week 15 - The Madden Franchise, Zombies, and Megan Fox

Posted by Greg Bruno on 06.26.2009

Oh yea! You know What If? is back and is all up in ya' grillz! Check out what Greg Bruno and the 411 Staff have to say about the Madden Franchise, Zombies, and, of course, Megan Fox.



Shhhh…..it's ok. No no, stop crying. What If? is back and ready for you. It's another FAN EDITION of What If?. All of the questions for this week were "donated" by a good friend and long time reader, John K. There's a story behind this, and yes, I am going to explain. If you don't care (or hate John) keep scrollin', scrollin', scrollin', scrollin'… (Yup, that's a Limp Bizkit nod)

While at a party a few weeks ago, John came to me and said "Greg, you're stuff is hysterical!" I then had the options of saying "Thanks," or "I know."

I went with "Thanks, I know."

I'm kind of a dick, in case you haven't figured that out by now.

Anyway, since I know John is a gamer, I asked him if he could get me five "What If…" questions for this next column. As you'll soon see….he jumped all over it.

This week we're joined by Armando Rodriguez and Adam Larck. Why don't you take a gander at what they do ‘round these parts?


Armando Rodriguez: Game Reviewer and columnist, who earned the purple medal of video-game reviewing when he reviewed Stalin vs Martians and suffered permanent scarring from the game's sheer awfulness.

Adam Larck: News writer and newest column for 411 (check out the revived 10th Hour this Friday). Currently working on a review for Ghostbusters for the 360, and relaxing with Red Faction: Guerrilla and Prototype in the meantime.

Greg Bruno: I'm the mastermind behind What If? Also, last weekend, I woke up with White Castle's boxes on the floor, unreadable writing on my right arm (in permanent marker), and four girls I know had the Facebook Status of "Fuck A Greg". I'm looking into trademarking that slogan and getting T-Shirts made. If you're a graphic artist, mock that up and e-mail it and you'll get featured in the next column.

Oh yea, and I'll be reviewing Guitar Hero: Smash Hits for the Xbox 360.


John, you asked for it, and you got it.


What if Nintendo, in some alternate universe, decided to make some adult erotica games for the Wii? What kinds of games would we see?

Armando Rodriguez
Oh boy, like we didn't have enough "remote waggling" jokes already. I guess we would get to see new "dating" simulations that actually culminated in sex. Probably you would get to use the Wii-mote as a penis and screw those brains out. The nunchuck could be used as the "hand" peripheral allowing you to touch and pinch certain bodyparts. We would get such classics as "Mario & Luigi: Screw the Princess", "Mario's Swingers Party" and "Mario Golf Whore". Also we would get a brand new Punch-Out in which Little Mac fights naked whores with the goal of knocking them out so he can rape them or something. If this where to happen video-games would be banned forever.

Adam Larck
First off, I think the people who play Wii's now would be on the opposite end of the age spectrum. That being said, I'd rather not image what kind of games would be seen. The controller shape alone lends itself to enough game design ideas. Games would be a lot more ‘hands on,' if you get my drift. Simply image a lot of the games the Japanese have overseas for DS and put them on the Wii. Nothing high grade and all from one maker.

Greg Bruno:
Cocking Mama would be a huge (pun severely intended) hit within weeks. The dynamics of the game would remain the same, but instead of cutting up vegetables, you're bending Mama over a table and spanking her with spatulas. MAMA LIKES IT!


Bonus points for whoever can guess whose jugs those are…

What if Pat Summerall tried to take down John Madden by making his own NFL game? (Madden rights to NFL games excluded)

Armando Rodriguez
Is this even possible? I mean, I don't think Mr. Summerall has the same level of popularity as John Madden. Anyway, he would be signed by Visual Concepts and be a part of Pat Summerall's NFL 2K10, which would instantly dethrone Madden simply because it is made by the Gods at Visual Concepts. That would absolutely rock. Then we would get the necessary Celebrity Deathmatch between Summerall and Madden (is that show still on TV?) and the debate of which game is better would spark the second Civil War.

Adam Larck
It still would not do as well as the Madden series. The Madden series does well because of gameplay, I think. EA has really gotten it down. At least, I hope they have. They've had years to work on it. People would check it out just for a change from Madden, but I think they'd still be supporting Madden when all was said and done (even if Madden's voice is annoying).

Greg Bruno:
I had to Google Pat Summerall, but got lazy while the page was loading. So, then I asked my roommate if he knew who Pat Summerall was. He said "I don't know, Google him." So I tried that again, but this time I searched Pat Summerall instead of Fancy Ice Cube Trays (I totally want the AK-47 Bullet Ice Tray, by the way). Why would you need a fancy ice cube tray, you might ask? Well, for one, it shows you have some sort of class and creativity. Anyone can make square ice cubes.

You'll notice I'm totally dodging this answer because I play video games and not actual sports.

My official answer is as follows:

It'd be cool?


What if Luigi got Princess Peach pregnant?

Armando
Mario would kill them both out of jealousy. He would become a fugitive and in the biggest ofironies, Bowser would become the hero hunting him down. Little kids will have toys and lunchboxes with Bowser's face on it and Mario would become the despised villain. Mario and Wario would put their differences aside and run a Mafia-esque entity in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Adam Larck
Then Mario would demand a paternity test. The resulting offspring, however, would be able to have one hell of a jump and be able to float after jumping. Many games would be made about the offspring, but they would never sell well. Why is that? Well, because he wouldn't be related to Mario, that's why. And, of course, Mario sells systems.

Greg Bruno:
Daisy would throw a fit and screw Mario just to get back at Luigi. Then, this entire fiasco would end up on Maury where paternity tests are given out easier than Madonna adopting another third world country child. The tests would determine that neither child is from either one of the Italian brothers, but instead from Toad. See, what you people fail to realize, is that Toad's a motherfucking P.I.M.P. While Mario and Luigi are out chasing after Bowser, Toad is at home banging the princesses.

He gives a whole new meaning for the term "'Shrooming."

…Or "Mushroom Slapping."



What if Rockstar took the Grand Theft Auto engine and made a full-blown zombie game?

Armando Rodriguez
OH MY GOD! Best idea EVER! How come I never thought of this? Imagine the player as the lone protagonist with the rest of the city full of zombies. The player can use cars to run them over, guns to shoot them down and even some desperation melee combat when things get bleak. The goal of the game would be to escape the island before the goverment nukes it, which would add tension to the proceedings. Then you add a kick-ass multiplayer mode in which players need to work as a team (a la Left 4 Dead) and we have our game of the year! Can we mail this idea to Rockstar?

Adam Larck
Then I would be checking that game out. An open world game where you can steal cars to run over zombies? I'm there. It sounds great in premise. I'm thinking of a broader scale Dead Rising. GTA already has a damn good engine for their series, so why not give a zombie game a shot with it.

Greg Bruno:
Hmmm…you may be on to something there, John. If the past proves true, if you add the word Zombie to anything, it automatically is better. Imagine, being able to just get in a car and plow through hordes of the undead at 120mph. Hell, Jack Thompson might even allow this one to go by without trying to law-fuck it to cancellation.



What if Megan Fox agreed to sleep with you under these two conditions: 1 - You cannot touch a video game for the rest of your life, and 2 - Shia LaBeouf got to watch?

Armando Rodriguez
I would not hit it. I mean, there are women sexier than Megan Fox (although prepubescent teenagers will tell you otherwise) and I cannot stand Shia LeDouche. Don't get me wrong, I think he is a good actor and decent human being, but I would be really afraid to turn my back on him. He has a face that screams "GAY!" and I don't want to turn my back on that.

Adam Larck
I'll pass on both of those conditions. I'm trying to make a living on the journalistic side of video games, so that would kind of destroy my career. Plus, voyeurism … not my thing. For all the people that would, more power to you. Just have fun figuring out what to do with the rest of your life and free time afterwards.

Greg Bruno:
1) Here's my Xbox.
2) Shia, hold this camera for me?


Megan's new tattoo is so sexy

Well, John, are you satisfied? If you were like one of the girls I usually ask that to, you'd say "Never talk to me again." That'll do it for another edition of What If? Remember to keep your questions rolling in!

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