Working Title 08.14.09: The Worst Game Ever

Posted by Jordan Williams on 08.14.2009

I'm sick and tired of making things perfect, so now I will just make things broken. Come with me as I make parts of the WORST. GAME. EVER.

Welcome to the #1 Column to actually buy something from the Xbox Live Avatar Marketplace, WORKING TITLE.

Yeah, I am currently chilling out with the new update and outside of the marketplace I can't really think of anything that is terribly new, although I do like the whole avatar marketplace, it's a good way to get rid of those random ass points that are always left over on your account. Although I think anyone who drops five dollars for the suits of armor or the lightsabers deserves to get kicked in the tonsils with a spiked boot.

Moving along, this week marks the end of a series in Working Title, for a month now I have been making ‘The Perfect Game' using pieces of different games in the same genre. It worked out pretty well considering I didn't do one for an RPG (fuck that). But now it is time for it to come to an end, and what better way to end a series than to make the worst game possible?

This will not be a genre piece where I try to make the worst fighting game, or the worst racing game. This is going to be flat out, the worst game that I can think of. But to also be fair, I am not going to use games that are based off of preexisting licenses as it's just too easy to go nab every movie and Nicktoon game and bundle it up into a horrible little package. I am going for original IPs or games that are no directly tied into a cross medium (I.E Superman 64 is fine because it's not a game based off of a Superman movie) for this lot.

So prepare to thank your lucky stars that I am not a game developer and thus I will not release this special brand of HELL upon you.


Working Perfect: The Worst. Game. Ever.


Protagonist : General Custer

When people think of the WORST GAME EVER (that is not directly a movie tie-in) Custer's Revenge is usually the first one to come to mind. I mean it's a game about General Custer RAPING NATIVE AMERICANS!? I mean...REALLY. People like to harp on games like GTA and the Baby Shaker app but we SOMEHOW LET THIS GAME GET PRINTED...AND PEOPLE BOUGHT IT.

SERIOUSLY.

Luckily this game came out before I was born because if it had come out after, I think it would've gotten a lot more attention and it would've been so much more of a shitstorm. Oh god, think of what would've happened if THIS game somehow got made during the Age of Thompson. We can defend GTA, Manhunt, etc. But I don't think there is a single good argument you can make to defend this game. There is also no argument you can make to go against me making General Custer the main character in the WORST. GAME. EVER.

And when I say Custer, I mean it. He is going to be in his video game uniform that consists only of boots a hat and his oversized swinging dongus. That's right, I used the word Dongus.

Say it with me...Dongus.

What point would it be to have Custer in this game? Really none at all. This is mostly the reasoning behind making his horrible game in the first place. You want to get it off to a bad start? Throw in a bad idea that you are forced to play with.

Level Design Oni (PC/PS1)

Now see this one actually hurts a bit, when I played Oni I actually liked a fair amount of it. But I think the main difference I had is that I originally played the game on PC, which for some reason made the game actually playable. But even if the game was playable I will in no way try to defend the idea that the level design in that game was just downright fucking HORRIBLE.

You had these big ass sprawling levels with nothing to do in them and nowhere to go, there was a very limited map and an even more limited pointer to tell you where to go. This isn't some trick to make the game seem fuck painful hard either, the game on top of being damn near unplayable on a controller is also...fuck painful hard. And it's not the good kind of hard either; it's not the challenging hard you actually like to play with.

This is the hard that can only come from trying to play a game that is completely and utterly broken to the highest degree. This is like trying to play Drake of the 99 Dragons on hard, hard. The game is already broken but the sheer level of mental PAIN it puts on your senses to try to play it through will make you cry. So now so far we have Oni's level design, and you are trying to traverse the level with a nude General Custer. How can we make this worse?...

MULTIPLAYER!

Multiplayer Play Style Superman 64

You knew Superman 64 was coming, but you didn't expect it to be for its multiplayer, did you? Well despite Superman 64 being a downright horrible game in its own right, there is a special place in hell reserved for its Multiplayer. Let me explain it really quick, you control Superman characters in flying little space cars as they fly around various locals and shoot at each other.

Yep.

Now what in the red, yellow, and blue FUCK does that have to do with anything? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. This is why I picked it. This game is already off to a horrible and abysmal start, so why not shoehorn in some multiplayer for no reason other than to appeal to the BROS.

The funny thing is, out of this list of horribleness Superman 64 is probably the best thing on the list, the multiplayer wasn't bad. The multiplayer in this game may have actually been the best part of this steaming pile, the main problem was that it really had next to nothing to do with the game in itself or even ANYTHING related to Superman.

It's like making a game where you put Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles...you know, the fastest things alive, in cars to race instead of having them run on foot. Hopefully Sega isn't retarded enough to make...that...

Seriously? Wow.



Single player Playstyle Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures (SNES/Genesis)


Speaking of games that should have never been made, we have the single player style of Pac-Man 2. Honestly. What in the high heavens was Namco thinking with this piece of shit? Pac-Man was a simple game. You controlled the little obese yellow guy with a thyroid problem as he ate everything in sight and avoided some ghosts. Simple.

So why the hell did they turn it into some bastardized point and click adventure game in which you had to use a slingshot to keep Pac-Man (who has become STUPID BEYOND COMPREHENSION) alive and save the day. Seriously, go find the game and play it. You use a Slingshot to tell Pac-Man where to go and what to do, and also keep him out of danger. Because he is somehow so damn oblivious to his surroundings that he will trip and DIE over skateboards, he won't see rocks in his way, and he won't notice that a trash can with eyes is looking at him.

Throughout Pac-Man whimsical and nonsensical adventure you will find ABC gum and puzzle pieces that allow you to fight the final boss...which is a giant wad of ABC (Already Been Chewed) Gum. Yep.

So just to recap so far, you will play as General Custer in a game with Oni's levels, Superman 64's Multiplayer, and you will control him using a point and click interface that is really just a slingshot. So what is the drive of General Custer? Why is he going through this ordeal? There must be some reason...

Story True Crime: Streets of L.A

I'll keep this one short and simple.

General Custer dual wielding pistols while fighting half naked Asian women and finally a giant dragon so he can save the life of his cousin and avenge his dad.

I don't need to say anymore than that.

Antagonist That One Guy You Never Heard of

You know who I am talking about. He is that guy you see in pretty much every RPG...well, really, pretty much EVERY game genre. They will spend the entire game building up someone as the main villain, only to have it turned on its ear at the last second and the main villain and final boss is someone you've never even heard of up until that point.

There are actually a few popular games that are regarded as great games that use this idiocy. Final Fantasy IV did it with Golbez. You spend the entire game thinking Golbez is the man behind all of the evil shit that is going on. What ends up happening is that in the eleventh hour you find out he is merely a pawn being controlled by some puppet master behind the scenes.

So after all of this time you end up feeling jibbed because as much as you REALLY wanted to kill Golbez, now you have to kill Zemromus or whatever his name is and that's it. Same thing foes for Starfox Adventures (although I know not many people consider that a great game) with General Scales.

Scales was a DICK, I mean...A DICK. You really wanted to beat the ever-loving shit out of him so bad by the end of the game and what happens? The last Krazoa spirit gets shitted out of him and you have to fight Andross. Again.

Never mind that the game only had maybe four ship segments which were short to begin with, now you have to do the final boss fight IN the ship that you barely ever used.

So it begs to question of who is the puppet master for Custer? Who is the person that is pulling the strings for the final boss? Who will Custer have to take down in a battle to rock the ages and put him smack dab in the role of the WORST. GAME. EVER.


Well, the answer really should be simple.

Fuck, run run run blah blah etc etc.

---

I know that there is probably a lot more that could go into the WORST. GAME. EVER. But I actually am pretty pressed for time this week seeing as this weekend I make my in-ring debut with Dirty South Wrestling so I need to focus more on that than anything. Feel free to add suggestions or just flat out WORST games ever and let's see if we can make this piece of shit even shittier than it already is. But that doesn't mean there isn't time for a...

Working Question

Seeing as you all obviously do not care about Halo enough to answer the last question, I'll go ahead and pose another one. With the recent release of a lot of HD Remix/Remake games, should the game having a 'retro' graphics mode really count for or against it? I ask these because it seems like the fair share of reviewers are taking the lack of a retro mode out on TMNT: Turtles in Time Re-Shelled and giving it bad scores. Do you think a retro mode should really factor into that at all?

Drop me a line and let me know.

Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams...and nostalgia is the geek's strongest weapon and its worst enemy.




Dongus.