What If? 08.25.09: PS3 Slim, PETA, Natal

Posted by Greg Bruno on 08.25.2009

What If? makes a triumphant return. You can't resist the urge to see what Mark Salmela, Ramon Aranda, and Greg Bruno thought about Bungie using project Natal, Kratos joining PETA and more in the latest edition of What If?




Where have I been, you ask? Well, I spent the last week in Virginia on a business trip. Ok, here's the deal. I have no issues with going somewhere for work…none. However, with that being said, why Virginia? The flight to Washington D.C. from Chicago was "Baby Scream/Puke Fest 2009." I honestly would have preferred the sound of cats in blenders to that God-awful auditory molestation.

Plus I hate cats.

So, while in Virginia, there was literally nothing to do for an entire week. I was the only person under 40 at the entire conference…and no girls. Cruel and unusual punishment, anyone?

Now I'm back home and thinking of you. Whatcha wearin'?

This week, we're blessed with the presence of Ramon Aranda, Mark Salmela, and yours truly.

Greg Bruno:
I have a new review Guitar Hero: Smash Hits up. Also, will you please explain to your mother that I was drunk and it was a one-time thing? Seriously, I only have a certain number of minutes on my plan and I'm sure as hell not putting her in my Fave-5 so the hourly calls need to stop. In other Bruno related news, I do not care about Brett Favre.

Mark Salmela:
I am 411Game's resident critic, going around making fun of other writers while offering little advice without a hefty price. In the past I wrote The SIXAXIS Report/B3yond the Report and Games Only a Mother Could Love, but for now I'm sticking to smaller appearances such as this and reviews. Other writers around the site like to pass off "stories" about the horrors that go on in my basement, but Mark Salmela doesn't comment on rumors and/or speculation. Speaking of which, where's that Shaq guy?

Ramon Aranda:
Ramon waived the option to write his own bio, so I (Bruno) will do it for him. Ramon is the editor of the Games and Boxing Zones here at 411Mania. I'm not entirely sure he actually exists. There are rumors that Ramon is simply a robot developed by Facebook/Twitter to send random updates out to "fans". I firmly believe this theory.

Anyway, F-A-Greg and let's do this.

What if Kratos joined PETA?

Mark Salmela:
First off it's pretty natural to assume that Kratos would become the head of PETA. I mean come on; everybody knows Kratos isn't very good at taking orders. The second thing that would happen would be an end to silent protests. That shit just isn't happening when you're associated with the God of War. Third would be the start of worldwide riots involving the death of one politician for every pig slaughtered for bacon. This would come to a head with all of the world leaders coming together to ban the slaughter of animals, that is until a certain former B3yond the Report writer shows up and signs his name in pig blood and bacon grease, leading to the 4th world war. PETA will be lead by the God of War, and the resilience will be led by the great Bob Barker, slayer of animal testies around the world. Hail Barker!

Ramon Aranda:
He'd destroy it from the inside and continue on with his wrath of vengeance and despair. Then we'd have this huge media blow up condemning Sony and the PlayStation for something other than financial woes.

Greg Bruno:
It might be a good change of pace for the God of War. I mean, shit, it's not like he's the God of Kitten Dismemberment. I'd totally play that game, though. If you're keeping score, that would be my second cat-hating announcement.

Also, I don't know if PETA classifies murderous, mythical beasts as "animals" anyway. I can't imagine them throwing minotaur blood on Kratos for sporting a leather wrist strap.

What If Bungie took full use of Natal for the upcoming release of Halo: Reach?

Mark Salmela:
Absolute hilarity would ensure. From the moment I saw the 360 avatar moving around in unison with the demonstrator at Microsoft's E3 press conference I was like "There it is, interactive T-Bagging". I can't wait to slowly dip my sack into my opponents face. I don't care if it leaves me wide open *insert gay joke here*, I'm standing up and fully dipping my sack into my fallen opponent's face if Halo Reach allowed for Natal usage. While I hate motion controls in general, I don't hate motion controls with my hips. And while I don't want to play Burnout Paradise with Natal controls, I do want to drunkenly drive in a new Road Rash game using Natal controls. "Wooo we're goin to hooters… And then another hooters!"

Ramon Aranda:
Fanboys would shit on themselves. No but seriously, it would be great, assuming it would actually be used in a way that enhances the gameplay rather than feeling like it's something tacked on, such as those crappy Wii games that add waggle for no good reason (sorry for the run-on).

Greg Bruno:

Dude A: Dude, your calves are outstanding! Have you been working out?
Dude B: Nope.
Dude A: You're not jogging?
Dude B: No sir. I just play Halo: Reach with Natal.
Dude A: But, how does that explain your beautiful calf muscles? I don't get it.
Dude B: Lay down...I'll show you.


See what I did there?


What If the PS3 Slim featured backwards compatibility, but no price drop? Still a deal?

Mark Salmela:
This is the dumbest question Bruno could have come up with. So I'm going to ignore it entirely and state that the PS3 Slim is an awesome deal, and is one pack-in game away from being an absolute steal. I'm thrilled to see the PS3 Slim finally get announced and have a $300 price tag, but man if it also came with Little Big Planet I think the package would be absolutely over the top. I'm happy for what Sony has done with the PS3 Slim and think that Sony has just saved themselves from another embarrassing holiday season, but man in this tight economy I'm still a full believer in including a pack-in game. Give the family a positive experience that can only be had on the PS3, and in my opinion that experience is Little Big Planet.

Ramon Aranda:
Then gamers would bitch about the price still being $399. Seriously if it's not one thing it's another. No one is ever happy. As for me, I don't think it'd be worth it. Yeah it would look nice and all that but if you want to go back and play PS2 games, play them on your f'n PS2. When I bought my N64, I didn't say "Yeah this is pretty sweet, but f*ck - I can't play my SNES games on this thing. This sucks!" I'm sure most people didn't say that either so let's get over this whole backwards compatibility crap and move on. The $299 price drop is more of a deal than BC would have been.

Greg Bruno:
Congrats to Mark for landing his new gig as a Sony PR Specialist.

Anyway, I don't think it would have been a deal at all. People don't buy a PS3 to play PS2 games. Those who do have already gone out to snatch (ha!) up a 60gb model.

I think that this announcement has solidified my decision to buy a PS3 after all. It doesn't have anything to do with the redesign, although I think it looks less "grill-ish" than the first model. It has 100% to do with the price. I've been looking for a nice blu-ray player and if I can get one that just happens to play video games, I'm on board. Anyway you look at it, that price point is pretty great. Now if only they could do something about having games I'd actually like to play....


What If you got to release your own "Rock Band: (insert band name here)? What tracks would you love to rock to?

Mark Salmela:
Mark Salmela: Rock Band: Winger!


Sit back and experience the power of Winger.


Ramon Aranda:
For starters, I'd go with Guns N' Roses then I'd never let ANYONE play guitar since I'd be jamming out to November Rain. I'd also include Welcome to the Jungle, You Could Be Mine, Get In The Ring, Civil War and Yesterday among others.

Greg Bruno:
Limp Bizkit. I will be there at the midnight sale. If there is no midnight sale, I will be there when your store opens. And yes, I will buy the "Red Cap Edition" that comes with mass amounts of unnecessary ridicule and harassment from friends. Don't lie, you're all closet fans. LBF.


BONUS:
What If Megan Fox returned my phone calls?

Mark Salmela:
Bruno, we get it. You get off to reading about other guys talk about you getting laid. You don't have to hide it. You don't have to hide your sexuality. I've seen scenes from Bruno less gay than your Facebook picture gallery. I mean seriously, I haven't seen a pleasure cruise that gay since Cher's 1986 "Exposed" tour. And trust me, that tour gave new meaning to "All Access" backstage pass.

Ramon Aranda:
Then you'd piss on yourself with glee. After which she'd probably just tell you to stop calling and get over it.

Greg Bruno:
Psh, returned my calls?! Shit, son. How about this question reads "What if Megan Fox finally stopped calling Bruno so much?"

Meg won't leave me alone. Honestly, babe, you need to chill out. I'm not that easy. I'm what they call a "classy fellow" and would like to be treated as such. Maybe dinner before all the non-stop sexual text messages, pictures, and heavy-breathing voice mails? Geez.

(Psst...Megan! Call me and we can do naked things)

That'll do it for another round of What If? Per usual, leave your own questions below to be featured in an upcoming edition.

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Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to have a "meeting" with my "legal adviser" about this crazy "restraining order" I've just received from some "lawyer" representing a certain "Megan Fox."