Working Title 10.10.09: Working Appreciation - Douchebags

Posted by Jordan Williams on 10.10.2009

A dapper doof from Fable 2, A horrible father, and a Rated E Mob Boss. It's time to appreciate some of the biggest douchebags in gaming.

Welcome back to the #1 Column to think that Heroes is OFFICIALLY fucking dead, Working Title! Holy shit. I tried to watch the first four episodes of this season and you guys were right. I am pretty much fucking done with that series. It went all fucking downhill after season 2. But I shall not dwell on that any longer. The main thing I am dwelling on NOW is the fact that I was right when I discussed PS3 vs. Xbox 360 a few months back. Pretty much anything that is made for the 360 and ported to the PS3 is garbage...on the PS3. But anything built from the ground up on the PS3 blows anything the 360 does out of the fucking water.

Working Note: Because Fanboys will read into anything too deeply. What I mean by the above statement is that games made for Xbox 360 and then ported over to PS3 (BioShock, Orange Box, Most Multi-Plat releases) tend to be on the crappier side for the PS3. But games that are built using PS3 hardware in mind with no intention of being ported or developed for PS3 (inFamous, Uncharted, Metal Gear Solid 4) tend to be of better quality and show off what the console is capable of.. So get off my dick.


Proof?




Moving on, I decided that the Dreamcast issue was the best way to end the Working Hypothesis series and given that my current job situation for the month will leave me with very little time to do a column, I have decided that it's time to go back to tried and true method of Working Title writing...A LIST OF FUCKED UP SUPERLATIVES! I haven't done one of these in awhile (I think it's been about a year since I did Sidekick Appreciation) so a short little diddy about some of gaming's other archetypes would do well.

But which archetype would fit this time? Sidekicks are done to death. And I find Silent Protagonists to be boring as fuck...


I got it!


Working Title: Douchebag Appreciation


Despite how much we might SAY we hate them...everybody loves a good douchebag. They are the little freckles on the asshole of gaming that make everything else look better around it. I mean if you have a group of goodie-goodies who never do anything wrong, it just makes them seem bland and boring. But throw a douchebag into a mix, whether he is good or evil, and by proxy it makes everyone around him seem just a little bit more awesome.

So who are the douchiest of douches in the video game world? Who succeeds as being King Douche so well that you actually end up liking them as characters and not hating them as douchebags? Well the list is fairly short...but I am sure I can think of a few.



Reaver - Fable 2

The term 'Hero' has never been used more lightly ever in its fucking life when it came to describing Reaver. You were told to get the three Heroes to help save the world what not. You get Sister Hammer who is decent and lovable, Garth who is an awesome mage with a monocle, and then you had Reaver.

Reaver is a douche. He's a bisexual pirate who thinks he is THE shit and kills anyone who can't recreate his fucking cheekbones. This includes one of the characters oldest friends who take a picture of Reaver. Hell, the first time you meet him he sends you off on a mission that will either force you to let some innocent chick die or make you an old man forever. And Reaver is supposed to be a HERO? Someone who is destined to save the world despite the fact that the city that he lives in is overrun with prostitutes and criminals?

Well, no one ever said a hero couldn't be a douchebag. Reaver is pretty much one of the douchiest characters in BOTH Fable games, seeing as there is pretty much nothing the player could do on the level of what Reaver does within the first 20 minutes of you meeting him. This is what makes Reaver a great douchebag, though. No matter what you do, he will one up you and make you look better by proxy. Of course, Reaver being the douchebag that he is will end up stealing a great moment away from you if you let him. For those of you that have played the game and have taken a little bit too long making a very important mission...you know exactly what I am talking about.

All in all, Reaver is probably one of the douchiest characters in this generation. He is normally someone you think would end up being a villain, but somehow ends up being an ally. Although I am pretty sure I would want to kill the fuck out of him if I was given the chance

Douchiest Moment : Sacrificing Oakvale so he can stay forever young.

Do I really need to elaborate on that? He completely destroyed the home village from Fable 1 so he wouldn't age anymore.

Douche-O-Meter Rating : 9


King of All Cosmos - Katamari Damacy Series

Now, I am not a big fan of Katamari...but you know who is?

Jis the (Former) Editor. Yeah, all 5 people who read Working Title back when Jis was around should remember this. She always complains that KOAC is a giant douche, so I finally gave her a chance to tell me why...and...Well.

She did.

Jis the Editor :The King of All Cosmos is a douchebag, and as a Katamari fan, I feel an unyielding societal responsibility that compels me to tell you why. (In English: Jordan asked me to write this part, but I would have done it no matter who was listening.)

Let's start off with the plot of Katamari Damacy, the first game of the series and home to the King of All Cosmos's Douchiest Moment. The object of the game is to roll stuff up into a massive heap, all held together by the mysterious power of the Prince's katamari. (Note: Katamari is the Japanese word for "clump" or "mass." Check a dictionary.) The completed clumps are then shot into space--not unlike the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000--in order to become new stars and constellations. If these are new stars, what happened to the old stars? Answer: when you start a new game, you--the Prince--are forced to watch helplessly as your douchebag dad ricochets off of Lord-knows-what across the night sky, shattering every star and finally the moon in a drunken haze. Not only is your dad a douchebag, but he also has alcoholic tendencies. Great. And he is making you, the Prince, his only son, clean up HIS mess. If that's not douchey, I don't know what is.

While we're at it, how many other video games fathers are emotional abusive throughout the game, from the tutorial stage to the bonus content? It's nice that he guides you throughout the game, showing you how to turn sharply and take pictures and so on, but there are times when the passive-aggressive commentary is not only completely unnecessary but memorably hilarious (albeit in a mean-spirited sort of fashion). Not only that, but in the tutorial stage of Katamari Damacy, he watches you from above, just waiting for you to fail. That douche.

For those of you who have never played any of the Katamari games, I am almost certain that the previous paragraph was not at all informative. For your benefit, I have compiled a few examples of quotes from the King of All Cosmos Themselves. That's not a typo: he speaks in the royal "We" tense. What the hell is a royal "We" tense? Did I have to take Honors English in high school to learn about this or something? Anyway, let's analyze some of the quotes I found:

"We hope you can visit during the day's rolling. Like that's possible."
Douche.
"Oh, yes. Almost forgot. A Royal Present for the hardworking Prince. That's what We were thinking. But We didn't bother to actually get one. But We're sure there's something that looks nice down there. Something that looks like a present. It's Earth after all. They have everything. Roll it up while you're at it." (Or some variation of this.)
Stingy douche.
"It is not your fault. It is our fault for believing in you."
Passive-aggressive game-over-screen douche.

For more examples of KoAC douchiness, just try the Katamari game series out for yourself. Although it's crazy, trippy, and makes about a thousand and one references to a culture you may never understand, you may find yourself laughing along with the translators who must have had a blast bringing this game to life in the English language.

Like that's possible.

Douchiest Moment : Destroying all the stars in the sky in a drunken binge and is making his SON clean it up
Douche-O-Meter Rating : 7.5


Tom Nook - Animal Crossing

This motherfucker. Seriously. He was almost too evil to be considered a douchebag and almost like a flat out villain. Not only does the fucker build you a house without asking, but he then forces you to do slave labor for him to pay off the house you didn't ask for. When you finally pay it off he will then make new additions to your house (again you didn't ask for) and then forces you into his dirty little game of slaver y until you pay THOSE off. It's like he is the seedy underbelly of Animal Crossing, you know that his fucking store is a goddamn front for whatever drug trafficking organization he has.

Then to make matters just a bit worse, he will constantly bug you to buy stuff from his store. But the money you use to buy stuff isn't used to help pay off your (unwanted) mortgage! Tom Nook is a douchebag in the sense that he does something no man should ever do. No man should ever…EVER fuck with another man's money!

Or in this case…bells. …But that's beside the point. The point is that Tom Nook is a fucking crook and a douchebag. He out douchebags every douchebag in an E rated game ever.
…Douchebag!

Douchiest Moment: Everything this fucking raccoon bastard says is laden with douchiness. He is an extorting criminal who hides behind an E game so no one will prosecute him.
Douche-O-Meter Rating : 10

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And that ends this week's hilariously short Working Title. There will probably be a full length one next week. I do feel a little rant coming on in the way of Epic Mickey, but I want to know just a little bit more info before I jump off the handle on that one.

Working Question
You know what? Let's just keep this one nice and simple.
Who would win in a no-holds barred cage fight?
Kratos vs. Conan the Barbarian

Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams…and holy fuck that would be an awesome fight.