Working Title 10.23.09: Working Appreciation - Wussies

Posted by Jordan Williams on 10.23.2009

Just like every group has its douchebag, every group also has its coward. But who are some of the best wussy-assed cowards in the biz? I'll give you a hint, if you play a harp...you're a wuss.

Welcome back to the #1 Column to laugh in the face of all of those whiners from the L4D2 boycott who completely bitched out this week, WORKING TITLE. Seriously kids. After all of that bitching and moaning you all bitched out and tucked ass because of Crash Course? I am sure it had NOTHING to do with all of the new L4D2 news coming out and proving that the game is more than an expansion, huh? Blizzard should go ahead and throw a dirty grain over all future screenshots of Diablo 3 so their boycotters can turn bitch and bitch out on that as well.

With that being said, last week we looked at three of gaming's biggest douchebags, and while time is still short here in the column writing world I figure I can go ahead and do another Working Appreciation. The question is who do I look at this time? We have the douchebags; we have the sidekicks...how about the wusses?

Yes...the biggest gaming wussies. They have their place in the world of gaming; they make the hero look more heroic and oftentimes are the ones who end up getting over whatever piece of shit has them acting like a wussy in the first place in order for them to save the day. But who can have the honor of being called some of the biggest wussies in gaming? Well I'll give you a hint...The Angry Sun isn't one of them.


Working Appreciation - Wussies

I said above that the Wussy can definitely help in a cast of characters, and I wasn't lying. Odds are the wussy (be them evil or good) usually makes everyone that is around him or her look better by default. They are usually the comic relief in most cases and even then on top of that will have some sort of storyline important meaning as to why they are a wussy in the first place. Be it a fear of someone (usually a main character) or just the fact that they never truly got over an incident that happened when they were little. There's usually always a reason behind why they are a wussy and we still love them for it.

Well, we love them when they finally stop acting like a goddamn wussy.


Edward - Final Fantasy IV



For my money, Edward is probably the wussiest character in all of the Final Fantasy games. Not only does the little wuss run around playing a harp the whole game, but there are times when he will simply just up and leave you in the middle of a battle. Edward of course has a reason for being so afraid, he did just watch the Redwings bomb the ever-loving shit out of his fiancée only to have her dad walk into the picture and begin to kick the shit out of him. I don't know about you but I would be pretty traumatized too if someone who can cast a spell that brings Meteors from the heavens began to beat you up and call you names.

But that doesn't' mean that Edward is without his good points. Despite the fact that he pretty much sucks as a character he does have a move that will charm enemies and make them beat the hell out of each other, and there is a certain part of the game (which I think is probably the most annoying part of that entire game) where he actually is a big fucking help and helps you out. That doesn't excuse the fact that for the rest of the game he pretty much lays up in a bed and bitches and moans about how he can't help you anymore. But by that point you have Cid...and we all know that any Cid, even Final Fantasy VI Cid, is awesome.

Wussiest Moment: Every time the fucker runs from a fight and leaves you high and dry.

I hated this. So much. Edward wasn't the backbone of my team by a long shot, but sometimes you would actually need an extra body that could throw a healing item or an antidote at you or something. Of course when you are on your last legs and really need that potion Edward will turn tail and run like a little BITCH. Every time he did that I swear I wanted to unleash a stream of curse words that would make a sailor blush, and I was only 6 years old at the time.

Wuss-O-Meter Ranking: 9

The only thing holding Eddie back from getting a 10 is the fact that he is only with you for a short period of time and he does have his redeeming bravery moment. If he ended up just being a wuss for the sake of just being a wuss then I am pretty sure I not only would've given him a 10 on the scale, but I probably would've stabbed the hell out of him to boot. And yes, I do meant that during every battle I probably would've just made whomever I was controlling just beat the ever loving shit out of Edward in retaliation for this whiny ass emo running off and leaving me high and dry when I am trying to fight a Sandworm. Fucking spoony bard.


Abra - Pokémon


Everyone who has played an early Pokémon game just got a slight fit of rage building up in their gullet. They know when they hear that familiar cry they have pretty much one chance to catch by far the wussiest Pokémon this side of Pallet Town, Abra.

Unlike other wussies in the gaming world he really didn't have a story or any set reason as to why he was wuss; he was only a wuss because he could be a wuss. As soon as the battle started you better hope you went first because the only hope you had of catching Abra that early in the game was to hope to god you could either make him flinch and pray the greatball/pokeball (that's about all you would have at that point at Red and Blue anyway) was strong enough to hold this little fucker or else he would just teleport away.

Like a little bitch. Seriously? You are ABRA; you end up evolving into one of the strongest Pokémon in the game and you simply just teleport away? I am all up for being rare and all, but teleporting away before I even have a chance to catch you is just a dick move on top of being a wussy.

Of course, the fact that he ends up evolving into Alakazam could be seen as his bravery moment because Alakazam is one of the strongest and more assholish Pokémon to go up against a high levels (unless you have a Gengar, in which FUCK ALAKAZAM WITH BOTH OF HIS SPOONS) and psychics tend to be super overpowered in the game. But still, Abra is a wussy of the highest caliber because unless you catch him he doesn't give you a chance to change his wussy ways...and he is too much of a wuss to let you catch him in the first place.

Wussiest Moment: Abra used Teleport!

Nuff said.

Wuss-O-Meter Ranking: 10

Yeah, Abra gets the full 10. He runs away like a wuss, fights like a wuss, and most of all only comes at you when are a wuss yourself. Whenever I did one of my playthroughs, Abra was always the one Pokémon I would come back later and catch with like an Ultraball or something because my feeble little mind wasn't able to comprehend why developers would put such a lame ass thing like Abra into the game. But once I realized that all I needed to do was slap that fucker with a Hyper Fang and make him flinch, or put him to sleep. The shit was all over.


Roman - Grand Theft Auto IV


Niko~! Cousin~! If there is a more annoying and whiny eastern European (other than Niko himself) I am sure he isn't as wussy as Roman is. This guy is a liar, a coward, a bitch, and above all...a giant wuss. He invites his cousin to come to America so they can have the good life, but Niko finds out that the good life is just built up on a pile of shit that his cousin has made up to make up for the fact that he owns a pitiful fleet of taxis and is currently dating a chick that is getting the pipe laid to her by a hairy douche who owns a shitty bar.

So for the first chunk of the game Niko's job is nothing more than helping to bail Roman's fat ass out of stupid schemes that he ends up getting them both involved in some deep shit. Why the hell would Roman drag his cousin who is running away from similar problems (and hunting down another) into some gambling den? Another true mark of a Roman being a fucking wuss is that he barely ever gets his little bravery moment. He didn't even want to help Niko get rid of the body of the guy who was banging his fiancée!

If someone was banging my fiancée, I not only would want to get rid of the body, I'd probably want to turn it into kibble and bitz and feed it to the family dog. Then I'd use a pooper scooper on the dog's eventual shit and light it in a paper bag on his family's front porch. Yeah. Fuck that guy.

But not Roman, he is more than content to allow Niko to clean up all of his messes and then on top of that reap every single reward and benefit that Niko gets from his new high paying jobs as being a hitman and other things. So not only is Roman a wuss, he could probably be a frontrunner for biggest Assholes (next week) in video games as well.

Wussiest Moment: Knowing full well that a douche was banging his fiancée and doing nothing about it.

I mentioned it so much because it's seriously a big fucking deal. This man is making the beast with two backs with your lovely and you don't do SHIT about it other than cry to your psycho ass cousin? If there was "get your balls back" moment in the entire game that Roman should've had it should've been this bullshit. But instead the fucker loves getting thrown in trucks and going FUCKING BOWLING instead of nutting up and handle his business as a man. I hate Roman so much that I chose that ending just so that fucker would never inconvenience me ever the fuck again.

Wuss-O-Meter Ranking: 8.5

As much as I shittalk him, Roman is the least wussy of the group today simply because he does have his uses. He does give you a cellphone as well as a place to stay. He does love Niko and looks out for him even as he is in the process of fucking his life up. So I guess that can account for something...what it is? Not entirely sure. But hey. It's worth something in the long run I guess

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Working Question

Okay, this is one I tossed around a bit before I finally decided to go ahead and open it up for discussion but seeing as it is the newest "Let's complain/praise" this topic.

How do you feel about exclusive preorder DLC?

Personally, I don't have a problem with the idea behind it. But I do have a problem with the method that is used for it. I understand not everywhere has an EB Games or a GameStop, which does indeed suck if you definitely want that preorder content. To remedy that I think that they should to the have ALL stores that preorder have the same content. Off of the top of my head I know the GameStop, Game Crazy, Target, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, and even 7-11 do preorders and sales of games. So if they somehow come up with some sort of model that would just allow for everyone to choose one of those location (and let's face it, EVERYONE has a goddamn 7-11 or a Best Buy) then I think this hate for the preorder DLC would lessen up quite a bit.

But it doesn't matter what I think, what do YOU think?

Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams...and I think I might be the only person in the world who likes MUA2 better than MUA1.