Working Title 10.30.09: Working Apocalypse - 2012: The Year Gaming Will Die
Posted by Jordan Williams on 10.30.2009
2012! Sure the Mayan's think the world is going to end...but they were right about gaming, too! Three reasons why gaming will DIE in 2012!
Welcome to the #1 Column to think that JRPGs are really starting to get a bit stale, WORKING TITLE. I don't talk about many RPGs nowadays because I am really not that big of an RPG gamer anymore. But there seems to always been this giant war brewing in the gaming world of JRPG vs. WRPG. The general consensus is that Western fans think that JRPGs are all the same, with the stories about a boy with amnesia and incredible power who will one day rise to save the world from an evil kingdom in a high fantasy setting. Meanwhile Japanese fans think that Western RPGs are all the same with the open world grind fests with open ended stories and emphasis on doing ordinary everyday tasks rather than slaying the best.
I think both of them have a place in the world, but since I am currently reviewing Magna Carta 2 for Xbox 360, I am REALLY seeing how WRPG fans can loop JRPGs into that big generalization. The main character is a boy with amnesia and a princess, the big guy with the axe, the cocky wizard, etc. It's just really...really cliché. Hopefully the game can change my mind before my final review.
Speaking of 'final' things. Did you know that gaming is dead? Yep. It's over. The evil businesses around the world are putting fourth motions to kill gaming. To be fair it's been on its last legs for years now but this is really the first time we have seen any really good evidence that would point to the idea that gaming as we know it is on the verge of death.
And when will gaming die? Well, it's the same time everyone else thinks everyone will die.
2012.
Working Apocalypse - 2012: The Year Gaming Will Die
It's a bold statement, but obviously if you listen to every other analyst, pundit, reviewer, fan, and most of all the people who populate all the comment sections of every videogame website, you will know that be the year 2012 that video games as we know it will die.
There will be so many changes that are being pushed on us poor lowly consumers by companies that we will no longer have any fun in the games we play and we will just be devolved into nothing but a mindless horde of consumers who will make a petition and a boycott in response to everything.
What are these things that will kill gaming by 2012? I'm glad you asked. You deserve to be informed of our favorite pastimes impending doom.
No More Controllers
First it was the Wii, and then it was Xbox 360 and PS3. Gaming has always stuck to controllers and joysticks; anything else is just not the same thing. But now we have companies forcing this motion controls onto us. It's already ruined the Wii forever and now with things like Project NATAL and the SMC we are just going to get subjected by the evil Casual's demand that games no longer play like games.
Do they really expect us all to move around and wave our hands like idiots while we play our games about steroid injected men in power armor with chainsaws on their guns who are fighting steroid injected aliens? Better yet, do they really expect us to purchase things for these so-called motion controls that will help us work out!? Who in the HELL do they think they are!?
We are even taking it a step further with things like NATAL that don't have a controller at ALL. I don't care if I am going to have tons of fun with it or not or that it's painfully responsive to pretty much any and every action that I tell it to do. The games for it could be amazing and Milo just might be one of the biggest technological marvels ever to come out of the world of gaming. It will STILL make me look like the biggest spazzfuck this side of the Atlantic Ocean and we all know playing a game is about looking cool. Period.
And let's just face it. If the Wii looks like a dildo, then the SMC looks like a dildo with an immensely swollen head...and no one looks cool waving those things around.
And ironically project NATAL and SMC are going to start making a splash in what year?
2012!
PC Gaming is dictated by Console Gaming
It's happening right now with MW2 on PCs and also with Starcraft 2! How dare game developers (even ones as downright evil as Activision) tell me I can't have a private server so I can play my pirated copy of a game without them ever noticing!? PC gaming is supposed to be the last bastion of freedom in a world where developers expect you to actually PAY for service and content! Those poor fools on consoles are duped into being loyal fans that fund every little venture their favorite developer or publisher has because they want to see more of the product meanwhile the a good chunk (some might even say the majority) of PC owners are completely fine using our CD Cracks, Torrents, Private Servers and having a grand ole time!
Even Valve, our PC Master Overlord is turning towards the wicked ways of capitalism! How DARE they expect me, a loyal fan who has downloaded every single one of their free packs for Team Fortress and Counterstrike to actually pay MONEY for a game once in awhile!? This is my hard earned money and you can't tell me what to do with it!
You would expect gaming would be dead by now given how bad 2009 has been for us gamers with Left 4 Dead 2 and things like Diablo looking like a Saturday morning cartoon, but luckily they have not taken away our one (tried and true) weapon against this fucking suits who run businesses that want to do nothing but turn a profit.
Our online boycotts and petitions! We stood up to Valve and we showed them how horrible an idea L4D2 was and when they saw our sheer numbers they gave us Crash Course! We got the last laugh, Valve!
But sadly, with the shutdown of private servers which will impact the PC community harder than ever and companies charging money for the content that is put out for the games we (might've) already paid for...well...let's just say that time for PC Gaming might be up and it will become another object to where we will have to show how much we love a game and it's developer by funding them...and when will this happen?
2012!
Games That Play Themselves!?
Okay, now what the fuck is this? You have got be kidding me when you tell me that these fucking developers have somehow come up with GAMES THAT PLAY THEMSELVES!? Yeah, go ahead and read that again. GAMES. THAT. PLAY. THEMSELVES.
So you mean to tell me in games like Bayonetta and New Super Mario Brothers Wii that there is an option that pretty much plays the game for you and all you have to do is just watch!? What the FUCK is the point of that!?
I mean if I am ever going to have trouble in a video game then I am just going to head to GameFAQs and be done with it, I am not going to force myself to watch the video game basically tell me that I suck and then do it for me! Even if I was one of those goddamn casuals who didn't play games too often and just wanted to get past this one level because it frustrated me and I just wanted to go ahead and continue the game due to the fact maybe I didn't have enough time to go to GameFAQs and find out the solution I STILL wouldn't use this feature! I'd rather get frustrated and throw a controller at a wall before I give into this silly notion that not everyone who plays a game is over the between the ages of 10 and 50 and can't decipher an FAQ or just want to watch something awesome!
Just the mere fact that it is an OPTION that I have to choice of either using or ignoring just shows how much Casuals are killing the game industry. I remember back in the day when you had to beat games like Castlevania, Super Mario Brothers, and Metroid in one sitting or with a notebook full of passwords! It was back then when the true gamer WAS that kid who was a shut in who feared sunlight and had no friends because playing a game to them wasn't just a hobby, it was a way of life and something that you put HOURS into. And I personally have not devoted 20+ years into gaming just to see that image of gaming be shattered!
But that is JUST what Nintendo and Sega want to do! They want to make these games super accessible to everyone who doesn't fit the gamer profile and in turn hurt us hardcore gamers! How dare they allow the OPTION of having a game play itself!? What the hell is next? Having a console in which we don't have to do the trek of going to the store and buying a CD, we just download it like lazy fucktards!?
Going to GameStop is like going to Mecca for us! Don't take that away from us!
But you will! And when will they take it away!?
2012!
There you go! Three reasons why 2012 will be the DEATH of gaming! You'd better all start piling up your Japanese imports and rations now. And for those of you that doubt me, I'll be the one laughing while you are all playing games like "Waves Around Like a Douche Casual Adventure". You might laugh at me now, but you all know I am right! The only way we can end this is to REPENT! REPENT I TELL YOU!
Let's all go play some Diablo 2 and remember how awesome it is to support a REAL hardcore game!
...Anyone got a torrent?
Working Question
Seeing as we seem to have been teased by Rockstar with what will be the newest GTA game location. But given the look of the back of the package I think it's leaning towards a UK-themed city this time. But what do you think?
Also...how fucking awesome is Borderlands?
Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams...and I await the comments and emails of the one person who took this column seriously.
I have a feeling more than one person will take this seriously.
Posted By: Katoot (Guest) on October 30, 2009 at 02:39 AM
"What the hell is next? Having a console in which we don't have to do the trek of going to the store and buying a CD, we just download it like lazy fucktards!?"
I assume that was a joke.
Posted By: Bimmy (Guest) on October 30, 2009 at 04:17 AM
careful what you say about JRPG's man.. They are out there. Thats all I'm saying. They are out there.
Posted By: Todd Vote (Registered) on October 30, 2009 at 10:05 AM
Great Column Jordan. The funny thing is that there are actual people out there who would take this column as being factual and actually agree with everything written in this article.
I have some friends who bitch and moan about Motion Controls like it is the end of civilization as we know it. The simple solution to that is that if you don't like Motion Controls, dont use them! Sounds like a pretty simple solution to me.
I doubt that we will ever see a day where games are using motion controls 100%. Companies are smart enough to know not to piss off the hardcore gamers. I see nothing wrong with motion control games being made for the casual gamer while the more old-school gamer can enjoy games with controllers. There is room for both the casual and hardcore gamer, no need to get your panties in a bunch because these companies are trying to expand their fanbase.
Also, what many of the complainers dont realize, is that sometimes these motion control games draw in people who aren't really gamers and as a result they start to become hardcore gamers.
I got a Wii for my g/f and she had a blast with games like Super Mario Galaxy and Super Smash Bros Brawl. When she saw me playing games like Bioshock and Call Of Duty 4 on my 360, she wanted to give it a try. Before I got her the Wii, she had no interest at all in trying to play one of my games. But once she had so much fun playing the Wii games, she wanted to try different kind of games to see if she liked them as much as her Wii games. And she had a blast playing COD4. She wound up being better at that game than a lot of my friends (and maybe even me lol).
Long rant aside, my point is that appealing to casual gamers is a very smart thing to do. Not only does it make the company more money, but many of those casual gamers eventually become hardcore, loyal gamers. Remember, we all started off as casual gamers and we loved it so much that we eventually became addicted to it and branched out to play all types of games.
Posted By: Monty (Guest) on October 30, 2009 at 11:16 AM
Meh... I already own Target Terror.
BRING THE APOCALYPSE ON!
Posted By: The Salms (Registered) on October 30, 2009 at 12:17 PM
Good joke.
Posted By: Truff (Guest) on October 30, 2009 at 12:24 PM
Here here! I think I might start regressing and buy old consoles off e-bay! Start with the Dreamcast and work my way back to the Master System! Give me 3 buttons and 5 hours of continuous play with no save option!
Posted By: Armitage Shanks (Guest) on October 30, 2009 at 12:54 PM
The truth sounds awfully comedic. I for one have been quite dedicated in bitching about the way games keep getting easier nowadays. Trying to appeal to casual gamers is fine, but adjusting everything to suit them alone is not. When there's a difficulty slider in a game, "Easy" shouldn't equal to "Permanent God-mode" and "Hard" as "Semi-Permanent God-mode". I mean, much of the gaming companies's income ought to come out of all those controllers flung around the living room.
Done alot of both JRPGs and WRPGs, and I agree that both have a place in the world. Mad massacres of wimpy monsters with nothing in your mind but how to get that +5 agility and endurance points out of the next level up is all forms of fun! JRPGs are where you head for when you want content, cliché as it may be. But then again, anything and everything fits into a category. Most WRPG stories are also composed of purely "dude with the name and race of your choosing kills a couple of million goblins while serving as an errand boy for the local mages's guild (until they name him the archmage thanks to his dedication to running back and forth in the world in their behalf), which provides him with uber enough enchanted gear and plenty enough healing potions to go one-shot the big doom monstrosity in that there hard-to-reach-place".
Posted By: Garbels (Guest) on October 30, 2009 at 02:14 PM
"and I await the comments and emails of the one person who took this column seriously."
Pussy. You know how many people you'd have gotten if it hadn't been for this line? Now the best you're going to get is a few people who AZN that line.
Posted By: Bobby21 (Registered) on October 30, 2009 at 04:51 PM
Joke to you maybe, but it's essentially how most hardcore/old school gamers feel. Gaming has gone so far away from its roots.
Posted By: Guest#3642 (Guest) on October 30, 2009 at 05:34 PM
Perhaps, Bobby. But even if I had taken that line out anyone who AZN'd to the end of the column wouldn't have commented/emailed anyway. The only way you can get epic amounts of comments is to insult FF7 or Zelda nowadays.
Posted By: JordanTheOgre (Registered) on October 31, 2009 at 12:15 PM
"And for those of you that doubt me, I'll be the one laughing while you are all playing games like "Waves Around Like a Douche Casual Adventure"."
I won't be playing those games...
... because they'll be playing themselves. ;)
Posted By: Guy (Guest) on October 31, 2009 at 01:17 PM
The Mayans never said the world would end in 2012. That idea was thought up by those batshit Christians who are constantly looking for a new date for human life to be blinked out of existance.
Posted By: Highscore Kid (Guest) on October 31, 2009 at 04:10 PM
How can a genre with less than 5 titles in it this generation be "stale"?
Lost Odyssey, for example, while not innovative was the ONLY RPG around to slake the thirsts of people who LIKE the genre... so while some people might play it and think "Oh there was nothing new blah", there are plenty of people who played that game and went "oh, FINALLY one of these on the current gen"...
How about FPS? "Play a 'tough as nails' elite soldier set against a world wide war (usually WWII, though sometimes modern middle east or alien planets), a guy who is underequipped and outnumbered, the only hope against legions of whatever... unless he has a useless squad of cookie cutter flunkies the only other people he'll meet/talk to will be completely useless characters that provide cryptic hints to an anticlimactic finale... but yeah, you're right-- only RPGs have cliche conventions.
Posted By: Guest#7035 (Guest) on November 01, 2009 at 10:05 AM
In 2012... LARPs make a comeback and kids go outside and pretend to be the characters they play in the games.
In 2012... Gyms will all look like the set of Ninja Warrior.
In 2012... Atheletes will play televised videogames as themselves instead of taking the field.
In 2012... Television shows/ movies/ videogames will all be the same thing. Everything will have an interactive component.
In 2012... Seniors and middle-aged women will become the largest gamer demographic.
In 2012... Jack Thompson wins a political office. Yup, we're screwed.
Posted By: Trueindeed (Guest) on November 04, 2009 at 10:20 PM
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