Elimin8 01.29.10: The Worst 8 Games of 2009

Posted by Josh Boykin on 01.29.2010

Elimin8: Where 8 gaming sins are condemned like they should be. This week new 411 columnist Josh Boykin elimin8s the worst games of 2009.

Hey, I'm Josh Boykin, and I enjoy long walks on the beach, sunsets, puppies...oh, wait. This is a 411Mania column? I thought I was putting out a personal on eHarmony...DAMNIT. Alright, let me start over... I'm never gonna get a girlfriend.... ::cries into his blanket::

Hey everyone, I'm Josh Boykin, new columnist for 411 Mania. I'm proud to bring you Elimin8, a weekly Worst 8 countdown of atrocities and offenses of the gaming manner. I'll be searching high and low (mainly low) all over the place to bring you the most noticeably shameful crimes in game-dom. Here's to hoping you like it, and that I don't drive myself insane filtering through this drivel.

Anyway, let's start off the column nice and slow. We're already knee-deep into 2010, and just like 2009 it'll have its classics, but it'll have its steaming piles of crap that companies should be hung upside-down for ever creating. Let's go ahead and Elimin8 the Worst 8 Games of 2009 to clear space for 2010.

ELIMIN8: The Worst 8 Games of 2009


8. Tony Hawk RIDE (PS3, 360, Wii)



I've played Tony Hawk games since the original Pro Skater, ventured through the American Wasteland, took on Project 8. The series has been on the decline for years, and I've tunneled through the crap for at least a few hours each title. When the 10th iteration, RIDE, was announced, I was not happy. I was UNHAPPY, in fact. See, when it gets to the point that I'm physically standing on a skateboard, I feel that I should just...I don't know, go out and skate. Considering the damned thing costs $120 dollars retail, you could spend that money to go out and BUY A REAL SKATEBOARD. But no, the great Birdman would rather have us stand on a wheel-less replica in our rooms performing outlandish tricks and...oh, wait, that doesn't happen. That's because TH: RIDE's controls are HORRIBLE. I mean, god-awful.


"Hey, it's Mii on a skateboard!" How stupid.

I still remember that first 900 I hit in the original Pro Skater, and how hard I thought that was. Still, there were times I felt like I was more likely to go out and hit a 900 in the local skate park than do a kickflip in RIDE. Not to mention I felt like a total ASS trying to play the thing.


This kid even took the time to buy skate shoes. He looks how I felt: stupid.

I understand that the Wii has ushered in a new era of motion-sensitive gaming, that's all well and good. But Wii Sports and other successful motion-based games feel precise and natural, not delayed and complicated like RIDE turned out to be. If I wanted to put this much effort into my experience, I'd, as I've said before, BUY A REAL SKATEBOARD.

This doesn't even begin to go into the limited park sizes, the confusing menu structure, and overall loss of appeal RIDE offers. Mr. Hawk, you've put plenty of nails into the coffin that is the "Tony Hawk" game franchise. Next time you or someone else decides to put out a gimmick-ridden cheap trick like this, take the board from this fun-lacking wonder and beat whoever's responsible. You'll feel better, I promise.


7. Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad (360)



The Japanese have plenty of habits and tendencies that seem a little strange to the rest of us. I don't think I've ever stopped at a vending machine and thought, "Wow, I really wish I could get a pair of used women's panties right now." But that must occur to some portion of the Japanese market, because they sure have those machines around (look it up, it's no lie). So I understand that there's a certain market in Japan that may appreciate poorly composed games featuring half-naked digital women. But perhaps those games should stay in Japan.

Now, I'm not knocking Japan, the birthplace of Nintendo, Sony, Final Fantasy, and so many other gaming gems I treasure to this day. But Tamsoft, the lovable company that they are, decided they wanted to bring Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad over here to the good ol' US of A. And I don't know what kind of reception they were expecting with this kind of crap, but I hope they saw the train wreck coming.


Hot chicks with swords? What could go wrong? So much. OH SO MUCH.

You see, over here in the US, we have this thing called "pornography." And there are many different ways to "find it on them internets," so the idea of a game that holds no merit other than flashy half-costumes and "racy" lathered shower scenes is a rather poor one to me. Especially if I have to BUY it.

"But Josh, it's budget priced! Only 40 dollars! You paid 60 for Modern Warfare 2!" Yeah, I paid that, and it was worth every single penny. But somehow Onechanbara took the almost heaven-sent combination of scantily-clad women and zombie warfare and created a miserable monster of a game. Imagine Dynasty Warriors-level button mashing, but take away about 90% of the enjoyment and skill. And for those of you who don't find Dynasty Warriors fun or skillful in the first place, well... imagining something even worse will instill upon you the pain of Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad.


She didn't kill the zombie. It pulled its own head off out of sheer boredom and misery.


6. Star Wars – The Clone Wars: Republic Heroes (PS3, 360, Wii, DS)



A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a legendary epic of a story took place. A short time ago, in a galaxy that's, well, this one, George Lucas decided to cash in on that story and make multiple millions of dollars, putting together three FANTASTIC movies and three, well, crappy movies. Then he decided that the mountain of cash he'd already raked from whoring the franchise out through the first 6 movies wasn't enough, so he made a 7th one. An animated one. Star Wars, Lucas just made another order. Walk those streets and make that money.

When will the whore-dom cease, Lucas? "Not today," he responded as Star Wars – The Clone Wars: Republic Heroes was released. Based on the whore TV series that came from the whore 7th movie, Republic Heroes is yet another blatant attempt to cash in on the most financially-successful science-fiction series ever. What blows my mind is LucasArts inability to create a LIGHTSABER game on the Wii worth playing, but let's not go there. Instead, let's go to the nonsense of RH.


You see that bored, uninterested look in her face? It's the same one you'll have while playing.

Ripping off Lego Star Wars shouldn't be hard, but somehow Republic Heroes shows just how difficult mimicry is. Terribly unresponsive controls, bad platforming, and overall uninspired gameplay make me want to send this game down to the bottom of Naboo's oceans with Jar Jar Binks and Hayden Christensen. It still blows my mind how challenging, fun games like Super Return of the Jedi and Shadows of the Empire devolved into this crap. But hey, I'm not the one making stacks of money off of it; I just have to writhe in pain as I watch a childhood fantasy be torn to unrespectable bits. ::shrugs::


You'll want a lightsaber through your head, too, if you play this game.


5. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (PS3, 360, Wii)



I'll start by saying I watch movies for plot, character development, and all that other nonsense the movie industry seems to care less and less about. And even though I tried to not care about those facets when I walked into a Saturday night showing of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, I still thought it SUCKED TO HIGH HEAVEN. Even as a blow 'em up movie it failed. There, it's off my chest.

That being said, sucky movies will spawn sucky games. And movies with potential have the potential to produce quality games, but G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra wasn't one of those quality games. I really wanted to see solid action, tight gameplay, and good graphics, even if the game was a direct rip-off of something else. Come on, it's G.I. Joe! They've been around forever! Don't they deserve a good game?

Oh wait, Hasbro's in it. Nevermind.


"Look, we don't want trouble, we just want to get to our Boggle tournament."

I'll blame the board-game company for making this game as bad as the movie they also had a hand in. The creators of Mr. Potato Head and Scrabble have no business with bullets and explosions, but somehow they managed to work with EA to put together an abysmal two-player co-op experience with bad targeting, bad combat, and bad one-liners. Le sigh, Hasbro/EA...le sigh.

Both G.I. Joes, the movie and the game, left me with only two positive experiences. Here they are:


One.


Two.


4. Dragonball: Evolution (PSP)



I'll say it again: sucky movies will spawn sucky games. And this movie should have NEVER BEEN MADE. Therefore it goes without saying that this game should have never been made, either. As a long-running DBZ fan, I've always wanted a good live-action DBZ movie. But I didn't get it. I got teabagged by Dragonballz. And they supplemented that crap with Dragonball Evolution exclusively for the PSP, yet another insult to the 42 PSP owners (myself included) out there in the world.

Like most all other DBZ games, Dragonball Evolution is a derivative fighting game rehashing basic characters and story from a series started almost 20 years ago. Except this game uses character models and tweaks from the new, horrendous movie. The AI sucks, the graphics pretty well suck, and the fighting engine used for Shin Budokai shows up, but you don't use most of your moves since, as I said before, the AI sucks, so you really don't need to.


Wow. How epic. Son Gohan doesn't even look like he cares.

The one thing that DBZ games past had were unlockables. TONS OF UNLOCKABLES. Sure, you might not use many of them, but from the original Budokai all through Infinite World, DBZ fighters have had tons of characters, items, play modes and the like. Not this game. Try unlockable storyboards! Movie stills! Great.

Dragonball Evolution is number 4 because of what it could have been, and because of the betrayal it feels like while its wielding the Dragonball name. Sure, Dragonball series fighters are usually pretty much the same from iteration to iteration, but you can usually rely on them being at least FUN. This was not.


3. Rogue Warrior (PS3, 360, PC)



Gamers that don't know phrases like "I've got BALLS OF STEEL," and "It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of gum," have missed out on one of the legends of gaming bad-assery: Duke Nukem. It's been some time ("forever", some might say) since we've seen a Nukem game, and so periodically a new badass must arise from the flames to satisfy our urge for chaos, violence, and epic rage. Rogue Warrior wanted to be that game. And it failed. Oh, how it failed.

From the box art to the script, this game screams, "I'm hardcore! PLEEEEAAASSSEEE BELIEVE ME!" Go to the website, and it cries the same thing; dark, black and white "hardcore" color schemes combine with a deep, intimidating voice to tell you that in Rogue Warrior you play as "Dick Marcinko – Real-life founder of SEAL Team Six and the US Navy's most efficient killing machine." That would be great if it were fun. Or easy to control. Or had a likeable main character with personality. Or had good graphics. Or interesting villains. Or...well, pretty much any of the things gamers want in their badass games.


Aww, look at him trying to be all intimidating with his facial hair and sunglasses on his cap...
The game spends all its time trying too hard. And damn does it try too hard. Marcinko's dialog has enough swearing in it to make Tony Soprano stand in awe, and the game itself is spectacular in the way it fails to satisfy absolutely ANY of the qualifications of a game that should make it on the shelves, much less be taken off of one by a consumer for 60 dollars. Enemies are stupid and deaf, allowing you to approach them and execute one of your gory close-quarter kills with virtually no planning, which is good since the level structure is so limited.

Don't bother looking for hallways to go around or corners to duck into, hidden branching pathways or any of that...you're Dick Marcinko, and obviously you don't need those kinds of things. Oh, and did I mention it's under five hours? Under three hours, even? Unless you get hungry and go to make a sandwich and catch a couple episodes of Law and Order in the middle of gameplay...and trust me, you'll consider your time much better spent.


Buy Rogue Warrior, and you'll wish someone would come do this to you.


2. Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust (PS3, 360, PC)



Someone decided back in 2004 to attempt to revive a popular lewd PC franchise called "Leisure-Suit Larry." Tweaking the formula a bit and centering the game around Larry Laffer's nephew, Larry Lovage, Leisure-Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude did exactly what it told you it would in the title: come up with any excuse to use crude sexual humor. Featuring women with animated breasts the size of small countries, Magna Cum Laude surprised many by offering decent gameplay, humor that was irreverent yet funny, and giving an overall enjoyable gaming experience, though it was nothing to write home about. Funsta, a deparment of Codemasters, decided to try to make lightning strike the same place twice with Box Office Bust. Wow, did they fail. I mean, what a terrible, horrible failure of a game.


Definitely not a Thriller. At all. Move on.

Funsta tried to push the envelope with the humor, and then FAILED. I wish I could find a better way to describe the disaster of this game. The "game" parts of this "wretched hive of scum and villainy" (hooray for good Star Wars references) combine a miserable camera, unresponsive controls, terrible platforming, and poor dialogue with drab scenery, piss-poor minigames, and a disaster of a main character. The parts people play the game for, the sex and vulgarity, are neither effective nor appealing. The sex is only alluded to, and poorly at that; the "sex" scene is a rocking trailer. Yep, for all of you out there playing this game for the sexual ridiculousness, I hope watching a movie set trailer rock back and forth satisfies your drive. Everyone else, melt this game into an irrecoverable plastic goo, then bury it deep in the ground so nobody has to be exposed to this mess again.


1. Sexy Poker (WiiWare)



Perhaps you think this is an odd game to choose as the worst game of 2009, but this game simultaneously represents the mass elimin8tion of ALL sense and logic in the industry. Sexy Poker was released by Gameloft, a cheap game whore responsible for the "Nights" series of cell phone dating simulations that made their unfortunate way into a DS crossover. How a company retains respect for itself when it puts out titles like this I'm not quite sure...then again, this represents everything that went wrong with the slumware of 2009 (Yeah, I'm coining a term. Definition: games that producers damned well knew they should have never created but did anyway), and every other year, for that matter.

Tony Hawk RIDE might have terrible controls, but it's made for children, not the hardcore. GI Joe and Dragonball are both movie tie-ins, so you can't expect much from them. And though Onechanbara and Box Office Bust are both guilty of heinous sex-usage crimes, they're on big-kids systems: the PS3, and the 360. But Sexy Poker decided to step low and introduce itself to the "family-friendly" collection of Wiiware, putting it in a place it never should have been in the first place.


Oh, she's just intimidated by my ripped body. Maybe if I play MW2 shirtless my kill-death ratio will skyrocket.

Sexy Poker is WiiWare, which means it's basically marketed to children, the 8-12 year-old crowd that tries to watch HBO after 9 PM to watch softcore porn-related. And don't get me started on that "The Wii has serious titles for older gamers" crap, because No More Heroes and Madworld (the only mature games US "hardcore" players have on the Wii) have GAMEPLAY, and sit on a real shelf at a real store, and they have real price tags with real age restrictions. Sexy Poker, on the other hand, has a thin gloss of Texas Hold-em doubled with a light coating of Blackjack, both of which are uninspired, limited-representations featuring idiot AI. Anyone who really wanted to play these card games would buy a real poker or casino game, even download the other gambling games featured on the Wii Virtual Console, but still this game exists.

I understand that businesses are out to make money however possible, but Sexy Poker doesn't even do what it sets out to do all that well. The titular climax (pun double-whammy) of the game comes when you finally take all the money from the girl you're playing against, forcing her to bet her clothing in lieu of cash. The "fun" stops when she's stripped down to her bathing suit, by which point the player is ready to dive face-first into a meat-grinder from the sheer boredom of the game. If there were some sort of entertainment...any sort of entertainment at all to be found in this title, maybe it'd be excusable. But there's nothing this game brings to the table that 5 seconds of browsing a flash game website can't do. The fact that they expect you to pay ANYTHING for this almost brings a tear to my eye, and the fact that people actually HAVE bought this title hurts just as badly. Developers waste our time with this crap because there are other consumers that pay for it; gamers with standards just have to sit back and watch the nonsense happen.


Wow, how terribly accurate. FLOP.

Well, enough of my ranting. 8 titles reviewed and tossed, and not a moment too soon. Think I missed a title, or want to stick up for one I put on the chopping block? Drop a comment and let me know.

Or you could hit me up on Twitter. (Shameless plug)

Ladies and gents, try these links on for size:

http://www.twitter.com/joshbatman
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And just as a side note, if you work for Gameloft, quit your searching. Your dignity's been elimin8ed.

Screenshots
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