Declamations and Diatribes 2.20.10 - Alan Wake, Rock Band, E3 and More!

Posted by Aaron Koehn on 02.20.2010

The Cynical Gamer explains why Viacom wants its money back, and gives you the skinny on when you can expect some notable releases in the upcoming year. He also dedicates plenty of virtual ink to the video game superstars of yesterday: The Arcade Denizen.




Microsoft decides to release Alan Wake on May 18th after 5 years of development.
Alan Wake, also known as video games' Chinese Democracy, is set to appear on store shelves on the 18th of May alongside other games that took a fifth of the time to develop. Will it be worth the wait? Who knows/cares, but one thing The Cynical Gamer does know is that rarely do flashlights (Alan Wake's main weapon) keep you from getting beat up by evil mobs. But why mock the classic tool known as the flashlight when it's on the cusp of regaining pop-culture relevance. And that's not the only lighted instrument gamers will have at their disposal on the 18th. Players can also expect to wield such deadly armaments as flares, candles, and lighters. So evil doers better figure out a way to survive vicious battles with weaponry that stiff breezes have been known to extinguish.

Alan Wake is being developed by the competent yet unhurried, Remedy Entertainment, who last worked on the hit Max Payne 2 (a game released 7 years ago). The game will see release in two packages: the standard $60.00 edition, and for an extra $20.00 consumers can also choose to get the limited edition box set. Aforementioned boxed set includes:
-Boxed game disc with art
-144 page companion book which includes a short story and background on the game's plot
-In-game audio commentary and hints
-An audio disc with the soundtrack and score
-Xbox Live code redeemable for the initial Alan Wake add-on content
-An Alan Wake Xbox Live theme and avatar



MTV's Rock Band held responsible for lower Viacom revenues.
Is this the day the music-played-on-plastic-replicated-instrument-controllers died? Recent signs seem to indicate that many people have decided not to "rock on" when it comes to this once lucrative genre, and as a result the rhythm gaming market has taken a hit in sales. And while The Beatles Rock Band was able to sell a satisfactory number of stand alone discs (over a million sold to date), it is the multi-instrumental packs -- the proven money-makers -- that have dropped significantly in sales. Why, you ask? Well some claim that there are a number of straightforward and reasonable explanations that are easily conveyable and even easier to understand, but The Cynical Gamer is gonna do all you lucky readers a favor and offer his more likely explanation. Two words: Yoko Ono. Was it not this same lady who single-handedly broke up the best musical group the universe will ever know? And was it not this same woman who murdered visitors at her hotel due to the wishes of her decaying mother located in the Victorian mansion above said hotel (note: last statement may or may not be true). Yes, it was, and as this video demonstrates, Mrs. Ono had quite a lot to do with Beatles Rock Band: Exhibit A

As a result of the disappointing sales of multi-instrumental packs, Viacom has asked that developer Harmonix return a substantial amount of money that was given to them as remuneration for their prior success. This is even further bad news for a company that had to layoff 39 people in December, and with the market for musical-based games seemingly shrinking by the second, even tougher times seem to be ahead for this once game-developing king.

Over 120 exhibitors are scheduled to appear at E3 2010.
It was just a few years ago when the Entertainment Software Association decided that it no longer wanted it's massive gaming convention to resemble Kirstie Alley, and instead they went for a look that was more in-line with Calista Flockhart. And while that rationale seems like it should normally work, when it comes to gaming and reality TV shows where men attempt to lose manboobs, bigger is better.

E3 2010 is shaping up to be the portly gaming free-for-all that we all once knew and loved, and with the list of exhibitors currently sitting at 120 -- a number which should only grow as June 15 draws nearer -- we can all revisit our dreams of swimming through heaps of upcoming titles like Scrooge McDuck in his money bin. It's also noteworthy to mention the return of Activision and LucasArts to E3. These two companies were conspicuously absent from last year's event, which unfortunately meant that there were fewer ladies roaming the trade floor dressed up in princess Leia's slave garb.

Fun Math Equation: If E3 2010 has 120 exhibitors, and each exhibit incorporates at least 3 "booth babes," that would mean that the Los Angeles convention center would assimilate around 360 eye-catching ladies who are all willing to dress in ridiculous costumes in order to make a meager sum of coin. God truly did bless America!

Capcom releases the release date for Dead Rising 2. The Cynical Gamer releases Capcom's release of the release date below.
On the 31st of August 2010, Dead Rising 2 will be available for purchase at stores across the nation, and once again mankind will be forced to endure zombie horde assaults on their capitalistic entertainment hubs. Fortunately for Capcom, George Romero never filmed a zombie movie in casino, and so the Japanese-based video game producer won't have to worry about potential lawsuits claiming "unlicensed adaptation." And while you'd expect most Dead Rising fans to be happy about the imminent possibility of impaling zombie strippers with roulette wheels, Capcom did drop another news-nugget that had PS3 Dead Rising fans cursing at their Ken Kutaragi posters (for you Wii owners, Mr. Kutaragi is President and CEO of Sony). Only Xbox 360 owners will have the ability to download extra content entitled, Dead Rising 2: Case Zero, which will bridge the stories of DR1 and DR2, as well as offer explanations regarding the new characters and new locations. Pricing has yet to be announced for this upcoming downloadable content, but one PS3 fanboy has been quoted as saying "Dead Rising 2: Case Zero will cost more than two million dollars," before sighing and then throwing himself in front of a moving train.



Electronic Arts decides to not release NCAA Basketball this year.
March sadness has arrived early at the offices of Electronic Arts, where it's rumored that negotiations with NCAA over licensing rights have soured, and as a result, the collegiate hoops simulator has been benched. And with the other college basketball series (2K's NCAA College Hoops) having already gone the way of the dinosaurs, where will round ball fans turn next month once they lose the five bucks they entered in their office's bracket pool? Well, since game publishers are unable to use the names or likenesses of college athletes per the NCAA's continued ban, why not just play NCAA Basketball 2009 and simply pretend you're playing the most recent iteration. And since EA has done so little in the way of innovation with the series, especially compared to their bread and butter football titles, it's unlikely that you'd be able to tell a difference gameplay-wise anyway. Usually gamers are very prepared to shake their collective fists at EA, but with NCAA Bball 09 having only sold 155,000 games over all the platforms last year, I have a feeling EA isn't going to see as many "let's boycott Electronic Arts" threads on the message boards as they used to.


XBLA will sell an updated version of Rare's classic shooter, Perfect Dark (to be developed by 4J Studios), for $10.00 in March.
Hey, remember when Rare made games people enjoyed playing? It's been almost 10 years since the once acclaimed developer first unleashed the deadly fire-crotch known as Joanna Dark on the world, and since then Rare has had about as many hits as a Priest at an acid-dropping party (that's not many for those who are unfamiliar with men of the cloth). So with 4J Studios handling development of this remake, the possibility that it could contain modern gaming attributes that contemporary gamers would enjoy greatly improves. However, those concerned that many of their favorite, classic features could get lost in translation can rest easy with the knowledge that the remake will also contain all the modes seen in the original, only now with updated high-definition graphics.

The re-release of Perfect Dark will coincide with a litany of other XBLA games, all part of Microsoft's "March Block Party," which will see a different game released each week for the entirety of the month. In keeping with two word titles, the other games to be released in March include, Toy Soldiers, Game Room, and Scrap Metal. No word on whether anyone has yet decided to redo Rare's all-time greatest game: Grabbed by Ghoulies.



The $400.00 Final Fantasy XIII Xbox360 bundle is a rumor no-more.
Unlike the great North American ape, Bigfoot, the once-mythical 250GB, Xbox360-FFXIII bundle is no longer the stuff of legends, with Microsoft confirming its existence and announcing its release on the 9th of March. And what do gamers get for shelling out 400 clams on this once fabled bundle? How about a pair of controllers, a white Xbox360 with an attached 250GB hard drive, a copy of the game FFXIII, a power cord, an A/V cable, and now for the real cherry on top, access to exclusive downloadable avatar items (probably a hat for your avatar that says something like "XIII"). Microsoft has also announced that they are creating limited edition FFXIII faceplates for the 360. However, said faceplates will not be included in the bundle, so if you need your Xbox to showcase a picture of an androgynous man/woman with a giant sword-gun, you're going to have to find additional cash to procure such a hot commodity. This will hold especially true since Microsoft has said that the faceplate will only be available in "fixed quantities," and it's important to note that rarely do brick and mortar retailers prevent patrons/cynical game journalists from purchasing their entire stock of rare faceplates and then selling them for a fortune on the internets.



Now-defunct Midway has all its arcade classics removed from XBLA .
Once there was a time where you could go to only one place to truly enjoy video games, and that locale was a dark, smoke-filled den, where out-of-shape, mullet-adorned 30-year-olds spent copious amounts of 7-11 wages on games most likely developed by Midway. Never before have gentlemen, who may or may not have been on the sex-offender registry, developed such credibility and celebrity status, and unfortunately for those sweaty, glove-with-fingertips-cut-off-adorned men, the glory days of the arcade came to an end. However, that did not mean that gaming's most productive arcade giant would be forced to shutter its doors, and for years Midway was able to produce both original IP and reworked, classic, arcade hits. That was, until recently. With Midway declaring bankruptcy, and having all its assets sold off, the once great gaming factory officially ceased to exist, and its notable story seemingly came to a conclusion. Or did it? Late last week it was revealed that the last remnants of the company -- its cherished arcade classics available on XBLA -- were being taken down without notice, seemingly adding another final chapter to this sad tale. A final chapter that basically only detailed the concluding kick to the crotch of this defeated publisher.

The titles that unexpectedly disappeared include Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3, Smash TV, Gauntlet, Joust, Cyberball 2072, Defender, Paperboy, Robotron 2084, and worst of all Rootbeer Tapper. Gamers who previously purchased the above-listed titles will still have access to them, or the ability to re-download them. However, for the ten of millions of gamers who were poised to tap numerous kegs of Rootbeer via XBLA but procrastinated just a little too long, well…..they are, as the old proverb goes, shit out of luck.



Lego Star Wars 3: The Clone Wars prepares for deployment this fall.
Great news for people who enjoy reliving classic movies by way of children's toys: Lego Star Wars is back! If you loved waging war with vehicles made of interlocking blocks in Lego Star Wars 1 and 2, then why not take the ol' Millennium Falcon for a spin through the Alderann System again (note: before angry fanboys point out my erroneous Star Wars' chronology, I am aware that the Millennium Falcon did not appear in the prequels and will therefore not be making an appearance in the Clone Wars. Now why don't you go out and try to touch a boob)?

Since the general gaming public seems to love the combination of Legos and intergalactic wars, LucasArts has decided to lay claim to the lucrative franchise by pulling it out of the hands of previous developer, Eidos, like a super-charged tractor beam. The game will still be developed by Traveller's Tales, and there are talks of new features, such as customizable bases and "close combat." However, we should all shudder knowing that with the franchise now sitting in LucasArts' diabolical clutches, George Lucas is now that much closer to somehow affecting its development. And we all remember what happens when the elderly Lucas works his magic today.

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I have a good feeling that the medium of video games will produce more news next week, and as a result of that inevitability you can expect to find more text here relaying said news. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got lots of weight lifting eating to catch up on.

Screenshots
All 6 Alan Wake Screenshots