Declamations and Diatribes 02.25.10: PSP GO, DSI XL, Assassin's Creed Novel, More!

Posted by Aaron Koehn on 02.25.2010

The Cynical Gamer enlightens the masses about Sony’s attempts to get someone, anyone, to buy a PSP GO, while also ribbing the DSI XL, Sony’s “universal game controller,” the Assassin’s Creed novel, and a pro golfer who thinks people need to hear him apologize. That’s all this week in Declamations and Diatribes!




Sony attempts to persuade you to buy a PSP Go by offering a free game.
You'd think at the rate the PSP Go was selling that it came with a free contagious disease, but in fact it comes with nothing free. Nothing free, nothing bundled, and nothing worth its $250.00 price tag. However, gamers do get a healthy dose of regret after they're forced to wait 45 minutes for their first purchased game to download (that's after the 90 or so minutes it takes for the battery to charge). So in an attempt to reduce some of the frustration/violent-anger of the 100 or so people who purchased a Go, Sony has decided to include a free game download with the purchase of this maddening machine. "You mean I can download any PSP game I want, for free?" says an intrigued consumer. To which the Cynical Gamer responds, "Of course not, only Little Big Planet or Assassin's Creed are subject to the deal. Now stop staring at my ripped arm muscles because you're embarrassing me." Granted Sony is offering gamers a choice, and granted that the choices aren't really bad ones. It still doesn't hide the fact that the system is overpriced, it can't play UMDs, it has a smaller screen than the cheaper PSP, it isn't compatible with standard Memory Stick Pro Duo, and it feels physically unbalanced while it's being used due to poor design. If Sony really wants to sell this impractical system, they're going to have to take a page out of the aging prostitute's playbook and drop their price, because right now, the argument to purchase a Go is about as convincing as an adulterous pro golfer's apology.

Nintendo holds true to its annual pattern of releasing a redesigned DS for the third consecutive year with the release of the DSI XL next month.
On March 28, gamers with never-ending pockets can prepare to add yet another DS to their collection of various and slightly different dual-screened handhelds. Meaning that if you've accumulated each iteration of this fertile console (all four), you'll have a total of eight tiny screens to view an assortment of plumbers, plumbers' go-karts, trainable fighting monsters, professors named Layton, and so on. And why would someone want to fork out the $190.00 dollars that's required to obtain such a very familiar-looking system? Well, what if I told you that the new DS has the capacity to play actual Wii games on it through a wi-fi connection, and what if it was also able to download television shows and movies from your TV via the same wi-fi connection, and then as a capper, what if I told you that new DS owners would also be able to travel through time and levitate and use awesome force-powers like in the Star Wars movies all by means of this wonderful new handheld. Would that be reason enough to cough up nearly another 200 clams? Of course it would; unfortunately, this new DS has none of those awesome features, and all it really can lay claim to doing differently is possessing a slightly bigger screen than the previous DS.

On a touching personal note, The Cynical Gamer also once spent his hard-earned legal tender on the system that sports two screens, but that was back in 2004 when the world was a different place. That was a time when people stuck by their handheld systems due to familiarity and a feeling of kinship, unlike today, where gamers toss aside systems every year for ones that are a different color or have a screen that's 0.4 inches bigger. So yeah, I stayed true to my first DS, and I ask you, the intrepid reader, to do the same and tell Nintendo it's time to take part in some real innovation. Because unlike that dork who's named after an endangered species (I'm talking about a tiger), and who made a fortune playing a game (you guessed it, golf), I stick by my initial commitments. Maybe that's why my genitals aren't covered in STDs.



Sony files a patent for a universal game controller that would mimic other system's controller layouts via an LCD touch-screen-pad.
This bit of news is reserved for only the hardcorest of the hardcore gamers. For the gamers who have dedicated entire summers to playing this very sedentary pastime, at the expense of a normal skin-tone and "healthy" waistline. To the men, women, boys and girls who have for years disregarded normal social interaction, to intermingle with a machine that they feel they have more in common with than the rest of humanity. And as a result of those days spent under the watchful tutelage of Sega, Atari, and Nintendo, they've acquired what scholars describe as a whole shit-load of gaming systems. Now, the Cynical Gamer sees nothing wrong with such a lifestyle, and he himself has certainly broken a few girls' hearts by dedicating his life to the Marios and Sonics of the world (editor's note: no such broken-hearted girls exist). That was until Sony brought up a glaring problem with said existence: extreme controller accumulation.

How many times have you attempted to play a gaming machine and you couldn't figure out which controller went to which system, and then when you do figure it out, it was a 50/50 crapshoot as to which was the first-player controller and which was the second. If I could count all the minutes dedicated to this controller conundrum it would top out at least five, maybe six, minutes max. Well thankfully Sony has a solution: one universal gaming controller that can be programmed to mimic the layout of other system's controllers. Never mind that the button formations are laid out on an LCD screen, meaning there would be no physical response to pressing buttons. And never mind the fact that each system has distinctive controllers that take on a one-of-a-kind form which is best suited for playing games on that particular system, a concept that would get totally lost due to this device's unalterable physical form. Apparently Sony thinks gaming controllers are like Universal TV remotes, and all you need is a way to input a command, and how it is inputted is trivial. The patent indicates that the controller would be able to emulate all the modern system's controllers as well as old favorites, like the Atari Jaguar, any of Sega's systems, and Turbographics, to name a few. But like one professional athlete who I'll codename Mr. Woods, I'm gonna bet most gamers like to have the multitude of choices to select from, because rarely can one thing do the same quality job as a mass collection of inimitable others.



David Jaffe maybe announces a Twisted Metal game could possibly be in development for the PS3, again?
Last week, during the D.I.C.E. Interactive Achievement Awards (gaming's attempt to show pop-culture relevance by handing out trophies) long-time game designer David Jaffe was repeatedly questioned about the status of his well-known car-combat series, Twisted Metal, by a drunken event-attendee. Since Jaffe was presenting an award at the time of the intoxicated interrogation, he carefully chose his words as not to detract from the recognized merits of the awarded winner: "Soon, bitch. Eight or nine months," responded Jaffe. Now it's difficult to determine whether that's an official Twisted Metal PS3-announcement, but if he'd wanted to silence the inebriated questioner's query, he probably would've said something similarly eloquent, like "Shut your alcohol-hole, you worthless waste of skin……bitch," which he didn't. It's also fair to note that this isn't the first time Jaffe's referenced the PS3 along with a new Twisted Metal. In fact, gamers who don't regularly hit the bottle may remember that Jaffe included a secret code in his reworked Twisted Metal Head On, which read: Metal is coming on PS3.

So why after all these revelations are there still questions surrounding the status of the game? Because neither Sony, nor Jaffe will further expound upon these brief disclosures that are only surrendered via code or to drunks at award shows. And when they are pressed to make some sort of formal, "official" announcement, they become more tight-lipped than a skank who has been paid copious amounts of cash by a golfer to not talk about affairs. Still, I would be really surprised if Jaffe lied to that inebriated loudmouth, because we all know that blurting out indiscriminate inquiries during an alcohol bender that annoys everyone in the vicinity, usually gets really reliable results

The Assassin's Creed novelization finally sees a North Anerican release.
Listen, if anyone tries to convince you that gamers aren't intelligent simply point to your copy of the newly released Assassin's Creed novel and say, "do dumb persons do book reading?" That should shut that pretentious elitist up. Released last year in the UK, Assassin's Creed Renaissance details the exploits and adventures of Ezio Auditore da Firenze as he roams Italy engaging in his vocation of building-climbing and people-killing. While the main structure of the book details many of the events seen in the games, gaming-readers can also anticipate portions where the previously known plot gets further expanded and supplemented. And at the inexpensive price of $9.99, a bookworm who also makes a living by knocking a ball into a hole via a club will still be able to afford that Yacht for his wife after she finds out that he's been sleeping with skips, skanks and scallywags in every major U.S. city. Also, if you're over the age of 13, I'd probably steer clear of Renaissance because its prose is pretty simple and really seems targeted for kids. And if you're under the age of 13, I can't really advocate it because some of the language and subject matter is pretty crude. So for those of you who don't fit into those two demographics, I totally recommend Assassin's Creed Renaissance.



Super Mario returns to the final frontier on May 23rd with a hungry dinosaur in tow.
If there are two things that you instantly think of when the word "outer-space" is mentioned, it is probably dinosaurs and mute plumbers. At least that's what Nintendo is banking on come the 23rd of next month, when Super Mario returns to boldly go where no unionized day-laborer has gone before. This time, and as mentioned in the headline, Mario will come equipped with his favorite famished dinosaur, Yoshi, who will still need to be freed from his egg-imprisonment, but once he is Watch Out, because players will now be able to control that deadly dino-tongue via the Wii's point and aim mechanic. Another new inclusion in Mario's second celestial go-round, and one that is poised to alter the inferior way mankind looks at plumbers and their infamous cracks, will be a powerful drill tool that enables travel straight through planets from one side to the other. Apparently this will create a myriad of puzzling elements that will "tax the malleable brains of game-players to the max!" (quote taken directly from the mouth of the Cynical Gamer prior to writing this blurb). There is no official word yet on whether Mario's taller and less rotund brother will make an appearance in Galaxy 2, but since Luigi has appeared in more Mario games than T. Woods has itchy bumps on his privates, I'd say the chances are good.

Warner Brothers buys a majority stake in Batman: Arkham Asylum developer, Rocksteady.
Add Rocksteady to the growing list of game-related acquisitions that Warner Brothers Interactive Entertainment has recently made, which also include Traveller's Tales (developer of Lego Star Wars), recently-bankrupt publisher Midway (developer of Mortal Kombat), and Snowblind Studios (a developer currently working on a Lord of the Rings game). Now I know what question you're asking yourself, and before you hyperventilate over the potential excitement, let me articulate this gaming-fantasy so that the weight of this mind-blowing dream can truly sink in with us all. Now that Warner Brothers owns the rights to LOTRs, The DC universe including Batman, Lego-based games, and Mortal Kombat, will we finally be able to play a Lego: Mortal Kombat vs. DC vs. LOTRs game? I can already picture a Lego-ized Kano ripping Superman's heart out in front of the black gate of Mordor. Or how about using Jax's cybernetic Lego-arms to pound in the face of Bilbo Baggins while his boyfriend, Sam, cries in the Bat-cave background? Can you say greatest game in the history of time?

Warner Brothers Interactive Entertainment has announced that the talented Rocksteady -- which has already been working on a Batman: Arkham Asylum sequel -- will not be solely relegated to the Dark Knight, and will also see significant work on other notable WB intellectual properties as well. However, the aforementioned Batman sequel, which was originally published by competitor, Eidos, will now be published by Warner Brothers, which hopes the high level of quality seen in Arkham Asylum was not a fluke from the still-young developer. All the same, I'd stay tuned to Declamations and Diatribes for further revelations and possible announcements regarding the greatest game ever conceived: Lego: Mortal Kombat vs. DC vs. Lord of the Rings. Oh, and Tiger Woods is a moron and an ass.



I have a good feeling that the medium of video games will produce more news next week, and as a result of that inevitability you can expect to find more text here relaying said news. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got lots of babes to make-out with hair to pick out of my shower drain.

Screenshots
All 4 Assassin's Creed Screenshots