Declamations and Diatribes 3.11.10: No More Tomb Raider, Sony Hates Demos, and More!

Posted by Aaron Koehn on 03.11.2010

Square Enix decides no more Tomb Raider, but plenty more Lara Croft; Sony doesn’t want gamers playing demos for too long; and the Cynical Gamer puts his life on the line by revealing who has most likely been cast as the Dark Knight’s sidekick in Arkham Asylum 2.




Square Enix announces that they will release a new Tomb Raider game this year, sans the recognizable Tomb Raider moniker.
For those gamers who recently enjoyed playing Uncharted but thought Nathan Drake could use bigger breasts, your strange prayers have been answered, because Square Enix is prepared to release another adventure starring that British lady who is able to feed thousands of babies via her mammary glands. Now there are three reasons why this story is notable. One, this newest adventure in the series will no longer contain the title, Tomb Raider, in an effort to draw more focus to the star of the show, Lara Croft. The new title is expected to be "Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light," and I've had it confirmed to me that crystal skulls won't be involved (thank god!). Two, the game will not be available in a hard copy, and it will be solely purchasable through digital distribution channels. So for those of you who always traded in your Tomb Raider games after discovering that there wasn't a nude code, you will no longer have the option to get rid of the game that is unfortunately rated mature exclusively due to its "adult language." And Three, and this question goes out to all you super mega-nerds (yours truly included), is there any chance this scene will make it into the new game? Slave Leia FTW (I'm not sure what FTW means, I just see all the kids using it now-a-days and I want to seem relevant).



Microsoft enables Xbox Live users to cite sexual orientation, race, nationality, and religious affiliation in their user profiles.
People, we have overcome! We have diligently fought the "man" for years, in the face of ever-escalating odds and adversity, with little hope of triumph. Yet, here we stand, victors of an incredible cause, champions of a courageous ideal, gamers who now have the ability to mention whether or not we attend a Lutheran or a Methodist church. Power has finally come to the people. Can I get an AMEN! At least that is if you can afford to pay the 800 Microsoft points ($10) required to afford such civil liberties. That's right, for a nominal fee all Xbox Live users will now be able to list whether they are attracted to the same or opposite sex, if they display a Christmas tree or Menorah come December, or if their skin burns easily in the summertime. However, expressive gamers shouldn't get too excited, because like a parent turning over the car keys for the night, these new freedoms come with some boundaries. For starters, for all you jokers out there who plan on listing their religious affiliation as the church of Mary Jane -- 420 rulz! You should know that Microsoft has put specific restrictions on the referencing of drugs, hate speech, and profanity. Also, thou shalt not reference controversial religious topics, or inappropriate people, places, or things. If thou does, the wrath of Microsoft shalt swiftly befall thou's Xbox Live account, and ye divine retribution will be just and complete. It should also be noted, that listing Scientology as your religion is not funny, unless you're a real Scientologist; then it is funny, but in a laughing at you and not with you sort of way.

Sony Trademarks technology that would allow demos and the content therein to diminish as gamers continue to play them.
For those gamers who prefer repeatedly playing demos instead of buying the full retail version, Sony has some terrible news which is expected to alter your limited and cheap gaming practices. On March 4th, Sony patented the technology to regulate the amount of content available within demos, specifically with the intent to reduce features for players as they repeatedly use the demo. It's kind of like the video game equivalent of those old masturbation warnings: The more times you use "it," the fewer things you'll be able to see. Pictorial examples of the lessening gaming features indicated that one possible reduction could be a diminishing number of tracks for racing games, or a reduction in the strength of available weapons in an action/adventure demo.

One last example that the Cynical Gamer hates to consider, is the prospect of large breasted women's bosoms getting distinctly smaller as a gamer regularly plays a demo (and such play would most likely include lots of intermittent pausing and giggling). Now, such an example hasn't been mentioned or alluded to by Sony, but for a company that's so intent on controlling the amount of free content gamers receive through demos, I don't think they'll leave any stone unturned if there's a chance of finding some currency under one of those overturned rocks. May God help us all if the day comes when we're forced to play Xtreme beach volleyball with a squad of A-cupped "beauties." No firm release date has yet been mentioned for such a horrible technology, but if this product does indeed come to fruition, expect gamers to march on Sony's headquarters like angry villagers marching on Frankenstein's castle.



2K Games upcoming Mafia 2 to include collectible 1950s era Playboy magazines.
Before internet porn made Playboy look like the bra section of a JC Penney catalog, Mafioso apparently loved to peruse and accumulate stacks of the once semi-risqué skin-mag. To do what with, no one knows, but if mobsters are anything like regular men, they enjoy Playboy for the insightful articles and hilarious cartoons. Apparently, Playboy has partnered with 2K Games to allow several (50 or so) of their vintage magazine covers and centerfolds to appear in the game, which players will then be able to collect and examine as they run around intimidating, extorting, Tommy-gun-shooting and engaging in other various gangster activity. Mafia 2 is looking at an October-ish release date, which means many young gamers will still have to wait about 8 months before they can see what a naked woman without breast implants looks like (that is if they haven't yet discovered their libraries' National Geographic section). Stay tuned to Declamations and Diatribes for more up-to-date information on this blurb's subject -- and by "this blurb's subject" I mean games that will feature naked chicks in them.

Publisher of Shaun White Snowboarding, Ubisoft, prepares to further utilize Olympic gold medalist Shaun White by releasing Shaun White Skateboarding later this year.
There once was a time when the nightmarish scenario of seeing a terrifying ginger hurtling down a mountain toward you was solely restricted to the winter months, but thanks to Ubisoft, we may now be forced to deal with that unspeakable situation year round. Shaun White (a.k.a. Carrot Top and Marilyn Manson's love child) is poised to take his amazing board-aptitude from the ski slopes to the sunny pavement later this year with Shaun White Skateboarding. While Ubisoft has yet to announce what platforms the game will appear on, they did offer up this tired and cliché line regarding the game: Shawn White Skateboarding will "provide an innovative twist, and fresh take on the skateboarding and action-sports genre." Yeah, sure it will, and Elton John loves the ladies. Listen, I'm not questioning the quality of the game even before the title is released, but I've heard that bullshit line about innovation too many times from games whose previous track records don't back up their brazen statements. Also, it has taken me years to train my eyes to not lock up and then cry uncontrollably every time I glance upon the hideous mug that Shaun White possesses, and if he isn't hiding it behind a stocking cap and goggles I'm afraid I might tear my eyeballs out. Shaun White, no offense, but I'd rather watch a turd come out of a butt and fall on my face, than have to gaze upon your weird features while I skateboard around some generic city. Look for Shaun White Skateboarding this holiday season (but don't look too hard or for too long, or else you'll damage your retinas).



Recent voice-casting buzz suggests Batman might have a sidekick in tow for Batman: Arkham Asylum 2.
Here's the thing, it's easy to fight crime when you can fly, run faster than speeding locomotives, and shoot laser beams out of your eyeballs, but when you're a middle-aged man with a mortgage, a day job, and car payments, being a superhero can be tiresome. So who can blame these mortal superheroes when they take innocent children, and dress them in bright spandex, just prior to throwing them into lethal situations? Alright, so using a sidekick might "technically" be child abuse, but that's not stopping Rocksteady (developer of Batman: Arkham Asylum) from placing these child-laborers in its upcoming Batman game. A recent listing on the website IMDB.com suggests that not only will Batman's famous sidekick, Robin, be appearing in Arkham Asylum 2, but that the character has already been voice cast by a young actor named Vincent Martella. Now the blossoming Martella, who is probably receiving some of his first chest hairs as I type this, is no stranger to video game voice-acting. In fact, he is credited as the voice of Hope in that recently released video game which boasts more androgynous characters than a midnight showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show (referenced game also known as Final Fantasy 13). Vincent Martella is also no stranger to voicing the character of Robin, as he's doing so in the direct-to-DVD animated movie, Batman: Under the Red Hood. So while nothing has been officially confirmed by either Rocksteady, or publisher Warner Brothers regarding the pubescent Martella's employment, there is a substantial amount of secondary information that seems to corroborate the rumors. Now if you stop, turn off any devices around you possibly making background noise, and listen very, very closely, it is still possible to hear the distinct sound of young Vincent Martella's balls dropping (Bam! Take that Vince. Maybe next time you'll think twice about denying me an autograph when I jump out from behind that bush outside your apartment).



Capcom reveals the last of the ten new fighters to be featured in Super Street Fighter 4.
Apparently, just prior to the development of Street Fighter 4, Capcom took a look at the series and decided it needed to go in a new direction -- a direction that, in my opinion, was just as questionable as that last joke about Vince Martella's balls. Sure, with these next generation systems a visual improvement was expected, but what many people wouldn't have seen coming was the new tone the game would take on. Was the series going to acquire a darker, grittier demeanor? Would improved graphical capabilities mean we'd see extremely realistic renderings of the well-known combatants? Would E. Honda finally be able to tear off Zangief's's head after a disembodied voice screamed, "Finish Him!" The answer to all of three of these well-typed questions was "no," and instead Capcom decided that moving the series into the realm of kid-friendly slapstick was a better move. Now don't get me wrong, Street Fighter 4 is a great game, but let me articulate my concerns regarding the series by expounding upon Capcom's recent revelation of Hakan, the tenth and final addition to Super Street Fighter 4.

Hakan has an orange-toned tan so unnatural that it would make Jersey Shore's Snooki say "ewwww." What little clothing he wears is equally odd, and it consists of skin-tight capri pants and a large, gaudy belt. And now for the kicker, Hakan frequently covers his body in copious amounts of wrestling oil. While that aesthetic certainly sounds bizarre, if you've played any game developed in Japan you know that many of those titles often contain strange aspects, so those characteristics alone aren't too disconcerting. What really bugs me is the fact that all those unusual elements are ultimately included strictly for laughs. Hakan slides around the arena on his greased up body, he squeezes opponents so that they slip out of his arms like a wet bar of soap in an incarcerated prisoner's hands, and he generally wrestles in a manner that is supposed to elicit giggles. Now, I'm not a street-fighting expert (in order for me to get involved, Street Fighting would need to include lots more donuts), but I generally think of the occupation as being pretty rough and physically brutal. So Capcom's new course of silly fighting with zany moves, in my opinion, doesn't lend itself well to the tone of the subject matter. I'm sure the game will play extremely well. It's just that I think they really missed the proverbial boat when deciding what direction they wanted to take this franchise. Personally, I'd rather play fighting games that depict the physicality of the activity, instead of detailing characters slipping on banana peels or stepping on rakes. Super Street Fighter 4 is scheduled for release next month on the 27th, and you can expect Zangief's head to remain on his body at all times.



I have a good feeling that the medium of video games will produce more news next week, and as a result of that inevitability you can expect to find more text here relaying said news. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got lots of children to save from a burning orphanage pharmaceutical dandruff shampoo to apply.