Declamations and Diatribes 3.18.10: Reggie Fils-Aime Disses Nintendo, the Next DS Could be Out This Year, More

Posted by Aaron Koehn on 03.18.2010

Fresh on the heels of the Game Developers Conference, the Cynical Gamer digs relatively deep to unearth some of gaming’s most guarded rumors. Also, blog-lovers can expect to read what Reggie Fils-Aime really thinks about Nintendo, and more!





Nintendo president Fils-Aime asks for third party developers to look more seriously at developing for the Wii.
For the gamers out there who consider themselves "hardcore," there are probably a couple of pictures that pop into their heads when considering the games that often get released on the Wii. Most likely these pictures consist of pink unicorns running across beautiful rainbows, lollipops marching in a spirited candy-parade, or teddy bears hugging fluffy, pink clouds. That's because the majority of Wii titles seem to aim for a more kid-friendly, innocuous vibe, that caters to people who play video games infrequently, or only for about a half hour after opening up the console on Christmas morning, after which they quickly grow tired of it and begin inquiring about a pony. Nintendo's president, Reggie Fils-Aime, knows this, and most likely due to his gum-drop-cloud-exhaustion, he's begun imploring begging third party developers to start making games on his system.

In a recent interview, Mr. Fils-Aime stated, "The fact of the matter is we know we create great content for younger consumers, we know we've got great content for more casual players, and we want fantastic content for that more active player who loves Metroid or Zelda, but maybe also wants something like BioShock 2 as well," he said. "And we also recognize that we don't create that type of content ourselves. We're not good at it and it's not a key focus area." He then continued to slight Nintendo by saying, "Much of our staff have very poor personal hygiene, complete sentences escape the mental competence of my personnel, none of my workforce are able to operate this thing (points to his thumb), most of us were not able to find dates for prom in high school, the men on our staff have extremely tiny penises, I once killed and ate a gamer at E3 who dressed like Sonic the Hedgehog, and we all think Sarah Palin seems like a very competent, and intelligent presidential option." He then emphasized the ease of development on the Wii, and the large installed base as further reasons why third parties could see success on his adorable console. But then just ask Mad World how that worked out.



Rumors regarding Nintendo's new DS2 continue to intensify upon the conclusion of the Game Developers Conference.
Unlike the rumors that the Cynical Gamer has impregnated both Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, there have been several independent reports regarding Nintendo's next dual-screened handheld that appear to have some validity. Word on da street (are the kids still using that colloquialism?) is that the new DS could have power comparable to a Gamecube, and that the development kits for the portable system are very similar to that aforementioned Gamecube. This in turn makes the developmental learning-curve fairly insignificant, and trade-speculation suggests that many companies will have games ready for release by the end of this year. That's right, you could be playing the DS2 by the end of this year, and in that time 18 new models of the original DS will be released, all with varying sized screens and a unique number and placement of cameras (that hilarious sarcasm is on the house). Whether or not the "comparable Gamecube power" means that the new DS's visual capabilities are also equivalent is unknown, but if your pants are getting tight at the thought of controlling a highly-detailed portly plumber across two portable screens, then you're in the good company of the Cynical Gamer (but don't think that being in such illustrious company means you're the Cynical Gamer's equal, because unlike him, you have yet to create life with A. Jolie and J. Aniston, or at least start internet rumors stating as much).

Other industry gossip also indicates that the handheld is expected to have two screens that are significantly bigger, with higher-resolution, and which are expected to be much closer together -- almost functioning as one very large screen. Now granted this is still all just industry scuttlebutt, yet when these claims are combined with the very similar earlier reported hearsay, the chatter becomes hard to ignore. Nevertheless, don't expect to hear anything "official" regarding DS the sequel until after E3 in June, and if you're attending the E3 don't expect to run into the Cynical Gamer, because unlike you I have yet to be considered an actual gaming journalist.



Nintendo cuts a deal to bring Tecmo Koei's Samurai Warriors 3 stateside.
At this current juncture in time, if you haven't yet played one of the bazillions of Dynasty Warriors' sequels or spin-offs you were probably born in the year 2010, because these games multiply like Jon and Kate Gosselin before she got a stylist and he started putting gel in his hair (it's still cool to make fun of those two, right?). Well, Nintendo has determined that since a large majority of their preferred gamers are under the age of five, that on average they've probably only played four different Warriors games so far, and with that notion they've decided to bring Samurai Warriors 3 to the western hemisphere. Now this isn't the first batch of Warriors who are also Samurai to grace the Wii. If you recall two years ago Koei released SW: Katana, an on-rails first person action game whose gameplay was nothing like the previous Warrior games, and although that might initially sound like a good thing, Katana proved to be about as good an idea as Jon Gosselin's earring. So Tecmo Koei has decided to scrap experimentation, and instead stick to what they know best: running around in extremely bland environments, and hackin' and then slashin' and then hackin' again, millions of generic looking enemies. "But will I at least be able to hack and then slash via my Wii's motion controls?" asks a young five-year-old Wii gamer who is still contemplating this game's purchase. No you will not, impressionable youth; this game will control like every other Dynasty Warriors game, and that's with an analog stick and a pair of buttons. Also little five-year-old, you probably shouldn't be reading this column because on occasion I use adult words, like boob, beer, and dirty Sanchez.

Supposedly Samurai Warriors 3 will come equipped with some incredible new features like "kaiden" special moves, and a sharing feature during co-op play. Awesome! Look to the month of October for the release of Samurai Warriors 3, and look for Jon Gosselin to not appear on Dancing with the Stars, unlike his crazy ex-wife.



Codemasters Vice President Gavin Cheshire goes on record saying that the PSP is a "useless waste of space." Second question inquiring about Gavin's favorite PSP game gets nixed.
The world of gaming journalism was all a-twitter last week (at least I assume it was, I'm not really an "official" member of that world, so sometimes I make conjectures) after the Vice President of Codemasters expressed some negative opinions regarding Sony's handheld system. "Well, speaking as a person who bought a PSP, the problem was that I always thought, because it was a better screen than the Ipod's, that I'd be doing more with it. But it was such a bollocking waste of space; just getting stuff on it was ridiculous. That was its downfall," said Mr. Cheshire in what I'm imagining to be a very thick British accent. Now, if you're anything like me, you're very astutely thinking, "Bollocking? That word sound funny," followed by, "why does he talk about the PSP in the past tense -- like its run is over -- since it just sold nearly a million units in November and December combined?" Cheshire then went on to bash the much maligned PSP Go, which in fairness, is about as hard to mock as the country of Canada or Alaska's ex-governor. Again, since I'm not an "authorized" member of the gaming-journalism world, I'm gonna have to infer what Cheshire said regarding the PSP Go, but I imagine it went something like this, "Blimey guvenor, that PSP Go has got me so cheesed off, I think me knockers are gonna bodge right out. It's like Sony be taking the piss right on me crown. Pip pip cheerio!" Last year Codemasters did release a game for the PSP called F1 2009, which sold decently enough and saw some critical recognition. However, apparently that would not prove to be enough to prevent the verbal tongue-lashing that escaped from Cheshire's poorly maintained mouth and teeth (again, that's an assumption). I safely deduce that Codemasters' next game will not appear on the PSP.

Industry gossip reveals that the next Gears of War game might be released in early 2011.
Perceptive gamers might remember that the last time Marcus Fenix donned his do-rag to fight monsters with accomplished digging abilities was approximately two years after the debut of the original Gears of War game. So with the passing of a subsequent two years, those shrewd, calendar-owning gamers are now wondering if they can soon expect to cut through those aforementioned creatures again like former president George Bush cuts through brush at his Crawford, Texas ranch. Well, if the gaming-grapevine is to be believed, the answer is no, you will not be slaughtering the locust two years after the release of GOW2 (which came out in 2008). However, it does appear that you might be murdering monsters who make Steve Buscemi look like Jessica Alba after slightly more than two years, like in the early 2011 time frame. Now if you're curios why the prolonged wait, you should know that these upcoming explanations are simply rumors, and that none of the following details are legitimate fact; rather they are conjectures and supposed "insider" know-how that should probably be taken with a grain of salt until more official statements are made. That being said, here are several factors that could possibly be affecting the GOW3 release date. One, Microsoft is releasing Natal in the same window that had been previously reserved for Gears of War. When comparing the importance of each product's success, this strategy makes sense given Microsoft's indications that Natal's release will be as significant as a regular console's release. Two, Microsoft already has a big AAA title scheduled to come out during that quarter in Halo: Reach, and they think it could get ugly if the two games are forced to compete for your hard-earned dough. And three, the Cynical Gamer -- who is supposedly making an appearance in GOW3 -- is taking longer to render than expected, due to his incredible yet difficult to capture good-looks, and Epic needs more time to accurately depict his stunning manliness. Since Epic's VP, Mark Rein, did confirm at the Game Developers Conference (a.k.a. the rumor mill) that they would not be releasing any new content this year, it does seem to corroborate all three of the above-mentioned rumors. Now I only hope Epic will be able to precisely detail the 10-pack I sport in real life, and not that huge and flabby gut that I do not have.



Rumors persist that Insomniac Games' next game could be multiplatform.
This week you can consider me that insecure, somewhat unattractive girl that loved to gossip at your high school due to her low self-esteem, because I've got another unconfirmed rumor for you (next week, and every subsequent week, if you can consider me the greatest human being the world has known, I'd really appreciate it). Rumors continued to spill forth at the Game Developers Convention where scandalous tittle-tattle became as common as teenage girls who wish vampires were real. Apparently, long-time Sony exclusive developer, Insomniac Games (makers of Resistance and Ratchet and Clank), could possibly be working on a new IP, an IP that would not solely see its release on the Playstation 3. Regarding this rumor, one Playstation fanboy was heard saying, "Insomniac Games, or should I say Benedict Arnold, no Judas! You make me more sick than the time I watched that internet video, Four David Hasselhoff Impersonators, One Cup. You are no longer welcome to my 15th birthday party -- which is Wrath of Khan-themed, by the way."

Instead of denying this fanboy soul-crushing news, Insomniac president Ted Price gave the ol' you're-spot-on-but-I-can't-yet-make-an-official-announcement-due-to-pending-contracts response, which also officially sounds like, "no comment on rumors or speculation." Even with this very unconvincing renouncement, further hearsay suggests that more information regarding this upcoming title will be revealed this June at the Electronic Entertainment Expo. So don't forget this coming June that huge news might get announced regarding one of gaming's biggest and most popular developers. And then also keep in mind that next week, and every subsequent week, you are supposed to refer to me as the greatest human being the world has ever known. You should probably mark your date book.

I have a good feeling that the medium of video games will produce more news next week, and as a result of that inevitability you can expect to find more text here relaying said news. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my appointment with a panel of doctors to discuss my cancer research a box of chocolate donuts.