Declamations and Diatribes News Report 04.08.10
Posted by Aaron Koehn on 04.08.2010
Apple decides that gaming on its iPhones and iPads may indeed be important, Canada makes its move to climb the gaming-food chain, and CliffyB is set to announce a new game from Epic on the Jimmy Fallon Show. Could it be Gears of War 3? Find out this week in Declamations and Diatribes!
Apple patents video game peripherals/accessories that seem designed to better accommodate gaming on their iPhone and new iPad.
Whenever Apple releases a new gizmo or doodad, tech-savvy consumers go predictably ape-shit and start forming lines out in the elements like dweebs waiting to see the next George Lucas disappointment. However, if the recently spotted Apple patent (pictured below) ever comes to fruition, we might see those same Star Wars goofballs (which will include a Jar Jar-costumed Cynical Gamer) joining with those tech-savvy patrons to form a colossal consumer-line, the likes of which this planet has yet to see. That's because it appears that true "hardcore" gaming (a.k.a. the gaming that doesn't take place in nursing homes -- I'm looking in your direction Wii Bowling) might finally be achievable on those space-age Apple doohickeys, with the release of a new accessory specifically designed to attach standalone buttons and directional pads to Apple's already popular devices, the iPhone and iPad.
Oddly enough, it wasn't too long ago when Apple was very quick to criticize other handhelds that used dedicated and ever-present buttons to control, stating that they were inferior to Apple's touch screen gaming-controls. Apparently that was a bit of a fib, and I'm glad because it would be tough to love capitalism if incredibly rich CEOs and businesses didn't perpetually lie to us like we were the wives of a golf superstar or television motorcycle mechanic. Yet, even in spite of its previous criticism leveled at Nintendo's and Sony's handhelds, and as the patent's picture below indicates, Apple seems more than willing to base its gaming peripheral's blueprint on a very familiar-looking design. Okay Apple, the DS sucks, right? Then stop trying to turn your iPhone into one (apparently alchemy in the 21st century is taking someone else's successful design and turning it into your own). After the release of this recognizable-looking Apple accessory, I can imagine millions of homes playing host to this very similar sounding conversation: "Mom, have you seen my DS?" inquires a precocious, young ten-year-old, "Yeah, it's on the couch next to your backpack," replies the loving mother. "No, that's my Apple iPhone with the gaming accessory add-on," the agitated child yells back. "Well, what's the difference?" says a tired mom. "I wish you were dead. I'm running away!" responds the disaffected youth as he runs out of the house screaming like a crazed banshee.
Reggie Fils-Aime mocks Apple's new iPad by comparing its gaming capabilities to food.
Apparently ol' Fils-Aime has been pretty frisky as of late, because I don't think I've written a column in weeks without Nintendo of America's candid President making some sort of zany barb at the expenses of a competitor. And his latest quote can't be seen as anything less than a massive uppercut to Apple's black, turtle-necked heads. Referring to Apple, Reg said that they are "not having an impact on Nintendo," in regards to hardware or software sales, and that he's "seen data that suggests that while consumers are constantly downloading Apps, they play with them for a few times and then they are moving on to the next thing." Reggie then further turned up the heat on Apple with this supplementary cuisine-jab, "Clearly it doesn't look like their platform is a viable profit platform for game development because so many of the games are free versus paid downloads. If our games represent a range between snacks of entertainment and full meals depending on the type of game, (Apple's) aren't even a mouthful, in terms of the gaming experience you get." And if that quote doesn't make Steve Jobs cry, then the Cynical Gamer's worst suspicions are true, and Mr. Jobs is clearly an Android sent from the future to destroy us all via his marvelous gizmos (or more accurately, Steve Jobs is an iAndroid. I'm hilarious!).
And while some might regard Reggie's verbal affront as having crossed the line, seeing how it would even make hardened criminals like O.J. "The Juice" Simpson cry, there certainly is substantial data to back up his claim. A recent survey taken in 2009 indicated that about 85% of developers working on Apple's hardware made less than $15,000, causing other notable developers, such as Ubisoft, to think twice about developing on a platform that, according to Ubisoft, "doesn't seem to be as profitable there as on other platforms." I have a feeling that after Ubisoft delivered that anti-Apple quote, they quickly received an invitation to Reggie's annual Gameboys of Summer: Backyard Barbeque and Clambake. Hey Reg, if you could send me one more invitation, my first one must have gotten lost in the mail. And yes, I did get that fake restraining order from you in the mail the other day; it's hilarious. Did you receive the jar of my fingernail clippings that I recently sent out?
Duke Nukem Forever continues to be featured in the news as its April 1, 2010, release date comes and goes.
The original release date for the game that was in development longer than Dakota Fanning has been alive, passed this April 1, and intermixed with those fake and always "hilarious" April Fool's Day stories were articles commemorating the infamous date. Now it clearly would have been impossible for DN Forever to have lived up to the expectations that a decade-plus development time would create, and it seems almost like a mercy killing for Take Two to have finally cancelled this perpetual punch line. Still, Take Two producer, Jason Bergman, felt compelled to talk about the notorious title one more time on his Twitter account: "MOMENT OF SILENCE PLEASE: by the 3DR/TTWO development schedule, April 1st, 2010 was supposed to be the day Duke Nukem Forever went gold." Now is it just me, or does that quote give off a sort of isn't-that-intriguing-but-if-you-think-it's-lame-I'm-totally-being-ironic vibe?
Mr. Bergman continued by referencing the April 1st date and saying, "I wholeheartedly believe that had things gone differently, they would have made that date." And we can only reasonably assume that by "had things gone differently," he meant had the game not been scrapped and restarted three times over the course of 12 years, thus raising its bar higher than Yao Ming's front door. In that case, without a doubt you would now be able to play a decent shooter, that's somewhat humorous, and which so desperately wants to show women's nipples, but always finds ways to obscure them. 3D Realms, the developer of DN Forever, closed last May, and since they retained the rights to the franchise, little has been heard about Mr. Nukem and his exploits. However, the developer has issued a statement regarding the franchise's future, saying that they will "continue to license and co-create games" involving the Duke Nukem. And to that, the game world responded with a big "yawn."
Canada officially becomes the third largest maker of video games, surpassing the U.K., but still positioned behind Japan and the United States.
Those strange neighbors to our north, who love beavers as much as Hockey and maple syrup, whose principal economic industry is the fur trade, and who to my knowledge still don't possess electricity, have been recently crowned the third largest developer of video games (an especially remarkable accomplishment considering their lack of electricity). And how did those flannel-wearing lumberjacks accomplish such a feat, you ask? Well, it's largely due to tax cuts the government has created encouraging developers to relocate their facilities to those frozen but inexpensive wastelands. Ontario Technology Corridor member, Peter White, further explains the reasons for the government and gaming industry's success, saying, "We're able, actually, to go out and tell the government ‘Look, you're thinking of doing (these tax incentives), this is why this works even better' and it just helps back up their strategies around that." And if you're wondering why the preceding quote didn't once contain the word "eh," a trademark of the unusual Canadian language, I can only assume that the original interviewer cut them out for clarity-sake.
Ontario in particular is where the gaming-boom is largely taking place, and again, Peter White specified why the upswing of interest in gaming commerce is not only good for that particular region, but the nation of Canada as a whole. "Canadians like to think that people know where Ontario is, but when you go to Europe and Asia, people know Ottawa and Toronto, but generally they don't know the rest of the detail of the geography. Even in certain parts of the U.S. So, we thought it was a great opportunity for us to promote the entire region." Now let's not get ahead of ourselves, Mr. White. While I love the fact that your government is sponsoring tax breaks to increase gaming production, I have a hard time believing that people in Europe and Asia know where Ottawa and Toronto are. In fact, I'd be surprised if anyone in those two countries could even point to the Kingdom of Canada on a map (they do have kings in Canada, right? Or does government exist up there?), let alone identify two random cities which are probably entirely composed of igloos. That being said, I love the Kids in the Hall and the Trailer Park Boys.
Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars accounts for half of all mature-rated titles sold on the Nintendo DS thus far, but mature-rated titles continue to perform poorly.
The next time you're looking for a game that shows wanton violence and perhaps an exposed mammary gland or two, do not go looking in the kid-friendly DS section, otherwise known as fun playland. That's because according to Take Two's CEO, Ben Feder, GTA: Chinatown Wars alone accounts for 50% of all mature-rated sales on the DS (despite its disappointing sales), and of the six other M-rated DS games released stateside, GTA is the only one to not feature zombies (true fact). So why don't gamers enjoy seeing that red, bodily fluid that delivers necessary sustenance to cells, spill out of their enemies' bodies once they kill them on a DS? And why when they do wish to see said bodily fluid leak out, does it frequently revolve around those brain-eating, undead monsters? Well, the Cynical Gamer can't answer such astute queries (yet I can tell you that in Alabama it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. True fact; look it up); however, Mr. Feder would like to take a crack at explaining why that type of game doesn't sell well on the DS: "The handheld market is currently challenged by weak demand and by piracy. Piracy is a real and present danger for our industry and must be addressed, especially in the handheld market. The commercial performance of Chinatown Wars has certainly suffered at the hands of piracy." Wait, what?
So pirates are the reason Chinatown Wars didn't meet sales expectations, not the fact that there's a large contingent of DS owners who are under the age of ten, and would rather play Freshly Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland (actual game; look it up) than Resident Evil? Why not blame the slow Chinatown Wars sales on Vikings, or ninjas, or socialists, because aren't those facets of society just as evil and DS-hating? Yeah, I get it, you want people to think that the reason the game was a sales-disappoint was due to circumstances beyond your control, but solely blaming piracy is so implausible that it almost feels like an insult to the collective gaming community's intelligence. How about the next time you make a DS game, you make one that caters to the interest of the DS's majority demographic, like Strawberry Shortcake: Strawberryland Games (actual game).
Cliff Bleszinski will appear on the Jimmy Fallon show this Thursday (April 8), and is expected to reveal the name of Epic's new game. Gossip and rumors purport the game to be Gears of War 3.
Epic Games' design director, Cliff Bleszinski, who on occasion has also gone by the moniker CliffyB (I have no idea why), Dude Huge, and Cliffster, is set to appear on the Jimmy Fallon show April 8, to discuss Epic's next big game, and probably reveal a new nickname -- my vote is for Cliff Diver-inski. Via his Twitter account Dude Huge said, "Thrilled to be on the show! Guess I should bring something interesting to show... :)," as well as, "Set your TiVos! And your Xboxes." Yeah, because as eager as I am for an official Gears of War 3 announcement, if I found myself needing to re-watch Huge Cliff making said announcement, I would definitely need to reprioritize my life. Besides, my TiVo is pretty much already full of Designing Women episodes that I still want to catch up on.
There's also a rumor making the rounds that the reveal in question might not be GOW 3 at all, but the rumored People Can Fly project, a.k.a. Bulletstorm. But I'd have to assume that regardless of how cool the aforementioned game may be, it would be a disappointment if Cliff B. Huge revealed anything other than Gears of War. I guess time will tell.
I have a good feeling that the medium of video games will produce more news next week, and as a result of that inevitability you can expect to find more text here next Thursday relaying said news. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a speech I'm giving on domestic poverty and its effect on inner-city youth to physically bloom, and I want to take a picture of what appears to be my first moustache hair.
