Declamations and Diatribes News Report 06.17.10

Posted by Aaron Koehn on 06.17.2010

It looks like God has finally gotten into game development with the announcement that Days of Thunder will receive the video game treatment; Ubisoft grabs the musical license for the guy who liked to grab himself; and Japan won't let its games contain dismemberment, that is, until I embarrass the pants off them with my blog, this week in Declamations and Diatribes.


A game based on the Tom Cruise film, Days of Thunder, is currently under development at Paramount Digital Pictures, and it should see release sometime this summer.
If you're like me, when you first glanced at that headline you quickly checked your calendar to make sure it wasn't April 1st, just prior to re-reading the sentence and muttering, "you're shitting me?" (Also if you're like me, you have really big muscles and a brain the size of Kanye West's ego -- you also lie extensively due to the fact that you're very insecure).

Yes, unfortunately there are some geniuses working at Paramount who thought the Tom Cruise classic, and by classic I mean embarrassment to humankind, would make a good transition into the medium of video games. And to the geniuses who thought that, I say, "You have no right to breathe in and waste the oxygen that other people, decent people, could be putting to good use. May God strike you down during your worst hour and erase any evidence of your existence from the memory of society. Also, if you ever think of making a game based on the movie, What Women Want, I will personally draw very unflattering pictures of you and then post them on my internet blog."

Apparently this PSN "game" will feature current Nascar racers in addition to the characters from the Days of Thunder movie, which means you will have the ability to pit Cole Trickle (the son of Dick Trickle?) up against Jimmie Johnson or Jeff Gordon. And while this idea surely prompted the Paramount studio suits to high-five one another in excitement, most gamers upon reading this probably said something similar to, "I want to play that game as much as I want someone to do serious harm to my reproductive organs."

Days of Thunder: Nascar Edition will also feature car customization options, online support for up to 12 racers, bonus tracks, and in-game currency that is acquired through sponsorships; however, there's still no word on whether a player will be able to fornicate with Nicole Kidman (I don't know if she was in the movie, I just think that's a feature that all games could use). What is regrettable, is that it will be sold exclusively online, meaning that people who unfortunately buy this title will not have the ability to physically break it after they realize that someone decided to make Scientology an integral component of the plot.

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Ubisoft announces its acquisition of the Michael Jackson license; however, any details about the game that will utilize said license is kept quiet.
Like one of those dancing zombies in his Thriller video, Michael Jackson is back from the grave, and he's once again poised to walk that fine line of being creepy and entertaining. During its E3 press briefing, Ubisoft announced that it had indeed rolled the dice and picked up the license for a musical performer who most people believe had sex with children, and whose nose once fell off during a press conference (happens to the best of us, Mikey)

And while few, or to be more accurate, no details were announced regarding a game that will utilize this questionable license, the reveal did allow Ubisoft to choreograph a sweet dance number to the tune, Beat It, which oddly enough is probably the line the majority of parents heard right after dropping off their kids at Michael's house (and this blurb may have just crossed the line into being inappropriate). However, even with Ubisoft staying mum on any details regarding the game, it seems pretty likely that it will revolve around dancing, and contain similar gameplay to that of Ubisoft's recent hit, Just Dance. Only this time a grown man will frolic around the stage in sequins, while grabbing himself and then screaming in a woman's voice (I hope this game has online play, because if there is one thing in life I was born to dominate, it is grabbing my jewels in a competitive setting).

Rumors regarding this game were first heard around the time the King of Pop kicked the bucket, but the gossip seemed to decrease once the public moved on to mourn the next dead celebrity. Well it turns out that, unlike the gossip that president Obama is a Nazi alien from an evil, all-Muslim galaxy, that aforementioned license rumor was true. And it's a safe bet that the confirmation of said rumor has caused those dancing prisoners in the Philippines to put down their shanks, and pick up their sparkly gloves in preparation for preserving their title of the most nancy prison on the face of the Earth.

Since a game hasn't technically been announced yet, there really isn't any information regarding a release window, which means that the real story here is Ubisoft's new ability to put Mr. Jackson's songs in its games. This hopefully means that come the time Rainbow Six 3 gets released, we'll be able to massacre people to the tune of Heal the World. "Hee-Hee!"

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The sequel to EA's Sports Active Fit will now see release on the Playstation's Move and the Xbox's Kinect, which will coincide with it's already announced release on the Wii.

More exercise titles? How many different ways can a game explain how to perform a push-up?

In any event, if you wouldn't mind humoring me for one second, let's just say that I have a friend (who definitely is not me) who really likes video games, and who recognizes that maybe he's let his body slip a little bit in his adult years (and I guess his previous formative years, as well). Now let's say that this "friend," who looks nothing like me because he isn't me, decides that he'd like to shed a few pounds to get his body ready for swimsuit season; is there a trainer in the world who would recommend playing any of these exercise "games" over simply walking outside and taking a jog? Now if you have any theories regarding this query, feel free to pass them along to me and I'll let my friend know, but to be honest, I've come to my own conclusion and it goes something like: not if that trainer knows what he's doing.

That's because it takes the embarrassment of knowing that outside sources are viewing and judging you, to actually push one into participating in any sort of meaningful exercise. For example, if I go to the gym I'm not gonnna be that guy who does like two reps on a machine before taking a break, and then flexing his "muscles" in front of those big mirrors; but when I'm at home alone playing one of those exercise games, there's absolutely no feeling of shame if I just do two leg lifts before calling it a day and hitting the showers -- at least that's what I've told my friend who does not express his opinions via an internet blog.

But what EA knows and is totally exploiting, is that people love to take shortcuts, and if one is available, 90% of the time individuals will take it. "Hey Cynical Gamer, I don't like the tone this blurb is taking, and I think your friend sounds like a real douchebag," a short-cut-taking reader might state. "I'm not like all those other gamers who spend their money on exercise games only to play them for a week before they decide to take a year long break to celebrate. I'm actually gonna use my game," continues this angered reader. To which I'd respond, "Hey, take it easy, remember I'm just the messenger, I'm not the one trying to lose copious amounts of weight because a little girl at the supermarket mistook me for a woman and asked when I was due. I'm just throwing out some random ideas."

So let me just stick to the facts since you hypothetical readers seem interested in what this title has to offer. EA Sports Fit 2 will utilize an included heart rate monitor to help determine the effectiveness of the supposed workouts. It will also sport some online features, like leaderboards and the ability to share workout data with friends, and it's expected to be released later this year for about $100.00, which is a small price to pay for "meaningful" exercise. However, even in lieu of what my imaginary readers believe, I think I'm going to advise my friend (who I've not made up to distract people from realizing how husky the Cynical Gamer may be) to just continue gaining weight until he's so fat he can join the cast of the Biggest Loser, thus becoming a plump inspiration to the other morbidly obese Americans out there. Because there's nothing more dignifying than removing your XXXL shirt to reveal man-breasts bigger than watermelons before millions of laughing TV viewers.

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Metal Gear Rising's heavy use of dismemberment may cause the Japanese ratings board to heavily censor it, if they allow it to be released at all.
Apparently, if there is one thing that the Japanese hate more than cartoon characters with small eyes, it is video game dismemberment. And the degree of hate this island nation holds against severing body parts in games is best understood when one gains an appreciation for all of the other aspects that the Japanese prohibit in their games. So in an effort to provide better context for what Japanese gamers see as taboo, here is the brief, but complete list of perpetually censored gaming aspects: Number one, genitals (or as Americans may better know them, dongs or ham wallets). Number two, pubic hair (and again, my American audience is probably more familiar with the terms, crotch ropes or zebra whiskers). And lastly, sexual intercourse (a.k.a. dunking the skin plough).

Now it doesn't take a genius like Sarah Palin to notice that there's a trend being established on that forbidden-list in regards to pee-pees and lady-holes, so when an element is included on that list that has nothing to do with genitalia, or its surrounding curly locks, you know the Japanese must really hate it. So much so, that when a game gets made that seems almost totally built around the process of separating body parts from other body parts, the Japanese borrow a line from that generic Lady Gaga song and say, "no way, no way-ay-ay-ay" (I'm embarrassed to know that). In fact, the Metal Gear Rising trailer, which I've posted below and which details more dismembering than lobster-fest at Red Lobster, was not allowed to be shown in Japan due to that country's absolute hatred for segmenting bodies into individual pieces.

Now let me just ask a quick question as an American viewing this whole controversy from the outside: what the hell are you thinking Japan? I can't think of a time when I've ever witnessed dismemberment -- whether in a movie or video game -- where I didn't go, "oh Jesus, that was awesome." In fact, I'm not really a massive Metal Gear fan, but based on all the dismembering that trailer displayed, I'm pretty excited for Metal Gear: Rising. Hopefully Japan will take a good long look at itself in the mirror, and decide that when they choose to look the other way during dismemberment, they're choosing to look the other way on sweetness. But to be honest, I could care less, because my country is so desensitized to violence that a game could be made where the design is built totally around the decapitation of puppies, and it would still sell like hotcakes. God truly did bless the US of A!

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THQ attempts to ink a movie deal based on Saints Row 3, which has yet to be shown and is known only to exist from word of mouth.
I guess if you really know you're gonna make a game, there's no reason not to go out and try to make a movie tie-in in an attempt to ratchet up the profit. But what if either the movie or the game sucks? Doesn't that actually hurt the other product's bottom line? And it's a good bet the movie will suck, because it's a movie based on a video game, and like the Detroit Lions, those always suck. But what the hell do I know? I'm not the rich guy sitting in his E3-showroom-skybox, lording over the convention like a Gargamel does to those blue Smurf-things. No, I'm just a lowly internet blogger who couldn't even make it to E3, and who once almost got the autograph of Jeff Foxworthy (screw you and that stupid moustache, you show-canceller).

Still, THQ has designs on landing just that type of deal with its upcoming game Saints Row 3. And while there still haven't been any details revealed regarding the game, THQ's vice president of core games, Danny Bilson, has been quoted as saying, "What we have coming on Saints Row -- and we'll announce it in December -- is the most robust transmedia play on any game ever done." Man you make this game that hasn't even been announced yet sound so frickin' sweet. And what the hell does transmedia mean? Mr Bilson then continued talking about his company's future triumphs by expanding upon its movie plans: "We will have a movie with a major filmmaker that will be tied to our content and we will be ideally day-and-date with that movie." This plan is infallible.

Dan then touched on the possibility of a Saints Row collectible card game, books, and other various garbage that would be pushed around the release of the game (THQ, if you don't release a Saints Row Snuggie, you can consider my embarrassing drawing of you done). Again, I want to state that I really don't mind a company trying to milk every last ounce out of a franchise, but the franchise in question isn't a Zelda or Pokemon. I mean this will only be the third title in this series. Does it really have the fan-base to be able to accommodate all those other various mediums?

If I was Danny Bilson, the first thing I'd do, besides trying to coax a booth babe into my showroom-skybox-lair, would be to ensure the quality of the game, and then maybe several months out, start releasing the other marketing doodads. But again, I'm the one at home in my underwear, picking the chocolate out of my trail-mix, while he's the guy buying and selling people like me. Man, I'd be pretty depressed if I didn't have so much chocolate left in this trail mix bag.

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Gamers can finally expect to play Gran Turismo 5 on November 2.
Man, since I usually only buy games once they hit the clearance rack, that means I only have to wait another two years to play Gran Turismo. However, by that time my unhealthy appreciation for processed sandwich ham will probably have landed me in jail. Damn you, fifth installment of Gran Turismo!

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Microsoft announces that its motion-sensing gaming peripheral previously known as Natal will now be called Kinect.
Apparently my suggestion, Nutsact, fell upon deaf ears. "Hee-Hee!"

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Ubisoft announces Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood Beta will come only to the PS3
Oh. My. God!!! I think Ubisoft has just settled the fanboy-war once and for all. With the PS3 locking up beta exclusivity (the best type of exclusivity) for Assassin's Creed, I think we all can agree that Sony's console is easily the best gaming system in the history of time.

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David Jaffe finally comes clean and reveals that his next game is indeed Twisted Metal PS3.
Not this again. If this chronic liar told me the world was round I wouldn't believe him. Hey David Jaffe, if the world is round, then how come when I look at the horizon it's a straight line? Answer that, you genius.

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The rumors speculating that Nintendo's 3DS will come equipped with an analog stick and a 3D camera gets confirmed at E3.
A 3D camera? That's really gonna improve Mario Lopez's collection of boner pictures.

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I have a good feeling that the medium of video games will produce more news next week, and as a result of that inevitability you can expect to find more text here next Thursday relaying said news. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late to a steak dinner with a righteous babe processed sandwich ham dinner with the TV guide.