Working Title 05.05.11: Working Rewind - The Virtual Boy was Awesome

Posted by Jordan Williams on 05.05.2011

Before we go ahead and talk about Nintendo's new success (or what they hope will be their new success) let's take a look back at Nintendo's only failure and find SOMETHING to like about it. You know what I'm sayin'....VIRTUAL BOY WAS AWESOME.

Yeah, that's the old school banner. You'll realize why in a second.

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Welcome to the #1 Column to seemingly disappear for a month then suddenly return like nothing has happened, WORKING TITLE? Why has the column not been updated in a month? Where have I been? Well...no one knows. I'll just say that the recent death of a certian terrorist leader surely has NOTHING to do with it.

No, but really. I just had to take a break from the site for a bit to deal with some personal matters. Either way I am back with a new column! Although it might be a bit shorter than the others due to the fact that there really isn't much going on. I mean outside of Portal and Mortal Kombat there really haven't been any big releases coming out. There haven't been any real news stories besides the Great PSN Outtage of 2011 which is pretty much over by the time this column will be put up.

The only thing that would be worth talking about is if someone decided to bite the bullet and come out with a new console—

…Wait a second.

You mean while I was away Nintendo decided to go ahead and bust out a new console? Holy shit.
That definitely seems like something I should talk about…

BUT IT'S A SHAME I CAN'T THIS WEEK. You see…I am currently typing this from an airport, and do you know what I have with me? A fucking Virtual Boy. Why do I have it? Because it's fucking awesome and now I officially own every game ever to come out for it. So you know what? You get to wait ONE MORE week for my thoughts on how Nintendo could fuck up this new console by reliving the past with a list I made FOUR YEARS AGO about how Nintendo's black sheep was pretty awesome.

5 Reason Why the Virtual Boy Was Awesome


Man, that is a long title.

Does anyone here remember Nintendo's one and only TRUE failure? If you don't I am pretty sure that your poor sensitive eyes do. It was the Virtual Boy. This not so portable was release in the states in August of 1995 and was hailed as the logical successor to the insanely popular Gameboy. Why? Because this was 1995, 3D gaming was still a BIG gimmick and everyone and their mother wanted a slice of that pie, and seeing as how Nintendo at this point was still the King of the Mountain, there was a little bit of leeway they could play with.


The Virtual Boy promised two things right out of the suitcase. It promised a unique gameplay experience and visuals that were unparalleled to what you see now, and in a sense...they were right.

The Virtual Boy did use a unique way to present itself, being a completely self contained console which projected it's graphics on two different planes of vision. If you didn't notice that, you at least remember that fact that everything in the game was the brightest shade of red your eyes ever had the displeasure of seeing. But hey, this rant is about how AWESOME the VB was. So let's get down to the awesome...and don't think there isn't awesome to be found there...because there is.


#1 The Controller



Now, outside of a one choice console, I've never really had a problem with video game controllers. I tend to like them pretty much the same all across the board. So I can say this without the sarcasm...the Virtual Boy's controller was awesome. No, seriously...I really liked it. It maybe the fact that it due to the fact that the VB was self contained that the controller came off as being cordless or maybe that it was just really comfortable, but I really had an easy time laying games with this controller. The only gripe I had about it is that if you DARED to use batteries with it that it ate them like candy. Not even good candy like Godivia or something, it at them like cheap candy. Those of you that have never played the Virtual Boy are probably asking why is has two D-Pads. Don't worry. None of us know either. We know it just came in handy for Jack Bros. Speaking of which...

#2 Jack Bros.



I know this game might fly over a lot of people's heads. I don't blame you, getting ANY of the good virtual games was about as rare as finding cheap copy of Rez at Gamespot. Damn near impossible. But for those of you that HAVE played Jack Bros. you know what an awesome find this game was. It was pretty much a cutesy version of gauntlet that had you working to beat six levels in a timed format. The game was actually pretty challenging and the 3D elements were actually really good looking. You could 'see forever' because you could always see the platforms that were below you from the holes in the platform you were on. And even then everything ON the platform stood out a bit more thanks to the layering. It was like playing a top-down pop up book rather than a game. If you were lucky enough to find this game, it was a GREAT find.

#3 LEGS



One of the things you'll notice right away about the VB is that it had legs. Yes, because you technically had to sit up while playing this, it actually needed something to sit on. But here's the kicker. For a company that is famously known for making things that can survive H-Bombs. The legs on the VB were INCREDIBLY flimsy. You'd honestly break them from normal use after about a month. That's where the awesome come in.

Assuming you don't have any major back problems, laying on your back is probably one of the most comfortable things you can do to pass the time. Now that the legs on your VB broke, it's now the only way one can play it.



Now THAT ladies and gentlemen, is comfort.

#4 Quality of Games

Sure, the console was a HUGE flop. Nintendo's biggest (and even though people don't like to admit it) ONLY failure to date. But I think the blame for that lays square on the Virtual Boy as a console, not necessarily the games. Why do I say this? Because the games on the Virtual Boy were actually good...VERY good to be exact. Keeping in mind there were only 22 games, with only 14 making it stateside. You didn't exactly have a large margin between the good and the bad, thankfully...there wasn't' too much bad.

The developers for the VB tried really hard to make the next evolution in gaming. It's really apparent when you see games like Red Alarm which was the Virtual Boy's answer to Starfox...and a damned good answer at that. Red Alarm presented a full 3D world, albeit through wireframes. But you had complete control over your ship and how it handled. It really did play like a more souped up version of the original Starfox for the SNES, and it was just as challenging and fun. There were also games like Wario Land. VB never got a chance to get a traditional Mario game, so this was the closest thing and it was a DAMNED fun game. This isn't me just looking through rose tinted glasses (although playing the Virtual Boy sort of FORCED you to), these games and a majority of them were actually REALLY good. It's a shame they were tied down to a failing console. Which one of these games was ESPECIALLY good? So good that it stood out from the rest? Why it's...

#5 TeleroBoxer



This, in my eyes, was the Holy Grail of the Virtual Boy. I am NOT a big fan of boxing games, but this game was AWESOME. Remember when I mentioned the Virtual Boy's dual D-Pads? This was one of the games where it shined. You played as Harvey, a man piloting a giant robot to complete in a robotic boxing tournament. You threw your punches with the shoulder buttons but you controlled where the punched landed with the respective D-Pads. This gave you quite a bit of control when you were boxing, which made it feel even more intense than it already was. The game was played in a first person perspective the only thing you saw of yourself was your fists. So when you were fighting the robots when they threw a punch (through the layering of the VB) it actually flew right in your face and blocked off your version. Your 'screen' would crack and fissure. This all came together to make one of the best (yet admittedly frustrating) experiences on the Virtual Boy and to me, in gaming in general. There hasn't been a game in the generations that follow that got me to actually FEEL like I was boxing more than this game. Yes, that even includes Wii Boxing. It's a damn shame the VB sunk before more people could play this game. Because I have a feeling it was a start to a wonderful franchise.

We know you have the tools, Nintendo. We want TeleroBoxer on 3DS (Yeah, even in 2007 I knew the 3DS was going to happen). Make it happen.


And that is it for my five reasons why the Virtual Boy was awesome. I'm sure no one can even FIND a relic such as the VB today without paying way too much for it, but for those of you lucky enough to have one, go ahead and find a quiet spot and give the poor little eye destroying bastard a quick go round. You might find out that despite its many shortcomings that it was actually a fun little machine.

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Working Question

I hope you all liked that incredibly lazy stroll down memory lane. But for serious when I am back in the United States I will give you all a decent Working Rant about why I think the Project Café might not be as kind to Nintendo as they hope it will be.
As for the question this week. In your honest opinion…what affect do you think The Great PSN Outage will have on Sony's online ambitions in the long run? I think WHOEVER did this might've fucked up a really good thing and we might see some sort of full paid service like XBL in the near future. That way there is a direct victim next time this happens. PSN is Out…big deal, over 75% of the customers don't pay for it. But when suddenly EVERYONE has to pay for the service they (Sony) will take that much more effort to protect it and keep it safe.

What say you?

Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams…and I hope these rumors about Road Rash returning at E3 are fucking true.