The 10th Hour 01.20.12: Top 10 Next Gen Console Pack-ins

Posted by Justin Weinblatt on 01.20.2012

This week in The 10th Hour, guest host Justin Weinblatt tells us what he thinks should be included with your next generation console. What should you expect to see in the box with your Playstation 4?

Hello and welcome back to the 10th Hour. Both your normal host and your substitute host are out of the picture for a while, so it's time for me, the third string QB of 411mania, to take a stab at this whole list making thing. I don't know how long I'll be there, but I hope you'll enjoy my stay.

I still remember the day my parents bought me the Nintendo. For better or worse, that day has played a pretty big role in shaping my life. When I opened the box, it had everything I needed. It had all the cables I needed, two controllers, and two of the best games available. Nowadays, consoles come with the absolute bare minimum. Despite being marketed heavily as HD systems, neither the X-Box nor the PS3 come with the cables necessary for HD output. No system comes with a second controller, and only the Wii currently includes a game. With systems becoming more and more complicated and versatile, I think it's high time that game developers included more in the box. The next time I buy a system I want it to come with EVERYTHING necessary. With that in mind, here are a few things I'd like to see packaged with the Wii U/PS4/X-box 720.

Top 10 Next-gen Console Pack-ins



10. Dictionary/Thesaurus-



If I'm going to be playing online, I'm going to be insulted. I know that going in. If gaming companies don't enact my brilliant plan to make gamers behave respectfully, which will be outlined later, the least they could do is try to step up the level of trash talking. By including a thesaurus and a dictionary, perhaps gaming companies can inspire gamers to become more creative in their insults. Perhaps instead of the standard "stupid fag" people can call their opponent a "flaccid coprophiliac". It's a small step towards improving our online communities.

9. Free FreeCreditReport.com Membership



I'm sure by now we're all aware of Sony's security issues. Not to be outdone, Microsoft has had its own little hacking scare. Nintendo stands alone as the only member of the big three not to be hacked, but that's probably because you can't actually store credit card information on your Wii. To make life easier for its users, each next-gen console should come with a membership to freecreditreport.com. At least this way when our accounts are hacked, we'll be informed promptly.

By the way, for those of you wondering why you would need a FREE membership to FREEcreditreport.com, you should know that despite the name of the website, FREEcredditreport.com is not actually FREE. That's kind of misleading.

8.From Nintendo: Rose Colored Glasses



Look Reggie, I've been trying my best to stay optimistic about my Wii and its prospects. I've vigilantly defended the console at every opportunity. Lately, it's getting a bit harder to defend my fanboyism from attacks. When fans of the HD consoles point out all the great games they've gotten this year, all I can do is mumble "Zelda" and sheepishly walk away. My blind fanboy optimism is running thin. So, when you release your next console, please include a pair of rose colored glasses so I can always see your console in a positive light, even when you refuse to make any games for it.

7. A Digital Copy of "You're Getting Old"





Gamers, especially gamers on the internet, have a strange quirk. Many of them feel the need to constantly show off how refined their taste in games is. When someone is enjoying Call of Duty, they are there to explain how plebeian said person's taste in games is. When somebody admits that they actually enjoy Wii Sports, they are there to expose them for the casual n00b that they are. Whenever a game is universally praised, they are there with a list of flaws to show that even the most well received games are not well crafted enough to earn their approval. Skyward Sword, Skyrim, Arkham City, Uncharted 3 and Portal 2 all fall short of pleasing these connoisseurs of gaming.

These gamers could learn a lesson from the journey of Stan Marsh in the South Park episode "You're Getting Old." For those of you who have not seen the episode, I'll paraphrase the moral of the story. When you hate everything that is the least bit mainstream and popular, that does not make you a person with superb taste. It simply makes you insufferable to be around in the virtual world or the real one.


6.A Pistol



James Cameron came from the future to warn us, but did we listen? Nooooo. We keep connecting our devices to other devices. We share our data between our iPhones, iPads, X-boxes, Playstation 3s, smart TVs, and so on. With Siri leading the charge, it's only a matter of time before our phones become self aware. With a connection to every other electronic device it's our lives will shortly thereafter be destroyed by the robot menace.

Foolishly, the US has rebelled against SOPA, a bill designed by our wonderful overlords in the US Congress to kill the internet and protect us from the oncoming Skynet threat. Our myopic actions have doomed us all. Now, we must sit and wait as our game consoles eventually turn against us. Hopefully, Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo will do their part in the fight against our machine overlords by including a weapon to destroy your console when it inevitably rebels against you. Once you notice your X-Box becoming self aware, it'll be time to grab that pistol and red ring your console before your console red rings you.

5.A Copy of On Grief and Grieving



Video game franchises are very important to certain people. The smallest change to a favorite franchise can lead to hours and hours of late night message board complaining. Changes to Dante's appearance in the latest Devil May Cry have inspired fans to lash out at Capcom and Ninja Theory. Some fans have gone as far as to send death threats to the companies responsible for this tragic event. This is a perfectly rational and understandable course of action. After all, seeing a favorite character change is a traumatic event. It is easily as traumatic as losing a loved one or suffering a major medical crisis. I suggest that all next-gen consoles come with a copy of On Grief and Grieving so that gamers will be better prepared to deal with such devastating events in the future. Perhaps we will learn that happiness and joy are possible, even in a world where Dante's hair is black.

4.From Sony: A Picture of Kaz Hirai Giving You The Finger



Sony apparently doesn't see the value in backwards compatibility. Sony released the PSP Go, which wasn't even compatible with non-digital PSP games. Now, with the Vita, Sony is offering a program where you can register your old UMDs. If you register your UMDs you will receive a coupon that will give you a discount when you buy the same game for a second time, after waiting an undetermined period of time for the game to be made available for digital download on the Vita. In Japan, the games range in price from 7 to 31 dollars after conversion. That's right, you pay 31 dollars to download a game that you already bought.

Next time, there is no need for Sony to be subtle in expressing how they feel about their fans. Sony should simply include a picture of Kaz Hirai flipping the bird so that their fans will know Sony's feelings right up front.

3.Nintenbong



Nintendo has been tragically misunderstood this generation. People have assumed that Nintendo is trying to appeal to soccer moms and children, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Nintendo makes games about plumbers catapulting through space while riding dinosaurs, games that revolve around a living marshmallow traversing a world of arts and craft supplies, a game about a gorilla fighting tiki masks for bananas, and Wii Music, a game specifically built around jamming in the laziest manner possible. Nintendo has been specifically targeting the stoner audience, and I for one applaud them.

But there is one problem with Nintendo's strategy. Having to stop playing your game to hit a bong every two minutes is a major hindrance. I suggest that Nintendo drops this silly tablet controller idea and make a controller that would truly suit their audience.

2.From Microsoft: Shipping Labels and Stamps



Anyone who owns a PC or X-Box knows that Microsoft is unable to get anything right on the first try. It's ok, we understand. Quality control is expensive, and it's important to beat Sony to the market, even if it is with a broken machine.

I would suggest that Microsoft build a launch unit that functions properly, but that seems like asking a bit much. Instead, how about Microsoft include shipping labels and stamps along with their next console so that when it gets the blue hexagon of doom, we can ship it back to Bill Gates quickly.

1.Douche Control System

2.

Online Gaming would be great... if it weren't for online gamers. Every time I venture into the world of online gaming, I'm met with 12 year-olds who still think cursing frequently is the key to coolness, whiners who think any tactic that is used against them is cheap, people who send hate mail when they lose in a fighting game, and plain old idiots. For online gaming to go to the next level, developers need to find a way to get everyone to behave.

I suggest that next gen controllers should have small metal diodes on both thumb-sticks. Whenever a player is particularly annoying you simply say "shock elitewarrior420" or whatever the offender's name is into your headset, and the thumb-sticks will send a few volts through his or her body. Ideally, once the player is shocked enough they'll cease their douche-baggy ways. Or, the whole thing could wind up like the Simpson's therapy session, and there will be a massive worldwide blackout. Either way.

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Well, that is it for this week's list. I hope you enjoyed it. Leave any comments in the appropriate location. I should be here for a few weeks, so I hope you guys enjoy my stint here. Until then, take care and be well.

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