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 411mania » Games » Columns

Working Title 06.09.12: Working Report Card: E3 2012 Press Conferences
Posted by Jordan Williams on 06.09.2012


Welcome to the #1 Column to go into this E3 COLD AS HELL but leave it pleasantly surprised, WORKING TITLE. Is there really much else that needs to be said other than that this week was E3? I mean if there was a week to look at all of the gaming news that is going on than this was the one to do it. So what was in store this year? What were the big game changers we saw? How about the biggest disappointments?

Well that's what the Working Report Card is here for. I am usually the one that does the 3R's of E3 but this year someone else is handling the reigns while I do my own thang. I am going to look at what I thought were the hits and misses of the E3 Press conferences.
And just a reminder the Working Title Halftime Award Nominees will be posted NEXT WEEK.

Working Title: Working Report Card E3 2012

Alright, the big press conferences of E3 are officially over and it's...well...it's strange. We know this was going to be a sort of cold E3 because whether they Big 3 likes to admit it or not we are heading towards the end of the console generation. But after watching the pressers I came away a bit more...just sort of disappointed more so than really floored. Microsoft didn't hint at the new Xbox, Sony didn't hint at the PS4, and for all the good Nintendo might've done they didn't really give me any reason to get a Wii U. But those little details will make sense in the grades. So I am going in order of the press conferences and I am *NOT* including Konami and the Pre-E3 Nintendo conference. So let's go.

Note: I am not going to hit every single game that was announced or shown. I'm sticking to the big stuff that jumped out to me (one way or another). So if I don't mention it it doesn't mean I hated it or forgot. It just means that it didn't make too much of an impression either way.

Going into this E3 I think behind Nintendo that Microsoft had to be the ones to really come with its arms swinging to generate some sort of hype. We already know they are lacking like a motherfucker when it comes to exclusives and they aren't nearly the strongest going INTO E3. So this was the time to either convince us that Xbox 360 is THE device we want to do our gaming on for the rest of this generation or really prep us for the next generation.

What we got was...uh.

Fuck it. Let's be honest. What we got was the same stuff we got for the last two years. We got Microsoft falling back to its one big exclusive and literally everything else is stuff we can get on other consoles or stuff that really didn't look too impressive. Not a strong showing.

The Hits

Halo 4

Halo 4 looked good. There. I said it. It will have all of its haters who complain that HURR DURR MORE SPESS MAHRINES but you know what? Halo 3 and Halo: Reach turned me around on the series and especially on the multiplayer. I was a little bummed at first to see that there was Covenant running around but that quickly went away when I saw more varied enemy types and new weapons. I wish they would've done some sort of multiplayer demo or gave us a peek of that but for what we saw I came away still wanting it.

Resident Evil 6

Hey, guess what? I liked Resident Evil 6's demo.

But it was nothing but QTEs and Action and it wasn't survival horror and waaaaah

It's been 7 years since Resident Evil 4. I know it's hard for the fans to admit it...but the Survival Horror Resident Evil games are not coming back in the way you wanted to. I'm sorry, if you want to jump ship now you can feel free to. But as someone who liked the "Original 4" (I'm counting Code Veronica) and still liked Resident Evil 4 and...some...of 5 I can get behind Resident Evil 6. It demo'd well enough for me to still keep it on my radar and I actually like the idea of Leon and Chris being more equipped to handle the situation. If you think about logically and in real time Leon has for FOURTEEN years now and if you want to do the math on Chris than it's been almost two decades. They would be pretty goddamned adept and killing zombies by now...especially getting down this whole "walking and shooting" thing. I liked what I saw and I hope this is where Capcom's production and development was going and not into Operation Raccoon City.

Tomb Raider

Going into E3 this was probably the game I was most excited to see more of and I was not disappointed. I like the where Tomb Raider is going and I like the fact that I am getting some sort of survival instinct gameplay version Lara's old run-and-shoot and Drake's Mass Murdering. I like the idea that you are working with what is given to your rather than finding ammo around every corner and the game is just sort of like "Well, you have a bow and arrow and he as a shotgun. You obviously want the shotgun so...work it out". It's drawing a lot of comparison's to Uncharted which I can understand...but seeing as how Uncharted was consistently one of the best showings of games at E3 (and a GOTY winner) I don't mind the comparison.

The Misses

Xbox Smart Glass

So this was what the main course of Microsoft's content was and...while I can see what they are doing I can also see that this wasn't for me. I have an iPhone and the only times I ever use it when playing a game is to look at a FAQ and that seems way easier and less cumbersome than having to sync pretty much everything I own into it. I don't use HBO GO, I don't use Crackle, and I for DAMN sure don't use Internet Explorer...so I am not sure who this Smart Glass was FOR but...it looked nice? I know why it was at E3 because contrary to internet-belief E3 is NOT for us gaming pundits and fan boys to sit around and coo over. It's for the businessmen in suits to decide where they are going to put their funding and investments. But...everything about Smart Glass seemed like it would've been a much better fit at CES over E3.

Gears of War: Judgment

GoW: J might be the multiplayer game of show for me...but it's only because I watched all of the live coverage AFTERWARDS to see what the hell this game actually is. I don't get how Microsoft went into this without actually showing off this game. They only have two real exclusives that their fan base cares about and instead of showing this off they decided to do the next item on the list for an extended time. I don't get it. This is easily Microsoft's #2 franchise and they completely ignored it.


So, contrary to how much I shit on the Kinect would you believe that I actually have one? Yeah. I use it for pretty much everything not shown here today. So when they showed some of the Madden and FIFA stuff I pretty much checked out. The only thing that was sort of interesting was Wreckatter and Dance Central 3. One of those games I don't care about and the second one I have seen before three years in a row. And there was Fable: The Journey. More of the same...which is not what we wanted. This would've been the greatest chance to show off Steel Battalion but once again it got ignored. Seems to be the theme of this conference.

Closing with Call of Duty: Black Ops

Okay. That Black Ops demo was fucking BORING. I don't even mean the boring in the way that "The Internet Hates Call of Duty" way, I mean boring in that the guy playing it sucked, and I didn't see anything inspiring during that entire thing...and this is what Microsoft decided to CLOSE with? We know pretty much that Microsoft considers Call of Duty to be one of its exclusives but there is no way that should've gotten top billing over the two ACTUAL exclusives that Microsoft has. I am not sour on Black Ops 2 because of the coverage I saw later in the day...but ONCE AGAIN why wasn't this interesting stuff shown during the demo?

Overall Grade: D

To put it out there plain and simple Microsoft did not bring it today. They showed Halo 4, which was great...and if you want to look at this from the "Why would I keep and Xbox and what does it offer me that PS3 (and soon Wii U) can't do" then it...doesn't do much. Splinter Cell is a multiplatform game, Tomb Raider is a multiplatform game, Resident Evil 6 and Black Ops 2 both multiplatform games. In terms of the game I saw I like what I saw...I just didn't see anything FROM MICROSOFT that I can say would entice me into buying a 360 if I didn't already have one. If anything this seemed more like an advertisement for everything BUT Microsoft's games. I felt like renewing a subscription to HBO and go watch Prometheus. It wasn't the 'worst conference in history' like the rest of the internet would want you to believe...but I honestly can understand why someone would say that.

So moving along into EA's conference and they pretty much just towed the company line. EA makes no bones about letting you know that they do sport game first and that's what they do best. With that in mind I found it REALLY hard to care about this conference. I am not big into sports games, and since that was mostly the brunt of the new content they showed off I really had to find stuff to like here. They actually showed game but almost everything they showed was stuff we knew about and didn't see too much of an improvement on. Basically you knew what you were getting into with EA before you saw it.

The Hits

The Sims

See what I mean? Watching EA's conference and the only thing I really came away from EA happy about. I like sim games and Sim City is...well...you know...ONE OF THE PILLARS of the genre. So between the meager FPS showings and the Sports Games that probably do have a lot of changes that people from the outside will not completely understand or care about...this whole Sim City really intrigued me. Especially the idea of a multiplayer Sim City. Of course that means I am just going to fuck up my friend's games with disasters and what not. But hey...


I really don't care for the UFC games, but this one is more of a "Hit" due to business decisions. We all know that THQ is not in the best place right now financially. With only WWE and Saints Row really making money for the company it seems like they were going to sink and take the UFC license with it. But instead they sold off the UFC license and now EA has it. So that means we are going to get a higher quality (depending on how you view it) UFC game every year and THQ has sold off one of its hot properties and is avoiding bankruptcy which means SAINTS ROW FOUR CAN STILL BE MADE. It's a win-win situation.

The Misses

Medal of Honor: Warfighter

If you would've showed me this game and said it was Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 I honestly would not have been able to tell the difference. We are 7 years into this cycle and I never thought I would still be making "Brown and Bloom" jokes but...this game was hella brown. It's not that Warfighter LOOKS bad...it's just that it LOOKS like every other military shooter we've seen for the last five years. There was nothing there that set it apart from other games in the genre and nothing there that made me sit up and pay attention. It was just boring to look at and indistinguishable.

Spending time on known quantities (BF3:P and TOR)

Alright. Ima start cussing. I like BF3, it was my favorite shooter of last year. TOR is probably cool...I never got into it. Why in the fresh fuck are we devoting 30 minutes to these games? At E3? Fucking seriously? You only have an hour to convince people to stay with EA products and they announce something for BF3 that could easily have been an announcement saved for later on the show floor and I honestly doubt the people that are hardcore into TOR were tuning into E3 to see the hot new TOR announcements. I don't get why they spent so much time on known quantities and games that have been out for MONTHS instead of putting more focus on some of the stuff they had there.

Dead Space 3

I never played Dead Space 1, I went back and played Dead Space 2 for a bit but never got around to finish it. But even with my...let's say 15 hours of total Dead Space experience I can say that from what they showed us of Dead Space 3 at this conference...I was not feeling it. It looks great, it looks like it plays great...it just doesn't look like Dead Space outside of Isaac and the suits. It sounds weird seeing as I defended Resident Evil 6 and it's more action-oriented style but the difference here is that Resident Evil had four (five if you count CVX) games to use the survival horror style. They told stories with it, they made new mechanics with it, they sort of beat it into the ground BEFORE they decided to say it was time to change things up with Resident Evil 4. Dead Space has only had three games.

That is just not enough time.

Resident Evil had time to use the survival horror genre, beat it up, and get tired of it. All on limited technology. Dead Space 1 arguably only scratched the surface of what (at the time) Next Gen survival horror could be. Fuck, Dead Space WAS the face of (again, at the time) next gen survival horror. And to see that it looks more like Gears of Uncharted Effect just doesn't rub me the right way. Hopefully they just figured that horror was harder to demo so they decided to go with action.

But from what I see...I don't like it.

Overall Grade: D-

I guess you can say EA stuck to its guns here and didn't stray too far from what EA does best...but that is part of the problem. In fact that is just a problem with this E3 as a whole. Everyone knows that this generation is all but over and no one wants to commit full boar into a new IP (outside of a few) and no one wants to make TOO many changes to the flow because it's worked so well during its current generation. I can't really blame EA for sticking so close to what it does best, but at the same time they changed probably its biggest game of the show in such an odd way that you are just left confused as to what is going on there. Dead Space 3 is not the Dead Space I think anyone wants, Need for Speed: Most Wanted is pretty indistinguishable from the other NFS games, and Warfighter and BF3 are pretty good military shooters. Because the world has been aching for those for about...oh....5 months now.

Oh. I guess Crysis 3 was there. How 'bout that.

Ubisoft might not be known exactly for the quality of games they show at E3 but more so for the press conferences they have. They are usually downright awful. Laser Tag, Dance Numbers, James Cameron lectures, and Mr. Caffeine have just put Ubisoft Pressers in more of an entertainment level in the bad way and the games felt like an afterthought. But this year Ubisoft had probably the second biggest known game going into the show with Assassin's Creed 3 and some unfinished business with Far Cry 3. And as the day went on it made one thing clear.

Ubisoft might be the hero this E3 needs.

The Hits


I'll admit the more I read and watch about this game the more my "Holy Shit" turns into a "Wow, that looks neat" but that doesn't erase the fact that Ubisoft had the balls to announce a new IP. After the admittedly confusing video we got a gameplay demo that honestly looked like the bastard child of Assassin's Creed and Mindjack with a bit of Hackers thrown in for flavor. Up until the obligatory shooting section I wanted this game BAD. After the shooting section I was kind of bummed that it had to resort of third person cover shooting but with all of the tools that were there it looked like that (hopefully) the shooting would be few and far between or a last step measure. But what really got me intrigued was the idea that the game has some sort of synched multiplayer component. Or at least I hope that's what the end of that gameplay trailer hinted to. Either way we have a NEW IP this late in the game and it looks like something interesting. I'm on board to hear more news.

FarCry 3

I have to get this out of the way.

Those were some really good looking polygon boobs. Someone put some work into those.

Now that I got the low hanging joke out of the way, I can go ahead and say that THE ONLY first person shooter that interested me the entire show was Far Cry. Last year the "Insanity" reel for Far Cry 3 really didn't do much for me...but this gameplay demo just hit a nerve. I am not sure if it was the fact that it WASN'T military shooter #6 or that they are doing what seems like some actual things with a story there or maybe it WAS the ridiculously detailed polygon boobies. Far Cry 3 just flowed in a way that I liked. It was almost like a slightly more action-ized BioShock in how there was shooting...but I was interested more in what was going on around the shooting than the shooting itself.
Yeah, I just compared Far Cry to BioShock. Crazy, isn't it?

Assassin's Creed 3

Assassin's Creed has sort of hit the same level as Borderlands 2 to me. I don't need to see any more about it to know that this is a game that I am going to get and a game that I want to play. And even after all of that I still saw enough from this game to make me want to play it sooner rather than later. I like the fact that they we are getting some Red Dead inspired hunting and gathering and some more variety to the side quests. Plus I really like the idea that Connor is a fighter. I never liked Ezio because on top of being annoying as all fuck he sort of 'fell' into being an assassin and it took damn near three games for him to finally hit the pinnacle of badass that Altair already had when the game started. We already have a character in the game who is the 'fish out of water' and that is Desmond so I am happy to see that it doesn't look like we are going to get that style of fluff when Connor.

Plus, boats. Yeah I know that stuff was in the Sony Press conference but man did that boat battle look fucking nice.

Rayman Generations

Nintendo didn't show me a goddamn thing that came directly from them that impressed me with the Wii U. Just giving you that preview before we get into the bottom of the page. With that being said Rayman Generations...I kind of like what's going on here. I like the fact that the 'girlfriend' mode actually has some bearing on the world. You aren't just there to stick around and hover while the first player does all of the work. Instead they are actually changing stuff in the level and actively assisting the controller players. Also the fact that they revealed that the game would support FIVE players instead of four. I might be jumping ahead of myself but the implications that you could have more than four controllers synced up and working with the Wii U is pretty damned cool.

Think of a Smash Bros game that isn't limited to 4 players.

Just think.

The Misses

Splinter Cell: Blacklist

I never was a big fan of Splinter Cell before Conviction, and even thought I played Conviction almost to completion I didn't like it much. So to see that Blacklist looks like more of Conviction just was not doing it for me. I think the thing that just rubbed me the wrong way the most was how much Mark and Execute just looks like it breaks the game. In Conviction it made some rooms easier than they needed to be but you at least had to work for it and make sure you were in the right position to mark and execute everyone that was left. If you missed one or if you didn't judge it right then it didn't work. Now that Mark and Execute moves Sam through the room...what's stopped you from just sneaking until you execute a dude and just MnE'ing the rest of the room on autopilot? I don't like it. I am not a stickler for a ton of challenge but I don't want the game to play for me either...and that's what a lot of Blacklist looked like.

Just Dance 3





This was more of just the presentation of Shootmania versus me not liking Shootmania. The demo/tournament/excuse to hate ESPORTS didn't explain a DAMN thing about what the hell Shootmania was. Like...NOTHING. I don't know how it plays, how the weapons work, how the map building works. Nothing. All I saw was a staged tournament from a week ago with some equally bad commentary. I know if you are big into Trackmania you probably know all there is about Shootmania. But for the rest of us we had NO idea what was going on. Not a damn thing.

Celebrity Hosts

The Grand Tradition of Ubisoft having HORRIBLE HOSTS continues. Jesus Fucking Rice that was bad. Luckily Ubisoft managed to save E3 with its games because as a press event watching Lana Lane trying to do everything in her power not to kill Toboscus was fucking terrible. That fucker needs to just stick to Literal Trailers and that is IT. Never let him talk for an extended amount of time ever a-fucking-gain.

Overall Grade: B

I was not expecting Ubisoft to be the 'winner' of E3. But the more I looked at pretty much every conference and every press event I notice that everything I liked from every press event outside of Microsoft game from Ubisoft. They showed us a new IP in Watch_Dogs, a good looking sequel in Far Cry 3, and a new step in a long running franchise in Assassin's Creed 3. There were more hits than misses and honestly it just seems like they know how to manage them better. They didn't get weighed down too heavily by catering to the casual crowd, but on the same hand they didn't go so hardcore that they weren't playing to the business suits that are the real focal point of E3.

Oh Sony. How do you have one of the better exclusive line ups but constantly just fly directly under the radar when it comes to E3? You just released a handheld and you pulled the curtain off of The Last of Us and even then...no one seems to know what you are going to do or even bother TO do. I mean. Seriously. Going into E3 Sony was the biggest question mark. Sony (the company) was hurting, but not so much the PS3. They had good exclusives. The Vita was...okay. So what did Sony have to do? Better yet, what DID Sony do?

The Hits

The Last of Us

The Last of Us looked great. I actually mean that with no "but" or no pretense. I am not going to be surprised if it wins game of show. I liked the idea that this game is probably going to be the new face of the Survival Horror genre. You have all of the tools and abilities that one might see in a cover based action shooter but every little encounter seems to be just as deadly. It's been a very long time since you could walk into a room in a video game and see three people and go "FUCK" instead of "Oh, I'll just pop all three of them with headshots". I am not sure that so late in the cycle that Last of Us will be a console seller, and I don't think they necessarily are positioning it to be...but I do think it's the best reason for people to keep the PS3.

PlayStation Plus Additions

I've made it clear that I prefer XBL over PSN. Yes, I am (technically) paying for online multiplayer and what not but I just like it better. That doesn't mean I don't wish Microsoft got its shit together as well as Sony has gotten theirs. I mean there really isn't much else to say other than that. XBL seems to be expanding farther and farther into the realm of all-encompassing entertainment meanwhile PSN (and PSN+) seem to be expanding more towards GAMES. I'll give you three guesses what the average E3-goer cares about more.

PS1 On Vita

Now this one is a double edged sword. Seeing as the PS1 is the first console of a lot of the people in the current generation (which baffles me) then the announcement of a ton of PS1 games coming to the Vita. Seeing as it's getting harder and harder to track down these older games and the consoles available to play them on...this is actually pretty great. There is a negative side to this which I will get to when I hit that point. But more games = good.

The Misses


I'm sorry. I don't get it. Maybe it's too deep for me or something but I cannot understand how everyone got so excited over a trailer that was 4 minutes of Ellen Page staring blankly at the camera and then a sizzle reel of what we aren't sure is gameplay or cut scene. I've heard since that they were giving journalists some closed door looks of actual gameplay and the game looks good...but I can only go off of what I've seen here and I didn't see anything that would sell me on this game.

PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale

Look, you simply can't bring up this game without bringing up Super Smash Bros. So there. It's out there. We know this is Sony's knock-off (and I mean that in the negative way) of SSB. It looks like it's competently made, it looks fine, it looks like it plays well. The thing is it looks like it's lacking the soul and the heart that SSB had. On top of being a fun game there was just this swell of "Yes!" that came over you when you played SSB for the first time (or the second, or third) because you were seeing what you grew up with finally mixing and it worked well. Now, I am not ignoring that with the current generation of children they very-well have grown up with Kratos and Drake...but it's just not the same. The game just seemed scatter-brained and it doesn't have its own REAL identity. The fact that Sony's exclusive mascots and characters are not deep enough to pull a giant roster out is saying something, too. I am not sure if I was a kid (or whoever this game is marketed towards) I would get the same sense of magic watching Big Daddy vs. Killzone Guy vs. Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII vs. Fat Princess. Without an identity this game only has gameplay to fall back on...and with it looking more like what the next Super Smash Bros. game is going to be it just seems like a bad idea altogether.

God of War: Ascension

I don't throw this term out often, especially since I like Dynasty Warriors...but this was the same old shit. If you put this and God of War 3 side by side I wouldn't be able to tell you which was which. I know why Sony displayed it because it is probably THE biggest IP they have...but it would've been far better for them to show us WHY GoW:A is different or better than the older GoW games instead of showing what honestly looked like DLC levels for God of War 3. Wasn't this rumored to have some sort of multiplayer? Shit. Show me that instead.

Wonderbook and Lack of Vita Support

The Wonderbook shit looks mad dumb. Also notice how this was pretty much the only thing they showed regarding the PS Move? That shit is so dead in the water they might as well get Taylor Kitsch to be its mascot.

I had to get like one bad joke in there, and that was it.

So getting back to the Vita...it's just sort of strange that they spent so much time on literally everything else but the handheld/console that they just released earlier this year? This should've been the time to really justify people buying the Vita or getting people on board and essentially all they did was just go "All of those great PS1 titles...you can buy those again! Also new color and new Assassin's Cree game!" and went right into the Wonderbook segment. Again, there was a ton of stuff shown to journalists and what not but those people are AT E3. They are the ones who are going to get review copies of these games and are probably going to buy them on their own. I've been harping on people getting the wrong idea about E3 for a long time (It's for business, not consumer) but even from a business standpoint that press conference didn't show me why I would invest money in the Vita or order more or them for my store. You have to show me something here.

Overall Grade: C+

Even with the stumble on the PS Move and the Vita Sony still fared better than both of its competitors when it came to getting exclusives out there (and a new IP) and showcasing what the console can do and WILL do moving forward. Even better was that when you left this presser you had an idea of where Sony was going and what exactly it wanted to do. I know Sony is trying to crank out exclusives to keep its current customers happy and is still interested in putting out new IPs for the PS3 and it wants to expand its footprint with PSN. But even with all of that praise a lot of the stuff they showed was stuff that we knew was coming. As impressive as The Last of US is, we've known about it for months now. God of War: Ascension looks like new box, same shit. And I am not even sure if Beyond underwhelmed me because as of this writing I still don't even know what it IS. They still did better than Microsoft and Nintendo (wait for it) but still was a bit lackluster.


....Where the fuck is The Last Guardian?

E3 2012 was Nintendo's E3 to win or lose. They had pretty much all of the hype going into the conference. They had the new console, which has been poised as the start of the next generation. A slate of new software to show off, a new handheld to pimp out some more. Nintendo needed to come out here and silence all of the detractors and get people hyped for Wii U and the 3DS. Did it do that job?

Short answer: ...Maybe?

The Hits

Zombi U

I love me some zombies, and I think out of everything they showed the idea of Zombi U was what had me the most intrigued. It was to me the ONLY game that they showed that seemed like it had a reason to use both the Wii U tablet and the TV in conjunction and sounds like a something that some thought was actually put into instead of just a shitty port that complete uses the Tablet like a DS screen. I am not happy that they decided to show us simulated footage of the game instead of doing a live demo...but I at least got a good idea of what the hell they were doing. This is probably the last time I'm going to say that.

The Bright Side: 3rd Party Support

Hey guys! Nintendo has 3rd Party support again! Yay! You have triple A titles like Batman: AC, Mass Effect 3, Assassin's Creed 3, and Darksiders II coming to a NINTENDO console. When is the last time you had multiplatform games on a Nintendo console that actually looked the same and (with the Pro controller) PLAYED the same? Seriously. This is a pretty big deal. There's a dark side though...

The Bright Side: 3DS is not Dead

There are still games coming out for the 3DS! Good looking ones! That's pretty much all I can say until the next section...

Pikmin 3

Full disclosure: I am not a Pikmin fan. It doesn't do much for me. With that being said I am happy that it's FINALLY out. Now everyone can stop whining about it and Nintendo can hopefully start working on bringing another one of its licenses back from the dead. The world needs an F-Zero game.

The Misses

The Dark Side: 3rd Party Support

Okay, this was probably the second-most thing that baffled me. For the now two years of development for the Wii U all you have to show us are gimmick-based ports of game that will be a year old by the time they come out? Why in the FUCK did we need to sit through that insipid Batman: ACAE demo? I guarantee you EVERYONE in that audience or at home that wanted to play that game did so 5 months ago when it was still new. No one was sitting on their hands going "Man, I want to wait to play this game until they put in an Easy Mode and let me control the batarang!".

Why not take this chance to show how an UPCOMING game would be different on Wii U? Darksiders II would've been great seeing as NO ONE HAS SEEN SHIT ABOUT THAT GAME. Nothing that they showed from the third parties outside of Zombi U made me interested in purchasing a Wii U. No one is going to buy this to play ports of old games. Shit...I am not even sure people will buy this for FIRST party games. More on that later.

The Dark Side: 3DS is not Dead...or even here.

Since I am going off of what was only at the official Nintendo Press Conference, I can't go on the 3DS Conference. So...I didn't see shit. All we got was a sizzle real of games that looked infinitely more interesting than Luigi's Mansion. The 3DS is finally back on track and selling but it's not in a comfortable enough position that they can't show anything at E3.

Again, we know that there was a 3DS Conference the following day and I am not including that in here and it won't affect its score. But holy shit Nintendo...stop reading the instruction manual when you do demos. At least the Black Ops and Warfighter guys know to just shut the hell up and let the game speak for itself.

Mario Disappoints

Mario is supposed to be the game that officially tests the new hardware. All of the new ideas get tested out with Mario first because Mario is fucking bulletproof. So the first Mario game you are going to put out for the Wii U is going to be the safest, lamest, and frankly LAZIEST Mario game since NSMB? NSMB was fun. Once. I don't need it again. Also if you had showed me the 3DS version of this I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

Outside of the coin gimmick and the raccoon suit both of these games look exactly the fucking same. Mario should NEVER be the boring game at a Nintendo conference. PERIOD. Congratulations, Nintendo. You made MARIO boring. That is a fucking FEAT.


This shit was just stupid. We know this is going to be the Wii Sports of the Wii U but did we need to close with this? Did we really need them to spend so much time on what is probably just going to be the pack-in for the game? And to bring up my point about them doing TERRIBLE live demos. Even if this was an interesting concept to watch the fact that you have a boring voice just droning on..and on...and on...about the game with no sense of enthusiasm or anything just makes me want to fall asleep. I didn't think we would get a weaker closing than the Microsoft press conference but then NintendoLand showed up and shit in my ice cream cone.

Overall Grade: D+

This was once again Nintendo's E3 to win or lose and they just underperformed. If it sounds like I am being harsh on Nintendo it's because I AM. Nintendo has been in this game longer than anyone else right now and for some reason they have just lost all sense when it comes to trying to get people hyped with its product. They are trying to position the Wii U as the first next gen console...by showing off last gen games. There wasn't a single thing shown that gave us a taste or a test of what the Wii U can actually do. The tablet screen wasn't shown in any sort of way that will change gaming forever. The 3DS wasn't even mentioned long enough for anyone to care about it. We have NO IDEA what Nintendo is doing right now. If you ask them something they just grin and go "You'll find out later!"

That's NOT acceptable. You have a console launching THIS YEAR and at the MOST IMPORTANT CONFERENCE BEFORE A LAUNCH you showed us NOTHING. I didn't see anything there that a PS3 with cross play or an Xbox 360 with Smart Glass couldn't do. I didn't see anything there that makes me feel like I am going to miss out on the Wii Launch. The only reason this is getting graded higher than Microsoft is at least Nintendo remembered this was a games conference and actually showed GAMES. None of them were original or terribly inspiring, but were still games nonetheless.

If Nintendo doesn't get its shit together it's going to get make the already hard road for the Wii U even harder. I'm talking Virtual Boy levels of hard. I'm talking Sega Saturn levels of hard...with ALL of the implications name brings.

Overall...this was a pretty bland E3 if you were watching it for the press conferences I've learned since two years ago that all of the good parts of E3 are the things that are covered on websites and shown on G4 and Spike TV. The exclusive demos and what not. But still, for the average joe who is watching E3 and thinks that the pressers are everything it's hard not to feel a little let down by everything that's happened.

And with that, I am OUT. Remember that next week is the first half of the Working Title Halftime Award Nominees.

Until next time, I'm Jordan Williams...and my body was ready.

It just wasn't satisfied.


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