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 411mania » Games » Columns

The 8 Ball 04.29.14: Top 8 VIdeo Game Weapons
Posted by Marc Morrison on 04.29.2014

Welcome all to another edition of the 8 Ball, where this week the topic is game weapons. Most weapons in games usually fall into traditional tropes: pistol, shotgun, assault rifle, and some sort of heavy gun. This week, Liana and I wanted to focus on game weapons that we both find awesome in games, regardless if they fit into the conventional norm or no. Enjoy:

8. Razor Wind

 photo Razorwind_zpse85446c1.jpg

The first two Turok games with packed full of fun weapons, the first game had the Fusion Cannon and Chronoscepter and Turok 2 had the Flamethrower (an impressive graphical effect), the Cerebral Bore, and the Razor Wind. While the Bore gets a lot of attention for all the gore/death animations it causes, I just had fun with the Razor Wind. It was fun chucking that thing around both in big open areas (so it came back as a boomerang) and in tight corridors (where it was like a bouncy ball of death). To me, it was some of the best times to be had with Turok 2, especially since most of the actual dinosaurs were gone.

7. Energy Sword

 photo EnergySword_zps006558af.jpg

When it comes to the iconic weaponry in the Halo series, none is better represented then the Energy Sword. It's cool looking, deadly, and leads to a different style of play once you are using it. However, the big two drawbacks for me (which is why it's relatively low on my list) are 1. When you use it, it has a battery/ammo attached to it. And 2. When enemies are using it, the sword is pretty devastating in the game. This was more of a problem in the early Halo games, later ones gave you defensive moves to survive, but certain parts of Halo 1 were pretty challenging when you faced off against an Elite carrying one of these swords around. On the flip side, it is a lot of fun to use in multiplayer, so that was cool.

6. FarSight/Laptop Gun

 photo Farsight_zps74f7bd00.jpg

Perfect Dark had a decent array of neat-future weapons that are blended with popular GoldenEye game weapons. The AR33, PP9i and DMC are evidence of this. However, the two coolest weapons in the game were the Laptop Gun and the FarSight. The Laptop Gun (disguised as a laptop) is a submachine gun with a decent firing speed. However its alt-fire is where it shines, becoming a sentry gun you can put on floors and ceilings to stop baddies from coming. The FarSight is the king of the game though and is so game-breakingly broken, it almost deserves a spot on its own. The FarSight is essentially a rail gun, able to see through the walls of a level and kill enemies with the bullet going between the walls. The alt-fire turns the FarSight into a homing gun where the gun auto-targets enemies around the level. It was completely broken but in a brilliantly fun way.

5. Lancer

 photo Lancer_zps903b0d83.jpeg

Here's the thing, I've never really liked a Gears of War game. I did play/beat Gears 1, but I tired of the endless enemy holes and the last fight really annoyed me. I only spent about 20 minutes with Gears 2 before stopping. Gears 3, however, oddly caught my interest, and I literally just beat it a few days ago. The lancer is the most iconic weapon of the Gears franchise because it's a decent all-around weapon in most situations and the chainsaw bayonet on the front. It is supremely satisfying to fire that thing up and rush an enemy, slicing them in half. During my time with Gears 3, I pretty much always kept the normal Lancer with me, except in certain cases where it just wasn't around to restock with ammo. And while the Retro Lancer was a fun toy (and slightly better in short range fights) but the normal Lancer reigns supreme in the series.

4. Experimental MIRV

 photo Fat_Man_zpsfa14bf2c.jpg

What's better than the Fat Man in Fallout 3? Easy. One that fires 8 shots at a time. While the Fat Man is an already fairly over-powered weapon to begin with, only really not able to one-shot a Super Mutant Behemoth. With the MIRV, you can literally take down anything, if the spread is right (it fires in a shotgun shell formation). You'll likely even accidentally kill yourself as well, if you're just messing around with it. It's hard to get, but worth digging around the wasteland for it.

3. Thunderfury

 photo Thunderfury_zps8a797fca.jpg

The Thunderfury in both Diablo 3 and World of Warcraft is a cool looking weapon. Both kind of look like a slightly realistic version of the Halo Energy Sword, only with a core of lightning at the hilt. And in either game, both are pretty awesome. The cool hook for both of these weapons is the ability for the sword to fire off a lightning charge that can jump from enemy to enemy, damaging them in the process. It's a sword that I really want to drop in Diablo 3 (so I can get the Transmog pattern) and have no use for in WoW (I play a mage), but would still love to have.

2. Hidden Blade

 photo HiddenBlade_zpse520990a.jpg

I've talked a lot about the big iconic weaponry in games, and none is more iconic then the Hidden Blade. It's a great tool in the game, being able to kill multiple guys, being stealthy, and (in some versions) able to poison people with it, sure. But unlike most of the weapons on this list, it's functional enough in the real life, and, let's be honest: would be awesome to actually have one. Not to kill people with, necessarily, but just to keep flicking the blade in and out. "Oh, you need that letter opened? *shink*, there you go. Need that bread cut? *shink*, no problem." I even love the little in joke in AC2 when Leonardo gravely tells Ezio, "I can give you the blade, but it'll cost you a finger." Ezio solemnly goes "If it has to be done.", Leonardo brings the hatchet down and hits the table with a "Oh, I'm just screwing with you. I fixed that design fault." That's perfect.

1. KLOBB (Joke)

Ken Lobb will forever be among us!

1. ‘Merica

 photo Merica_zps483b0f90.jpg

I used the ‘Merica weapon for, oh, about 98% of my entire time playing Saints Row 4. The only times I didn't use it was when I was forced to. It was usually missions where I was forced to use the Dubstep Gun, which sucked, since I never bothered to upgrade it in the slightest. The great thing about the ‘Merica weapon (besides how awesome it looks) is that it was a dual-threat weapon. It could either become a short-range but highly powerful flamethrower (enough to kill a Warden in about 3 seconds), or else an extremely rapid-fire rocket launcher that just sprays rockets. The only real drawback to this weapon is that it plays a soft, but constant Marines Hymn song that plays whenever you have the weapon in your arsenal. Aside from that little issue, this weapon is the best ever.

The Better Half with Liana K

In building this list, I realized that a person's favorite video game weapons say a lot about them. I think what this list says about me is that I like things that are over the top and don't make sense. Seriously, thinking too hard about video game weapons is like trying to find fibonacci sequences in Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles movies. That sound you hear is that last reference sailing over most people's heads.

8: The Augur (Resistance: Fall of Man)

This Chimeran weapon is an energy rifle that can tunnel through solid walls without damaging them, but it severely burns organic matter. This makes it sound a bit like a really bad fart, but that doesn't make it not cool.

7: Valentine (Soulcalibur)

Ivy's snake sword is super badass. I love it so much I made one with coaxial cable and two cut up How To Train Your Dragon larp swords. I love the fact that it's a weapon that has stances. I love that it's so ridiculous they had to say it was made by magic. And I love that it can strangle an opponent AND slice 'em up! Squirm!

6: The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device (Portal)

The ASHPD, more commonly known as the Portal Gun, isn't exactly a weapon. It's more like a tool. But a hammer can smash both nails and skulls, so a weapon is in the eye of the homicidal beholder. Either way, the idea that you can splat entry and exit points in any flat surfaces you choose could make so many things so much simpler if that technology really existed. That being said, it's not worth a killer AI on the loose and... still alive... still alive.... Yeah I went there.

5: Mario's Power Ups (Super Mario Bros)

Seriously, Mario's feet have the power to vanquish foes just by jumping on their heads. But the fire flower? A leaf that turns him into a flying raccoon? The frog suit!? Deadly AND adorable! What makes them adorable? The fact that they make no sense.

4: Chaos Blades (God of War)

Swords are a dime a dozen in video games, but what makes Kratos' weapons interesting is how they make somewhat loose combat make sense. There's a lag and a flow to Kratos' figthing style that is practically balletic once you get the hang of it. It's highly satisfying, like really violent zen. I actually bought the foam replica toys of Kratos' blades. Even though they're foam, they still really hurt when you hit yourself in the face with them.

3: Lancer (Gears of War)

Take a fully automatic battle rifle and add a Warhammer chainsword to the front of it. Frequently ram it up enemy locusts' butts, and make it go vroom. Welcome to the glorious grey area between epic cool and total douchebag. The Lancer is a completely ridiculous weapon, but it's one of my favorites just because it's an embodiment of complete overkill.

2: The Black Sheepinator (Ratchet and Clank)

The Sheepinator was a weapon that turned enemies into sheep. The Black Sheepinator turned enemies into exploding sheep! Always bet on black.

1: The Needler (Halo)

I love the Needler. I love the way it looks, I love the way it sounds, and I love the way it leaves little purple porcupine quills in enemies. The Halo weapons as a whole are pretty well designed, but the Needler has that extra cool alien factor that causes it to top my list! And, okay, the fact that it was gloriously overpowered in Halo 2 didn't hurt. It was still cool in Halo 4, even with extremely limited ammo that rendered it fairly useless. I could still make it go "zgquirt zgquirt zgquirt zgquirt zgquirt!" which is how I imagine the Needler noise is spelled.

Complainer's Corner

I did try to come up with a small list of alternate weapons, as I usally try to do. I didn't nail down the correct name of everything, but you should be able to get the idea of the weapon and the series it is from. Enjoy: Masamune Sword, Ivy's Whip, Keyblade, Mega Buster,Pistol (Titanfall), Nikita Missile (MGS), Leash (Bulletstorm), and the Particle Rifle (Mass Effect 3)

The General Roundup

There were some good comments from last week that I'll try to address now. Someone pointed John Marston as a possible antihero. I did consider both him (and Jimmy Hopkins) for the list. The problem with Marston is that he is a good person drawn into insane situations. All he wants is to rescue his family, but he gets pulled in a lot of different directions that don't further this goal. Ultimately, when he does rescue his family, he simply wants to be left alone, but the Government (I suspect Obama, but I'm not sure) won't leave him alone, and he dies trying to protect them. Someone else mentioned Ezio for a possible spot I actually think of the main AC characters, Ezio is the most heroic and noble, so he didn't fit. Sure, he'll kill someone, but it's usually for a reason, while Edward (especially at the start) does it, just to do it. Cole McGrath is another interest pick, but that morality system is what can make him a "hero". If you go down the evil path then yes, he's an antihero, but if you play it good, then he's not. Lastly, to the person who commented about someone's post about their father dying in 2008, who called them "a crybaby", go screw yourself. That is all.

Next Issue

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The 10 Best Simpsons Episodes

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