Angry Gaming 08.14.06: The Names Of The Game
Posted by Damian Sarcuni on 08.14.2006
It's time to beat egos into a hole. Get your aluminum bats ready!
Welcome to Angry Gaming, where we hate love and we love hate. I'm your host Damian Sarcuni and I ain't tossin' no salad. Roll that beautiful column footage:
The Names Of The Game
Fame is a powerful tool. Enough fame can bring you money you don't deserve, make your opinion carry weight it should not, or keep you from going to prison despite the multitude of blood stains all over the dashboard of your Ford Bronco. It doesn't matter whether the things you are famous for are good, bad, or downright embarrassing. Look at Paris Hilton and William Hung. There is no such thing as bad press and if enough people know your face and name, you can light up the sky like a flame. FAME!!
From the moment we're old enough to be entertained, we can easily see where to find fame. The industries are clear cut: Movies, Music, Television, Writing, Sports, or pretty much anything that'll land you in a news recap here on 411. Any of the pop culture career paths documented on this very site will either lead you directly into the spotlight or at least keep you around it. Anything that is, except video games.
If you want to be famous, the game industry is not for you. From the United States all the way to kekeke Korea, not one video game player has ever gotten more than 30 minutes of air time on MTV. To put that in perspective, being a gamer gets you LESS famous than two sock puppets and that white kid who dressed up in a business suit and told one liners on Yo Momma. If you think that's bad, game developers have it worse. Forever stuck in the shadow of large company names and easily skipped ending credits, most of the geeks responsible for all of your favorite titles do not get the credit they deserve.
This is actually a VERY good thing.
There are exceptions to every rule and in the case of video game designers; the few who have broken out of the crowd have become so wrapped up in infamy they make me absolutely sick to my stomach. With names, faces, and auras that far exceed their own work, these budding developers who weren't quite good enough for the movie industry draw zombie fans by the thousands just by slapping their digital signature somewhere on the long list of development teams. Today we will look at some of gaming's greatest developers ever, their mostly overrated accolades, and which hole of choice we should physically beat them back in to quickest join their poor, unsung colleagues. Get your aluminum bats ready!
Shigeru Miyamoto
Ah, Miyamoto-san. What can I possibly say about the father of all things Nintendo that has not been said already? The director and general manager of Nintendo Analysis and Development, and the first person to be inducted into the Academy of Interactive Arts and Sciences' Hall of Fame (thanks Wikipedia), producer, artist, and most importantly, total nut job.
Listen, I have just as much love for Mario as the rest of the world, and I have just as much anticipation pumping through my veins for Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, but it is time we faced facts. Miyamoto is an all out full blown whackadoo. Rumors persist that Nintendo has screwed him out of millions of dollars and I believe it one hundred percent. If I had a looney tune working in my corporate office, I'd probably grab myself an extra slice of cherry pie at the cafeteria too.
The mushroom kingdom, Pikmin, Donkey Kong Jr. Math; You have to either have schizophrenic disorders or eat an extra large pizza topped with psychlobin mushrooms (not that I've ever done that) to come up with this stuff. Let's go over this one more time: an Italian guy from Brooklyn, in between jobs as a zoo keeper and a plumber, drops into a golden pipe that leads to a fantasy land ruled by evil turtles and has to devour shrooms and pot leaves in order to save a bunch of TALKING mushrooms and a stick-thin disproportioned blonde harlot who has no problem tapping an already taken guy while the perfectly decent brother in green remains ever single. Yeah, clearly this concept wrote itself. Either that or the elves that lived in Miyamoto's secret panty drawer did it while he was sleeping. And mind you, that was just part 1! Part 4 had a helicopter with a clown face on it!
Our homeslice Shigeru is a walking cry for help, but damn all if his games don't still sell like hotcakes to this day. He's not so much a walking ego as he is the captain of a cruise liner full of acid tabs. Set the controls and sail into the sun you whacky bastard, and keep raking in that dough for the man. You might not get any of that hard earned yen, but at least you've pulled a Jackson Pollack and fooled everyone into thinking you're a perfectly normal "artist". You can't avoid the white coats forever Shigeru!
Tomonobu Itagaki
At this point I should mention that these developers are not listed in order of number of overrated ideas or most inflated ego. Rest assured Tomonobu Itagaki has both of those categories won hands down. The brain behind such hit series as Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball and Ninja Gaiden Black, Itagaki is credited as the savior of the oft near death game company known as Tecmo. Not only did Itagaki get bumped up in the ranks quickly, becoming Tecmo's own Miyamoto, but he also developed a new "look" to match his success.
Oh for god's sake...anyone ever heard of Gackt? No? Fine maybe you've heard of Trent Reznor then? No? Alright, how about David Freaking' Bowie?! To make matters even worse, Itagaki formed his own team of pudgy and scrawny (average not allowed) legion of designers to form up a subdivision of Tecmo known as "Team Ninja". Wow, this guy is just full of originality isn't he?
Itagaki certainly puts a lot of himself into his games. They lack just as much of a personality as he does. Dead or Alive was considered a revolutionary fighter, but not for its combo system or storyline. No, Itagaki was made famous because with his superior intellect he deduced that boys make up most of the gaming population and they want to see a bunch of this:
Brilliant Holmes, how do you do it? Itagaki followed up his gleaming achievement with yet another: a game that was really, really hard. Ninja Gaiden Black was received by fans with a treasure trove of complaints about how impossible the game was to stand, much less complete. Itagaki responded to these criticisms with various extended versions of his now beloved catch phrase "I don't care." What a way to treat your fans eh? See, Itagaki has gone on record multiple times as saying he has absolutely no interest in what his fans want, he and his boys just want to create their art. Of course, keep in mind that Team Ninja's art includes this all too technical logo:
Clearly this is the work of a genius. Can you smell the burning sarcasm yet? Well if you can't, let me spell it out in nice big bold letters: Tomonobu Itagaki SUCKS.
Sid Meier
I don't quite know enough about Meier (other than the fact that he has a fetish for putting himself in his own games) to really take shots at him. Sid Meier is viewed by many as the master of all things simulation, and he certainly has the credentials to prove it. F-15 Strike Eagle, Civilization, and of course Railroad Tycoon are just a few of Meier's more popular titles, which span decade after decade of computer gaming's legacy.
Meier isn't so much hated for his ego, or his balding head dear god, LOOK AT IT!!! Rather, he and his cronies earn a spot on our list of shame for not leaving well enough alone. Sure, Civilization was a great game, but it's had so many sequels that all share the same basic gimmick of rewriting history in whacky ways. But that's nothing compared to Railroad Tycoon, and it's long list of counter parts:
And those are just the recognizable ones. You could argue that Meier can't help it if people copy him, but the case is the same even for the titles carrying his name in them. Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri was designed by Brian Reynolds, and Civilization IV was headed by Soren Johnson. Baldy still gets the credit though. Sigh all of you in the mod community should learn the lesson: Don't sell to Microsoft! They'll remarket your idea which will lead others to remarket their idea, and pretty soon you'll have angry gamers summoning voodoo curses just so they don't have to hear your name anymore.
John Romero
How the mighty have fallen. Renowned as the king of first person shooters, Romero is the gamer's model of a washed up legend, and popular designers with massive star power should all take lessons in irony and humility from Romero's past. The man behind the greatness of Doom, Wolfenstein 3D, and Quake seemed all geared up to lead his partial brainchild, ID Software, into the next millennia of Doom clones. That never happened, because Romero jumped a ship that wasn't exactly sinking, and went on to co-found a new company, Ion Storm, with Tom Hall, also from ID. While Ion Storm itself had moderate success, it was there that Romero instigated what is possibly the greatest case of self-pwnage in game design history.
Daikatana was marketed as a masterpiece. It was slated to be the return of the mastermind who created Doom. Romero was so certain of his own popularity and of his game that the above ad was run for months prior to the game's release. The cost of producing the game was huge and it was delayed for three years from concept to release. Since most of you are probably scratching your heads as to what the game was actually about, you can guess the measure of success it met with. Daikatana sucked and gamers were none too thrilled about the trash talking ad campaign either. It never made to the Playstation and was eventually lost in a sea of hokey-themed fps' and mispronounced game titles. John Romero has since claimed that the game sold enough to cover its production costs. Yeah right John, that's the best saving grace line I've heard since "Ha ha I ruined your perfect."
Since then, Romero has bounced from company to company and most notably had a small measure of success with Midway's Area 51 for the PS2. Still, Romero has never come remotely close to the popularity he had during his golden years, and he has learned to keep his trap shut. He currently is working on an MMO game that he won't reveal any details about, but one thing is certain: we won't be seeing any more smack talk out of this lost soul.
The Anger
Friends, Romans, Developers, I call upon you to face the truth today! Nobody cares who you are! In fact, I'm worried that people aren't going to read this article just because I put a bunch of game developer's pictures in it! But seriously, games are so much larger than life, it's really hard to care about the physical minds behind them. Yes, these men have imagination and yes, we would all love to do what they do for a living. But everyone has imagination, especially hardcore gamers, and while these men do deserve some credit, they don't deserve the Hollywood themed ass kissing many of them seem to be gunning for. Keep your egos in check kids, and stay out of that spotlight. It's hot under there, and nerds burn easily. That's why we get our tans from TV and computer monitors. Now, get back in the damn hole!
