Hardcore Haven 08.25.06: Ten most hardcore gaming moments of all time #10 - #6
Posted by Joel Beggs on 08.25.2006
Are you hardcore enough to have done the deeds?
It's time for all of us in the Hardcore Haven to step back a little bit and remind ourselves just what being hardcore is. Now I know that you're all tough dudes, but some of you are invariably tougher than the rest (I'm toughest of all, don't forget that). So what I'm going to do for you all is list the TEN MOST HARDCORE GAMING MOMENTS OF ALL TIME, and you can all see how you measure up to this face-punching, crotch-stomping tour-de-forces that I'm about to unleash.
Of course we all know that putting all ten of these moments in the one place would cause an earth-shattering explosion, so we'll go 10 through 6 this week. Here we go!
#10 Super Mario Kart (SNES) – Special Cup 150cc
Super Mario Kart is a most beloved and cherished title, because it is just so darn easy to pick up and play. It's accessible and it's fun and it's just about the best darn SNES game you'll ever play. But fire up the final cup at the briskest speed and all that love will soon turn to pure, vitriolic loathing. You're struggling with every twist and every turn as they hurtle towards you at breakneck speeds, while all your computer opponents casually hop, skip and jump their way past you. Try defending your one point lead on the last lap of Rainbow Road. Try hitting those turns, making those jumps and avoiding those ferocious rocks as the sweat trickles down and stings your eyes. You know you're hardcore when you can barely keep your eyes open, the controller has cracked because you're gripping it so tight, and the cup is all yours.
#9 Guitar Hero (PS2) – Bark At The Moon (Hard/Expert)
This gaming moment is so hardcore it hurts. It really, truly physically hurts. Guitar Hero is the most fun you'll ever have on a PS2, but you won't be having fun when you've made your way to this doozy. Instead of rocking out like a hardcore dude does, you'll manically be trying to keep up with all the notes they throw at you. By the end of it your hand will be cramping, you won't have blinked for 4 minutes for fear of failing and you'll probably need a good long nap to recover. If you can get yourself a 5-star rating on this one…well…that's hardcore.
Holy hell! We're floating above the clouds in some kind of crazy convertible vehicle. There's, like, stuff everywhere and Mew is, like, flying around all over the place! All of the really awesome pictures you've been taking have just been a warm-up for this glorious event. You line up the lens, waiting for just the right moment…but wait! Mew appears to have some kind of protective shiny globe all around him, that's not good photography! Lucky you brought those trusty apples with you! Throw, THROW! The shield is gone, and you've just got to get that right angle for the super-perfect shot! Alright!
That's right, if you've come this far in the game, and sacrificed one of your Friday nights just so you could, you're a little bit TOO hardcore.
#7 Unreal Tournament (PC) – The Final Battle
This here final battle is but one piece in a massive hardcore jigsaw puzzle. Unreal Tournament is a hard-fighting, hard-farting phenomenon, and the climactic battle is possibly the best example of this. If it's not enough that the weapons on hand involve lethal, corrosive sludge; a handheld cannon primed to blow a chunk of hot metal into someone's face; a space-age laser capable of emitting destructive, widespread explosions and a razor-sharp, projectile flinging head chopping rifle then I don't know how to satisfy you.
This particular battle is primarily set in the confines of a space station. If having all those deliciously hardcore weapons to play around with really isn't enough, try on the tenseness of being stalked through seemingly never ending corridors, or the visceral exhilaration of a low gravity, ship top shootout. This final confrontation is a hardcore cherry on the most hardcore cake you've ever sank your teeth in to.
#6 Battletoads (NES) – Turbo Tunnel
This level! The one that single-handedly turned millions upon billions of soft-core gamers away from one of the most hardcore games of all time. It's hard, it's life-consuming and - best of all – it's only level three. The first two are pretty standard fare: walk across a screen, hitting pigs with sticks and scroll down a screen, hitting crows with sticks. These levels are simple enough to navigate through, but come level three you're hurtling down a big-ass tunnel on some kind of crazy, quasi-jet ski kind of contraption. These vehicles can only run on land, and there are gaps everywhere, so you can expect a whole lot of jumping around all over the place. And who could forget the inexplicable amount of brick walls dotted slalom style all over the damn place. Forget finishing the game, if you can get through the third level of Battletoads relatively unscathed, you're hardcore enough for me.
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Hopefully you're all getting an idea of what it takes to be hardcore. Next week we find out the five moments in gaming most likely to make your testicles drop prematurely. We're going all the way to number one baby!
