Hardcore Haven 09.01.06: Ten Most Hardcore Gaming Moments of All Time #5 - #1
Posted by Joel Beggs on 09.01.2006
The five moments in gaming history that define what it is to be "hardcore."
The Hardcore Haven's motor is running, and we're driving this baby all the way to number one. We're counting down the ten most hardcore moments in gaming history, the ten moments that best showcase just what it means to be hardcore. Last week we went from 10 to 6, and those five special games taught us the following…
- Super Mario Kart taught us that if you can live entirely on a diet of bananas and strange-looking mushrooms, and still manage to outrace seven wily opponents then you are hardcore.
- Guitar Hero taught us that if you're willing to play a flimsy, plastic guitar to the point where your hands start to bleed then you are hardcore.
- Pokemon Snap taught us that if you're willing to devote any part of your time to photographing mindless, inane critters at the expense of doing something better, then you are pretty darn hardcore.
- Unreal Tournament taught us that if you've got an inclination to fill some punk's face up with a steaming hot glass of molten shrapnel, then more likely than not you're going to be hardcore.
- Battletoads taught us that the ability to navigate a toad through an obstacle course on a rocket-powered jet ski is one worthy of being deemed hardcore,
And now it is time. For those of you wearing glasses, be sure to take them off before reading on, for your lenses will surely shatter in the face of such awe-inspiring hardcoreness.
#5 Ninja Gaiden (XBOX)
Ninja Gaiden is the bane of most XBOX players' existences. These gamers, force-fed a selection of kiddie-friendly shooting games, simply couldn't handle the hardcore energy that Ninja Gaiden exuded. It's easy to understand their predicament – when you've spent countless hours doing nothing more than pointing a crosshair at things, being confronted with a game that actually requires skill and coordination can be quite humbling. To sum things up, here's a Ninja Gaiden poem.
While XBOX gamers cried a little
And Ryu Hayabusa died a little
Nothing happened because it was 7 O'clock and it was time for all the XBOX gamers to go to bed
#4 Super Smash Bros. Melee (GC)
It's not so much the in-game action of this one that makes it hardcore. This one has been hoisted up to hardcore status by the slobbering masses that still devour every aspect of the game, years down the track. Look up the definition of devotion in this dictionary I made this one time, and you'll see a picture of a dimly lit room. Within this dimly let room is a solitary figure, eyes no more than three inches from the flickering screen in front of him. This figure is hard at work, studying the intricate fighting styles of Mario and Pikachu, analysing their every moves. This studious figure will take note of the speed, strength, angle and FRAME-COUNT of each individual move. A definitive list will then emerge, ascending as if from on high, and the whole world will know which Nintendo character is a slightly more competent warrior than the other.
Let's face it. The people who take part in such depraved discussions are just a little bit more hardcore than you. Perhaps it's best if we leave it that way.
#3 Diablo II (PC) – Hardcore Mode
The name says it all. When you're playing the hardcore mode of Diablo II, you're constantly wracked with fear. For the uninitiated, Diablo II is an involving hack-n-slash adventure game that has your hero murdering thousands upon thousands of hell's minions. The beauty of hardcore mode is that while you're killing the hordes of minions and the mighty bosses that populate each of the game's five acts, you've got the gloomy possibility of death hanging over your head.
Spend hours customising all the facets of your character. Choose the best armour, find the best weapons, make your way up the skill trees and turn your hero into an automated killing machine. Go to all this trouble, but if you're a split second too late with one of those potions then that character is dead forever, all that hard work rendered null and void. That, my friends, is the very definition of hardcore.
#2 River City Ransom (NES) – The Whole Damn Game
If you haven't been punched in the face by the juggernaut known as River City Ransom, then you just haven't been punched in the face at all. River City Ransom is a hardcore experience, from start to finish. You play the role of Alex, benevolent fighter from the local high school. The game starts with the sobering news that your best friend's girlfriend has been taken hostage by your rival school, and they've got their gangs of toughs keeping the city under lock and key.
This is the launching pad for hour upon hour of nerd-bashing, stick-swinging fun. It's a long way across town, and River City High's assorted fraternities are going to swamp you every step of the way. The combat is wild. Each street is decked out with steel poles, brass knuckles, trash cans and more assorted junk for you to wreak havoc with. No weapon in sight? Grab the prostate body of a vanquished foe and use him to beat the hell out of anyone else crazy enough to cross you. If this wasn't enough, there are shopping malls dotted around town that give you the chance to BUY SOME BOOKS and TAKE A HOT NAKED SAUNA.
And the final nail in this badass coffin?
The bad guys say "BARF" when you kill them. What could possibly be more hardcore than that?
#1 Final Fantasy VII (PSX) – Aeris' Death
Aeris was a nice girl. Kept to herself, sold the odd flower, but didn't interfere in anyone's business. Then a spiky-haired rogue came along, and Aeris' fate was sealed.
Final Fantasy VII is a game that inspires more fanaticism in its players than almost any other. Talking trash about it in the company of two or more gamers will ensure you a good half hour of high pitched whining from at least one of them. This particular scene, in which the blossoming love of Aeris and Cloud is stifled by evil Sephiroth's sword, is the most defining moment this game has. It's an emotional powerhouse, taking millions upon millions of manly, hardcore gamers – most of which scarcely believing that true love can really exist for quiet unassuming types – and ripping their hearts from their pasty, white chests.
A precious flower cut down before her time.
A tortured loner, slightly more tortured and alone than he was before.
An army of broken hearted gamers, sobbing Dorito-flavoured tears into their bibs.
This is your ultimate hardcore moment. This picture here is hardcoreness in its purest form.
Until you have felt these waves of emotion coursing through your body and erupting in a spontaneous burst of sadness, you can not and will not be considered HARDCORE.
