Angry Gaming 09.11.06: How The Hell Did They Miss That? Round 2 – So You Wanna Be Rockstar

Posted by Damian Sarcuni on 09.11.2006

It would be funny if it wasn’t so pathetic.

Welcome to Angry Gaming, your weekly alternative to hacking off the legs of game developers with a chainsaw. I'm your hate master Damian Sarcuni and it's time to SLAP DEM BITCHES. Move out warriors!

How The Hell Did They Miss That? Round 2 – So You Wanna Be Rockstar

For those of you who don't remember how this works, How The Hell Did They Miss That is a game we at Angry Gaming play once every month or so. The idea is to take a single game developer, look through their history, and come up with obvious money making games that were never made. Then we think up insults and curse a lot. It's like the reception for an Irish wedding but with video games. Last time, we took out Blizzard, now its time to look at the company that can't create a decent game without shock value and controversy as a crutch. That's right: its Rockstar games.



Why is it that every time Rockstar games decides to release a new title, my television gets littered full of news reports and political debates about video game violence? I am absolutely sick of hearing about Jack Thompson and the upcoming release of the game Bully, which is Rockstar's latest plea for attention from the gaming public. I'm not a parent and I'm long since out of high school, so quite frankly I don't care what ideas kids get in their heads from playing this game. What can the game possibly teach them that afternoon recess hasn't already? That beating the snot out of people smaller than you is ok because 9 times out of 10 you'll get away with it? That's TRUE damn it! Rockstar is doing our parenting for us by breaking the hard lessons of life to kids in a nice virtual environment. God forbid I do spawn; I'm not going to tell my kids where babies come from, what happens when we die, or how to handle problems at school. I'm just going to give them a copy of GTA: San Andreas and let them figure it out themselves. Thank you Rockstar!

However, this doesn't excuse Rockstar from missing out on creating some of the most in-demand titles from nearly all of their franchises. Anyone who ever rode to school on the little bus can tell you how badly gamers wanted to see Rockstar make the following games, but yet top execs over at gaming's bad boy design company just couldn't quite figure it out. Thus, Rockstar faces the firing squad this week in our 2nd edition of How The Hell Did They Miss That?


Grand Theft Auto Online



Question of the day: What exactly was the purpose of the turf wars in GTA: San Andreas? Was it really such a major, pivotal plot point that C.J. and the Grove Street crew gain total dominance over the other local gangs before launching a final assault on their enemies? Why did the turf wars start and abruptly end midway through the game, only to start again near the ending? Come to think of it, why did C.J. himself come with so many attributes to level up that weren't really necessary? Were these fresh new features designed to bring a unique gameplay experience? Where have I seen this before?



Ah yes, there it is.

Anyone who played Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was subject to one of the most obvious marketing surveys I have ever seen in my whole life. Basically, GTA: San Andreas was Grand Theft Auto Online, single player mode. With game modes ripped directly from multiplayer hits such as MechAssault 2 and World of Warcraft, Rockstar used gamers as the ultimate test audience. Sure, we all love Grand Theft Auto, and Rockstar knew that already. The real question was: would we be willing to pay a monthly fee to play it online?

The answer is, of course, a resounding yes. Gamers have cried for an online version of everyone's favorite crime series since GTA III, if not before then. It's an easy recipe for success. Join a gang, level your hoodlum, drive around a giant city stealing cars and making money with your friends. On occasion, take up a mission from the local NPC, er... "Crime boss", go out and steal a bunch of car stereos, bring them back, level up. It doesn't sound much different from any MMO I've ever played or GTA for that matter. The two genres go hand in hand, and when they do come together fans will eat it up like jerk chicken at a West Indies barbecue. OOH CHILD!!

So why hasn't Rockstar made the game yet? Well, I'm actually going to go out on a limb this time and say it's probably in the works, or at least in the planning stages. I doubt any game testers who played San Andreas saw the turf wars and said, "To hell with my friends, let's keep using these retarded computer controlled characters as backup!" What surprises me is that no one has tried to pre-empt Rockstar and make a bootleg version of the game before they do. Rockstar can't possibly be deaf, dumb and blind to something this obvious. If they are, so help me I'll go down to their studio and dunk all their heads in the office toilet stalls.

UH OH!!! VIOLENT REFERENCE!! Eh? EH?! CLEARLY PLAYING ROCKSTAR GAMES HAS MADE ME A MORE VIOLENT PERSON!! LAWSUIT ALERT!! LAWSUIT ALERT!!

…Good god where did that come from?


The Godfather / Mafia



Here's a first. Not only did Rockstar miss out on these obvious titles, but other companies picked up on them before Rockstar could figure it out themselves. When Grand Theft Auto III was released, it was littered with references to the movie Scarface and many situations throughout the game paralleled with other famous crime movies. From this, many gamers began to wonder, what would happen if Rockstar stopped making simple movie references and just made an outright attempt to recapture the crime world of the early 20th century? Electronic Arts and Illusion Software were wondering the exact same thing, and they found the answer for themselves.

Now, don't get me wrong. Mafia and The Godfather are both GREAT games. Mafia has one of the most compelling storylines I've ever seen and The Godfather recreates classic movie magic from an all new perspective. These games are amazing, but at the end of the day they are still clones; copies of a genre that Rockstar had already long since mastered. These games were really meant for Rockstar to make, but the fools completely ignored the idea and all the various little quirky possibilities that made both games so successful. Who would have thought that crappy car control and classic jazz tracks could make such a great game atmosphere? Rockstar certainly didn't.

Had Rockstar been the one to make either of these games, I think they would have been completely different. As realistic as Mafia was, it lacked the playability and freedom of its predecessors in the crime game genre. The Godfather relied on movie moments just a tad too much, and events in between the movie based missions quickly became stale and repetitive. If Rockstar had done either game, they would not suffer from these flaws. Rockstar's best selling point is that it furthers its storylines by placing characters in fun and appealing situations (IE blowing up an ice cream truck to take out a local gang). It's the one element both of these games sorely needed, and because Rockstar passed it up, we missed out on the fun and they missed out on the profits.


A Normal Game



That's right you game making, desensitized, instigating little shits. I'm calling you out! Rockstar is absolutely incapable of making a nice, normal game (as proved by Earthworm Jim 3D and Big Strike Bowling) that is not surrounded by controversy. There is nothing more disgusting than a writer who has only mastered one subject matter and Rockstar fits that bill perfectly. Rockstar designers lack the imagination and talent to make anything other than blood ridden crime infested games, and quite frankly it's getting old.

Listen, I am a hardcore advocate when it comes to free speech and freedom of expression. I love sex and violence just as much as anyone who ever picked up a controller. Rockstar, however, doesn't just cross the line; they repeatedly back flip over and urinate on it. It's kind of obvious that Rockstar has a greater interest in keeping themselves in the press than actually making good games. They barely even upgraded original play engine between Grand Theft Auto III and San Andreas. They certainly jam packed in plenty of more taboos and crime though.

Games aren't always meant to be bad ass. That's why Mario and the Pokemon are still outselling all their competitors even to this day. Just once it would be nice if Rockstar didn't try to draw attention to themselves that makes anyone over the age of 35 shake their heads in shame. Jack Thompson is a misguided fool, but the more Rockstar pushes the controversy envelope, the more ammunition they are giving him. Thompson claims that Rockstar pushed back the upcoming release of Bully to remove elements that Thompson had planned to go to court over. I believe him 100%. With repeated banning in various countries and no sign of slowing down, Rockstar has completely forgotten that controversial elements only work in small doses. At this rate it's only a matter of time before they lose touch with decent story telling, and mark my words, Rockstar will tank.


Duke Nukem Forever



This one surprised even me. Like most gamers, I had heard about the Duke Nukem Forever project and its infamy in getting delayed so many times. Imagine my surprise, though, when I heard that it was originally Rockstar Games who was in charge of the game's design!

For three paragraphs, I have gone on about how much Rockstar harps on sex and violence. Well, that's what Duke Nukem Forever is pretty much all about, no? What exactly was so hard about this project that it couldn't come together? I could call up 20 Half Life 2 and Dungeon Siege mod makers right now and have Duke Nukem Forever produced in two months. Why can't Rockstar do the same thing? Is there an argument in the Rockstar offices over just how many strippers should appear in the first strip club in stage 3? I doubt it.

It just goes to show you that even the bad boys of video gaming can get caught up in red tape. For all their rebellion, when the time came to make a game that was right in their niche, Rockstar didn't measure up. It would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic. Eh, hell I'll laugh anyway.


The Anger

Somebody give me a reason why I should buy Bully. I went through 3 years of catholic school, and I've played plenty of Manhunt so I doubt the game can throw anything at me that I haven't seen already. If I wanted to ground and pound little kids, I'd head down to the local Tiger Schulman's and let fly. Rockstar is getting cheap as time goes on and they would rather spend more time complaining about how their games should be taken seriously instead of actually improving them. Get ready for those sales figures to start declining boys; you'll learn the lesson just like the PSP did. As always, if any of you think of anymore embarrassing Rockstar missed opportunities, drop me an email. Until next time my little Grove Street posse, embrace the hatred.