The Digital Pulse 09.11.06
Posted by Joshua Richey on 09.11.2006
Because nothing in life is better than making fun of other people!
What's up nincompoops?
You know, of all the words in the English language that I take such great pleasure in butchering - nincompoop may perhaps be my favorite. I'm still a fan of the words ‘statutory', ‘discombobulate', and ‘do'; but none of those bring a smile to my face like the word nincompoop does.
Anyways, welcome back to another edition of The Digital Pulse; or should I be welcoming myself back? I'm not sure. It's been just over 2 weeks since my last column; and things within that time frame have been shitty for me to say the least. For starters, my computer has been a casualty of a severe case of Mal-Ware. It wasn't pretty. For those of you that are unfamiliar with Mal-Ware, allow me to throw out this analogy of what it is like.
We've all got drunk at a New Year's Eve party and made out with a ‘husky' girl haven't we? I mean c'mon, who hasn't? At the risk of offending ‘husky' girls everywhere, I'll be a bit more sensitive and use the word ‘fat girl' instead from this point forward. When you are underneath that drunken blanket that you call your consciousness – you can no longer decipher right from wrong. Sure go ahead and make out with the ‘fat chick', it can't be all that bad, can it? Then you sober up and your friends take great pleasure in detailing you in on how you made out with the ‘fat chick', so you of course begin to freak out and swiftly go into damage control mode so that you could forget that such an incident took place. You would like nothing more than for things to go back to like they were before, but sadly ‘fat girl' thinks that you genuinely like her now.
She'll send you text massages that ask ‘Wat's Up?' Not replying to one of the ignorant texts will only result in more text massages. Oh, and lord forbid you try to get on AIM. There is a very slim second in between the time that your AIM signs on, and from when she messages you: ‘Hey!' You've tried to be nice to ‘fat girl', as you're friends with some of her much ‘cuter' acquaintances. You don't want to ruin your shot with them, by being an 'asshole' to 'fat girl'.
But all of that becomes a mute point on the night that ‘fat girl' finally makes one last ditch effort to ‘woo' you, and flash's you her underdeveloped-baboon-bologna-titties. Just recalling the moment instantly trigger's your gag reflex. Colors never appear to be as bright, food never tastes as good, and death no longer appears to be as horrendous.
That ladies and gentlemen, is Mal-Ware.
The other thing that is currently taking away from my ‘411Mania' time is school. Kids, fuck what your elders tell you, school is irrelevant and destructive to your well being. They're only trying to get you to go for their own greedy reasons. Oh yeah, go to college so that you can get a ‘better job'. Bullshit, you mean go to college so that you can get a ‘better paying job, so that I can move in with you after I've lost control of my bladder'. Go against the system I say. Let's all quit school and go on a hunt for the Sting Ray that killed Steve Irwin.
If you couldn't tell, school isn't going all that well for me this semester. I learned a very valuable lesson though, and that is to never take 21 credits hours. I'm as tired as Rosie O'Donnell cleaning the carpets. Eeeh, gag reflex.
You may be asking yourself: ‘Why is this guy rambling so much?' And the reason for that is because I've been gone for two weeks, and haven't been keeping up to date on Gaming News. Sure, I could do what a professional would do and go and do some quick research; but I am ‘le tired.'
So here is what I'm going to do for this week's edition of TDP: I'm going to quickly go around to a few ‘respected' gaming sites, and read their headlines. I'm not going to read the actual news story, as I don't really have that kind of motivation stashed away in my repertoire. In doing so, I am going to prove that all journalists, not just gaming ones, reveal way to much information in their headlines, which as a result makes it pointless to read the actual story anyway.
Weekly News
[Real Headlines from 1UP.com]
1UP.com is notorious for their ‘retaded' headlines. They don't really tease you, they just kind of lay it all out there. Which is good if you're writing a weekly news report like me, but I believe that their in the business of clicking these headlines in order to get more information. Allow me to show you...
Devil May Cry 4 Website Opens
Could a website for Devil May Cry 4 have opened up? I don't know, perhaps I should read the attached article just to make a confirmation.
Rainbow Six: Vegas Coming to PSP, Too
Again, I'm no Charles Darwin, but even I think that perhaps Rainbow Six: Vegas my be coming out for the PSP. It might even be coming on the PSP, ‘too'.
Report: Bungie Working on Something New
O RLY? A multi-million dollar developer has learned about the wonders of multi-tasking projects? That's crazyness!
Gears of War in a Tin Box
I swear, I'm not even making this shit up.
Uwe Boll Beats the Crap out of Journalist
I'm not ridiculing this title. Actually, I am ashamed that I never got to use that headline earlier. It truly is genius. I sort of know the back story to all of this, that Uwe Boll offered his critics to fight him in a boxing match, for his upcoming ‘Postal' movie. But for now, I don't want to think of all that. I just want to sit back and enjoy those words in sequence. Uwe Boll Beats the Crap out of Journalist. That's special stuff, folks.
It's appropriate that Uwe Boll is making a Postal movie. He's made it his trademark to take great video games, and turn them into shitty movies. But with Postal, he's taking a shitty game, and making it into a shitty movie. It's a start.
Hey EA, About that Madden Patch?
Oh, have you heard? The new Madden is terrible. What? You hadn't heard this? Well Joshua Richey reviewed it. You should read it. That guy's semen tastes like Cherry Garcia ice cream, so he has to be great, right?
[NOTE: Joshua Richey himself would not know what his semen tastes like… just going by what other sources have told him…. Moving on…]
[Real Headlines from Gamespot.com]
Gamespot isn't as bad as 1UP is at headlines. They're simply ‘less bad'. Just as herpes is ‘less bad' than gonorrhea. Gamespot attempts to use humor in their headlines, but based off their work, you would think that they currently employ the writers from Joey to make up their headlines. Oh, and they love their puns.
NHL 2K7 demo slapped on XBL
Get it? NHL is hockey. In hockey you slap a puck around. Get it? Think it was funny; didn't think so.
Schilling pitches game company
Curt Schilling plays baseball for the Boston Red Sox. Usually he pitches balls, but GameSpot thought it would be funny if he pitched ‘Game Company'. Which I'm pretty sure is impossible; but I don't do science.
Microsoft unveils core 360 PGR3, 99 Nights bundle...in Japan
I know, what a tease, right? I, like many of you, read this headline and immediately began to get excited mid-sentence. OMG! You mean Microsoft has unveiled a X Box 360 Bundle that includes Project Gotham Racing 3, and 99 Nights? No way! I'm so happy; I guess I don't have to cut myself tonight after all! ‘In Japan', oh you tricky Gamespot, I'm going to have to watch you. Where's my razor?
Titanic producer on the collision of games, movies
The nerve! How dare they take a tragic event from history, and use it as the punch life of an illly conceived title. When Titanic lost the Academy Award for ‘Best Makeup' in 1997, I began to hit the bottle.
The (O.T)
Rant of the Week: Fuck Sony!
I tried, honestly I did. I tried being as non-biased as I could, but I cannot take it any longer. I hate Sony. I hate what they're doing with the PS3. I cannot wait for that moment in March or so, where Sony exec's look around at each other and in unison go: ‘uh-oh!' I've never seen a company handle an upcoming launch of anything, as poorly as Sony is handling the launch of the Playstation 3.
Yes, I'm biased and I'm a bit pissed off. The arrogance of Sony in the past months has been sickening. They dissect and ridicule every detail of Microsoft's 360 launch, but then proceed to treat their fans like they are retarded; as if they we're Nintendo fans or something.
The consensus attitude that I, and many within the industry, are getting from Sony these days is this ‘Argh, we're Sony. We can do whatever, and you will abide.' Mr. Sony Exec, do you really think consumers will but a $600.00 console? ‘Yes, because we are Sony LOLZ'. Mr. Sony Exec, your games don't look all that different than the 360's. ‘Argh, they's are not Sony.'
I cannot tell you why I associate Sony Executives with Pirates, as Pirates are definitely much cooler. But I suppose that there are a few similarities between the two.
Bottom-line: Fuck Sony. Fuck their $600.00 PS3. Go and put a down payment on a car. Go buy a 360 and Wii. Spend it on Filipino hookers, I don't care, just don't buy a PS3.
