Angry Gaming 11.27.06: Passing Out The Kool Aid
Posted by Damian Sarcuni on 11.27.2006
The next generation of gamers shall be made in our image.
Welcome to Angry Gaming where we don't cut in line to get our PS3's, we just hijack the planes they fly in on. I'm your hate master, Damian Sarcuni and I'm debating over which country my yearly hedonistic vacation will take me. At this point, Romania is in the lead. Forward, ho!
Passing Out The Kool Aid
When I was 3 years old, my father had an Atari 2600 hooked up to our TV set. While he was away at work, my mom was busy taking care of the house and didn't always have time to look after me. She saw that I was curious about the weird brown box attached to the TV anyway, so she grabbed a game cartridge, popped it in, and sat with me holding the joystick.
The game she had chosen was Circus Atari, which had a simple goal in mind. The idea was that two men would bounce up and down on a see-saw and you had to control the man flying in the air to make sure he landed safely. "See the man jump?" my mom would say as I looked on.
However, neither my mother nor I knew how to control the game. Pushing the button on the joystick started the first jump, but since we couldn't control the airborne man, he subsequently crashed into the floor, head first, bludgeoning himself violently while his legs wiggled in the air.
BONK…KCCCCCCH!!
It was the greatest thing I ever saw in my life.
To this day I don't know how to play Circus Atari and I don't want to know. The death sequence that plays out just by pushing the button is more than enough to keep me occupied for days. It's hilarious, and I owe those endless hours of enjoyment all to my mom (my father didn't want me touching his game). If she hadn't put me onto that one game, I wouldn't have the same knowledge or interest in games I do today and I doubt I'd be writing this article.
As we grow up, people often get on our cases about playing too many games or neglecting things like homework in order to play them. We all come from somewhere though, and very few people discover games by accident. Today, a whole new generation of gamers is just starting to discover the Xbox 360, Wii and PS3 just like I discovered the 2600 all those years ago. While I personally believe that Circus Atari is enough to convert anyone into a gamer…
BONK…KCCCCCCH!!
…the game isn't widely available enough for the more refined, quickly maturing kiddies of today. Today's games have whole new level of interactivity, storyline depth, and overall artistic quality that don't just kill time, but now fills it with a quality experience.
These games won't lure people in by themselves. I know because when I worked at an arcade I watched squad after squad of cheerleaders step up to a bright, loud, and flashy Pump It Up machine only to cower in fear, afraid their teammates would laugh as they screwed up (and they usually did). The same goes for guys with Mocap Boxing. The newbies won't be interested unless we show them how it's done and welcome them warmly into the fold. So with that mindset, I present to you the best games to bring in new players, ultimately helping the game industry to thrive.
BONK…KCCCCCCH!!
Music Games
Ok, let's get this out of the way. I love Dance Dance Revolution. I LOVE IT. Something as simple as touching arrows that scroll up a screen has helped me get in shape, improved my social life, got me on TV, got me laid, AND earned me a tidy sum of cash. In all my years of playing the game I learned so much about the psychology of gamers I can tell you a person's sexual preference just by which song they play. For those of you shaking your heads, yes the game has an incredible homosexual connotation to it, but I don't care because I'm good at it so go screw.
DDR set off a whole slew of music games as well. Guitar Hero, Para Para Paradise, BeatMania and Dance Maniax are all similar to DDR in that players have to time their button presses and movements with playing background music. Since there are plenty of music lovers out there, being able to play any of these games is this generation's equivalent of knowing how to break dance. Not only does it attract a crowd, but inevitably onlookers will come up asking for lessons or pointers on how they too can gain your skills.
When schilling off a music game, its important to stress the music itself and pick one of the more popular overplayed songs to start with. Expert players will tell you they are probably sick of hearing those songs, but remember when dealing with newbies, those songs are popular for a reason. That worn out play list is audible cocaine for your young apprentice, and you will have to sacrifice for their gain.
Strategy guides can't really communicate a given rhythm or give proper instructions on body movement in a music game. This is where you, the expert, come in. It is your job to provide a full on physical example for your students to work off of. Yes, all those big time game companies should be paying you for doing this, but they won't. Just remember that your good deeds will keep you out of hell for a few years if you believe in that sort of thing.
Sports Games
While most of us can remember the great EA Sports revolution of the early 90's, when big buff sports fans would wander over to the TV just to check out the virtual stats on that season's Oilers in Madden, these days a bunch of numbers aren't the only thing that attracts the casual sports fan. Thanks to games like Virtua Striker and the brand new Wii Sports, fans don't just have to idly watch their team go for the championship gold on a screen anymore. Now they can get out there and live the dream themselves.
In Wii Sports' case, simplicity is key. In Ramon Aranda's review right here on 411, he describes the game as having a party like atmosphere that lures in new players rather than any hyped up graphics. It's the interactivity that brings the suckers in, not the game itself. This is a similar sell to the music game approach since there is more physical body movement involved. In this case, it's up to us not just to help these sports fans through the game, but also to show off all the cool features the game offers that make the virtual game so much closer to the real life sport.
Of course, EA isn't done yet either. Each year, Madden and other sports series add more and more features to their gameplay in addition to the updated rosters. So after your sports fan family member or friend is done going through the actual rosters and expressed his or her pleasure/disappointment, this is about the time you chime with the speech starting off with "Look what I can do in the instant replay!" or something similar.
Popular TV/Movie Games
We all had a good laugh here when Desperate Housewives was announced as an upcoming PC game, but when you think about it, it isn't that funny. Most decent licensed games will include voices and likenesses used in the original media they are based on. This means that onlookers might not care about how many hidden bonuses you unlocked in The Sopranos¸ but when they hear Big Pussy's vocal tracks coming out of a polygonal model they will certainly turn their heads.
TV and movie based games have the hardest sell because they are more of a novelty than anything else. Its fun to recreate scenes out of your favorite flick, but that fun can fade the same way as watching the movie too much will. It's even harder when game developers get lax on the game's features and there isn't so much to show off. In the end, choose carefully. Make sure you have a top notch game on your hands that goes well beyond its own license before you hand off your controller to someone who's never played video games before.
Another important point is to look for "hidden" licenses. Run Like Hell wasn't very good but had an easy sell due to its similarity to the movie Aliens, a cast including Lance Hendriksen, and it's cross promotion with Bawls guarana beverages. Ah, sweet caffeinated goodness.
Flash/Puzzle Games
The legacy that Tetris started continues today. My sister won't touch most games to save her life, but she's always up for a head to head round of Dr. Mario at any time. Puzzle games lead to cute, short flash and online games such as Bejeweled and Cake Mania. If someone starts playing those games, it's only a matter of time before they come upon an online flash RPG like Adventure Quest, and then you've got them hooked in the worst way.
Flash games are generally time wasters that hearken back to the old Atari days, and one thing that older players can get into is classic gaming. To them, its innocent and easy, nothing flashy or hard to think about. The trick here is to introduce one new feature at a time until you have your newbie turned into a pro without them even thinking about it. Starting with Tetris, you can move onto Acid Tetris and eventually Tetrinet. Anyone who can play Tetrinet can surely handle Puzzle Pirates, which has RPG elements as well. I keep getting this devious smile every time I type the letters RPG, because we all know where a false sense of accomplishment goes from there. Once your newbie is on the RPG level, your work is pretty much done.
The Anger
Thus, we have over the course of the past few weeks, saved the future of the gaming industry. Not only can we keep the gaming world alive should the big corporate developers ever fail us, but we can bring new consumers to them as their fat cat lazy asses are too useless to do it themselves. I like to think we've tossed in a few gift giving ideas now that we're in the holiday season as well.
Alright, I am done here. No more Mr. nice guy. The whole reason anyone from the hate club would want to save the video game industry is so that we would have something to make fun of in the future anyway. Next week its back to business as usual, and I promise the anger is back in a big way. Until then, in order to get ready, embrace the hatred.
