Xbox-A-Gogo 12.16.06
Posted by Joshua Richey on 12.16.2006
ZOMG...Xbox-A-Gogo is here! Screw Sony and Nintendo's inferior consoles. With Xbox-A-Gogo, it's all about the 360! In William Gates' name... amen.
(Yes, the logo sucks... I'm working on that)
With Sony and Nintendo getting their very own News Reports here at 411Mania (Nintendophiles and Sixaxis), it was only a matter of time before we Xbox users joined the party. There is still no word yet on if we're going to have a News Report dedicated to just covering the Phantom, but one can only hope. BTW: Doesn't 'Sixaxis' sound like something that you would get as a result of sexing up a Filipino hooker? I say it does.
Nintendo had their time. During the 90's Nintendo ruled over Sega to become the console of choice. Sony had themselves a nice little run at the top for the past couple of years... but that ends now. It's Microsoft's turn to rule, and they're gonna rule with an iron fist. So hop on board now or suffer the humiliation of being a band-wagoner later on.
In documenting the Xbox's rise to the top, I present to you Xbox-A-Gogo. The days of fair and balanced news coverage have come and gone. No longer will I have to pretend to care about Sony and Nintendo's business doings. They can join the 3DO and Jaguar in hell for all that I'm concerned. With Xbox-A-Gogo, I'm going to force feed my very biased opinions down your throat all in the name of our savior, Lord William Gates. You'll thank me later.
Halo 3 Beta Information Released The Halo 3 buzz is in full effect. Microsoft in unison with Bungie have announced their plans to allow Xbox users to get their hands on a Halo 3 beta beginning in the spring of 2007. Don't worry, that's a lot closer than you think.
In order to qualify to participate in the beta frenzy, Xbox users will have to register for it at the official Halo 3 website. I've already signed up... have you?
Beginning Monday, Dec. 4, by visiting http://www.halo3.com, gamers in North America will be able to register for the opportunity to be one of the select members to join the unprecedented "Halo 3" public beta program, scheduled to kick off in spring 2007. Today's announcement confirms the first path of entry for gamers to participate in the beta program and be among the first to experience the most anticipated game of 2007.
The Xbox Live multiplayer public beta, which is a pre-release version of the multiplayer experience of "Halo 3," is scheduled for availability in spring 2007 exclusively on Xbox 360. This beta also represents an opportunity for gamers to participate in the development of "Halo 3." Through the resulting feedback, Bungie Studios will be able to further refine and hone the end result of "Halo 3."
Bring It On, Jobs In an interview with GamesIndustry.biz, Jesse Tortora, a Prudential analyst, stated that he believes that it's 'a distinct possibility' that Apple could join the current console wars.
"We think the videogame market represents a distinct possibility for Apple, especially considering that it recently announced the availability of videogames for its iPod through its iTunes store. The game console device could be morphed out of some combination of the MacMini and iTV, while the handheld player could be developed as an enhancement for a future version of the widescreen iPod," explained the analyst."
Man, I hope that someday I've gotten to the point where all I have to do is predict things to happen, and the media will run with it as if it were scientific fact. I think that it would be a big mistake by Apple for them to join the 'console wars'. As of right now, it's a 3 dog fight. Nearly every gamer has chosen their side and have invested small fortunes into their consoles. It would be a big mistake by Apple to pursue this... which they likely won't. This report was basically just inspired by some guy who 'predicted' that it would happen.
Vin Diesel Off of Hitman Movie That sound that you hear... that's the sound of Hitman fans everywhere breathing a sigh or relief. I don't know of any simpler way of putting this, but Vin Diesel being cast as Agent 47 prevented the Hitman movie from being.... how do I say this... good. The only thing worse than having Vin Diesel in this movie would probably have been having Uwe Boll direct it. [shudders]
But we won't have to worry about any of those things now, Vin is out and Timothy Olyphant is in. In addition to having a name that looks very similar to the word 'elephant', Timothy has also starred in HBO's Deadwood series, in which he plays a complete bad ass. He can also be seen as the dastardly porn producer, Kelly, in 2004's The Girl Next Door. Oddly enough, Timothy also starred as Hollywood Jack in 2003's A Man Apart, where he was a participate in a drug ring that was being tracked down by... who else... Vin Diesel.
PS4 In 2010... Wait, PS4?
Alright, so you just launched your latest console that had a ridiculous price tag and an even more ridiculous launch plan. Now, even your most die-hard supporters are questioning your immediate future, and business leaders are calling you out for the 'worst launch of all-time'. How are you going to save face? Why you start talking about the PS4, of course... yeah, that'll do it. Why not just come out and say 'hey, we're already thinking of new ways to screw up our next launch', or 'hey, we're already working on ways to render that $600 box that you just bought completely useless'.
Gran Turismo HD Gets Cancelled
You remember how Gran Turismo HD was supposed to be this 'killer ap.' for the PS3? Yeah, well its been canceled... Not only has it been cancelled, but it's becoming a free download for PS3 owners. Yeah, so much for 'killer app.'. Have fun with that Gran Turismo demo, Sony fan. You're going to need something to hold you over while you wait for MGS4... In the meanwhile, we 360 owners will be playing Gears of War, Dead Rising, and Lost Planet, suckers.
Time Warner CEO Disses Blu-Ray
At an investor conference earlier this week, Richard Parsons, CEO of Time Warner INC, addressed the future of the 'format wars'. Parsons (who I prefer to refer to as Dick) said that the ensuing format battles between Blu-Ray and HD-DVD were bad for both businesses and consumers. He said that the competition between the two has been "confusing to consumers, and that major companies couldn't fully back a single format, which would drive costs down." Lord forbid that, right?
Don't get Dick wrong... Dick doesn't really give a shit about most studios, (Wait, did I just use the words 'dick' and 'shit' in the same sentence without reviewing the new Dustin Diamond Sex Tape? Cool.) but since Warner Bros. is being forced to release movies in both formats, he has got an invested interest.
Dick also used the platform of the investors conference to take a shot at the PS3 and their support for Blu-Ray. Basically he went on to say that he doesn't expect the PS3 to have any impact or to potentially sway consumers from one format to the other. Just that people that buy a PS3 are likely to buy it for gaming purposes, and not for movie purposes.
Way to state the obvious, Dick.
New York Times Completely Pwns Sony
You probably didn't get the opportunity to read the New York Times' dissing of the PS3, if that's the case. don't worry about it. I got you covered.
By now, you have probably heard about folks who camped out for days to buy the PS3. You have heard about some of those people getting mugged while shivering in line a few weeks ago. You have heard about the four-figure prices the console has been fetching on eBay. And you may have heard, quite correctly, that it will be all but impossible for many consumers to buy one at retail for the rest of the year.
No problem. In fact, if you are anything other than a complete Sony fanboy (that's Internet lingo for an obsessed, myopic groupie) go ahead and forget about the PlayStation 3 this year. Even if you find one, the overhyped PS3 does not deliver an entertainment experience commensurate with its cost ($599 for the top version, not including special cables to connect to a high-definition TV), and falls short of its main competition in important ways.
- I'm probably going to sound like a complete hypocrite for saying this, but most of this article (this very same Pro-Microsoft article that you're reading right now) has been typed on an iMac. Hey, I know... I know... but I couldn't help it. I finished my first exam at 10:30 this morning and I didn't have anything to do until 3:00... so I figured I'd write a little bit. It just so happens that the only available computer was this iMac. Don't you judge me.
- I also have got to pee so bad that I feel that something is about to rupture. I could get up and go use the bathroom, but 'nah', I don't think so. If I were to get up now, than I would even lose this shitty Mac to someone.
- You know those Microsoft purchasing Capcom rumors? Well they just won't end. You'd think that if there were nothing to those rumors, that the talk would have died down a little bit by now. But it hasn't. You know what they say: Where there's smoke... there's fire.
- The Office has got to be the best show on television today. I love the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and South Park, but 9 episodes into The Office: Season 3 and I just cannot stop laughing.
- I can't wait to see the reaction to people that bought a Wii once the entire Wii-mote gimmick gets old.
- The term 'you big pussy' got such a literal new meaning last week after pictures of Britney Spears cooter were taken and spread across the Internetz.
- I played some Resistance: Fall of Man this last week, and I'm not just saying this as a Xbox supporter, but it was pretty weak... especially when you compare it to Gears of War.
- A woman approached me this last weekend while I was at Gamestop. Unlike most women, this woman wasn't interested in providing me with sexual favors. No, she asked me a question: 'Is there a difference between the Xbox and an Xbox 360?'... unsure on how to react, and irritated from standing in lines all day, I looked at her awkwardly for 10 seconds and in my most smartass way, said: 'ummm..yeah'. And walked away.
- I did something so 'dick' last night that in some subcultures, it might have been considered epic. Last night I log on to my Myspace and begin to cypher through all of the sex-bots that added me as a friend. I got a message from one person who didn't appear eager for me to see her web-cam. Her name was Erica, and she was quite unattractive. This is what her message said:
Hi there! Do you remember me? We went to Scott High School together
Because I like making fat girls cry, I responded to her with this:
no
- At some point within the next week, I'll have a review for the Burger King games up on here. Want a quick preview? THEY SUCK!
- In the time since I started this Ran(dumb)ness, I did finally get up to go pee. Man, it was a good one too. It was one of those pees that seems to last for 4 minutes... yeah, those are my favorites.
This is the 'big' commercial that aired on Monday Night Football the week before last. Don't get me wrong, I'm geeked for Halo 3. Hell, just the thought of playing Halo 3 is enough to make me want to masturbate right here smack dab in the middle of NKU's library... but this commercial just isn't doing it for me. It doesn't serve any real purpose. After the Halo Wars trailer, my expectations were a little high and this commercial just completely underwhelmed me. Don't worry, though. Next week = Lost Planet videos!!!
Being that Brooke is pregnant with my child and all, I figured it would only be right that I throw her a bone (again) and give her the honor of being Xbox-A-Gogo's first Babe of the Week. Pregnant or not, I would do very bad things to this woman. Together, both she and I would spend long romantic evenings re-enacting scenes from Jumanji.
- Do you need more Xbox-A-Gogo? Would you like to keep up with Xbox-A-Gogo throughout the week? Well now you can! Introducing OMGodzilla, my blog that will be updated at least on a day to day basis, and is there to keep you company within those long stretches of No-Gogo.
- Poor Theo and Andrew... while I'm getting to cover the Xbox and all of its awesomeness, they're forced to cover the lesser consoles. Theo was denied a Wii this last week (which doesn't sound very good), you can read about that in his latest edition of the Nintendophiles. And in this weeks edition of the Sixaxis, Andrew discusses Assassin's Creed, which is a PS3 exclusive. Oh wait, that's right, its not a PS3 exclusive anymore! It's coming to the 360... oh god it must suck to be a Sony fanboy these days.
- Ramon Aranda reviewed Excite Truck for the Nintendo Wii. I played a little bit of it about 2 weeks ago, I wasn't very impressed.
- Damian Sarcuni is one angry son of a bitch, but he can write. In this weeks edition of Angry Gaming, Damian talks about how society has changed what it is looking for in heroes. Really good piece done by Damian.
- Jordan Williams dedicates his latest Working Title to talking about Super Smash Brothers. Super Smash Brothers isn't for the 360, so in God's eyes(aka Bill Gates' eyes) it is teh suck.
- Steve McHugh did a retro review of a game called Zombie Zevenge. I've never heard of the game, but not even Steve saying it's 'one of the worst Dreamcast games that I have ever played' is going to prevent me from tracking it down. That name is so bad that it's brilliant.
- Traditionally, we're not encouraged to link to other 'zones'. I'm not really sure why, but today I'm goint to make an exception. At first, I wasn't the biggest fan of Scotty Flamingo's: Bullseye columns. But he's been on fire for the last few weeks (not literally). In his article about Smallville, he really pointed out alot of the problems that people (like me) have with the TV show. And then this week, he just absolutely runs down Buffy They Vampire Slayer, which is both brilliant, and very much needed.
Just in case I haven't stressed it enough, check out OMGodzilla. You'll be a better person for having done it.
In closing...
So there we have it. The very first edition of Xbox-A-Gogo has come and gone. If you're feeling a bit disappointed that it's already over, don't fret it, it's completely normal. You can check out OMGodzilla through out the week for more of my lame-ass humor, or simply wait until next weekend.
The Halo 3 buzz is in full effect. Microsoft in unison with Bungie have announced their plans to allow Xbox users to get their hands on a Halo 3 beta beginning in the spring of 2007. Don't worry, that's a lot closer than you think. 
In an interview with GamesIndustry.biz, Jesse Tortora, a Prudential analyst, stated that he believes that it's 'a distinct possibility' that Apple could join the current console wars. 
That sound that you hear... that's the sound of Hitman fans everywhere breathing a sigh or relief. I don't know of any simpler way of putting this, but Vin Diesel being cast as Agent 47 prevented the Hitman movie from being.... how do I say this... good. The only thing worse than having Vin Diesel in this movie would probably have been having Uwe Boll direct it. [shudders]
