Xbox-A-Gogo 12.23.06
Posted by Joshua Richey on 12.23.2006
A Must-Read Edition of Xbox-A-Gogo!... Wait, every edition of Xbox-A-Gogo is must read. This week we find use for those lonely PS3 owners, we take some more shots at the PS3 and Wii, plus some beautiful Lost Planet footage.
(I'm still working on that new logo thing... work with me here)
You know the hardest part about writing a weekly column? It's thinking up new ways to start it off. You can only do the old 'welcome to another edition of ______' so many times until it literally hurts to type it.
With that said...
Welcome to another edition of Xbox-A-Gogo, the article that is so far superior to those other columns--that you might feel compelled to bow to it. Don't fight it. Go ahead, bow down.
To say that I was happy with the response to last week's column (and blog that accompanied it) would be quite the understatement. I've never been a big fan of the word 'flabbergasted', but this may be one of those few situations in which its totally appropriate to use. Thank you all for the incredible response. Even those of you who just wrote in to give me props. I appreciate that.
Xbox-A-Gogo is still a work in progress. As each week comes and goes--there are things that I'm going to change up a little bit. You'll begin to notice some changes this week, actually. I use to write a column for this website called Pressing Buttons. It was an article that I really enjoyed doing, and it got a ton of feedback. But I can't justify writing two columns a week when I've got college, work, and a social life to think about. So I'm going to simply merge them together. Wait, I should probably run this by Ashish and Caleb first... one sec..
... Okay, they're cool with it. So starting this week, I'm going to be adding a new segment to Xbox-A-Gogo. It's called Opening Arguments, and basically, it's just an outlet for me to talk about something in depth. Generally, I'm not going to go too in depth on anything in this column. I'll just touch on this and touch on that. With Opening Arguments, I'll at least get to talk in detail about one subject; even if it's not gaming related.
I got a very interesting phone call from my dad this last week. He called me up and told me that he had found a PS3 at the local Wal-Mart and picked it up. I was bit blown away at this because my dad didn't pre-order the PS3, nor did he really put much effort into tracking one down. My little brother had asked for one for Christmas and my dad just happened to come across one. Being the gaming gawd that I am and all, my dad called me up looking for advice. He had found the PS3, but didn't know what game(s) to get.
I seriously began to think. Resistance: Fall of Man? Nah, I played that game and it's not worth the $60 price tag that it holds. Madden 2007? Nah, that sucked. What else is there? The answer: Nothing!
Say what you will about the 360's launch, but at least we had quality games to play for it right away. You had Call of Duty 2 (which was the Game of the Year), Condemned, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter, Perfect Dark, Quake 4, and Project Gotham Racing. What does the PS3 have? A mediocre FPS that places Aliens into World War II instead of Nazi's. (What, were the Nazi's not evil enough?)
This got me to thinking: 'What are PS3 owners doing?' What is my little brother going to do with his PS3? They [PS3 owners] sure as hell aren't watching Blu-Ray movies on it. Nobody is going to shell out $30 for a movie, no matter how good the quality is. They obviously aren't playing PS3 games on it.
I thought of all of that, and then I began to feel sorry for PS3 owners. Here they have this $600 shiny thing just sitting on their entertainment centers, and not doing a thing with them. Being the man that I am, I decided to help out. Rather than allow your PS3 to sit around and gather dust until MGS4 comes out on it, here are a few things that you might want to try doing with your PS3:
Show it off!: Your a PS3 owner... show that bad boy off. You spent at least $600 on the console, you probably bought another controller for $50... and you had to of bought at least one game (another $65). At the end of the day, you probably spent between $800 and $900 for your console. If you can't play it, then show it off. Carry it with you everywhere that you go. I especially recommend that you wear it into the nastiest ghettos that surround your hometown. There's nothing that the lower class drug dealers of the world appreciate more than for people to rub their wealth in their faces. Does God really love you? Take your PS3 into the ghetto, and if you walk out with it alive... then the answer is yes.
Give it a bath: The PS3 does have a pretty sleek design to it. It does somewhat resemble a George Foreman Grill, but everyone loves those things. One of the more sexy things about the PS3's appearance is its shiny, glossy, shell. Be careful. Handle it with gloves, because one fingerprint on that shiny surface will make it appear that you're misusing your underutilized machine. When Metal Gear Solid 4 is released in 2007, you want your PS3 to look the best that it can. So here's my advice: Go into your bathroom and proceed to fill your tub with some hot water. Not too hot, though. Make it about as warm as you would for a small child. You can even put some bubble bath chemicals in there if you'd like. It's been widely rumored that PS3's love that. Once your tub is filled up to a satisfactory height, toss in your PS3.
This is important because if you don't toss in the PS3, than it may take a while for the PS3 to get accustomed to the temperature of the water. Tossing it in there leaves it no choice. Once it's in the tub, proceed to scrub your PS3 until you can see yourself through the exterior.
Play Hide and Seek with it: Just because you can't play any good games ON your PS3, doesn't mean that you can't play good games WITH your PS3. I'm sure that everyone is familiar with the traditional Hide and Seek rules, but when you're playing with a object or person that has no legs... you have to create new rules. If you've never played like this before, than here's how it goes: First you need to purchase a lot of drugs. We're talking LSD, cocaine, morphines... shit like that. (you should be able to find these drugs in the above mentioned ghetto)
Next, you must hide your PS3 (or handicapped compadre) in the most difficult of places to find. I recommend putting it into a trash compactor, the washer, or perhaps even burying it. This makes it a real challenge, and leaves you with a consequence in the event that you can't find it. After you've cleverly hidden the PS3 away, proceed to take an abundance of those above mentioned drugs. Once you're totally incoherent and tripping... then go and look for where you put that PS3. Good luck!
Play a PS3 drinking game: The point of drinking games is simple: to get drunk! Oh man, I've played so many drinking games growing up. There was Flip The Cup, Beer Pong, Kings, Presidents and Assholes, and Honey, I Drunk The Kids; a game where you watch Honey, I Shrunk The Kids--and then proceed to drink every time Rick Moranis looks dorky. Not only can your PS3 play PS3 games, Blu-Ray, and music, but it can also play drinking games.
I created my own PS3 drinking game, here's how it goes:
1.) For every time that you wish there was an actual decent game to play on the PS3... take 2 shots.
2.) For every time someone makes a joke about the uselessness of the PS3... take 3 shots.
3.) For every time that you want to cry because you spent $600 on a PS3... take 5 drinks
4.) Take 3 drinks for everything that you can think of in which you would have rather spent that money. (IE: Down payment on a car, college tuition, some blow)
5.) Once you're completely hammered, go outside and throw your PS3 at a moving car.
Trade it in: Heck, at this point, even the Nintendo Wii is a better option than the PS3. But I would recommend taking your PS3 back to wherever you purchased it at, and just throwing it back at the person behind the counter. Tell them that you want to trade it in for a 360. There are tons of great games to play on the 360 RIGHT NOW, and it's only going to get better in 2007.
Oh, the good news just continues to roll in for Sony, doesn't it? Virtual Fighter 5, which at one time (actually up until 3 days ago) was considered a PS3 exclusive, will now be heading to the Xbox 360. This is great news for a multitude of reasons. 1.) The game looks amazing, and 360 owners were all wishing that they could play it--which now they can. 2.) It's just another 'exclusive' that Sony has lost.
Earlier this week, it was rumored that Metal Gear Solid 4 would be coming out for the 360, but those rumors have since been shot down by Konami. However, getting Assassin's Creed and Virtual Fighter 5 lessens the blow of that.
Over 2 million people have now purchased a copy of Gears of War. Epic's latest hit is well worth the hype that its been generating over the course of the last few months, and it's a really good sign that it's selling so well so early. Gears of War is doing for the 360 what the original Halo did for the previous version of the Xbox. It has become that can't miss game that you have to see to believe. And you know what? It's only on the 360, baby!
Sure, it would have probably been cool to play as one of the Brutes in Halo 3, but seriously, who cares? One of the biggest complaints about Halo 2 was that you weren't in control of Master Chief for even half of the game. So why would you want to risk that again? Hopefully Halo 3 just revolves playing as Master Chief and kicking some Brute ass.
Okay, okay, so the the Xbox isn't selling well in Japan. What else is new? The release of the Blue-Dragon bundle helped move quite a few systems, but the PS3 has already outsold the 360 in it's short existence. I'm not freaking out about this. I know Lord Gates isn't freaking out about this. And you know what? You shouldn't freak out about this either.
The fact remains that over 8 million Xbox 360's have been sold since launch. That's pretty damn impressive. Go ahead Nintendo and Sony... take Japan... we don't need it. What's Japan done for this world anyway? Sure they build better cars than we do, give us most of our technology, and they have toilets with built in radios... but other than that, what do they offer? Luckily for us, there aren't a whole lot of people in Asia.
Sony's Ryoji Chubachi continues to stick to his guns when he says that Sony will have shipped 2 million PS3's by the end of 2006, and that they will have shipped 6 million by March of 2007.
Pssh, yeah, and in other news: Michael Richards is going to headline at the Apollo.
- I've been a Transformers geek since I was a small boy. The death of Prime still makes me watery-eyed. When I first found out that a live action movie was being made--I totally geeked out. Then when Steven Spielberg was attached to the project I got even more excited. The hiring of Michael Mann to direct it quickly lowered my expectations. While he did make The Rock (which was amazing) he was also responsible for crapfests like Con-Air and The Island.
The first real trailer for the movie was released this week, and my excitement is back in full force. Sure the movie will still likely suck--but hey, the trailers cool.
- Leisure Suit Larry for the Nintendo Wii is going to take full advantage of the motion detection capabilities that the Wii offers. That alone may be reason enough for me to pick up a Wii.
- It's rare that you see an NBA trade that benefits both teams, but that's exactly what happened with the Allen Iverson trade. Denver gets a future hall of famer who if he can stop shooting the ball so much, gives them a chance to win a championship. On the other hand, the two first round picks that Philly gets are like gold. Maybe they can now trade up to get Greg Oden in the draft and begin the rebuilding process.
- A few days before Christmas and the temperature is still in the low 60's here in Cincinnati. What the hell?
- On Wednesday, I happened to watch one of the best movies I'd seen in months--then proceeded to watch one of the worst movies I'd seen in months.
First: Little Miss Sunshine. A brilliant film about 6 family members that are complete opposites of one another on a journey across country to enter their little girl into a beauty pageant. The film stars Greg Kinear and Steve Carrel, and I highly recommend it.
Next: My Super Ex-Girlfriend. I didn't want to watch this movie, but I didn't really have that much of a choice. I decided to look at the bright spots that the movie might of had to offer. The movie starts Uma Thurman, who can be pretty damn hot when she wants to be. Secondly, Rainn Wilson has a role in the movie and he's genius in my favorite TV show, The Office. Not even Uma's boobs or Rainn could save this piece of shit.
The concept could work. It could make for a very funny comedy. But this thing is just so horribly written that the actors never really stood a chance. Terrible.
I'm pretty much obsessed with the Lost Planet demo. Hopefully this obsession works out a little better than the one that I had with Alyssa Milano. I don't want to go into all of the details, but windows were broken, Polaroids of genitals were taken, and cops were called. Yeah, she totally wants me though. We're destined to be with one another.... just as soon as she drops that restraining order.
Anyway, yeah, Lost Planet... it rocks. It's coming out for the 360 in January and appears to be destined for greatness. Heres some eye candy. Enjoy.
... I just got an erection.
Speaking of erections: I have no idea who Joanna Krupa is, or why she's famous. But I'm guessing that it's because she is really really smart. Maybe she invented the longer lasting light bulb or something like that.
- Andrew has another edition of the Sixaxis. In this week's edition he talks about Metal Gear Solid 4... which is sad because if you really think about it, that game is all that PS3 owners have to look forward to. I'd feel sorry for you guys but I just cannot lower myself to that point yet.
- Theo is back with another edition of the Nintendophiles; which features an array of those cutesy kiddie games that Nintendo fans play.
- Hey Sean McCabe, Xbox-A-Gogo is the greatest column name in history... it's a scientific fact. You can't mess with science, Sean.
- Jordan Williams reviews Final Fantasy III, which is the game that I got my little brother for Christmas. God, I hope my little brother doesn't read this before Christmas.
- Ramon Aranda previews Lost Planet; a game that is destined for greatness.
- Jordan Williams gets another plug from this week for his latest Working Title. This week he determines if Halo 3 is overhyped or underhyped. It's a good read.
That'll do it for this week's edition of Xbox-A-Gogo, be sure to check out OMGodzilla which is my blog that I update throughout the week for more tasteless humor.
