Angry Gaming 12.25.06: Wii Band of Brothers
Posted by Damian Sarcuni on 12.25.2006
A holiday story of Nintendo and camaraderie.
Welcome to Angry Gaming, the other employment option for Santa's less satisfactory elves. I am your hate master, Damian Sarcuni, and all I want for Christmas is a Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution, a new computer, a cordless phone with speaker feature, an HD TV, a vacuum robot, a mixing board, a portable mp3 player, capoeira lessons, an original Voltron figure, drop lighting, a new fish tank, a Shirasaya sword, meaningful employment, an XM satellite radio, the collected works of James Clavell, an entertainment center, a microwave oven, a battery recharger, Oakley sunglasses, a set of high frequency radios and a gun with one bullet.
Wii Band of Brothers
We've all heard of Charles Dickenson's A Christmas Carol, the story of Ebenezer Scrooge who loathed and despised the holiday season. One of the things that make this classic tale so great is the depth of its main character. Scrooge is someone who basically does the unthinkable. He hates joy and cheer in the most joyful and cheerful time of the year (as well as the rest of the year). Readers can't help but burrow through page after page of that book, trying to find the answers as to what makes a man find adversity where no adversity can be found.
Today, the holiday season is a high pressure time. There is just as much frustration and anguish surrounding the holidays as there is happiness and enjoyment. It's like we allow ourselves to suffer for two whole months just so that the end result, when we finally gather together with friends and family, will be all the sweeter. If you haven't figured it out yet, I hate every single holiday but I'm an out and out sucker for Christmas, as anyone in the hate club should be. Think about it: two whole months of frustrated fools running around like the weak ants they are, followed by a short period where we are showered with items we desire in exchange for half hearted crap we pin on others. Heh, I just kid…somewhat.
Today, we pay tribute to the frustrating lead into this day, the great orgasmic release that is Christmas day. In particular, I'm talking about the struggles of shopping for those hard to get gifts; the ones that cause shoppers to check store after store repeatedly in the hopes of a shot of luck. It's crazy to think that in our capitalist society, you would need any sort of chance to make a purchase you already have the money for, but such is the holidays. The shopping lines are a battleground, and there are enemies out there trying to thwart us. As Metal Gear Solid has taught us, it is on this battleground that the strongest bonds of friendship are formed. This article is dedicated to the brave men and women that joined together with me and the hate club on just such a battleground: the line to purchase the Nintendo Wii at New York's own Rockefeller Center.
Sunday, 7:30am: Mercenaries
My room is dark, save for the lights. By lights, I don't mean the lights that make a difference, the 60 and 80 watt bulbs that shower us day in and day out. No, I'm talking about the various LED's flickering across my many computer screens. These are the same screens that are my eyes to the world. My windows to the outside, that keep me protected and do my electronic dirty work for me. My name is Damian Sarcuni. I'm a hired gun.
The soft humming electric ambience of the room is ripped apart by a loud cash register sound and one of my screens springs into life. My eyes dart toward it and adjust as best they can with a dull ache that comes only at the worst hours of the morning. That doesn't stop my quick ingestion of the instant messenger window and all that it entails. The name is familiar, the message is clear. It's Randy, one of the more financially well to do members of the hate club, and low and behold, he's got a job for me.
"Hey dude, wanna come wait with me at the Nintendo store tomorrow morning? I gotta pick up two Wii systems for my cousins."
Throughout the three years I've known him, there've been quite a few occasions where Randy has had more ambition than common sense. This is not one of those times. Randy knows exactly what he's asking me, and he knows I'm the only one he CAN ask. He knows I have nothing better to do, he knows I'm curious to do unique things with my time, boring or not, and most importantly, he knows I still owe him 300 bucks. I take the job.
Monday, 6:00am: Iron Curtain
My car purrs down the New York City streets, bouncing left and right between various taxi cabs and town cars. I love this time of day because there is a sense of rush to get to your destination just before the onslaught of choking human and automobile traffic. This is the kind of stuff I train for anyway, and it isn't long before I arrive at the target site…only to realize our intelligence has misled us.
I get on the horn to Randy ASAP to warn him. The line going toward the Nintendo store extends for nearly the entire block. Randy claims he's already picked up one Wii for another relative, but I refuse to believe the line was this long when he did it. I wait a few minutes for him to get to a proper vantage point before he confirms what I already know: this line is far too long for us to have any success.
And yet still we park and get on it. I stand there chowing down on a banana, having lost all hope of completing a purchase today. It isn't long before the good people of Nintendo go through the line, handing out tickets and stamping hands…one ticket per Wii system. They get dangerously close to us before announcing they have run out of tickets and thus will not be able to sell any more systems today. Randy and I make a rush count. We were five people away from getting a system.
In failure, we jump on the opportunity for reconnaissance. Jumping the nearby barricade, we rush forward in search of the cutest Asian girl we can find on the first half of the line. We fail at this particular mission too, winding up with only a halfway decent Korean chick, but she'll have to do. We quickly interrogate her and learn that she has been waiting on this line since 2pm on the previous day. Our hearts sink as we head back to the car and plot our strategy for the next day, while cruising through the town looking for proper parking spots that won't give us tickets the next day.
Tuesday, 3:30am: Any Means Necessary
I wake up to the sound of an angry cell phone ring tone. In 5 seconds I already know its Randy, presenting me with an obligatory wake up call to get my arse in gear for today's attempt. In less than an hour I'm dressed, showered and on the road with a fresh tank of gas. My destination is the same area Randy and I had scouted previously. My arrival is filled with problems however, as all the local parking spots are taken. Frustration begins to set in as I wonder just how so many spaces can possibly be in use at this hour of the morning. Left with no other alternative, I drop the car at a spot that will be a shoe in for a hefty fine by the time 8:30 rolls around.
After picking up some breakfast rations (beef jerky and wasabi crackers, yum!) I meet Randy back on the line, which has now left us in a much better position than the previous day. However, the struggle has already begun. Two police officers have informed everyone on the line that if they are not within a certain selected barricade, they will be unable to purchase a Nintendo Wii. Disheartened, several shoppers turn away and head back home to bed or off to their jobs.
"What?!" Randy and I exclaim, "That's not the way this works at all! We're supposed to get tickets and hand stamps!"
The cops disagree and continue to convince other shoppers that they might as well leave the line. A small band of 3 shivering, picturesque old men approach us. They inquire what we are talking about and we explain to them that we are well aware of how the Wii systems will be distributed since we saw it with our own eyes the previous day. These men weigh their options carefully and continue considering going home (for some, home was as far as 3 states away) but Randy insists that they will be able to purchase a Wii if they remain there.
Reluctantly, the men agree and begin to question us about the specifics of the Wii. The reason behind this is partially because they don't know all the features the system offers, and partially to get their minds off the cold. It's 39 degrees Fahrenheit outside and most of us are underdressed. Randy and I give speeches on everything they know about the Nintendo Wii over and over again as best we can.
Soon the good employees of Nintendo come out and dispense their tickets and hand stamps once more. This time, Randy and I are among the chosen few, as are those who chose to follow us. We inquire about the status of the cops we spoke with before, and the Nintendo employees explain that they have already been given a stern talking to and a warning about giving out further misinformation. One of the cops, a female, comes back out on the seen to face the crowd and not only apologizes but promises that she will move anyone who left back to the front of the line if they show up tomorrow. A likely story, but at least spoken with good intentions.
Tuesday, 6:30am: Explosive
The line begins moving and the sun begins to come out. As we pass the entrance to Rockefeller Center Plaza, we are in good spirits. Suddenly there is a disturbance behind me. The young couple who was minding their own business and waiting on line behind me now has a major problem in the form of a miniature bull dyke security guard with a Napoleon complex. The Blanka-like woman has absolutely bum rushed the couple and laid a barrage of insults and commands into them so fierce I thought I was at a basic training camp. Commanding authority and embarrassing us all, the midget woman forces the line backward despite the ample standing space right behind me. Absolutely disgusted with this woman, I glance toward her victims and make a mock anti-Semitic gesture.
The she-beast turns around just in time to see me do this.
Randy shoves a path as far away from me as he can get but the woman offers no retribution save for a token dirty look. I, on the other hand, am already upset enough to rant some more, out loud. Here we are, holding money to make a perfectly legal purchase. We are all observing proper rules of conduct and not causing any disturbance, but this security guard STILL feels the need to exercise some right wing Gestapo power over us. What false bravado! There's no time for me to go on about this however, as the line moves forward yet again.
Our groups of shoppers, which by now have all shared each others background information and life stories, have reached the window of the Nintendo store. Our eyes are dazzled by several monitors showing off the capabilities and games available on the Nintendo Wii and we all salivate at the possibilities and potential of the system. By the time we enter the store, my arms and legs are numb from the cold. The system I'm purchasing isn't even for me, but the excitement still has my blood pumping so fast I barely even realize I'm probably getting a parking ticket at that very moment. Eventually the purchase is made, and the mission is accomplished. I hand the Wii over to Randy without so much as looking at the box, lest I be tempted into keeping it and putting myself even further into the man's debt. Good sport that he is, however, Randy let's me keep the sizeable change.
It's a long walk back to my car and my legs still feel messed up. The traffic police pass me by and I am almost guaranteed a ticket. It turns out, however, that I have parked in a space that is often used by firefighters for their personal vehicles. The cars around me are parked in an illegal spot, but they don't have tickets. Neither does mine.
I drive home proud, but anxious. The three day project has put quite a strain on me and forced the Nintendo Wii into my brain. With images of Excite Truck and Super Monkey Ball still dancing in my head, I find myself with a new purpose. The Nintendo Wii WILL be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.
The Anger
Stories like the one above are far too common these days, and while they may not be the most entertaining stuff in the world they are certainly something we can all relate to. Shopping has become a perilous thing these days, as have so many other aspects of the holidays. During the holidays, we see some of the truly detrimental affects of corporate ownership on our own bodies, but at an accelerated rate. We do need to be proud of what we accomplish during this time, but more importantly we need to have a chance to enjoy it. So when someone wishes you a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or whatever positive greeting this year, maybe we should do something different for a change and actually let ourselves have the very thing they wish for us. Please enjoy your holiday, truly, and then when it's over embrace the hatred.
