The SIXAXIS News Report 12.26.06
Posted by Andrew Mellick on 12.26.2006
Mellick has spent hours pouring over video game characters to compile the 10 characters who could best fill the boots of Kris Cringle! Plus, movies on the PSP, Snake stays home, and a holiday youtube theatre!
The SIXAXIS
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Happy holidays one and all! Welcome the The SIXAXIS: Merry Christmas Ho! Ho! Ho! Super Happy Fun Time Edition
No doubt the 26th of December finds your body sluggish with bird meat and various other goodies. I hope you are filled with the joy that only a freshly cellophane wrapped video game on Christmas morning can bring.
Seeing as it is the holidays I thought it'd be fun to give you a gift. A gift you can use to wow your friends, and embarrass your family. The gift of video game knowledge!
Sony news
Not even Santa himself can stop the PS3!
Mr. Vice President Phil Harrison was feeling chatty it appears. In an interview with MTV he discusses the future of the PS3, Nintendo, and motion sensor controllers.
Concerning the PlayStation 3's launch, Harrison said, "2007 is the year of software, is how I'll answer that," He went on to discuss the future of gaming "The video-game business for the past 20 years was about shipping closed experiences," he said. The new trend will be "the start of the relationship with the consumer is when you launch the game … Next year you're going to see user-created experiences in a number of interesting ways on PlayStation 3."
When it comes to the competition Harrison said, "Nintendo should be congratulated" primarily for bringing in a lot of non-gamers with the DS. Without mentioning the Wii, he also acknowledged that 2006 is the year of the motion controller.
On the topic of PlayStation capabilities, Harrison said that it takes end-of-cycle games such as Gran Turismo 2 for the PSone and God of War II for the PS2 to fully explore a system's full potential. He believes that the current PS3 launch titles use "less than half" of the system's computational power, but even more interesting is his bold statement that "Nobody will ever use 100 percent of its capability."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not get crazy Phil. I mean "congratulating" Nintendo? I guess you're just full of the holiday spirit.
Less than half, aye? That's exciting. I mean I have played a pretty good variety of PS3 games and some are amazing, to think that that is less than half of its full potential is incredible. Just think, the PS3 is already on par or better than the 360. Once developers harness more of that power, Mario and Master Chief will be dead in the water, the shimmering reflective 1080i water.
Solid Snake Stays Sony
In case you missed it, there were many a rumor floating around the information super highway that the Legendary Solid Snake was going to make his way onto the 360.
When I first heard this I was skeptical, turns out I was right. There is no merit to this ugly rumor whatsoever. Just Internet nerds looking to sully the good name of Metal Gear.
The house that Kojima built had this to say "Konami has no plans to bring Metal Gear Solid 4 to the Xbox 360 at this time," going on to say that the game is currently exclusive to the PlayStation 3.
There you have it, practically concrete! No sir Snake is staying with Sony. In all honesty, I'm guessing MGS4 will reach the 360> at some point, but most likely after it has already reached "greatest hits" status for the PS3.
The PSP goes to the movies!
Looks like Sony is working on a deal that with video content providers that will make downloadable videos available for the PSP.
In conjunction with Sony Pictures the service is targeting a first quarter 2007 launch. It will allow users to download the film to their PC and then upload it to the PSP.
How handy would that be? Got a long trip? Just hop on your computer, browse the store, upload the movie of your choice and be on your way. There hasn't been any announcement about prices yet, but seeing as this is a simple system to put in effect requiring very little actual labor, my guess would be that you could snag your favorite flick for under $10. But that's just a guess.
Sony beats Microsoft…again
Strike another blow to the naysayers. According to services that track online retailers, the supply of the PlayStation 3 game console seems to be sufficient to satisfy the demand and from that point of view is better than the Xbox 360 supply a year ago.
Some of you still may say "but doesn't that mean that the demand for the PS3 isn't nearly as high as it should be?" to you people I would say "that's what Sony wants you to believe". You see, business is a cat and mouse game. Sony has positioned themselves as the superior in quality already, we know this. The only issue now is the price, so they are producing systems at a level that will satisfy the current demand. Once the demand drops, you drop the price and sales go up again. It's textbook business, I'm surprised Microsoft and Nintendo don't know this.
Ok, you've been good. You sat through the news without a peep. Now its time to give you the gift of knowledge!
Its time for…The SIXAXIS presents The Top 10 Santa Clause fill-ins!
Jolly old Saint Nick has been a part of Christmas for centuries. He has been presented in many different ways but the most recognizable figure is of an older white haired man, with a big white beard, in a read suit, and a twinkle in his eye.
It is with these physical characteristics and personality traits in mind that I have compiled a list of the top 10 characters that could fill in best for the big jolly fat ass.
Enjoy!
10. Cranky Kong "Simian Santa"(Donkey Kong series)
Oh sure he could use an attitude adjustment but look at him: the spectacles that beard. He fits the bill. He would need some type of Scroogian intervention but you can tell that under that gruff exterior he cares.
He may be old but he spent his whole life in physical labor, chucking barrels at Mario. I'm sure he'd have no problem managing the bag of toys. Plus, he may enjoy getting a little good PR for a change. Being known as a rampant ape with a proclivity for assaulting plumbers has got to do something to your psyche.
9. King of All Cosmos "All powerful Santa" (Katamari Damacy)
Sure he has his hands full running the galaxy and yes he does enjoy the drinkies from time to time. However, the King would be a perfect fit for Santa. Think about it, the guy is always amazed by human's creativity. He can't get enough of all the cool stuff we have. Imagine all the swag he could pull out of one of those stars for any good little boy or girl.
The only foreseeable problem could be getting that massive snowboard like head of his down the chimney.
8. Julius Belmont "Vampire Slayer Santa" (Castlevania: Sorrow series)
Julius is the latest hero to emerge from the Belmont family. He is responsible for destroying Dracula once and for all back in 1999. However the whole affair gave him amnesia. All he can remember is his name starts with "J".
Wow, are you thinking what I'm thinking? "No, your name doesn't start with a "J"; it starts with a "K" as in Kris Cringle!" Seriously though, the guy destroyed Dracula, I mean that's pretty much the pinnacle in the vampire slaying line of work. Its time for a new career. Look at his qualifications: Good with a whip, cares about people, no more threat of Vampire attacks on Christmas Eve (Santa does deliver at night you know). Yes, JB would be a perfect fit.
7. Doctor Light "Smart Santa"(Mega Man series)
You want to talk about some killer presents. This dude created Mega man! He is perfect, he's jolly, caring, and can make you the robot of your dreams! Within reason, get your mind out of the gutter you perverts. Doctor Li…I mean Santa doesn't make those kind of robots.
As far as delivery goes, I'm sure his good buddy Mega Man could give the old guy a hand once a year. That's right, a brand spanking new robot delivered to you personally by Mega Man. Did you hear that? That's the sound of a million collective MM fanboys pissing themselves.
6. Sahasrahla "Wise Santa" (Legends of Zelda)
A descendant of the Hyrulean people, Sahasrahla is thought to have forged the master sword. Granted he is old, but with his age comes great wisdom. I'm sure this crafty old bastard could devise the perfect path to take, hitting every house on Christmas Eve with hours to spare.
Not only could he train the elves to create some lethal gifts, he could also impart little notes of knowledge with each gift. Yes, the world could be a better place if it were full of wise young children. Thank you Santa Sahasrahla!
Ok, I grant that Chief Mendez isn't exactly the "bowl full of jelly" type santa we have all come to know. But, lets face it, the sweet old man Santa has been little kids off the hook for far to long. Go visit any toy store and watch all the kids who obviously should be on the "naughty list" naming gift after gift that santa is going to bring them.
Well, that shit wont fly when Santa Mendez, bursts through the front door (I don't see Bitores as much of a chimney jumper). No, when he shows up the good kids get presents and the bad kids…well they will have to pay a little visit to a certain undisclosed village in Europe. That's right, the naughty list would dwindle quickly with Santa Mendez running the show.
4. Zangief "Greco roman Santa" (Street Fighter series)
Strong back, strong legs, trains in Siberia, jolly disposition, yep this guy fits Santa to a T. He's spent most of his life training as a professional wrestler. He is a national treasure to the people of Russia. However, after the fall of the Soviet Union, Zangief has been left with little to do.
He has the physique, the spirit, and he could handle any kid on the naughty list. Plus, who wouldn't want to sit on the lap of a 260 pound Russian man in an uncomfortably tight red pair of wrestling trunks?
3. Shun Di "Drunken Santa" (Virtua Fighter Series)
Despite his age of 94 years old, Shun Di has a spring in his step and a exuberent Christmas spirit that is only a bottle away. He is spry and wirey and could easily handle the rigors of an overnight delivery marathon.
Shun Di's real strength would be his ability to cope with the intensly cold weather, and lonely day to day life that would come with living in the Northpole. His exessive drinking would be more than enough to combat his low spirits. Who needs Mrs. Claus, when the most beautiful elf in the room is just a few drinks away.
2. The End "Sniper Santa" (Snake Eater)
Coming in at well over a hundred years old, The End would have no problem filling the boots of Santa. He may even add a few new tricks to his repitoire.
The End is a master of camouflage. Stay up all night if you want little kiddies, Sniper Clause could deliver your gifts, eat your cookies, down your milk, take a quick shower and be out the chimney before you even saw him.
Also, Sniper Cause would really up the anty in the "he sees you when your sleeping" category. The man can sit on a target forever just waiting for a slip up. Better not pout I'm telling you why Santa Clause has a Mosin-Nagant rifle trained on your head!
And the winner is…
1. Bo Rai Cho "Flatulent Santa" (Mortal Kombat Series)
There was much debate but when it comes right down to it, Bo Rai Cho is everything that Santa embodies. He is a jolly plump man with a full beard and a heart of gold. He has spent the last several years training would be fighters to engage in mortal kombat. Now it is his time to shine.
Another man who enjoys his alcohol, Bo Rai Cho could easily withstand the cold weather of the Northpole, his size and fighting ability would aid him in anything that he might come up against while delivering his gifts, and he would have no problem dispatching any naughty listers.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, he farts and he vomits and his name is Bo Rai Cho!
I don't want to cram pimpage.
Alright everybody that does it for me. Go read everyone in the gaming zone. I'm far to full of turkey to name names. They are all good, even Joshua and Theo…well, the last two are serviceable.
Merry Christmas from your friends at youtube theatre!
